What Kind of Submission?

12 Nov

Tonight, Sir and i are supposed to see each other.  It’s Saturday, that’s our night together.  

We didn’t get to see each other during the week.  He had some family stuff Tuesday, and a grueling work schedule.  Thursday was out.

i was ok with that.  He’s been in touch all week and everything is ok between us.

His week has not gotten easier since Thursday ~ and He’s working another ten hour shift today, after some more family stuff to deal with last night.  And {being the selfish hag that i sometimes am} i’ve been worried that He’ll be too tired to get together tonight.

After some thought, and a little fussing at myself, i managed to accept the idea that if He’s too tired, i’ll be ok with that.   After all, stuff happens.  Not everything is about me.

But then i want to email Him and tell Him.  

i want to say, “i know you might be too tired to do anything tonight, and that’s ok, but you know, i could bring you some dinner or something, and we don’t have to do anything, we could just watch a movie or something, or just have dinner.  Or if you wanna come here, i could cook…”  

And then i realize ~ really, that’s mostly just that i want to know NOW if He’s going to be too tired, and i want Him to not be too tired and i want ~~

~~ to have some control here.

Yeah.

Funny, isn’t it?  ‘Cause at first i felt like i was being helpful.

But i don’t think so.  Not really.  i was trying to ease my own anxiety.  Trying to get my own way.

So i didn’t email Him.  i let it go.  i promised myself to be ok with whatever happened.

i don’t think He would minded if i emailed Him and said all that.  i don’t think He’d be annoyed even.

But i think it’s unnecessary.  He’s quite capable of figuring out what He needs or doesn’t need tonight and letting me know.  i don’t need to be in control of it.

i just need to trust Him.

Once i decided that, i relaxed.

It’s easy to be submissive when it means getting naked and obeying kinky orders.  And it’s often easy for me to follow direct orders ~ no, really, usually it is.  But letting go of control like this??

Whew.

That’s a whole new experience.

****************************************

Ten minutes after i let it go, i got an email from Him.  

He’s looking forward to seeing me tonight ~ instructions to follow.

Woohoo!!

The universe is smiling on me…

12 Responses to “What Kind of Submission?”

  1. Sky November 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    Aisha – I don’t see it as control if you emailed him expressing that you’d like to see him even without Ds play. I think it’s important to express your feelings, to let him know you’d still like to see him. Maybe not “make plans is dinner etc” but tell you were looking forward to seeing him. He might feel flattered not “smothered” (I mean that in a nice way)

    I’m glad you ARE getting together tonight :). For kinky time or quiet time or both. Enjoy your time together.

    Take care. Sky

    • aisha November 12, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

      Dear Sky,

      Thank you for the thought – and of course you’re right, if it had really been about sharing my thoughts, reassuring Him that i didn’t have big expectations, that would have been fine.

      It wasn’t.

      It was about wanting reassurance that we were going out and trying to bargain with him if He was too tired. Nothing WRONG with that, but um, not exactly submissive.

      But thanks! 🙂

      aisha

  2. littlemonkey November 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

    I had a moment reading this, aisha, on of those “omgosh, that’s me” moments. I am “helpful” that way. Wow.

    I’m going to have to think about this.

    • aisha November 12, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

      @LM,

      For what it’s worth, mine comes (in part) from being with men who couldn’t be relied on. Learned to manipulate rather than nag.

      Nothing wrong with it if it needs to be done, i think, but not with my Sir, you know?

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. Faithful November 12, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

    Hope your night with Sir X is wonderful (I am sure it is!!! 🙂

    I am so glad you decided to NOT email him and see how you were rewarded?

    I have been with Master almost 2 years.. NEVER once have I called him and it is very rare that I email or text him first.

    My mother always taught me NEVER to call a boy.. and well I guess it just stuck.

    It suits Master just fine. We have discussed it and of course I am allowed to call him, to email to text him, but he does like that I choose not to. It puts the control completely in his hands and that is exactly what he wants and more importantly what I need.

    ~faithful

    • aisha November 13, 2011 at 8:30 am #

      Dear Faithful,

      I think it’s so wonderful that you and your Master are so well matched. I have to admit, I’m a little surprised at the idea of applying “mother rules” to D/s relationships, but I can see where that works for you.

      Thanks for all the good wishes.

      aisha

  4. nancy November 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    Isn’t it interesting how the moment you let it go, he picks right up?
    Somehow I think you’ll have a wonderful time tonight.

    • aisha November 13, 2011 at 8:30 am #

      @Nancy,

      Yes ~ i felt the same way. Some kind of magic in the air, i think…

      hug,

      aisha

  5. smilingsoul November 13, 2011 at 2:12 am #

    It is good you were able to see your intent behind your desire to contact your Sir. It shows growth as a submissive, which is a very good thing.
    I don’t know if this would help, but on one of blogs written by a slave, I read something that really gave me insight on my duties as a slave to my Master/husband. I think it would apply to a submissive as well. “A slave’s life is full of waiting.” Nothing more truer in my daily life. I wait for a command. I wait until He finishes dressing to serve Him breakfast. I wait by the door when we go out. I do a lot of waiting. I use to get impatient when i had to wait, but now I see it as a duty. That relaxes and calms me when I found myself waiting.

    • aisha November 13, 2011 at 8:32 am #

      Thank you, Smilngsoul. That is helpful. Waiting and accepting, I think.

      Gosh that’s a whole blog post there.

      Thank you for sharing your experience here ~ i can feel the calm from you, and that’s lovely.

      aisha

  6. vanillamom November 14, 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    here you are light years ahead of me…my one big struggle is in not being that “helpful” wench…

    kudos..

    nilla

    • aisha November 14, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

      @’Nilla,

      I seriously doubt if I’m light years ahead of you. One step maybe.

      aisha

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