i Have to Say

17 Aug

First of all, i’m exhausted, and i need to be at work early.  This is the week i’m on call for my second job, and i’ve gotten home late both nights this week.  While that’s a benefit for my bank account, it’s to the detriment of my sleep account.

So now my brain is all numb and dull, my eyes feel gritty, and my body kind of achy, as i drink my first cup of morning tea.  Not complaining, just saying.

i was haunted off and on yesterday too by my beloved subsister, ‘Nilla’s blog post.  It was one of her darker fantasies and she is the Queen of Darkness, in my book anyhow.   Read it here if you haven’t already.

Understand, i am not saying anything negative about ‘Nilla, who i love dearly, or her fantasies, which i read avidly.  They turn me on even when i don’t “like” them.  

And this particular one hit a painful note with me that i couldn’t quite shake yesterday.

i’ve worked with clients who’ve experienced similar situations – more than one woman who, as a teenager, had a friend who had a brother they kind of liked.  Who went to the friend’s house hoping for attention, affirmation, and maybe even sex from the brother, and ended up raped by brother and his friends. 

My clients ~ there have been two of them ~ blamed themselves because they liked the brother, because they flirted, because they drew attention to themselves.

So ‘Nilla’s post hit a memory of that pain.

And then yesterday at work, i had some conversation with other staff about rape, and whose fault it is.  My frustration at having to have the conversation with people who work with victims left me gritting my teeth and trying to remember to breathe.

So i need to say this.  It’s not a criticism of  ‘Nilla’s dark and dirty fantasies ~ fantasies are a free-for-all.  But i need to say it.

People get raped because they cross paths with a rapist at a time when they are unprotected and vulnerable in some way.  They may be alone, they may be drunk, they may be asleep.   At a party, in a bar, in their own home.  They may be a child, a teenager, an adult, or an old person.  In the “wrong” neighborhood, wearing the “wrong” clothes, or tied up on the bed waiting for friend’s brother to come home.  Doesn’t matter.

Rape is always the fault of the rapist.  

The rapist always has the choice to turn away.  

The rapist will tell you “She/he asked for it.”  They’ll say, “I thought she/he wanted it.”  They say that because they don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions.  They always have the option of asking, “Do you want this?  Is this ok?”

When it’s a child, even if the child literally asks for it, it is the responsiblity of the adult to say “no.”  If a child asked you to give them crack cocaine, most of us would say ‘No.”  If they asked us to beat them in the head with a two-by-four, we would probably say, “Um, no, i don’t think so.”

And if we did say “yes,” and beat them in the head with the two-by-four, “She asked me to,” would probably not be considered a good defense.

i like to think that people already know all that, and probably you do, probably it’s just some of the staff i work with who aren’t quite clear on it.  And my clients, who generally blame themselves.

One more thing – about arousal.  i often read blogs where the idea that “i realized i did like this {whatever the Dom was doing} because i was wet,” comes up.  

Research on arousal, with electrodes attached to bodies, measuring physical signs of arousal, shows that men are fairly picky about what turns them on.  And what they say they like generally matches what actually makes them hard.

So if a man says he likes watching women have sex, but two men wouldn’t turn him on, he’s probably right.  Hooked up to electrodes, watching two women on a video will probably make him hard, a video of two men won’t.  Or vice versa, depending on orientation.


Ask a woman if watching two dogs have sex turns her on, and she’s likely to say no.  Hook her up to electrodes, have her watch the dog video, and she’s likely to get wet.  She’s still gonna tell you the dogs don’t turn her on, but she’s likely to be wet.

Apparently, we get wet at the idea of anything remotely sexual.  

We think that’s a built-in protection for our bodies ~ the wetness protects against tissue damage in case of rape, to some extent.  Without the mental element of being turned on, it really doesn’t mean anything.

And that’s not to say it always works like that either – clearly, there are times with sex looming that we’re not wet, just as there are times that men are mentally aroused and not hard.  {At least i guess…}

Along those same lines, we orgasm because of physical reactions.  So you can have an orgasm and, unless you gave consent, it was still rape.  Your body just doesn’t always know the difference.

i kind of love the idea of us being ready for sex at the drop of a hat.  No wonder society is forever trying to control our sexuality!  We’re quite the wanton creatures.  We act like men are all about sex, when really, maybe it’s us.  {smiling}

i feel batter for having said all this, thank you very much.  Off for another exciting day now, hoping it ends a little bit earlier than the last two.

And yes, i promise, The Major will be back tomorrow.

30 Responses to “i Have to Say”

  1. Mick August 17, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    Excellent point, Aisha. As a father of 4 daughters, I must say I have trouble with this issue as well. and while I love your work, ‘Nilla, those types of stories are the ones I usually avoid once I see where they are going..


    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

      Thanks, Mick. Yes, I think it must be hard for a father raising daughters. But I always think the best protection a girl can have is a loving father – not because he can protect her, but because that experience sets such a powerful standard.


