To Literalize

After my last interactions with MoR, i was talking with JM, the amazing analyst, about what had happened.  You know, MoR and i do this dance where our conversation takes us ever spiraling upward into peaks of D/s that delight and thrill.  He keeps pushing me to agree to deeper submissive ~~ wait, that doesn’t work, deeper submissive heights?  

Laughing…

Ok, but you know what i mean, maybe.  By the time we end a conversation, i’m agreeing that i want to be his slave, and of course him branding me with his name is a logical next step.  i know i’ve talked about this before, but i go over and over it in my head, trying to understand it, so hang with me while i trace the pattern on more time.

i hold in my heart the connection between us.  i love MoR, and always will, i suppose.  He “gets me” in a way that few other people do.  And he does sweep me away into a passionate depth of desire to give, to please, to belong to.

In the cold light of the next day, he says, “But I can’t own you, I couldn’t provide you with health insurance.”

i say, “Well, and with my luck you’d brand my ass with your name and drop dead the next day.  Where would i be then?’

And we laugh a little.

The truth is many things.  We have this connection – and we live too far apart.  i know, that’s not a barrier to a LDR, but it is if i want touch, and someone to go to dinner and fundraisers and plays and munches with me.  

And it is too far if he doesn’t want to put the time and energy it would take into being connected with me.  So we’re talking intensely, i’m all hyped up ~ and he disappears.  For a few days.  i begin to get over him ~ figure he’s gone ~ and he’s back.

i can’t do it.  If he told me he was going to be out of touch…

Ok, never mind that’s not the path i want to go down. 

Here’s the thing.  So a few weeks ago,  he says he wants to come see me.  i’m delighted.  And youall know the story, we’re all good til i ask him a question.   So i say something like, “Well of course i’ll stay naked, well – unless there’s a fire, right?”

And he says, “No, even if there’s a fire, it would be good for the neighbors to see that you belong to me.”

And i know – i really know – this is a ridiculous conversation.  But now that he’s said that, i have to believe him, and i say, “no, i’m not being naked in front of the neighbors” and the whole thing falls apart and he’s not coming to visit.

Now – here at last – 521 words into this, i have something new to say.  

When i saw JM, the amazing analyst, a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about it.  He’s really good at helping me see the symbolic meaning of my relationship with MoR.  So when i tell him about the question part, he laughs and says, 

“So you literalized it.”

Yes.  

That’s not a bad thing, but it brings the relationship  crashing down from these lofty peaks of symbolism to the mundane and literal ~ a house fire and shocking the neighbors.   MoR does the same thing when he says he can’t provide me with insurance.

Do you see what i’m saying?  It wasn’t that the question reflected a lack of trust, although in a way it did, but that it literalized the exchange.

And isn’t that what we do in TTWD?  We take all this deep material of the psyche – archetypes and personas and our shadow side, we add some ideals and standards, mix with sexuality and passion,  and we incarnate them.  We give them body, make them “manifest and comprehensible.”   

There’s always a dynamic tension between the ideas and the incarnation of the ideas.  So ~ new relationship, she says, “yes, i want to be submissive to you.”  He says, “Would you do this?  What about this?  And this?’

She says, “yes, yes, yes,” and means it.  Absolutely means it.

He says, “Then do **this** now.”

She says, “O, wait a minute, um, i don’t know you that well yet…”

He has literalized it.  And done it in a way that doesn’t work for her, or that she wasn’t ready for.  

It must be dreadfully hard being a Dom.  Having to try to work one’s way through this mess of desires and fears and longing and lust…  but i digress.

It’s not just a matter of following through on what you say.   i think we work on articulating a vision, and then giving it life.  So ~ conversely ~

when Mr. No Panties announces it’s no panty day, that’s very literal.  In fact, given that we have no actual connection at this point, it’s purely literal.  Even if i don’t wear panties that day, there’s no basis of connection between us to give it meaning.

If i say, “yes, Sir,” and then don’t wear panties, there is a little more symbolic value, but not much.

Does that make sense?  We can sacrifice the literal for the symbolic, or we can ignore the symbolic and get caught up in the literal.

We need both.  

We need to define the symbolic nature of the relationship, and we need to agree on how to make it literal.

So – Mick and Molly have a contract.  Based on that contract, as i understand it, Molly could whip Mick til he bleeds every day.  Or once a week.  {i know, i’m appalled that i even said that.  But i think she could, under the contract.}

Why doesn’t that happen?  Well, Molly’s not very sadistic.  Mick’s not too masochistic. Their shared vision of the relationship doesn’t include that behavior, even though, theoretically, and literally, she could do that.   

Sigh.  As i write about this, i feel like i’m trying to make my way through a deep fog.  i get a glimmer of clarity, think i see the path, and then wander blindly again.

Relationships are made and broken in the tension between the symbolic and literal definitions.  i guess that’s always true, whether the relationship is teacher/student, parent/child, boss/employee, therapist/client or Dom/sub.   You know, if i say i’m the “teacher,” that has symbolic value.  What do i mean by that, how does that play out?

 D/s relationships, i think, have more overtly symbolic material to work with and we are often more conscious of it.  We are more intentional in how we approach it, at least some of us are, some of the time

So i’m looking for your thoughts on this too ~ this idea of the symbolic value of our relationship having to be translated into the literal.  Does it make sense?  Mean anything?   How do you think it works?

And i haven’t forgotten The Major and His poor slut, waiting for Him to relieve her…  they’ll be back.