Second Thoughts

11 Aug

Note:  This won’t make any sense unless you scroll down and read the first post i did this morning before this one.

So i’m taking a shower, thinking about MoR.  Trying to figure out why it’s different with Him than it is in my fantasy with The Major.  Well, obviously, um, one’s reality and one’s not.  But aside from that.

Kneeling there, waiting for The Major, i’m not coming up with questions and exceptions to ask Him about.  Why not?  And why is that what i automatically do with MoR?

Ok.  i trust The Major ~ and since i’m writing His part too, that’s pretty darn safe.  

But don’t i  trust MoR?  Why would i not trust Him to not do what i asked Him about?  Why did i need to ask Him about exceptions?  What underlies this dance we do?

Sigh.

He wants me to leap blindly.  Which is what our girl is willing to do with The Major.  And i won’t do it with MoR.

Partly, it’s my honesty.  i don’t want to promise to do something unless i’m sure i can live up to it.   So i want to clarify.  i want to check the fine print.

Sigh.

He wants me to trust Him, to hand over my power, without reading the fine print.  To trust Him to make the exceptions that need to be made without even asking.

Yeah.

That’s not gonna happen.  

Not with someone who’s in and out my life like a frigging lightning bug.

But it makes sense for Him to want that.

24 Responses to “Second Thoughts”

  1. vanillamom August 11, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    i read both posts, but will just comment on one.

    *sigh*

    While part of me wants to say “oh honey, just give Him the trust, know that He will take care of you…”

    the other part of me, the vanilla mom part? Says…in real life, no one can expect to get that total control so quickly…that has to come with time.

    its kinda like going on a first or second date and saying…lets get married -now, right now!!!

    That doesn’t happen (often) in real life coz it takes time for the depth of relationship to grow…takes time for trust to grow.

    and Hard LImits matter.

    ALL relationships have parameters, don’t they?

    And yes, i know there are real life 24/7 slaves and Masters in the lifestyle…but they work at it, it didn’t happen overnight.

    one other thought came to me as i proofread this…aisha? if you are in this full-bore, and He says “slave, get me a beer” and you’re in the middle of going through your paperwork in the living room…do you stop what you are doing and get him a beer? or do you sigh, and tromp off, irritated to be disturbed from your important tasks?

    i know i’d be irritated.And it gets me to pondering…… I’m thinking, kinda wondering, if i’m more a “bedroom” submissive…since i will never have the option of being 24/7…i *am* submissive when i am with Him…but away from HIm? i am submissive to him, but my vanilla life comes first when we are apart…i’d not delay cooking dinner for my family, for instance, if He ordered me to do something that interfered with that chore…am i making sense?

    Does that make me less submissive? dunno….i only know that i have to juggle both aspects of my life and as Mick said, so prophetically some time ago—the vanilla life matters, too.

    My two cents…and they come from my heart.

    (btw? He sounds like an awesome guy, just from the little bits you’ve said…he’s got you thinking, got your panties in a twist, and …he affects you…)

    big HUG,

    nilla
    ps…sorry for the LONG LONG ramble today…*smile*–then again, it was two posts worth of commentary!

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla

      I love your response, thank you for taking the time to think it through and write it. You’re right all the way through, and he is an awesome man, and he “gets” me, and that’s worth so much.

      And ~ i don’t know. He pushes me, you know, He’s always frigging pushing me.

      Thanks goodness i don’t have ‘littles’ at home ~ but yea, I hear what you’re saying. I have got a lot to think about here.

      Thank you, ‘Nilla.

      Big hug,

      aisha

  2. Master of sin August 11, 2011 at 8:40 am #

    Aisha, don’t rush the trust part. I feel it is the most important part of a solid D/s relationship. It is something that you both have to earn – the trust of the other. Nilla is right, it doesn’t come overnight, it takes time to develop and build. Just enjoy the journey along the way and if it is meant to be, the trust will develop.

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

      @Master of sin,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment!! I really appreciate it.

      Of course you’re right. I can’t rush trust. And i do trust him in lots of way, but I guess not to the extent he wants.

      Anyhow. Thanks for the advice. It helps when i actually remember the quote from Lloyd Alexander:

      “The journey is the treasure.”

      aisha

  3. Faithful August 11, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    I agree with nilla and MOS. The one thing you can trust is your intuition… and for whatever reason it is telling you that you can’t give it all to MoR right now. Don’t question it or challenge it. When it is right.. (like with the Major).. it will just happen. The words YES..ANYTHING..WHENEVER..WHATEVER..WHEREVER will come out.. and when they do without hesitation or regret you will know it is right.