  2. striving for peace August 17, 2011 at 6:34 am #

    Thank you Aisha

    I’m sorry that some of your peers are fuzzy on this from time to time — perhaps because the note that their clients take risks they deem to be unnecessary from time to time.

    but risky behavior is not consent.

    it’s unwise
    but it’s not consent

    Thank you sub sis


    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

      @Sfp –

      Yes, o perceptive one, I think you’re exactly right, that’s what happens with my co-workers, and it’s a natural reaction. Just not a particularly helpful one. Of course, it’s also not helpful that it makes me want to grit my teeth.

      “Risky behavior is not consent.” I’ll have to quote you – I like the flow of that.

      Thank you.


  3. thesubmissivebf August 17, 2011 at 6:56 am #

    Get some rest…hugs

    PS I agree that was not one of my favorite stories, way to dark or maybe to close to home for me.

    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 8:52 pm #


      Yes, thanks for the hugs, planning on resting tonight!

      I think it’s difficult when someone’s fantasy touches my own nightmares. Yes.

      hugs back to you,


  4. sin August 17, 2011 at 6:57 am #

    I love you Aisha. And I love this post. You say, “People get raped because they cross paths with a rapist at a time when they are unprotected and vulnerable in some way. They may be alone, they may be drunk, they may be asleep….Rape is always the fault of the rapist.” Yes, yes, YES!

    The victim can and often does blame themselves after for putting themselves in that vulnerable place: for bring alone, for being drunk, flor flirting. For attracting the attention of the rapist in the first place.

    But the decision to rape, to touch someone else’s body is still totally in the hands of the rapist. Don’t give me that crap about “she was asking for it”. In response, I say “No means No”. And it keeps meaning no until it changes to a yes. That’s easy isn’t it?

    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 8:55 pm #


      Yes, we’re so in agreement here!

      And it’s fascinating to me that the kink community – at least the part of it I know – seems to get this so much more clearly, so much more consistently, than so many social workers.

      Why is that? Hmmmm. Food for another post someday.

      Thanks, Sin.


  5. nilla August 17, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    if you are worried that i’ll be upset by this? Not. At. All.

    Coz this is not a dis…this is hard and cold reality, something that my darker fantasies touch on, but aren’t really about.

    We may fantasize about having to service a group of men, but how many of us would really, really REALLY want to be forced into a gangbang…ie: Forceably raped by a bunch of dicks.

    That is not the same scene at all as a 24/7 D/s couple that have a “standing status” of consensual non-consent.

    What you are saying here is that you’ve first hand seen the damage that a real-life rape does to a woman. (and likely to a man who is forced)

    its brutality at its worst and is not a “crime of passion” but of rage. And opportunity. And disrespect.

    and all that said? i will still masturbate to the fantasy of it…all the while praying it never really happens to me…

    love and big hugs,


    • sin August 17, 2011 at 9:10 am #

      Good answer Nilla, there’s a big difference between fantasy and reality. And something being a terrible reality doesn’t (for some twisted reason) make it a bad fantasy.

      • aisha August 17, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

        And isn’t that a fascinating thing too?

        I know that ‘Nilla is firmly anti-rape, and yet she does the hottest rape stories…


      • aisha August 17, 2011 at 9:18 pm #


        Yes. This is part of your gift, and one of the things I love about you. You can wrap your mind around both – the hot rape fantasy, and the not hot non-consensual rape.

        That was what always freaked me out and kept me from coming out – I knew that Story of O turned me on, but I didn’t want to actually live it.

        But you know I appreciate your fantasies with all my heart, and I really knew you wouldn’t be upset with this post – I think I just wanted to make it clear that it was important to me that everyone understand that I wasn’t in any way dissing you.

        Yes, that was it.

        many hugs,


  6. baby girl August 17, 2011 at 8:28 am #


    Loved your post and you couldn’t be more spot on. Anyone whose ever had a mother, sister, aunt, friend or themselves– knows the “she was asking for it” really is a bunch of crap.

    Kudos on your post!

    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

      @baby girl,

      Thanks for commenting!

      And thanks for the kind words of agreement.

      AND what a lovely blog you have! I hadn’t visited it before, I’ll have to drop by again…


  7. Sky August 17, 2011 at 9:32 am #

    No means no. Period. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As a mother of two teenage daughters, I pray every day they are never in a situation where their voice is not heard or their safety is compromised. The world is a scary place sometimes.

    For me, the story was fantasy but parts of it were a little too close to home. Nilla has the gift of painting such a vivid picture – it’s like we are right there in her fantasy. She is a lot braver than me. I’m afraid to even voice my darkest fantasies.

    Big hug to you, Aisha.

    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 9:08 pm #


      Thank you – the world can be scary, can’t it? Particularly when you’re raising kids.

      And good heavens, yes, ‘Nilla puts us right in the moment!! She’s a brave soul too, voicing the darkest stuff. There’s a power in that, that i always respect.

