This Morning….

23 Sep

So this morning i drafted a long email to Sir telling him about the whole dissociation thing, which took up the time i would have spent blogging, but i’m glad i did it.

You may be wondering, well, why didn’t she tell Him face to face?

Well, as it turned out, it was hard enough to write it.  i was afraid i wouldn’t get up the nerve to tell Him if i waited.

Which is stupid, i know it’s stupid, and it pisses me off at myself, because i know that’s ridiculous… so i berate myself for feeling that way, and then berate myself more for berating myself, and then…  

That’s real helpful, right?  

Laughing… ok, not helpful at all.  Sheesh.

Letting it go now.  i’ve dropped it in His lap, and He can do whatever He wants with it.  

Feelings are just feelings, there’s nothing wrong with any of them, so if i feel foolish, that’s ok too.  Breathe… in and out, noticing the rise and fall of my chest…


i think i’ve mentioned that i have a sad little toy box, with my one blue vibrating dildo in it.  Sir was kind of surprised at that.  Soon, my little dildo will have a brother.

A big brother.

As we speak, this ~ this ~ um, toy?  is on its way to my house.  In a brown paper wrapper, no doubt.

So, here’s a picture of it.  The picture i could download has it completely unwrapped, which is even more frightening ~ um, exciting ~ than seeing it in the package.

The Hard Rammer

Yeah.  Yikes.  That’s what i said.

He says He has experience with this device and that ~~

                                   It’s not as BAD as it looks, but it is as GOOD as it looks ! 

We’ll see, right?

22 Responses to “This Morning….”

  1. angel September 23, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    It doesn’t matter how you told him, it matters that you told him.
    Good for you, love.

    That is what i meant when i said, right now, you are
    in control over how and what you share.

    Right now, it felt best to you to get it out on paper.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Some people think better in writing. If i have something difficult to say, i often have asked to please write it.

    i’m really proud of you. It would have been way easy to have told yourself we are all insane or don’t know him or don’t know your relationship and kept avoiding it.

    This way though, you have done something very important.
    You have demonstrated your trust in him and in your own instincts, two things not working well during that bad time period in your past.



    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm #

      Thank you, Angel… I really do appreciate the support and guidance. AND i know you’re right.



  2. sin September 23, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    Oh my gosh. A dick with a handle. It looks umm. Giant.

    Feelings are just feelings. And there’s nothing wrong with any of them. But sometimes they are hard to tell. It seems like you communicated them very well, in a way that worked for you and now he can come back to you and discuss more if he wants to. That’s often what we do here.


    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:39 pm #


      It, um, is Giant. Clearly huge. And kinda scary.

      And yes. I KNOW that. That is what ends up pissing me off at myself, is thinking I should already know… But I did, I did good, and he responded and that was excellent.

      Happy sigh.



  3. Sky September 23, 2011 at 7:25 am #

    O that dildo looks both scary and good. Maybe even a little brutal.

    It sounds like you are breathing a little easier just because you have told and shared your feelings/thoughts with Him. Sometimes, that’s the hardest part, just writing or talking about the past – Opening the door to further discussion.

    You’ve offered your thoughts up to Him and like you said, It’s up to Him and “He can do whatever He wants with it.”

    From what youve shared of your Sir, i imagine He will be mindful of your past, while holding your hand and leading you into the future.

    Take care,


    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:41 pm #


      Yes, I think it looks a little brutal! For sure, it could be.

      I am breathing easier, and like I told Sin, his response was incredibly just right.and he said you all were right, it was important for me to have told him.

      So yeah. It’s all as good as anything can be. {Smiling…}


  4. vanillamom September 23, 2011 at 8:03 am #


    that thing made me shiver…hmmm….and didn’t we say we were going to a place?? Heh…there could be sudden additions to your toybox, my heartsister…suddenly sprouting all *sorts* of toys….


    As to the “dropped it in His lap”…so you did, and you are so right…he will do with it what he chooses, but at least he *knows*…and that’s a good thing, so yay for you for facing demons twice..once for writing it, once for sending it.

    Proud of ya!


    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:44 pm #


      Laughing out loud ~ yes, we are going to “a place.” I think we’ll take a camera ~ my Sir will enjoy pictures of us shopping, and I rather imagine yours will too!

      Thanks for the supportive words ~yes, it was the right thing to do, and he says so too….

      Thank you.


      P.S. 11 more days!!

  5. Bill September 23, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    Sometimes you have to write it out to make it do what you want. Face to face sometimes is good and often times can get in the way of what needs to be said. Proud of you and look forward to hearing about the new toy!

    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:45 pm #


      You’re right of course, and for me, writing something always helps me process it.

      Thanks for the kind words!

      I um, I guess i”m looking forward to learning more about the new toy… yikes.


      P.S. But REALLY looking forward to meeting you and Donna IRL!!

  6. Striving for Peace September 23, 2011 at 8:20 am #

    I’m glad you told him.

    and that thing


    is it scary because it’s scary or because it’s flesh colored?


    I bet you’ll enjoy it


    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:47 pm #


      {Smiling} Yes, youall were right, it was the right thing to do. I’m really glad I did too.

      And that thing?

      I dont’ know! I mean, it’s SOOOO big, and it’s got the handle, AND it’s flesh colored and ~~ i don’t know which part is scariest!!!

      Laughing… i bet i do too.


  7. Donna September 23, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    Uh-oh, I just read Bill’s comment and I can tell he has his eye on “The Hard Rammer” as an accessory in our home, too. What kind of name is that for something to be used in such a delicate area on those of us of the gentler sex? Oh, right, a doggone good one!!! ha ha ha.

    Doesn’t the name “The Hard Rammer” bring to mind all kinds of pirate adventures? “Ramming speed me matey.” You might want to buy your Sir an eyepatch, aisha!


    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:53 pm #


      Yep, I think you’re probably right… you are likely to end up close and personal with the business end of The Hard Rammer… Mwhahahahaha!!

      And yes, for sure it makes me think of pirates. Perhaps I will get him an eyepatch. Should I get Bill one too, as a Welcome to Where-i-Live in about a week and a half????

      Maybe we can compare notes in person! ❤ you…


  8. Bob the builder September 23, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    It’s about time your toy box got updated. I know you’ll LOVE the addition. Hold on with both hands, it’s gonna be a wild ride, lol

    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:54 pm #


      Laughing… yes, I bet it will be a wild ride! Thanks for the good wishes. 🙂


  9. Faithful September 23, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    it has fake veins.. that is scary!.. like very!


    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:55 pm #


      I know – I saw that too, and had the same thought. There’s just something about those bulging veins… very scary.

      And I suspect I will like it a lot…


  10. Jz September 23, 2011 at 5:52 pm #

    Am I the only one who gets squicked out by dildos that are made to make look “lifelike”?
    The whole “bulging veins in plastic” thing is a marketing idea I could have done without…
    I like my veins real and my toys bright, happy, fake colors.

    BUT — that’s just one woman’s opinion.
    Hopefully, you’ll be so busy squealing giddily that design critique never enters your head.

    • aisha September 23, 2011 at 7:58 pm #


      Um, I’m pretty sure it’s not designed to make me feel all cozy and comfy, so yeah, the bulging veins gave me pause for a moment.

      But I don’t much care for fake colored dildos, IMO. Particularly not pink. I’m probably the only one that feels this way, but if I wanted a girly penis, I’d ~ well, I don’t know what I’d do, but I still wouldn’t look for a neon pink one.

      Actually the one I have is bright blue. Kinda like Smurfs, if anyone remembers them…

      And yes, I’m thinking I’ll be too busy to worry about what it looks like!



    • Striving for Peace September 23, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

      personally — I’m not sure I have seen a penis that looks like that one

      (and no — I don’t just mean the handle)

      perhaps he should see a doctor?


      • aisha September 24, 2011 at 5:05 am #


        Um, “He” should see a doctor? “He” being the possessor of the not-so-lifelike penis in the picture??? lol

        Yes. Perhaps He should.



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