Sadness

28 Oct

Today, i went to court.  i sat in the hallway for about 4 hours, but then i testified. 

And someone is losing her kids permanently, forever.  My testimony helped make that happen.

It needed to happen.  She can’t give them a home where they’ll be safe.  i tried to help her learn how to do that, but she can’t.  Or won’t, or whatever.

i want to curl up in a ball and rock and cry.

i know it’s not my fault i did everything i know how to do, everything i knew how to do.  i couldn’t make it end differently, and there was a time i thought we could, i thought she was going to pull it off and learn to do what she needed to do ~ 

~~ but not.

It didn’t happen, isn’t going to happen.

It’s done.

It can’t be fixed.

She just watched me, never changed expression,as i testified.

And i know, i know, i know i did the right thing, the only thing i could do, i just told the truth, the only truth i knew, that’s all i could do.

It’s just sad, it just is.  And it hurts – and it ought to.  If i could go to court and tell it the way it was and know that her kids will be gone from her forever, if i could do that and go home and be fine, just another day ~ well, wouldn’t that be weird??

So i mourn.

i just mourn.  For her and her kids and for a system that works and doesn’t work and ~~

i mourn.
 

22 Responses to “Sadness”

  1. Faithful October 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm #

    Even when you know it is the right thing to do, it doesn’t mean that it is easy. Her children are blessed to have someone as strong as you on their side. It might not seem that way to you today, but you have got to know you did the RIGHT THING and that her children will be safe and hopefully happier one day- no matter how hard it might be tonight.

    We only get one shot at this life (as far as I know) and each day is as important as the next…. She had a choice and obviously made that choice- one that did NOT include her children.

    You did the RIGHT THING!!

    ~Hugs~

    ~faithful

    • aisha October 29, 2011 at 5:10 am #

      Thanks for the support Faithful, I appreciate it, aisha

  2. lil October 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm #

    If doing the right thing was easy, there would be no wrong in the world.
    But it’s not easy doing what’s right.
    We do the best we can, mourn our losses, and celebrate the wins.

    The fact that you care enough to mourn means that you have done your best for the children. And that’s what really matters.

    And there’s always hope that you can get through to the next mother.

    Hugs.

    • aisha October 29, 2011 at 5:11 am #

      Thanks, Lil, I appreciate the thoughts, and the kind words. aisha

  3. Striving for Peace October 28, 2011 at 9:59 pm #

    As I go through this process on the other side — I’m still glad that there are people who do everything they can to make reunification of families possible.

    That’s what you’re working towards.

    But my darling — you cannot do it on your own

    and it’s good that your mourn

    someone needs to mourn this loss

    her children will mourn the loss
    even if they get a new family
    it will always be hard for them that their mom
    couldn’t make it happen

    but you, my friend.
    you did what you could for her

    until it was time to do what you needed to do for the children

    hugs sis
    hugs.

    sfp

    • aisha October 29, 2011 at 5:13 am #

      Dear Sfp,

      i know, i know, i know… Thanks for reminding me though. Her kids are still young, hopefully this will help them move on.

      Thanks for the reminder.

      aisha

  4. Sky October 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm #

    Aisha – even though it was and is hard for you, you did the right thing. You told the truth and the ultimate decision was the judges. The mother also made a decision to put herself (her wants/needs) first before her children.

    Those children are blessed to have someone who cares so much.

    Sending you a hug.

    Take good care. Sky

    • aisha October 29, 2011 at 5:14 am #

      @Sky,

      Yes, you’re right, i know you’re right. Thanks for the kind words, and the hug.

      aisha

  5. sin October 28, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    I’m sad for you, and curious about the story. Could you tell any of it without being too indiscrete?
    -sin

    • aisha October 29, 2011 at 5:24 am #

      Thanks, Sin – You know, it was a combination of things – initially, a lot of denial that her younger child had been abused, apparently not by her, but denial that she needed to change anything to make sure it didn’t happen again, then there were issues with pain pills – for actual pain, but a developing addiction,, and then there was the relationship with someone she was madly in love with ~ that became abusive, and when he was sorry afterwards, her decision to pretend to leave him but really continue the relationship without holding him accountable for changing anything… a decision rooted in her own childhood abuse, which she also hadn’t dealt with, and she wasn’t very bright anyhow, and the pain pills helped her stay numbed out…

