Finding the Center

19 Nov

There was some talk on a thread on fetlife today about “damaged people” and it bothered me.  They seemed to think that people who’d been abused were “damaged” and that baffled me.

i think either we’re all damaged, or none of us are.   People who live their lives in privileged seclusion, untouched by overt trauma, are “damaged” in a different way, maybe, but i won’t make judgements on whether that’s more damaged or less.

i’ve been thinking about community today.  How lucky i am to be part of so many circles of support.  

i had lunch with Ms. Constance yesterday, and was reflecting on how much i appreciate her linking me to the BDSM community here.  Well, and Sir D for doing it initially.  

But Ms. Constance is helping me establish my own roots in the community, which is a different thing.

The VBA awards ~ thinking about how they create circles that overlap, and expand, pulling more bloggers into the flow. 

My circles of womenfolk – my family, the subsisters, some of my friends…  Larger circles ~ my people at work, my volunteer friends, my church people… wave after wave, some of them overlapping….

When i think about that, i feel a sense of calm.  My mind grows still.  i breathe deeper.  

If i hold my arms out, palms up, they tingle, as if the energy is flowing into me.

Sometimes i get frazzled and overwhelmed.  More often than is comfortable, or helpful.  When i do, it may take me a bit to remember to come back to this place, this internal state.

And sometimes, it feels like i can’t get here.  Like i forget this inner calm even exists, i’m caught in that frantic world of never quite good enough, rushing around trying to get it right.

Sometimes, my Sir helps me find this space again.  It is as if He takes me out of myself, only to slip me back in place, back where i belong.  

Sometimes, i get there myself.

When my Sir gets me here, i feel very close to Him, grateful, of course, and connected.

When i get here myself, i long to connect to Him.  It is as if my spirit is searching for Him, looking to complete this most intimate circle from Him to me and me to Him. 

It’s a different kind of submission, i think, when i am in this space.  What i bring to the connection is different, maybe?

This is new territory for me ~ i don’t think i’ve shared myself quite this way before.  It will be interesting to see how that works.

My thoughts circle back around to “damaged” people.  i’m damaged, of course, if we’re going to think of people that way.  i have all kinds of scars and dents, emotional places that have been stepped on, kicked, and broken.

My goal, i think, has been to heal so that i’m “stronger in the broken places.”  There is a different kind of beauty and power in that ~ i know because i’ve seen how it works in other people.

i’ll see my Sir tonight.  i’m lucky that way too, that i get to touch Him, and be touched.  

i think we bless each other with TTWD.

10 Responses to “Finding the Center”

  1. DV November 19, 2011 at 8:05 am #

    Very well said. I’m thankful as well for everyone in this community that supports me, shows me their strength, let’s me see inside their world, and gives me inspiration and reasons to reflect on myself.

    We are all damaged in some way, based on our life experiences and what we have been through. Going through these trials and tribulations and coming out the other side is what makes us stronger. It helps us learn and see ourselves and know better who we really are. Just because someone is abused, doesn’t make them any more damaged than the rest of us. Rather than being damaged and treated as an outcast, we should bring them closer, help lead and guide them, and show them that we all have scars and wounds. Many times, it’s people like that which show us just what real strength and determination is, and help the rest of us more than we help them.


    • aisha November 20, 2011 at 7:45 am #

      Thank you, DV, you really took what I said and expanded on it beautifully. What you said is what i think too. Exactly.

      Thank you.


  2. sin November 19, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    You and DV said it very well. We are all damaged or none of us are. There are degrees of damage. Some specific injuries. And we (hopefully) adapt and emerge stronger.

    And community is huge isn’t it?

    • aisha November 20, 2011 at 7:47 am #


      Yes – the adapting is what makes us who we are after all.

      And yes. Community is huge. And I’m so lucky to have such a wealth of community around me.


  3. Charlene November 19, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

    I prefer the term character

    • aisha November 20, 2011 at 7:47 am #


      Beautifully succinct. Yes.


  4. vanillamom November 19, 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    a beautiful post, really.

    i’m glad i didn’t get to read it until tonight, when i could appreciate it, absorb it.

    funny, i do think of people as “damaged” but …. you put a new spin on it for me.

    i can tell you that my daughter (complicated relationship here so we’ll go with that one) is very much ‘damaged’ by her early life. Did she become how and who she is because that terrible beginning?

    i get so fucking angry about that, and see it as ‘damaged’…for she may never, ever be “better” or even fully functional in an adult capacity.

    and hell, you were damaged, i was damaged…do we come to D/s because of that damage? not that we are merely craving more of what we had early in life, but because it helps us come to terms with who we are?

    i’m feeling my way through this idea as i write this out…more to think about here.

    And i love love love the interlocking, overlapping circles. We exist in many spheres, don’t we…i like to think of it as widening the web of love that, maybe, will reach out and touch everyone….

    then again…i am a free lovin’ hippie woman, aren’t i?

    some will call me naive, and some a dreamer…i prefer to think of it as …hope.


    • aisha November 20, 2011 at 7:56 am #


      I love to hear you think out loud!

      “…and hell, you were damaged, i was damaged…do we come to D/s because of that damage?”

      That was part of the original question on the fetlife thread i was responding to. It’s an interesting question, maybe a blog post there, or two.

      As for your daughter, and other people who struggle to recover from the harm they’ve experienced ~ I don’t know, ‘Nilla. If she were in a wheelchair because of a car wreck, or because of early abuse, would you think of her as damaged?

      Yeah, lots of thoughts here too, around this topic.

      AND you know I feel the same way about the circles of community, and I love that. Being sort of an old hippie woman myself, I feel ya…

      Big hug,


  5. Orual November 19, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    My BF just used that word the other day after we’d had it out. Defeated, his exact phrase was, “I’m damaged goods.” I told him, “We all are.” Just like you said, that’s life (in one way or another) and those that think they’ve got it all together are delusional liars. Maybe if we’d all realize that there’d be a lot more understanding to go around, no matter with what circles you run. And my BF is the only person I’ve EVER known who understands the submissive side of me & who shares his dominance with me so gloriously.

    • aisha November 20, 2011 at 7:59 am #


      What a wonderful story – thanks for sharing it. I’m glad he has you to help him grow beyond that idea of being damaged ~ and really, being “damaged goods” is particularly painful. As if he were a dented can… That sort of reflects how we often treat people in our world though, doesn’t it?

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting!


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