Winter Wickedness!

4 Nov

i had asked Sir X if He wanted to go to Winter Wickedness a week or two ago, not expecting a response then.  But a couple of days ago, i got the notice that early bird tickets for COPE volunteers were going on sale.  So i asked about it again, in an email, and waited patiently.

Yesterday was the day to buy tickets, and i was intentionally not asking again.  He brought it up right away though and said ~~

He wanted to go!!!  

YAY!!!!

It’s in Columbus, Ohio, so any of my blogging friends who live close to there – tickets go on sale at midnight tonight!  They sell out in a few days, so get your ticket now!

http://www.adventuresinsexuality.org/WICKED2012_portal.html

Ok.  That’s the end of the advertisement.  

The collar He made me is really simple, and it’s beautiful.  It will be less conspicuous than the other collars i’ve worn that He made, and i love it.

Understand, i am not collared, it is a collar of consideration.  We are both considering.

i’m still contemplating the love/submission interface that Greengirl led me to recognize.  

i no longer think of “love” as being something i feel so much as something i do.  i don’t know if that will make sense to anyone, but there it is.

i came to that backwards, i guess, and it took me a while.  

Trying to reconcile the power of hearing the words “I love you” with receiving selfish and unloving actions kept me baffled for a long time.  

I struggled.

Is he doing the best he can do?  No one’s perfect.   Am i expecting too much?  Does he not really love me?   But he acted like he did…  Has he stopped loving me?

If i love him enough, will he love me again?

i wrestled with those questions.  

But i don’t so much anymore.  {No, really, Sin… laughing…i don’t usually, or for long.}

That was all focused on trying to figure out what HE felt and reconcile it to how HE acted.  i don’t have to do that.

Words are nice.  Actions matter.  

i can accept his words as sincere ~ he may really believe i’m the best thing since sliced bread, he may love me wholeheartedly.  BUT ~~

~~ if his actions aren’t loving, the words are empty, and it doesn’t matter if he “means them”or not.  If he can’t live them, it doesn’t matter.

AND it is the same for me.  

If i feel all kinds of warm, fuzzy passion, then i need to act with love.  In fact, i’m pretty sure the goal is to act with love all the time.

In a sexual relationship, for me, that means submission.  

If he’s looking for something different, a Domme, a vanilla relationship, or a different flavor submission, then it won’t matter how much i “care,” he needs to keep looking.  But my part of the equation needs to be love, not for him, but because that’s who i want to be.  

i might be a little jealous of youall who have found your one true love.   There’ve been times i’ve thought that too.  

That hasn’t turned out to be my path.

Thank goodness, i’m no longer looking for someone to father and help raise my children.  Having accomplished my job in keeping the universe going for one more generation, i’m free to look for the relationship that nurtures my own growth.   The relationship that allows me to develop who i am.


14 Responses to “Winter Wickedness!”

  1. angel November 4, 2011 at 8:17 am #

    I have found three things to be true in life.
    1. Love is not enough if that is all you have.
    2. There are a lot of ways to love, some of them are sick.
    3. Love should be a healing art.

    i know that your kids are adults but they will benefit from seeing you happy in love still.

    i’m glad you are finding your own path to love, your own reasons for loving back, and your own truth.
    Powerful stuff. Love is a verb, really.
    If the ways i show you my love don’t feel loving to you…then it doesn’t count for much, does it?

    • aisha November 4, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

      Dear (Baby) Jade,

      Exactly, exactly, exactly!!!

      So nice that you get what i’m saying – whether i’m right or not can be up for question, but I love that you get it.

      And yes, it will be good for my kids to know there’s still room for relationship. I totally agree. But I don’t have to pick a father for them – they already have one – so that’s kinda cool.

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. vanillamom November 4, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    a ton of meat here…

    i’ll come back to it after i ponder and reread.

    and aisha?

    a truly magnificient post.

    • aisha November 4, 2011 at 7:31 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      i’m glad you thought it had substance. Thank you.

      aisha

  3. PL November 4, 2011 at 10:33 am #

    “i no longer think of “love” as being something i feel so much as something i do. i don’t know if that will make sense to anyone, but there it is.”

