Here She Is (Part XVII)

22 Jul

i am on my knees still when He returns, just as He had left me.  Arms up, hands locked behind my head.  

i have been thinking.

He settles back into His chair.  “Are you ready?” He says.

“Ready?”  i want Him to touch me, i feel so naked and there is still heat between my legs.  i quiver just looking at Him.  In this position, it’s hard to think of anything except my openness to Him, the way my body is displayed.

The leash still dangles between my breasts.  He reach over, unhooks it, smiles.  “Ready to do a life inventory.”

“O.”  A little dismayed,  “Yes, Sir.  i guess i’m as ready as i’m ever gonna be.”

“You may put your arms down,”  He says.  Gratefully, i do.

“Did you think while I was gone?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“What did you think?”  He waits, but i don’t know where to start. 

Eyes on the floor in front of me, tears right on the edge of my words, i finally say, “Ok, no, my life’s not exactly the way i want it to be.  But,”  i raise my eyes to look at Him, “Nobody’s life is exactly the way they want.  Is it?”

“No, i suppose not,” He says with a shrug.  “But then ‘nobody’ isn’t on her knees in front of me, are they?”    He uses air quotes on “nobody,” and i drop my eyes again.

So true.

 “Inventory.”  He says.  “Where do you want to start?”

i don’t want to start at all.  

He leans forward, takes my face between His hands, gently holds me so i can’t look away.  “i know this is hard,” He says.  “We can stop now.  you still have an orgasm to collect.  I can take care of that, get Selena and Diana to put you to bed, and we’ll start again tomorrow.  Or you can call it off and go home now.  Is that what you want?”

“No!” i say, in a panic that He will send me away.  “No, please,” a little calmer.  “i want to  do what You want me to do, Sir.  It’s just hard.”  The tears threaten to spill over once again.

He brushes at the corner of my eye with His thumb, wiping away the tiny tear starting there.

“Then let’s do this,” He says.  “You took the whipping I gave you, this won’t be much worse than that,” and His eyes are smiling, even though His lips don’t move.  

“Yes, Sir,” i say.  i sigh, just a little, “Where do You want me to start?”

“Let’s start with physical,” He says.  “That’s easiest.”  He releases my face, leans back a little.  

“Is your body how you want it to be? Do you look the way you want?  I don’t mean do you look like a model, or do you live up to some ridiculous standard set by anorexic teenagers.  I like a woman to look like a woman.   But are you happy with your body – satisfied with how you look and feel?”

My face is burning with shame now, and i shake my head, “No, Sir,” i whisper.  “No, i’m not happy with the way i look.  i don’t ~ ” trying to hold back tears ~ “i don’t feel good about my body.”

He leans forward again, and this time He pulls me to Him, off my knees and into His lap.  “Good girl,” He says, as i try to curl up as close to Him as possible.  He strokes my hair.

“It’s ok,” He says.  “It’s ok.  I know this is hard.  We can still stop for tonight, if you want to.  I want you to know that I don’t have a problem with your body.  It’s fine with me just the way it is.”

Those words ease my heart a little, even though i still feel bad, i think i might not die of shame.  He’s stroking my body now, and that’s distracting me plenty.  i whimper.

He grins.

His hands move over me, caressing, stroking, arousing and soothing.  I don’t want Him to ever stop.

But, His fingers slip in and out of  my hot dripping slit ~ “Come on, girl,” He says.  “Back on your knees.  We’ll just do a little bit more tonight.”

Reluctantly obedient, i slide to the floor, arrange myself ~ back straight, shoulders back, breasts forward, palms up with my hands resting on my thighs.  

He nods approval, and i feel myself blush, growing hot with pleasure this time.

“You know,” He says “there are many, many good things in your life.  Remember ~ ” He points to Himself ~ “Master of Darkness?  I know you.

i have to smile, yes.  He does.  He’s probed my mind for weeks.

“So tell me about your body.  What are you not satisfied with?”

And the shame floods me again, runs through me like fire.  

He frowns.  “What is this?  What is going on with you?  Can we not talk about this without you looking like you’re being beaten?  Or worse.   You like the beating.  But you look like a puppy, about to get kicked.”

“It’s just me,” i whisper.   “i’m sorry.”

He shakes His head.  “No.  That’s not the point.  I want to understand this reaction.  You have lovely breasts, beautiful nipples.  Fine thighs, legs to be proud of, and a delightful ass, clearly made for my spanking pleasure.”

“Your waist is thick.  That’s true.  You look more like a Renoir than a Twiggy.”  He shrugs.  “I see that you’re not satisfied, but I don’t understand the shame.”

i’m breathing better now anyhow, i can feel the blush receding from my whole body.  His words have eased my heart.  So i blurt it out ~

“i just feel fat, i hate it, i feel so fat, and i can’t quit eating junk ~ You don’t know ~ at work, there’s always food, always.  Cakes and cookies, pizza, chips, ice cream.  Laid out on the table.  All the time. And i eat it.  And then i feel awful.  So i eat some more.  Or something happens and i feel bad, and i eat some more.”  

