A Little Frazzled

28 Sep

i’m a little frazzled today. Scattered.  i’ve started two other posts already this morning and discarded them for now. 

i’m back and forth from here to facebook to email and back again.

i’m out in the kitchen, getting tea and tidying the remnants of groceries i brought in last night ~ why do i not put everything away right away????  

Donna sent me a video yesterday, or maybe the day before, on sex slavery ~ not sex slavery in a good way.  i emailed her back that i couldn’t watch it right now, that i was avoiding it because i thought it would be too painful, and i’m always half traumatized anyhow.

Funny thing to write, i don’t usually think of myself that way, but right now it’s true.  Sometimes it seems like there is so much misery and suffering all around me anyhow and when things happen that turn it up a notch, i start getting overwhelmed and numb.

Numb feels better than in pain, but really it’s not.

But i told Donna i couldn’t watch it right now, and she emailed me back, 

Honey, just delete it. No pressure.

And i felt this huge sense of relief ~ which is funny, did i need her permission not to watch it?  

Apparently.

So thanks, Donna… {smiling}

Anyhow, i will share this here – and that’s funny, cause i wouldn’t share it other places, but here i am most open and honest.

Work is crushing me – daily, the pressure on me increases, and i’m walking a fine line between being honest with staff about what they need to be doing to keep their jobs and trying not to crush them, trying to help figure out ways to make it work, trying to support and guide and push all at the same time.

And sometimes i have to tell them things that are painful and that i don’t agree with, and watch them struggle with that too. 

And there are client decisions i have to make, not for individual clients but for whole groups of clients, that are difficult and painful and essential.

And i have some staff who i don’t supervise who are not being helpful, who, in fact, are hindering.

And we have a client who had a family member beat the crap out of her ~ black eyes, swollen to slits, her whole face puffy and bruised for days.  This family member then took an EPO (Emergency Protective Order) out on her.  

Now, they had no injuries.  None.  But charges have been dropped against that person, and my client is being charged with assault.

Her  lawyer didn’t show up when charges were being pressed against the person who beat her up, and the judge didn’t have her medical records, cause she gave them to the lawyer, and they dropped the charges against the family member.

And are pressing charges against her.  Her lawyer wants her to plead guilty.  To a felony.  It doesn’t even make sense, does it?

The talk at work is that the family member and the judge are drinking buddies. 

I am not making this up.

i saw her face.  I saw the police report ~ the other person was not injured in any way.

It makes my heart hurt so bad.

And – speaking of heart hurt – my stepdaughter is not speaking to me.  Not speaking to me to the point that she unfriended me on facebook.

Laughing… why the hell would that hurt so much?  That’s ridiculous.

But it makes me feel like crying every time i think about it.  i raised her.  She used to say i was the parent who was there for her.  And i was.

Now she’s not frigging speaking to me ~ without giving me any clue why.  

Thank goodness, i have time with Sir tonight.  

18 Responses to “A Little Frazzled”

  1. Mick September 28, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    yikes….. hard to take all that on.

    Mick

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 4:54 am #

      @Mick,

      Yeah… your comment made me smile yesterday morning. It is a lot, isn’t?

      aisha

  2. sin September 28, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    Oh Aisha, gosh you need a hug!

    I don’t know if you track this, and you must be aware of it on some level, but your jail weeks are hard on you, hard for you. They up the ante on all the stress that’s normally there in your life.

    And you have a tough job. You are an empathetic person and the people you deal with in your job are sad and mean sometimes.

    And the step-daughter. You need to call her? That’s a q, not an direction, not something you need permission not to do, but if you really don’t know why, I think maybe you should call? As to why the hell that would hurt so much… of course it hurts.

    Another hug, I’m here if you want to talk…

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 4:58 am #

      Hey, Sin,

      Thanks for the hug, and the chat.

      Your message almost made me cry yesterday, and of course that was a good thing. Thanks for understanding.

      And you’re right, I think, about the jail thing. It does make my week extra difficult, and it’s fallen at a time that was particularly difficult anyhow. Sometimes ~ I know this probably sounds silly~ but sometimes I think I when I set foot in the jail, I soak up some of the misery that’s lingering in the walls. Sigh.

      Anyhow, yeah, my step-daughter isn’t returning my calls. But thanks, and thanks again for the chat yesterday ~ and the hugs.

      aisha

  3. angel September 28, 2011 at 8:04 am #

    i’ve been intimately aquainted with a system which is supposed to protect and teach and instead has to make hard calls which hurt those you took an oath for.

    And i’ve been intimately aquainted enough with the “justice system” to know that, really, its often unjust in the extreme.

    The problem is that its all a system and systems are not set up all that well to be, well, human.

    Each choice you must make wears you down.
    Each policy that is unjust that you have to enforce exhausts.

    Your child? (Long Sigh). i know, chronologically, she is an adult.
    But you raised her and she will always be your child.

    She will come around in time.
    Sometimes, its easier for people to blame the safest person,
    the one that they can always come home to.

    They should tell us that before we let our hearts open wide…but it wouldn’t have stopped you anyhow.

    aisha, you are smart, kind, wise, and loving.
    You make a difference to the people you reach out to.
    That is more than anyone could ever ask of any human being.

    i hope you get what you need from your Sir.
    But more than that, i hope you give yourself permission to
    release the burdens not yours to carry around.

