3 Nov

Greengirl did a beautiful post over at What i Wonder – here.  It made me think, as she so often does.  

i commented ~ Sir J came back over here and commented on my comment ~ and i realized i had more to say.  Not unusual for me, right?

But it occurred to me that in Gg’s post, everywhere she’s written “be submissive to” or “submit to,” we could substitute “love” and it would totally work.

This may not be the first time i’ve had this particular revelation, but it’s still a powerful one.  

i think that it’s not true for everyone.  Sir J says that “I suppose it also possible for a D/s relationship to flourish out of love but I personally have never see it.”

i think he’s right, but i think some people really are just in it for the kink, that it’s not about love in quite the same way.  But maybe it is in some kind of way that i can’t see.  i don’t know.

i know that Greengirl’s post touched me deeply.

Sir J says:  “I believe Dominance and submission are a context in which one (or two I guess more accurately) frame the action of love”.

In my experience, it really does take two that frame it that way.  In my vanilla relationships, for a long time, i would try to be submissive (without the words or the structure for it) and it didn’t work well.  i think my partner has to be willing to be Dominant.  

“Dominant” to me is (at least) willing to take responsibility, willing to be leaned on and looked up to.  Willing to earn my trust and respect.  And into spanking, or some kind of control ~ that’s really a huge part of it for me.

i used to give trust and respect first and hope for the best, let them dis-earn it.  With the D/s framework, i’m learning to do it the other way around, at least i hope i am.

But it is all about love, isn’t it?  D/s isn’t the only way to love, but it’s the one i want.  And i wonder if  i could do that ~ go back through my posts and substitute “love” for submission…


Sir has made me a new collar, and asked for my measurements ~ no, not chest, waist, hips ~ neck, wrists, ankles!  i still have no idea what He has planned for today.

Can’t wait to find out.


14 Responses to “Love??”

  1. greengirl November 3, 2011 at 6:41 am #

    Thank you. The good parts were his, not mine. I love that you’ve taken this a few steps further (and Sir J too). It is hard for me to see – re-reading what i wrote, how that is different from just submitting in a vacuum, because you’re right – it does take two. But then you answered my question:“Dominant” to me is (at least) willing to take responsibility, willing to be leaned on and looked up to. Willing to earn my trust and respect.” He doesn’t have to call it anything special, he has done all this, all along. I just had to learn to lean and look up to.

    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm #


      I’m glad you liked where I took your thoughts.. and love that it helps you feel more clear about your relationship.

      Thank you.


  2. Sam November 3, 2011 at 6:54 am #

    we hope there will be pictures.

    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:26 pm #


      Of the new collar or my ass with stripes?


      i’ll get pictures of the collar when i wear it to the munch Saturday. It’s very simple, and beautiful.


  3. K November 3, 2011 at 7:01 am #


    I like you all’s thoughts on the topic..there are many ways to express love, and for me too, D/s seems to be the way that I like best. It fits, satisfies and leaves me wanting more. I express love in non D/s ways all the time, with coworkers, family, friends, and that is very meaningful as well. Nonetheless, for the sexual/intimacy/partner/relationship ..D/

    K from herspirithis formerly;)

    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:28 pm #


      Hey – good to hear from you!

      Yes, I know what you mean about expressing love in non D/s ways – absolutely. But that is different.

      Thanks for stopping by.


  4. sin November 3, 2011 at 7:28 am #

    you say “i used to give trust and respect first and hope for the best, let them dis-earn it. With the D/s framework, i’m learning to do it the other way around.” Really? I don’t see much difference in what you are doing, except maybe you’ve chosen a better (read more appropriate) man this time?

    And the love thing… there’s definitely something to think about there. Thanks

    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:33 pm #

      Dear Sin,

      Omg, i must have read this 5 times and just burst out laughing every time.

      You’re right – I do still do that, don’t I?? Sheesh. Maybe I’m more cautious inside my head?

      No, that’s not it. Oooo – Oooo – i know what it is!

      For most of my life, I didn’t really believe there were men one could look up to, respect, and lean on.

      I know, that sounds awful, but it’s true. And now, I think there really are. So it is different inside my head.

      Glad I gave you something to think about anyhow…


  5. Conina November 3, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

    For me the love comes first. Without the love I can’t even think of beginning to submit. I had a previous relationship (yeah, just the one) but I didn’t feel the love from him he claimed to have in return. So, while we were intimate, I never offered him submission (he was vanilla, I was already aware of my submissiveness).

    I even wish now that I’d never gone to the sex place with him at all. It’s frightening to think of submitting to someone I’m not 100% about their equal devotion to me.

    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:45 pm #


      I think I understand what you’re saying ~ that you don’t want submission to be just part of kink, or to submit to someone who doesn’t care about or love you. That makes sense.

      That is a safer place to be – this idea that “I’m sure He loves me, so I can submit to Him.”

      I think my life is in a different place than yours, and so of course we see it differently. You’ve given me more to think about… thank you.


  6. Faithful November 3, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    I agree and Master and I had the love first before the submission so I don’t think I could do one without the other. No.. wait.. I am certain.. I wouldn’t be able. For me the “kink” is the added bonus..

    And I agree with Sam. We are hoping for pictures.

    smiling back


    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:46 pm #


      So for you, love and submission are two different, separate things? How do you define love? And how do you define submission?

      Just curious…

      Pictures to come, no doubt!



  7. Giggling Bunny November 3, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    Great observation about submissive substituted with love. I like to think that way too but it’s probably true that it’s not always the case when people are purely in it for the kink.

    But definitely what I want involves not just kink but love. Someday anyway…

    So I had a bit of a haitus and I missed a few posts…which Sir are you calling Sir nowadays ?? hehehe

    • aisha November 3, 2011 at 9:53 pm #


      Omg, laughing… “which Sir are you calling Sir nowadays ?


      That would be Sir X, and He’s been around since the beginning of August, so don’t be all snarky, Missy!


      And i’m having a lovely time with Him.

      Good to see you back.


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