    ~hugs~

    faithful

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

      @Faithful,

      Well, you’re right of course, and there’s no point fretting about it, it’s done now.

      And ~ you know ~ the thing about MoR is that I should never have asked the question, because He is always going to want what i don’t want to give. If that makes sense…

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. angel August 11, 2011 at 10:29 am #

    Some of us, and i’m not naming any names here, had an exquisitely hard time with the word, “Sir” for a certain someone. It brought up bad feelings, sure. But it also just simply didn’t resonate.
    Now, imagine…i got a simple request to say, “Sir” and much to my surprise it just rolls off the tongue. Effortless. Comfortable. Sure. None of the anger attached to a volatile word for me.

    The truth always resonates. That is what i know.

    He is not my Sir. She is. i trust she would defend my life without a second’s thought. That is what i needed to move through the underlying reaction to that word. The thing is…i know it in my bones, in my soul, she would not let me be brutalized. i did not have to ask. Its understood.

    i understand the fine print thoughts. In reality, though, there is always going to be *something* we don’t think to ask about in advance. So, that is really not what you can rely on for courage when you hand yourself over for an afternoon or an hour or a lifetime.
    You cannot have blind trust. i don’t know if you are built for that or not. i think in terms of blind faith, instead.
    Trust implies that each detail will be carried out to the letter of the law (i trust you because you *say* it will be done this way). Faith implies that we will take a journey and end up in a better place together (i have faith in you, in the journey and in the destination).
    You have blind faith in the Major. You don’t ask fifty questions because you believe *in Him.*

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

      @Angel,

      i like your distinction between blind trust and blind faith. That makes a lot of sense

      I think the question I asked suggested I didn’t have faith in Him. I feel kind of bad about that, I would have said that I do have faith in him, but apparently not, or I wouldn’t have asked that particular question.

      Yea, I do have blind faith in The Major – but keep in mind – I MADE HIM UP. Easy to have faith in my own creation, right? laughing…

      Thanks, Angel, I really appreciate your input here, and the thought you put into the question.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • angel August 11, 2011 at 9:53 pm #

        Actually, i think it would be a hard thing to believe in your own creation. Maybe this is the never-quite-satisfied artist in me.

        Beyond that, a lot of chemical shifts, hormonal shifts occur during mating rituals that you can’t have help back you up in writing for the Major.

        The reason its works for you, what he wants, is because it *works for you.* Ditto when the right man comes along.

        Asking a questions doesn’t mean that you categorically lack faith. Something wasn’t resonating and it wasn’t a small detail. Find out what the question meant to you and to him, if you can. You seem unhappy with the way this has turned out. See what you can learn from the experience.

        Hugs

      • aisha August 12, 2011 at 5:16 am #

        Good suggestions, Angel. You’re right, and the reason MoR and i do the dance we do is because He touches the parts of me that are not rational or reasonable, and i don’t mean just sexual or submissive parts of me. He touches psychic sore spots, and maybe i do for Him as well.

        As for The Major ~ you know, i feel safe with him ~ so far anyhow.

        Thank you!

        aisha

  5. k August 11, 2011 at 11:02 am #

    Doesn’t sound real to me, sounds just as much fantasy as the fantasy, except not as fun. Trust is earned… he’s either messing with you, or confused himself. Imho.

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

      @K,

      Yes, i guess he is part fantasy too, a lot of projection for sure. I don’t think he’s confused, and for sure he’s not above messing with me…

      But I think he might have earned more trust than I gave him.

      Sigh.

      Thanks for the input – I really do appreciate it.

      aisha

      • K August 11, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

        Yeah, I was gonna add a second comment, something along the lines of: then again you probably do feel drawn to him for some valid reasons, as much as I know you so far, doubtful he could mess with you too too bad;) Hugs…K

      • aisha August 12, 2011 at 5:17 am #

        Thanks for that vote of confidence, K! 🙂

        aisha

  6. perfectlips August 11, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    What k says. Has this chap earned the trust he claims? Your trust is a precious gift.

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

      @PL,

      Thanks for a point well made – my trust is a gift. And He has earned some trust, maybe a lot of trust. I think I was looking for reassurance – wanting to be sure that he wouldn’t harm me. Not unreasonable, really.

      Sigh….

