A Sir X Moment

22 Sep

You know, actually i was going to write more about the Path of Service and Mastery, but after i got to thinking about ‘Nilla’s comment, i realized i really do have more to say about my evening with Sir X.

i can see so clearly how the “training” is progressing, it’s not that i’m being deluded in any way.  Each time, the spanking is a little more intense.  

This time, each smack with His hand was fierce, leaving my ass red and throbbing before he got out the flogger.  

The flogger is gentle, well, comparatively.  But He uses it on more sensitive parts of my body, and tonight He put the clamps on first.  The c-clamps that He likes, with the chain between them.

They don’t hurt much, they really don’t.  But i feel them, there’s an awareness, and when He uses the flogger on top of them, well, i feel it.

And you know, i feel it more after they’re off, i feel them when i’m in the shower the next day.  And i know now that i’m going to feel them then, if that makes sense.

He just smiles when i tell Him that.  “Really?” He says, “You feel them the next day?  Your nipples are still sensitive in the morning?”

~~ and i laugh cause He’s sounding all innocent, like He had no idea, and looking totally knowing at the same time.  i don’t know how He does that. 

So the flogger is a lovely break, and then it’s the stringy thing, which is sharp and fierce and leaves marks.  Followed by the belt.

And i know it’s all more intense tonight, i can tell.  My ass is hotter, redder, and more tender when He’s through.  

But He goes slowly, i have time to absorb each blow.  This is good for me.  

If it’s too fast, too intense, i’ll dissociate, slip away in my head, so i can tolerate it.  And that might be ok, but afterwards, i’ll feel ~

~ i’ll feel off.  Wrong.  It won’t feel good, won’t feel right.   And i won’t have words for what’s wrong.  Won’t even quite know myself what the problem is.

i remember this from my husband, that was how it was towards the end.  It wasn’t good for me.

And i wonder if i should mention that to Sir X.  That too much pain makes me go away.  i think about it, play it out in my head. 

And then i think about the feelings, the way it is when he has me against the door, arms over my head, ass bare.  This time, He left the rope harness on for a long time while He was spanking me.

Left it on through the flogger and the stringy thing.  Took it off before the belt.  

i think about how He holds my nipple with one hand when He’s using the sharp, stringy thing on me.  

i think about how He asks me afterwards how i would rate that spanking, if i felt like it was too mild, that i needed more, or if it was moderate, or was it too harsh, was really pushing my limits.

It was moderate, i mean, i felt it, i didn’t think it was too mild.  But it wasn’t pushing my limits too much either.  Not too much.

And i don’t think i need to tell Him anything.

i think, compared to some of the experiences i read, i think He’s very gentle with me.  i think it might even sound like He’s too solicitous of me.  Asking my opinion, making sure i’m ok, all that.

But.

If you were there ~ if you could see Him ~ you’d know that He really is training  me.  That feels so odd, to say that, and know it’s true.

Like you would train a horse who’d been treated badly before, gently, giving her rewards for doing what you wanted, but all the time shaping her behavior.

i’m learning to trust Him.  He’s learning my responses.  i don’t know exactly where He’s taking me.  But He does.  

i don’t think it’s ever going to be about how much He can hurt me.  But i think He wants control.  i think He wants obedience.

i think He’ll get whatever He wants.

23 Responses to “A Sir X Moment”

  1. sin September 22, 2011 at 7:37 am #

    sweet – see why we like him?

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

      {grinning}. Yep. Same reason I like him. Thanks, sin. aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  2. striving for peace September 22, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    smiling.

    I love that what you’ve found is different from what I’ve found — and they’re both seem to be so right

    hugs

    sfp

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

      @Sfp. Yes I know what you mean. Magically amazing, isn’t it?

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  3. vanillamom September 22, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    He sounds amazing. Perfectly suited to guide you to where He wants you to be, and, AND–be the tender and caring Dominate that you crave.

    Not a brutal monster out to sate himself and go…but a committed and caring Man.

    This was beautiful.

    nilla
    who is beaming with happiness for you, heartsister

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:47 pm #

      Thank you, ‘nilla. Yes. I think he’s amazing- can’t wait for you to meet him!

      Aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  4. Faithful September 22, 2011 at 10:05 am #

    more, more , more

    ~faithful

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:48 pm #

      @faithful,

      Working on it! Grinning.