    Its been awhile since the amazing analyst.
    He tends to know what to say to help and it might be a good idea now when things are prob feeling pretty damn polarized.

    i know you wouldn’t want to be mothered but damn if i don’t wish i could wrap you in a hug some days.

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 5:13 am #

      Dear Angel,

      Your comment, following Sin’s, did make me cry a little, and I kind of needed that, so thanks.

      You’re right, of course, absolutely right about the “systems” ~ they aren’t very human, and they often grind us up and spit us out without even noticing.

      Sigh.

      But you really describe how it feels. The exhaustion sometimes.

      As for my child, yeah. She’s on her own path, I did what I could to set her there, now it’s up to her.

      Yeah. I know that.

      And thanks for the kind words. Sometimes it’s hard to feel that I’m making a difference – I may kind of know in my head, but not feel it. I like the idea of giving myself permission to not carry burdens that aren’t mine. And again, really I know I need to to do that… I just get stuck sometimes.

      I have seen JM the amazing analyst lately, we were just talking about other stuff.

      Ok this comment is turning into a book – thanks for the hug, I will take all of them you send.

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. Striving for Peace September 28, 2011 at 8:26 am #

    Aww Sis.

    I’m so sorry that it’s beating you up.

    I’m here for you if you want to talk.

    breathe — and remember that you cannot solve it all.

    sfp

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 5:14 am #

      Thanks, Sfp,

      I sooo appreciate that, knowing you’re there does help.

      We should talk soon anyhow…

      and yeah, good advice on the breathing. I forget that sometimes!

      aisha

  5. vanillamom September 28, 2011 at 9:37 am #

    oh, how hurtful of her….i feel the intense pain of this…and the not knowing why is horrid. My heart goes out to you, dear heartsister…

    as to the pressure of work and that stress…you have to let it go. I know, easy for me to say, right? Can you make a pact with yourself that when you step inside your home, work is done and over?

    maybe something visual on your front door…a small “stop” sign (not an actual one) that reminds you to leave your suitcase of workstuff on the front stoop?

    a week from now we’ll be at the airport…

    nilla

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 5:16 am #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      Thanks, I appreciate the kind words and support.

      And yeah, I know I have to let the work stuff go. Really, I thought I was doing that! But apparently I was just bottling it up instead. Just needed to take a minute (or a day) to recognize that the pain of it is there.

      Something visual is not a bad idea… I’ll have to think about that.

      And yep, less than a week now!! Wooohooo!

      aisha

  6. perfectlips September 28, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    Very grim post.

    But this bit …

    > my stepdaughter is not speaking to me. Not speaking to me to the point
    > that she unfriended me on facebook.

    … was hilarious. You should syndicate it.

    Hope things brighten up for you soon.

    PL

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 5:22 am #

      Dear PL,

      I’m not sure what you mean by that bit being hilarious either, unless the fact that it involved facebook got you. I realized after I read your comment that it does sound kind of tacky and overly dramatic. And maybe you’re just amused at the idea of anyone taking something that happens on facebook seriously.

      In any case, I’m going to assume you were being sarcastic, since that’s often your style, rather than think that you actually think it’s funny that my stepdaughter is rather publicly and dramatically rejecting me.

      Thanks for the good wishes at the end.

      aisha

      • perfectlips September 29, 2011 at 8:49 am #

        Dear Aisha

        I’m sorry if I sounded heartless.

        > … maybe you’re just amused at the idea of anyone
        > taking something that happens on facebook seriously.

        Yes. Everybody I know who uses facebook uses it as a marketing or advertising medium. I don’t do much with fb myself, but it’s always about extracting information. In association with the word “facebook” I’m used to hearing phrases like “monetise the user” or “monetise the social graph”. I’m not used to hearing about what it’s like from the other side.

        My response wasn’t sarcastic. I suppose it was a guffaw of shock and disbelief. I know a lot of people do other things on fb while they’re gobbling down the adverts and hemorrhaging information, but, … well I suppose I just think that these people are more done to than doing. I’m afraid I categorise fb activities like (un)liking and (un)friending as kinds of consumption.

        I do hope you get to the bottom of what’s happening with your step-daughter, or that it passes.

        PL

      • aisha September 29, 2011 at 9:04 pm #

        @PL,

        It’s ok; I knew you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but thanks for apologizing.

        So, just fyi, yes other people do lots of things on fb. {Adverts? There are ads that people look at? And you can make money from it?}

        For me, it’s a nice way to stay in touch with some people who I’d lose contact with otherwise, and to be in closer touch with some people than I would otherwise. And it’s great if you’re dating – you can tell a lot about somebody from their fb page.

        Thanks for the good wishes for me and my stepdaughter, PL, I appreciate it!

        aisha

  7. vanillamom September 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

    pl…what??

    why was that funny?

    not understanding your view of this, but seriously, from the rest of the post, it is pretty clear that aisha is not being humorous, but sharing her pain her.

    grow up a bit dear, and be kinder than to dance on someones hurt.

    nilla

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 5:22 am #

      @’Nilla,

      Smiling… thanks for the defense, heart sister…

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. Faithful September 28, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    aisha- just thinking of you and hope your day was better than your morning and yesterday . I know tonight with Sir X will be awesome- so hopefully you can focus on that!

    ~hugs~

    ~faithful

    • aisha September 29, 2011 at 5:23 am #

      @Faithful,

      Thanks so much, it was awesome,and I’m much better!

      smiling…

      hugs,

      aisha

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