      Yes. Thanks for the support. He’s not “my Dom” or “my Master,” I haven’t promised to obey him or committed myself to trusting him. It’s ok to want reassurance.

      Thank you.

      aisha

  7. Ali August 11, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    Trust is a difficult thing for me to give. I’ve never given it fully until I met my Master. But He earned it. He SHOWED me I could trust Him and THAT, no one had ever done before. It was the turning point for me.

    He knows that if He asked me to drop to my knees in a crowded room and pleasure Him, that I would do it. There was a time when I would have said no, resisted, worried, fussed… NOW? I would hit my knees so fast I’d be there before He even finished the command. But here was the kicker, the whole reason I trust Him to that level.

    His next statement after I had responded yes Master to His question of whether I would or not, was…”and that’s because You know that I would never do anything that would bring you harm, in any way, so if I asked you to do such a thing, you know I would have a very good reason for doing so and that I would have thought all of it through, right?”

    And I knew that was so true. He then told me that when One has the trust of someone so deeply, they HAVE to be careful with that power, with that control because it is His responsibility to never have me do something that would result in one or both of us getting harmed. (arrested, emotional or mental turmoil, etc)

    But the bottom line is He and I both know that if He commands it, I’m doing it. His verbal reassurance to me that He knows how important HIS role is in that kind of obedience reinforces my ability to trust Him completely. I truly know, without fail, that I am safe because He will keep me safe.

    Now, im not sure if ANY of that made sense. lol But i guess what I’m saying is, whatever MoR is doing or wanting you to do, to make you back away, it seems that He has not shown you yet that the decisions He will make will be decisions that You can rest in the knowledge that you will not end up harmed in some way. Even if that harm is mental, emotional, or something else… Maybe if He would lead you with more reassurance and patience, SHOWING you and not just telling you, you could get to that level of trust.

    hugs always

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

      @Ali,

      Yes, that made perfect sense, thank you very much.

      Your comment really helped me think this through. What I asked him last night was whether he would insist that I do something that I think would be harmful to my vanilla life and my family relationship. Ali, I think now that maybe he was disappointed that i’d felt the need to ask him that, that maybe he thought I should have already known he wouldn’t expect me to do something that would really my damage my vanilla life.

      But I did need reassurance, your comment helped me realize that was what I was looking for. And it’s natural to want that, nothing wrong with that. He could have said, “You know I wouldn’t do anything to harm you.”

      But he chose not to say that… and I won’t feel bad about asking.

      Anyhow, thanks for helping me find some clarity here.

      aisha

  8. brookepuppy August 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

    You are only human. We have a natural need to protect ourselves. And you are a strong woman. You are going to take care of yourself.

    That being said, i think i question W not because i don’t trust Him, but because i am testing Him. Will He follow through? Is He dominant enough to not back down? i don’t mean to test Him, but something inside me always has me questioning Him.

    It does get easier i think. Give it some time and don’t beat yourself up.

    Hugs,
    b

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

      @Brooke,

      Yes, thank you. I am strong, and the instinct to try to protect myself is valuable.

      It’s funny, isn’t it, how our needs can be so different, and yet show themselves in similar ways…

      Thanks for the words of encouragement. I’m really good at beating up on myself, but will sure try not to do it too much. {smiling}

      aisha

  9. yesthankyousir August 12, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    Well everything i wanted to say has been covered here. We all love you aisha and will stick by you with words, happy thoughts, prayers …..

    Follow your instincts. But also remember not to let your head overrun your heart.

  10. striving for peace August 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    I’m days behind — and haven’t read comments.

    but it seems

    that it’s all just too much trust too soon

    you have to check the fine print — because he hasn’t shown you that his judgement can be trusted

    yet

    trust yourself
    and
    hugs
    sis

    sfp

    • aisha August 13, 2011 at 4:06 am #

      Thanks, Sfp ~

      Of course you’re right. I have the feeling there’s something else here, but haven’t quite put my finger on it yet…

      aisha

  11. Giggling Bunny August 15, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    As others have said, yes he can want complete and full submission but it’s the trust that’s hard to jump into right away. Too many doms out there expect instant trust and while you seem to have been talking to him for a while…that doesn’t quite equate to real life, I wouldn’t think.

    i would still think doms would be understanding enough to know that it takes time to build that kind of trust…..for now there almost HAS to be limits and exclusions….maybe at a later date they can be removed…but yeah.

    Just my take and I’m a newbie! So grains of salt =)

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