      Whew, there’s a lot of info and it could describe a bunch of people so i’m not violating any confidentiality. But she would have had to make some really hard choices to do things differently, and keep making those choices over and over, and she just couldn’t do it. And really, that’s an awful lot for anyone to have to try to change.

      aisha

  6. MissNaida October 29, 2011 at 1:46 am #

    Women are not born mothers, they have to work at it. As sad as it is that this particular mother cannot have her kids, there will be someone that knows how to care for them because someone (you) gave them that chance. Thank you for doing that, even if it seems sad. xo

    • aisha October 29, 2011 at 5:24 am #

      @Naida,

      Yes. Good point. That we aren’t born mothers. Thanks,

      aisha

  7. vanillamom October 29, 2011 at 8:05 am #

    oh, heartsister, mourning is appropriate for all the reasons you say…

    i live on the otherside of this system…and you know, smart, professional woman, that you reached and tried…

    i’ll only say here, that the damage takes years to undo.

    the kids who live with me have come through the dark to the other side and are whole, interesting, capable people now. The others?Likely not so much.

    it is, on all sides, a true loss. Yet you’ve given them, the kids, a chance. My kids bio mom took years, but has perhaps started again, down a healthier road. Only time will tell on that one. We can only pray that this will be that wake up call for that mother. i pray for her wholeness.

    and yours.

    i hug you for the courage it took to get up there and do what needed to be done.

    nilla

    • aisha October 30, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

      Thank you, ‘Nilla, for the understanding and for reminding me of the other side.

      Yeah, I have some idea of how slow a process the healing can be… and your kids are super lucky to have you in their lives!

      Your prayers for my client are greatly appreciated..

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. angel October 29, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    i just saw this post. Sweet Love, you did the right thing. You are a wonderful, competent, fighter and but you can’t fight the demons of that mother’s child abuse alone. A sad fact of abuse is how it lingers through generations.

    What you did was plant seeds inside that mom that may grow one day, when she is ready. For what its worth, that could save any future children she has in her life. It could save her inner child. You cannot make her ready. And you cannot fight against the weight of all of that trauma without her willingness.

    I know that you know all of this inside of your head. Its your heart that needs to hear it.

    Let me say that if you had been able to testify for the sake of my boy’s, i would have fallen to my knees in gratitude for them to have just one shot at a future.

    Someone will, i pray, love her children and have the skills needed to feel *that* kind of gratitude for your actions.

    Know i’m holding you in the light…..
    Always,
    j

    • aisha October 30, 2011 at 6:33 pm #

      @J,

      Thanks for the blessing… i appreciate that so much.

      I did know ~ i really did ~ most of the stuff you said, but ~laughing ~ you’re absolutely right, while my head knows, my heart struggles to get it.

      You’re going to be a fantabulous therapist.

      And i keep your boys in my prayers…

      aisha

  9. heather1 (@heather1one) October 29, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

    It sounds like you did everything you could to help her keep her children but she didn’t want to do anything herself to keep them. They will be safer with others. I don’t know how to do what you do but thank you for doing it. It’s people like you who save the little ones that can’t speak for themselves. It is always a sad day when a child is taken from the parents but sometimes it is for the best.

    Sending hugs and warm wishes.
    heather1.

    • aisha October 30, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      @Heather,

      Yes, i know, you’re right. No doubt about it. And i really appreciate you taking the time to comment, that’s very kind of you…

      And thank for the hugs and good wishes! Hugs back to you…

      aisha

  10. Jazmine October 29, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    Hugs

    • aisha October 30, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      Thank you, Jazmine! 🙂

  11. Ashly October 30, 2011 at 4:30 am #

    Do not be sad with your self! You should be happy a child has a better chance in life. In my view it takes too long for kids to be taken out of unsafe environments. My wife and my self are foster parents of 1boy and 2 girls how were abused. Now we have picked up the pieces and they are doing fine, but the scares of there abuse the poor buggers have got to live with it. You done the right thing be proud you saved a child.A big thanks from us for standing up!!

    • aisha October 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm #

      @Ashly,

      i’m so glad there are people like you who are willing to step up to the plate and take care of children whose parents have not. That’s a powerful gift you give the world.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment too. Your words and your thanks are greatly appreciated.

      aisha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: