Learning Submission

21 Nov

** i originally titled this post Schedules, cause that’s where i started.  It just didn’t end up there ~ and isn’t it cool how that happens?  

i’m trying to change my schedule so i exercise in the morning before i blog.  Otherwise, i get caught up in blogging ~ sometimes just checking the post excessively for the tiniest flaws ~ and don’t exercise every day like i need to.  

And i’m trying to get to work earlier in the morning ~ it’s easier to get stuff done before other people get there, and i can get off earlier in the evening.

But it’s hard to do.  i’m used to blogging first thing, but if i start, then i don’t want to stop.  And i have to drink some hot tea before i go exercise ~ i can’t jump out of bed and start exercising ~ and ~~~

~~ i don’t know. It just seems tough.  

i started a post this morning, continuing to riff off a discussion that Mr. Michael had started on fet.  If you want to see the  question, go here:

https://fetlife.com/groups/33816/group_posts/1940582

And maybe tomorrow i’ll get back to playing with the question.  But today i lost interest in what i was saying part way through and had to start over and now it’s getting late… so i’ll put that on hold and come back to it.

i get to see Sir tomorrow, so that’s exciting and something to look forward to.  There will be spankings involved.

He reprimanded me, mildly, for not having mentioned my little “going to the movies issue,” pointing out that he couldn’t have known that i “take a welp on the ass better than some Hollywood blood and gore.”  But He wouldn’t have put me through it if He’d known.

And i knew that.

But i wanted to go with Him, and i wanted to go to the movie He wanted to see.  i didn’t want to disappoint Him.  i didn’t want to be a wet blanket.

Can you hear me sort of stamping my foot and being willful there?

And, i didn’t want Him to know about this particular vulnerability.  Didn’t want to risk seeming foolish.  Didn’t want Him to think less of me.

Damn.

So He was pretty gentle about it when He mentioned it.  But i think He’s beginning to know that if He lets me stew in my own head about it, i’ll end up where i am right now.

More fully aware that i was taking control there.  Not exactly being submissive in the way that i want to be.

i didn’t want Him to know about what i saw as a weakness on my part.  Didn’t want to be open and honest.

Sigh.

He said that He needs to know my limits ~ all my limits.  And of course i think i want Him to.  But it’s not as easy as it sounds.

With the stupid movie thing ~ i needed to give Him the information He needed to make an informed decision.  And i didn’t do that. i chose to keep it to myself to get my own way, and so i didn’t “look silly.”

i told myself i was doing it not to disappoint Him.  Bullsh*t.  i was doing it for me.

Sigh.

Ok.  i’m not beating myself up over this.  No point in that.  And i don’t think He is either ~ well, {giggle} He might BEAT me, but He won’t beat me up over it.

But it amazes me, as we move deeper into this relationship, how complex D/s really is. AND ~~

~~ i confess ~~ the idea of needing to give this control to Him?  Of trusting Him with this kind of control?  

It turns me on.  Immensely.

14 Responses to “Learning Submission”

  1. ahiddenslave November 21, 2011 at 7:27 am #

    sigh…..aaaah…:)
    nice.
    im with you on the war movies and the violence…i just cant and dont want to watch. you must be excited for tomorrow. hsxx

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

      @HS,

      Thank you… i am excited!

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. Alujna November 21, 2011 at 7:29 am #

    Actually, I think it’s much easier to write out all your vulnerabilities (even to your Dom) than it is to tell them to the face.
    Hope you do tell him next time!

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

      @Alujna,

      Yes, I think you’re right – it is easier to write it. But i think i need to have the courage to say what i need to say to Him…

      Thank you for reminding me though. I do write to Him what i’m thinking sometimes, since He doesn’t read the blog.

      aisha

  3. vanillamom November 21, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    before i respond…44 more hits and you break 70K, missy! Woot!

    yes, it is certainly a complex issue. And i might agree that i’d not want to ‘wuss out’ and say..oh, i hate that kind of movie, Sir,’ coz then i might think that i was doing it to get out of it….aka…getting my way…

    but you are right…they NEED that kind of information from us…and it does make us so vulnerable…

    and it is such a turn on, placing ourselves in His hands like that…

    nilla

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      You’re right – i broke 70,000!! Woohoo!