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  5. angel September 22, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    For what its worth, i think, on some level, he already
    knows or you wouldn’t have the feelings behind the
    horse analogy.

    i think you must tell him if you start having flashbacks.

    He may not be able to see the difference between subspace
    and disassociation but it sounds like he would be able to
    feel the difference there.

    Keep in mind every cell in our body has a memory and that
    alone can trigger.

    i would tell him based on this logic:
    would he want you to hold back from him?

    At some point, it might not be your choice about
    what to share or how to share it. Right now, it is and
    i say take advantage of that.

    i’m so very happy for you, darlin’.

    Clamps though? Remind me to send you a picture of
    my little “gift” which i’d like to accidently loose.

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

      @angel,

      Yes, I have told him some things. But not specifically that. I learn so much from you.

      They’re not classic flashbacks. More an emotional flashback. But still. Yes ma’am. I’ll tell him.

      And yes! Send me the picture.

      Hug.

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. vanillamom September 22, 2011 at 11:36 am #

    Angel….

    as much as i enjoy aisha’s postings?

    that’s how much i enjoy your comments/commentary….insightful and beautiful, thoughtful and real.

    (and you are correct that she should tell her Sir…i had meant to say that as well…so glad you said it so much more eloquently!)

    nilla

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

      @’nilla,

      Yes. She’s awesome.

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

    • angel September 23, 2011 at 6:07 am #

      @ Nilla….gosh, you are making me blush.

      @ aisha….it is only because you inspire me and i love ya. i understood it was an emotional flashback possability but gee, you don’t want to say, end up saying something rude in the midst of that happening like some little girl i know. i’m not naming any names (Angel!).

      i wish i could remember who said, “We are all each of us angels with only one wing. We can only fly by holding each other up.”

      @Nilla and Aisha…
      i want in on the next sleep over. 🙂

  7. little monkey September 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    Every sub is different, and so is every Dom. It sound like He has you right where you need to be and has a plan for you.

    Building that trust, expanding your limits slowly, at a pace you can handle, and maybe later He’ll really push you…when He knows you are ready. Tell him everything aisha, and let him decide if it’s important.

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

      Dear LM,

      He does – he is holding me where he wants me, where I need to be.

      And yes. Thank you- I will tell him. Of course you’re right.

      Hug

      Aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  8. greengirl September 22, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    As someone once said to me – “yes, yes, yes – that’s what i want, but in my own way” Each person’s circumstances mean that some things are possible while others aren’t – sometimes things – both of which are good and desirable, are mutually exclusive. This discovery and revealing and learning and being led is delicious and lovely and oh so desirable. And i am so happy that you are finding it and living in it.

    As to telling him things you think are important – you don’t have to decide whether he thinks it’s important or not, or be responsible for what he does with the information – i find knowing that makes it easier to decide to talk about things i do feel are important.

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

      Thank you, Gg. You’re right, and I hear you. I’ll let him decide.

      I have a lot to learn about submission.

      Aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  9. Sky September 22, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

    I love that your Sir is leading you slowly. And I think the more you tell him of your past the better. The more information he has, the better :). He sounds so lovely and caring.

    Take care. Sky

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

      @sky

      Yes, he is lovely and caring.

      And yes. You’re right too. It’s like a chorus of birds. All the subsisters flying up to teach me.

      I love you all.

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  10. Jazmine September 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    talking about the past isn’t easy I know. I battled that with my Master. (and you know my past) it was one of those… do i REALLY need to tell him or will he be able to read my signals? In the end I told Him and it made a huge difference for us in how He handled certain situations because He had all the information and made decisions according to the information He had.

    Btw I am SO happy for you. hugs

    • aisha September 22, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

      @Jazmine,

      Yes, {sigh} i know. And really, i’m thinking it’s not necessary to talk in more detail about it, but that’s probably just avoidance.

      Damn it.

      Thanks for reminding me how important it is…

      aisha

  11. nancy September 22, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

    I’m so happy for you to have found a man who will lead you slowly and deliberately on and on until you’re telling him everything and more.
    It is a journey like no other. Enjoy and trust..Talk is essential.. absolutely.
    I tried to avoid it once. He caught me and slowly showed me how being open would be so much better. I don’t do the avoidance thing any more.. or at least I try not to do it.
    All the best..cheers!

    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 5:09 am #

      Thanks, Nancy, for the kind words and the good advice. I hear you, I know you’re right, and I appreciate your input.

      Thank you,

      aisha

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