    Yes I agree. Love has to be active.

    I’ve never liked the way the English word is vague over /amor/ and /caritas/. I think they are completely different animals.

    • aisha November 4, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

      @PL, Right! And isn’t it interesting that in English we only have one work for “love,” really? Very limiting. Yes, amor and caritas are different, and sometimes we fail to recognize that.

      Thanks!!

      aisha

  4. Sky November 4, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

    Love is a verb. People can mouth the words “I love you” but if their actions don’t reflect those words then they don’t mean much.

    People show love in many different ways, and feel love differently too.

    For ne, I don’t think I could do D/s without at least some very deep feelings of tenderness and a loving connection.

    I think it’s great that Sir X is going to COPE with you! It will be a totally different experience sharing it with Him. 🙂

    Take care. Sky

    • aisha November 4, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

      Dear Sky,

      Yep, I’m really excited about Sir going to Winter Wickedness too! {It’s done by the same folks as COPE ~ I’m hoping there will be a Sacrlet Sanctuary. I know Sir X would love that!}

      And for sure D/s elicits feelings of tenderness and a strong sense of connection!

      Thanks!

      aisha

  5. Faithful November 4, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    “We are both considering” How wonderful it is that you understand your choice in choosing him as well. That just made me smile so very much.

    And I am all about actions- words are wonderful and necessary as well but without the actions- meaningless!! (at least to me)

    Great Post – still waiting for pictures and details on your night with Sir.

    ~faithful

  6. smilingsoul November 4, 2011 at 10:56 pm #

    I have gained so much in reading both your and Green Girl;s blogs since I have submitted to my husband 7 months ago. In our case, we were doing a form of a power exchange relationship since we met 22 years ago without the knowledge of the BDSM community. We had just learned about TPE relationships and our local Fetish community about 7 months ago just after we experiencing a major change in our marriage.

    So as I read the discoveries you and Green Girl have experienced in your journeys, I keep looking back on a 22 year relationship realizing the reasons why I have been doing and acting as I did within our relationship. For this entry, there were times I would wonder why my husband doesn’t “get” that I love him when I do a lot for him. Doesn’t he see that what I do is the expression of my love for him? Making breakfast for him, getting his things ready before we went out, and so many more “little” things. All the things I did to make his life easier without being asked GG’s latest entry was a big epiphany for me, too. I come to realize that no he doesn’t have to “get” I love and submit to him when I anticipate his needs or do the countless little things I do everyday.for him. It is my nature to do them because I am a submissive. Suddenly it makes perfect sense to do all that I do without recognition. I have never felt so complete as a person since we started a TPE relationship. And I thank you for helping me along my journey.

    • aisha November 5, 2011 at 5:02 am #

      Dear Smiling Soul,

      I’m so glad it’s been helpful for you. I hope your husband/Dom is growing with you in understanding and appreciation of your love for him!

      Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to comment.

      aisha

  7. greengirl November 5, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    Aisha,
    I’m behind – damn real life interfering – if only i could just think all day and the doing wouldn’t get in the way. I love that you’ve seen to the core of this topic and started such a great conversation. I believe that i wouldn’t have been open to submitting to my husband early on in our relationship – i wouldn’t have been confident enough in myself or trusting enough of him. For us – it could only have happened this way – and as an expression of our love – different for each of us – but related. I have to believe that, for people who are confident in themselves already – it could go the other way – but i also think it would be hard to submit, or Dominate, with much depth and not end up at love.

    • aisha November 5, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

      @Gg,

      Yes! I totally agree… I think if you do it, you are acting with love and the love comes. Got a post coming soon about this – if my computer ever lets me back onto wordpress. I dont’ know what the problem is but it’s making me crazy.

      The only reason I can answer this comment is because I can do it through email. I con’t get on my blog at all. Can’t get on other people’s wordpress blogs. Can get on blogspot blogs, but not as aisha because it won’t let me sign in because… ARGH!!

      i think it’s a message from the universe that i need to go spend some time on real life, so ok, enough already, i’m going.

      But thanks Gg, for starting my thoughts down this path, and for your comment!!!

      aisha

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