      Yeah, what i needed to tell him was not that i hate that kind of movie – i needed to tell him that kind of movie is a form of torture for me…. cause it really is.

      sigh…

      and i’m glad you get the turn on part of this too!!!

      aisha

  4. smilingsoul November 21, 2011 at 9:40 am #

    What you are struggling with is trust. It requires trust in your Sir to feel comfortable in telling Him something that you think makes you vulnerable. Trust is a difficult thing to obtain in a relationship. D/s relationships requires compete trust and that level of trust takes time to build. The behaviors and actions of each partner prove whether trust is warranted. We are vulnerable creatures and TTWD can be very scary with the wrong person.

    Your Sir seems to understand this. It seems to me, He is willing to give you the time to learn to trust Him and, in turn, trust you, too. His ability to point out what is really going on inside your head is a gift. It is a wonderful process to realize someone is worthy of the trust you have to give to obtain a D/s dynamic that is so richly rewarding and fulfilling. I can see, in time, how you will be able to grow in submission with Him. I am very happy for you.

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 9:04 pm #

      Dear Smilingsoul,

      Yes. Everything you said – yes, you’re right.

      It is about trust, and sometimes i have to recognize that’s what it’s about before i can figure out what to do.

      And yes, it’s not like i did anything wrong, it’s just that ~ what i did was protect myself, and in the long run, that’s not what i’m going to want to do.

      i appreciate your feedback so much.

      aisha

  5. lil November 21, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    I think that letting them see our weakness is one of the most difficult, yet ultimately rewarding, things about submission. It’s what they choose to do with it that matters more than the weakness itself I think…

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

      @lil,

      Yes, of course you’re right.

      It is the openness, the transparency, that is so seductive – well, one of the things, about TTWD.

      thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      aisha

  6. perfectlips November 21, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    Do you regard your taste in movies as a “vulnerability” and a “weakness”?

    What is the rôle of the Dom? To facilitate your overcoming the “weakness” (so you can watch these films) or to help you see that your taste is not a weakness at all (so that you can tell him — or whoever else — that you don’t want to see certain things)?

    PL

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

      Dear PL,

      That’s the thing, it’s not just a “taste” in movies, what i don’t like, but it is truly – emotionally painful for me. Most of the people who know that i’m like that find it kind of – um, annoying, i think.

      You know, like they’d say, “Wanna go see… oh, no I guess that’s toooo *violent* for you.” Like – like i’m just being a big baby about it.

      Or maybe that’s what i think – that i’m just being a big baby about it.

      Yeah. i kinda do think that. i think i shouldn’t feel like that. “It’s just a movie.” “It’s not real.”

      But it’s like it is to me. So i didn’t want t have to explain it.

      And i don’t know what His role is, What He said was, “You’re so gentle-hearted, of course it upset you.” And I don’t know what He’d have done if I’d told Him first – I didn’t give Him a chance to be part of the decision.

      Kind of like – if you were going sky-diving with somebody and they didn’t mention that they were afraid of heights til they got up in the plane. See what I’m saying?

      I really appreciate the way you make me think stuff through sometimes, PL.

      aisha

  7. t1klish November 21, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    I wouldn’t consider taste in movies to be a weakness. The weakness, if there is one here, would be fear of telling your Master what you like or don’t like. For example, if you’re having a conversation about movies, discussing what you like and don’t like would be totally relaxed and comfortable. But if your Master (or anyone you’re in a relationship with), tells you, oh by the way, we’re going to go see a particular movie tonight, then it could be difficult to tell him that you don’t like that kind of movie, because you don’t want to hurt his feelings and/or reject his idea of taking you to a movie. I haven’t been to a movie in so long the last thing I would want to do is be picky if he announced he was taking me to one. A conversation about what kinds of movies you both like, before ever actually contemplating going to one together, would seem like the best way to avoid the stuck at the type of movie you don’t like situation.

    • aisha November 21, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

      @tiklish,

      Yes, of course you’re right, it’s easier to talk about stuff in a conversation up front.

      Believe me, there were earlier opportunities to say, O, btw, i have kind of an issue with movies…” i didn’t want him to know. i didn’t want to think about it i wanted it to go away.

      laughing… and of course it didn’t.

      Thanks for sharig your thoughts!

      aisha

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