“i was exercising ~ every day ~ i used to exercise every day ~ but lately i haven’t even been doing that.  And it makes me feel fat and lazy too, and out of shape, and my back hurts and my shoulders are getting stiff and i can’t seem to make myself do it!  Every day, i tell myself i will and then when i don’t… i feel awful.  Awful.”

And He’s holding me then, “Good girl, good girl, that’s it, let it out,” and i’m crying, just a little, tears spilling out.

“And then,” half-laughing, half-crying, “Then i feel bad because i should know better than to let myself get in this kind of position ~ i know all this guilt doesn’t help ~ i know, i know, i know, and i can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Yes,” He pats me, pets me, holds me close, “Yes, it’s miserable.  Yes.” 
Feeling better now, i start to pull away, but He tightens His grip.

 “Here’s what we’re going to do,” He says.  “I’m going to put you to bed myself.  Get you all washed up, tuck you in, make you cum.  Maybe even fuck you.  We’ll see.  In the morning, we’ll start again.  See where we go from here.”

“Yes, yes, Sir,” i say, sniffling a little.

He pulls back then, attaches the leash to my collar.  The little noise it makes as it clinks into place, that little “tick” as it attaches, makes the bottom drop out of my stomach, carries heat straight to my pussy.

Contained.  Controlled.  Safe.  

i move into position, slightly to the side and behind Him.

“Good girl,” He says. 





12 Responses to “Here She Is (Part XVII)”

  1. striving for peace July 22, 2011 at 8:02 am #

    oh my.

    this is quite a story and so well done.

    I’m rivited — every morning


  2. vanillamom July 22, 2011 at 8:09 am #

    powerful stuff here, heartsister…moving and personally intense…

    thank you for this…it is beautiful.


  3. thesubmissivebf July 22, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    Yes rivited every morning, looking for the next installment before I get out of bed. This is a very moving story.
    Thank you.

  4. angel July 22, 2011 at 8:47 am #

    This really is beautiful work. Only a man would think it would be “easiest” to start with our looks. Or not. Maybe that was the point? Funny that there is not a woman alive who dislikes things about their bodies. My mother was a model so I was treated to the frustrations of size two women who thought they had a “fat ass” or “thick thighs.”

  5. k July 22, 2011 at 9:29 am #

    Hooked. Btw I love that he will make you come and might even fuck you after. It’s only fair after you shared so much. hugs

  6. Giggling Bunny July 22, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Wow this one really struck me. Mostly because I’ve been thinking a lot about what discipline means for me and I came to similar realizations as the narrator about myself (among other things). I still have trouble trying to imagine letting someone else have that much control over me though.

  7. ahiddenslave July 22, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    Oh aisha, i have just had some time and used it to catch up on your blog and story,,,oh wow, this has made me laugh, cry and be excited all at once…I am loving this story…thank you

  8. aisha July 22, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    Dear Sfp, ‘Nilla, Sbf, angel, K, GB, and HS, Thank you all so much for letting me know that you like the story. I really appreciate it.

    I think the whole body image thing is really warped in our culture and I think a lot of us carry shame about how we look. Angel, your comment is a good reminder that it’s not even about how we really look. Of course, I’m sure those size 2 models did have thick thighs and fat asses – compared to a Barbie doll.

    Anyhow, thanks for the support!



  9. sin July 23, 2011 at 7:05 am #

    We all do this don’t we? Eat junk, feel fat, get down, eat more junk? Exercise makes us feel better, but only if we do it. Which we don’t cause we are tired cause we try to fuel our bodies with junk. Maybe that’s not the point of your story. I get that it isn’t really, but it’s the little point I saw here….
    Take care, Sin

    • aisha July 23, 2011 at 10:53 am #

      Thanks, Sin – you’re so right. I know I do, and that is part of the point of this, at least where it seems to be going.

      There’s some research that shows that women who get less then 8 hours sleep a night, in general, gain more weight per year than women who get more. I forget how much, not a whole lot, maybe just 2 or 3 pounds. But that’s EACH year. Over 10 years ~ yeah, that’s 20 or 30 pounds more at 40 years old than at 30. And we won’t even talk about 40 years old to 50. So, yeah. You’re right.


  10. ewoman88 July 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    …wow… what’re you doing in my head?

    I have a huge body-image problem and I’m very good at pretending I don’t so all the jokes that should just roll off my “thick skin” pierce deep…

    This is making me really think, aisha 🙂

    Oh, and I LOVE this story!

    • aisha July 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm #

      Thank you ewoman – I think most of us have body image issues! I’m glad it’s resonating with you.



      Sent from my iPhone

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: