Swept

25 Jun

i’ve been swept off my feet, which is a lovely feeling, and that floating, not quite touching the earth, is a lovely place to be.

Only, you know, i don’t have a solid footing, don’t have even one, much less both feet on the ground.  So i know, even while i’m floating happily, that i may come down with a slight thud.

There is a poem that starts:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.”

Many of youall are probably already familiar with the poem.  I’d heard the first line many times, and liked the sound of it, agreed with the sentiment.  But when i googled it this morning to see if it fit with what i was thinking, i found: 

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.”

That seemed particularly apt at this point, since GW has sort of walked away from me.  Well, not sort of, more like totally.  Like he’s not returning IM’s or answering e-mails.

And that’s ok.  He was a bright light in my life for a brief time, and i’ll never forget him.  And i’m ok – really.

i’m sure he is too.  i hope he got something from our relationship.  In my best fantasy, he continues to write his blog about his experiences, and becomes a well-established and  beloved member of the blogging community.  

But that’s strictly my fantasy, and all i can do is send him my affection in friendship as we both move on.  i hope it turns out that i was his friend for a reason too.  

Sin, over at Finding My Submission wrote a wonderful piece on relationships. Doing TTWD isn’t easy, relationships aren’t easy, trying to find our way through this maze is downright difficult.

And i know it doesn’t make it easier that i have this blog.  It creates a level of public scrutiny that may be daunting.

i hesitate to tell people that i even have a blog – but then i feel uncomfortable talking about them behind their backs, so to speak.  It’s on my fetlife profile, and i’ve thought about taking it off, but for some probably warped reason, i don’t want to. 

i know i’m not the only one who struggles with this. But ~ in all honesty ~ i love my blog a lot.  It’s my chance to process my feelings, and get feedback.

i think that youall are, collectively, the world’s best therapist.  {With all due respect to JM, the amazing analyst.}  Your comments are almost always reflective and empathic listening.

Sfp was commenting on this a while back – if we write that something was wonderful, the comments tend to reflect on it being wonderful.  If we say something was awful and miserable, the comments talk about how awful it must have been.  That’s reflective listening.

Sometimes the commenter send hugs, or shares his or her experience that connects with the post.  That’s empathic listening.  

Those two listening skills and the validation they offer are the therapist’s most powerful interventions. In therapy, if i could do only one thing, i would validate the person’s feelings.  

And we do that for each other all the time. 

Just saying, “I get it.  I know how you feel.  I’m with you.”  We almost never tell the blogger he or she shouldn’t feel that way, that they’re wrong.  And why would we?  Each of us is entitled to our own feelings, our own experience of the universe.

That’s why Anon, who pops up on Sin’s blog from time to time, hits such an incredibly discordant note. She comes in shrieking that we’re wrong – all wrong!!  She’s like the anti-validater – the antithesis of everything we usually are for each other.

But, like any good therapist, we aren’t 100 percent approval and validating.  Sometimes the challenge slips into the comment – gently, kindly, usually a question, or a comment that the writer’s experience has been different.

Sometimes, for those of us who are friends by e-mail, the challenge may come privately.  A note that says, warmly and kindly, something like, “I’ve been thinking about your situation, and …”

Always, it’s broached with love, which makes it easy to hear the message.  And, having been simmering in the warm broth of validation, it’s a lot easier to accept a “But what about…?” 

Sometimes the challenge is in someone else’s blog – accidentally, or because our ideas bounce off each other.  Something i read can set me off a whole new path of ideas.

In any case, there are things i don’t put on the blog ~ lots of them, actually.  And i recognize that sometimes it complicates my relationships because of the blog, but i try to be respectful and open at the same time.

Anyhow.  

There are new adventures down the road.  No telling where i’m headed next.  But ~ there’s a small munch on Sunday i might go to.

 And Sfp will be here next week ~ woohoo!  

In September, i’m going to COPE.  

And in October, ‘Nilla’s coming to visit.

So life is good.  i go over those things in my head like a litany of pleasures to come. 

And ~ laughing ~ i can say, “Stay tuned for the new adventures of aisha…”

 

 

8 Responses to “Swept”

  1. vanillamom June 25, 2011 at 7:37 am #

    with all due respect to your “jumping all in” Dominant…sometimes you hear things you have a hard time with..turning ones back and walking away without trying to find a balance…as you say, aisha, holding the tension? Doesn’t work for me.

    Sorry to disagree so publicly.

    But if he was swept away…and i can see how he would be, since i know you are fabulous…then he shouldn’t be swept out to sea on the first big wave that comes along.

    nilla

    • aisha June 25, 2011 at 10:02 am #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      You know that I love you dearly, right? You are my heartsister.

      And I keep re-reading this – I’m not sure here whether you’re reprimanding him for walking away or me for accepting that easily! Either way is ok – I mean, it really is always ok to disagree publicly – I didn’t mean to imply that it isn’t.

      But if you think he should have held on – well, it’s ok that he didn’t. If you think I should have – well, that’s ok too but I’m ok with letting go.

      Thanks for the “I know you are fabulous” part though! {grinning}

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. Mick June 25, 2011 at 7:40 am #

    We will be tuned in…. I do enjoy it when some folks challenge me, which SIn did a bit yesterday, but not in the bitchy way of that anon who shows up on her page sometime. What’s that about?

    (maybe a paid shiill who provokes comments?)

    I could try to get one of those….

    Mick

    • aisha June 25, 2011 at 10:03 am #

      Dear Mick,

      Yes, I like some challenge too. Didn’t mean to make it sound like we were all “yes men or women.”

      And really – I don’t think you need a paid shill to provoke comments – don’t you already have enough people on your staff??? laughing…

      aisha

  3. sin June 25, 2011 at 9:35 am #

    I have comments. Imagine that!

    I thought I would like your poem. I don’t. The first line is very sweet and full of possibility isn’t it? The rest, not so much, and I prefer my glass half full, thank you very much.

    I think we do validate each other. Mostly. I think we are girlfriendy and say what the others need to hear. And if we really disagree, none of us are afraid to say so, though we’ll usually find a gentle way of saying it.

    I also think that validation, and comminuty of like-mindedness is a big part of why we are here. Mostly. Empathic and reflective listening, yes of course, I woldn’t have come up with the terms as easily as you, but I’ve heard them, and know what they mean.

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out with your new man. I liked him. I’m going to hold out hope for a while longer if you don’t mind. Though of course I am not privy to all the details, or the feelings and the decision isn’t mine to make. But he had lots right with him, not least that he made you happy. Was that for a reason or a season? I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t need to be all or nothing? Maybe it could go slower?

    I think it’s very hard to have a blog that publicly talks about your relationship. It’s fine, mostly, when the relationship is solid and good. But it’s hell when it’s not. Then it’s fraught with dangers. Hmmm, this is really it’s own blog post isn’t it?

    And Mick, gosh you make me laugh some days. I must confess that my comments are provoked on days when my shill has been by. But… let me know if you want to share. Share my shill I mean. Jeez. I came back to clarify that.

    sin

  4. aisha June 25, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    Dear Sin,

    I love your comments, you know this, right?

    Interesting – I agree that it’s not a great poem, I thought it was a little over simplistic and maybe even corny. But I liked the point that a relationship can end and that’s ok, that it doesn’t mean there was something wrong with having it or anything wrong with it being over. (Of course there are more verses to the poem too, but I didn’t care much for them…)

    Anyhow.

    I liked “my new man” too. GW is a terrific person, there is lots that’s “right” with him, and of course you can hold out hope for a while longer. I hope that we can be good friends. (He and I – you and I already are, right?)

    Yes to the going slower – but you know, the essence of “swept off your feet” is fast and it’s all emotional mind, not a whole lot of rational thought going on. And honestly, I think he was kind of in the same boat. So maybe this is just a way to slow it down too.

    Finally – omg, yes, having a relationship that is publicly discussed is a field of land mines. I hope you do a blog post about it, I’d love to read it. I try to keep my focus on my experience, I don’t think I’ve been negative about GW, but that doesn’t mean I succeeded; doesn’t necessarily mean he would agree.

    Thanks for your response, Sin.

    hugs,

    aisha

    P.S. So when are you coming to see me?

  5. k June 25, 2011 at 11:02 am #

    aisha,

    I wrote a long comment about how I agree about your thoughts about blogging and how it hurts to be cut off no matter the reason, and how you of all people would be understanding whatever the reason. And how I’m excited for you about your upcoming plans. But mostly I just think there’s a lot to process right now and what matters is you are staying true to yourself. That takes courage and vulnerability and strength. Being you, you’ll never come out losing. Hurting sometimes yes, but winning. I believe that with all my heart for all of us, even myself.

    hugs,

    K

    • aisha June 26, 2011 at 5:53 am #

      @K Thank you for the comment – I’m glad the things I said resonated with you. And thanks for being excited with me about the things coming up.

      And yeah, I agree with you. Really, holding on to who we are, being true to ourselves, is about the only thing we can do.

      Thank you so much.

      aisha

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