      Thanks for the hug – back to you!


  8. vanillamom August 17, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    and yes to all said above? No. Means. No.

  9. littlemonkey August 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    I’ve experienced the reality, and I still love the fantasy, but I completely understand the reasons you needed to say it. . I had a big old long comment to put here, but everyone has said it so well.

    • aisha August 17, 2011 at 9:15 pm #

      Thanks for the understanding, LM. It’s interesting isn’t it, how that works?

      And I would have enjoyed your comment regardless, but you’re right, they did say it well. That’s one of the things I love about this community.


  10. Sarah August 17, 2011 at 10:10 pm #

    Like everyone else, and you, have said… no means no, period.

    I’ve been there too, and it’s the worst to have people who don’t believe you, or say you must have done something to encourage the attack. I think those who don’t get this should imagine if it were them, how would they want to be treated.

    • aisha August 18, 2011 at 4:37 am #

      Hi, Sarah,

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting.

      Yes, I think you’re right, the experience of not being believed is painful and damaging. And I think it happens partly because the other person doesn’t want to have to imagine what it would be like if it were them. Just like we blame the victim because that allows up to believe it can’t happen to us.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!


  11. K August 18, 2011 at 5:48 am #

    Just catching up and thank you for writing all this, I’m glad you feel better that you did. It is so important of a fact that simply being wet is not an invitation or an asking for it. In fact, that is something used to guilt children into doing things, and it is down right despicable. It’s something Oprah talked about, and I will always respect her for bringing this topic to light.

    Many of my fantasies turn me on, the idea of being forced, etc etc. However, in reality, anything even remotely feeling forced or like my will is not respected, complete turn off and down right scary, although I hide the fear so as not to look vulnerable and then really be in trouble. It’s a fine line. Yes, I want all women myself included to protect ourselves, be cautious, careful, respect ourselves, etc. But, not because it’s our fault.

    One thing that turns me on about a relationship, vanilla, D/s or some combo of the two, is feeling safe enough with someone to go to all these places with me. To explore my dark fantasies, to even do a rape scene with me if we ever felt that comfortable. I imagine after-care would last a few weeks. I have realized I am way too sensitive to be sexual and erotic with a man casually. Fantasies are one thing, but reality is completely different.

    Thanks aisha,


    • aisha August 18, 2011 at 7:01 am #


      Thanks for your comment – yes, I think it’s really important too, to have that information, Cool that Oprah did a segment on it.

      I think what you’re talking about – that dynamic tension between wanting to be totally respected and not forced – and wanting to explore that dark side ~ is really at the heart of TTWD. I love thinking about it and exploring the ideas around it.

      Thanks again for the input, K.


  12. Bob August 18, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Of course you are 100% correct about rapists. Concerning another part of your post, I can attest to the fact that men (at least SOME men) can be aroused without getting a hardon.. And it sometimes can be equally satisfying, because remember, the brain is the biggest sex organ.

  13. Andi August 18, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

    So it took me two days to respond to this, other than the one unfortunate incedent where my ex forced his way into my ass. I’ve never dealt first hand with physical rape. I have many times felt raped emotionally and mentally. I’ve had good friends of mine raped (one juvenile incest another by a break in rape/robbery) I was at the trail for the incest incident, and as her father said she would intice him and she came on to him. I became enraged, she was nine. The break in/rape said the SAME thing, she teased him by cleaning her house naked. With her blinds
    Closed. The individuals who rape are like children with chocolate on their mouths. “I didn’t eat it and it’s not my fault” the non consensual act of rape is deplorable.

    In my private life I have enjoyed set up, safe scenes where I was “forcibly taken” by someone who loved me and cared for me. It was exciting to feel helpless while I was safe.

    Thank you for always stimulating my mind 🙂


    • aisha August 19, 2011 at 6:54 am #

      Dear Andi,

      Thanks for your response. That is such a good description of the attitude sex offenders have; you’re so right. And it is painful to see victims struggle with pushing that burden back off themselves.

      And yes, there’s such a huge difference between that and consensual rape scenes.

      Thanks again for your comment,


  14. poured out August 21, 2011 at 11:14 am #

    Thanks for saying it, Aisha.

  15. Giggling Bunny August 25, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    Really really good post. In the bdsm community, rape seems to come up often because there are forms of rape-play that can be fun but I like how you addressed that at least in the world of full non-consent or even other circumstances that imply non-consent, the rapist still very much has a choice.

    Also rather interesting about being wet even at the thought of sex, whether we’re really turned on or not.

    • aisha August 25, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

      @Giggling Bunny,

      Thanks – I’m glad you liked it. Yes, rape is significant whether it’s rape-play or real rape. I think so much of BDSM is efforts to help us heal, so that makes perfect sense.



  1. About nilla—thoughts and thoughts… | Vanillamom's Blog - August 20, 2011

    […] i’ve done a lot of thinking while working last night, today on my vanilla stuff. It started with aisha’s post here. […]

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