Real Life and Me

11 Aug

Let’s leave our girl simmering for a while, waiting for The Major to come back.

There are people i’ve been talking to, there are always people i’m talking to, you know.  And people i’m not.  Just a few minutes ago, i got this message on Collarme from a Dom in LA.

Hi there Master1111 here. How are you doing. I liked what you had to say in your profile. You look good to but I look for the person more then the looks,shape,size or were one lives. I have been in the lifestyle over 25 years had a slave for ten years till she died of cancer. I have trained before so I know what I am doing. I don’t work 9 to 5 so I have a lot of free time. Anyway I feel you would be what I am looking for. What is your yahoo messenger screen name and I can IM you now.

It’s a form letter, you know.  Second time i’ve gotten it, and Sbf did too.  i blocked him this time.  i need to block MrPhone too, who thinks we could have some great phone sex.

 i heard from MoR again last night, remember him?  He’s the Dom i went to Baltimore to meet back in February.  We’ve stayed in touch, loosely.

i love him dearly, and when we chat, we get ourselves all worked up and he’s ready to own me, wants to brand me, and i’m right there with him, sort of cheering it on.   Then we go to bed, and when i wake up the next morning, i realize we’ve both been insane, drunk on each other, and i start back-pedaling and we end up in the light of day calling the whole thing off.

So you would think when i got a message from him last night asking about possible dates to come visit me – you would think i would have known better than to get excited, right?

But i did, i got all excited.  So our messages go like this:

Him:  Are you sure you want Me to visit?  It’ll be like *this*.

Me:  Yes, yes no problem.

Him:  And like *this*.

Me:  Of course, fine, yes.

Him: And like *this*.

Me:  Sure, that’s fine too.  Well – but wait a minute – what if *this* happens?  Not then, right?

Him:  Yes, then too.

Me:  No, you’re kidding, right?  Really?

Him: Not kidding at all.  

Me:  But ~ but i can’t do that.

Him:  Guess that means no then.  {To the visit.}

And it’s like slamming into a brick wall going 90 miles an hour.  

It’s funny, the first time we hit this wall it was over whether or not i could go to church while He was here.  Now, it’s much bigger than that ~ i’m not even worried about church, but what He would have me do isn’t even a possibility.  It’s a hard limit for me, for sure.

Sigh.

i wish i’d never asked.  It was kind of an off the wall question anyhow.  His stipulation was that i be naked in the house the whole time He’s here, and i’m fine with that.  Except i thought of a possible exception, and i said, “well, but not if… right?”

But yes,even if.

Laughing… The Major would have said, “no.” He would have said, “No, of course not then.”

It makes me cry, you know.  i love Him, and this is torture.  And i think He does it on purpose, think He likes to torture me this way.

Leaves me feeling stupid, like Charlie Brown with the football pulled away.  

But i guess it’s a lesson for me.  {Looking in the mirror…}  Helps me see where my boundaries are these days.  Reminds me that no matter how much i want to belong, i won’t quit being who i am.

And that’s what He wants, you know.  Really.  He wants me to give up who i am, to hand myself to Him.

It’s fortunate for me that He lives so far away, and puts so little effort into pushing me to that level.  

P.S.  Let me be clear – there’s no drama triangle here, right?  i’m not a victim in any way, even though He is torturing me.  Sigh.  This is just how we do it, this is how we dance together, MoR and i.

 

5 Responses to “Real Life and Me”

  1. thesubmissivebf August 11, 2011 at 8:27 am #

    Its hard to fight that drunk feeling once it takes over you, but you know the bender can only last for so long before you sober up and wonder WTF am I doing.
    We are here to hold your hair till you feel better.

    Hugs 🙂

    PS in regards to the second posting…you could do it if you believed it was right for you.

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

      @Sbf –

      Thanks for the support, and the hugs! You’re right, when the bender’s over, there ya are, sober and a little disoriented…

      I guess you’re right about me doing it if I believed it was right for me. That’s what I’m still playing with in my head, you know. For sure, I hope you’re right.

      aisha

  2. angel August 11, 2011 at 10:14 am #

    i had a relationship for almost a decade with a woman i never saw. And we danced. Day and Night, we danced.
    She had a lot of power over me in the last year or two of it, when all i wanted was to slip inside of her skin and breathe for her.
    Yes. It was that kind of dance.
    But then she would pull the rug out right as we were finalizing plans to meet. It took me getting away from her all together, cutting that psychic cord over and over. At some point, it was her voice in my head guiding me day in and day out.
    i got some great things from it, namely, she taught me to never hold back a feeling from her…which gave me access to my feelings in a brand new and good way. i had spent most of my life witholding anger, rage, fear. For better or worse, i got something i desperately needed from her because the woman knew every single secret i had and she loved me anyway. Great power in that. Tremendous. It kept me dancing for years. Figure out, if you can, what you are getting that you need from this dance. Each one is the same. Each one is different. i say, don’t settle. Maybe its a great idea to ask yourself, “What would the Major do?” and if the Dom is too far off that mark, its just not going to be right for you. Let him be your measuring stick and your guide. It’s what he craves, afterall. 🙂
    Sorry this is so long. Hugs to you.

    • aisha August 11, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

      Thanks, Angel, what a thought-provoking response. I really appreciate it.

      Of course I get something from the dance with MoR – he “gets” me. Understands me. In ways that I have not found other people who do. He sees me. The power of that, for me, is almost overwhelming.

      Almost.

      So yea, i can ask ‘What Would The Major Do?” Not a bad idea. Do you think i can have a bracelet made – “WWTMD”??

      laughing…

      Thanks, and hugs,

      aisha

  3. Giggling Bunny August 15, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

    Let me just say I applaud you at keeping your boundaries! Especially given how much you feel for him…to just have that one thing left to deal with…..and have that carrot dangled and then snatched away. Some limits can be pushed but some ….. just can’t. Good for you for knowing the difference.

    It has to be hard though. *hugs*

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