Trust

22 Nov

i see Sir X today.  i’m taking off work early, He’s off work, we will have some time together.

i have no idea what to expect ~ other than spankings, and i look forward to that.

i didn’t hear from Him yesterday, and i notice how quickly my heart sinks, how little it takes to become afraid.

So i trust Him to tie me up and beat me, but not to miss a day of messages?  Funny, isn’t it?

He told me a while back to expect there to be about one day a week that i don’t hear from Him.  i don’t know how He came to that proclamation.  i just know that He said it, and so far it’s been true.

i was reminded in the comments yesterday that it takes time to build trust.  That it is the heart of D/s relationships ~ and any relationship, really.

He’s a man who thinks about his actions.  i imagine Him making sure that He follows through with that standard just as carefully as He would a promise to contact me every single day, if He had made that committment.

He is mindful.

i’ve been reading these discussion on fet lately that speculate on what our kink is about.  Is it therapy?  Is it sick?  Do we do it because there’s something wrong with us?  Because it’s healing?  

TTWD.  It’s fascinating.

It’s not therapy ~ not psychotherapy.  That kind of therapy is processing, making meaning out of TTWD, in kink and the rest of our lives.

Of course, i think all of our lives are partly directed toward healing.

It’s funny.  Today would have been my mother’s 89th birthday.

i was thinking about her yesterday, when i was talking about movies.  The first movie i remember seeing was 101 Dalmatians.  With Cruella deVille, of course.  Here’s a link to the trailer to that movie, the one i saw, back in 1961.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055254/

i was five.

i was terrified.  

My class went to the movie, and i was home sick that day.  So my mother took me after i’d recuperated.  i don’t remember if i wanted to go, or if she just thought i wanted to go.  Or if i thought i wanted to go?

But once we got there ~ i was terrified.  Cruella deVille, bigger than life on the screen. And EVIL!

That was the thing.  Here was this happy home and happy puppies and she was going to destroy that.  And the parents – the people parents – didn’t even recognize that she was EVIL and they couldn’t protect the puppies ~ and ~ and ~

it was just too terrifyingly awful.  

And i was hiding my eyes, and my poor mother kept saying, “Watch this movie!  We didn’t come down here for you to close your eyes ~ watch this movie!”

It sounds mean, to my ears now.  But my mother was not one to tolerate hiding from anything.  She had survived World War II in Italy, facing one’s fears was mandatory.

There’s a part in the book Peter Pan, which i love, where the author says something about Peter being the only child who had not quite learned that life is not fair.  Barrie says that the rest of us have that one, horrible shocked moment when we realize that life is not fair, and we are never the same again.

He says that for Peter Pan, every time he encountered unfairness, it was that same shock over again.

For me, 101 Dalmatians and Cruella deVille fully brought it home to me that the world is a cruel and frightening place. That horrible things happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

But the feelings i had at the movie the other night, 50 years later, were just about the same.  As if i am still shocked and surprised by our inhumanity to each other, as if i didn’t already see it every single day.

Weird.  That is just weird.

But at least now i know i’m not alone in this, thanks to your comments yesterday.

For most of my life, most of the people i’ve known have taken the same stance as my mother about me and movies.  A sort of “Omg, really?  It’s just a movie, I can’t believe you’re acting like that!”  Not everyone, but most people.

So the other night with Sir X was different for me, because of His reaction.  It was ~~

~~  a redemptive experience.

Yes.  That’s what we mean, i think, when we talk about BDSM being therapeutic.  That wasn’t a particularly kinky experience, but often it is.

Redemption occurs when we re-experience something that happened before – have the same feelings – but this time something’s different.  We act differently, or someone else does, in some way, the story has a different ending.

Yeah.

i think i might have more to say about this, about redemptive experiences and therapy and BDSM, but not today.  It’s enough to recognize, to fully see that going to that awful movie with Sir X was a redemptive experience.  But right now ~

~ today ~ i have to go shower and shave and prepare to be spanked…

Smiling…

14 Responses to “Trust”

  1. Striving for Peace November 22, 2011 at 6:55 am #

    much much much to think about

    I’ll be back to read this again and again

    sfp

    • aisha November 22, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      Thanks, Sfp ~ i love the idea of giving you food for thought.

      many hugs,

      aisha

  2. Mick November 22, 2011 at 7:03 am #

    I took my 13 yr old daughter to see Schindler’s List years ago…. she got pretty upset at one point, but I thought it was important for her to see… so was that a mistake?

    Mick

    • aisha November 22, 2011 at 7:39 am #

      @Mick,

      Did you tell her it was just a movie and there wasn’t any reason to get upset? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m not against recognizing evil in the world and being upset by it. I would imagine you talked about it afterwards, and helped her process that painful experience.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. Alujna November 22, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    “Redemption occurs when we re-experience something that happened before – have the same feelings – but this time something’s different. We act differently, or someone else does, in some way, the story has a different ending.”

    I love the way you explain redemption. And unless something in the story changes, the ending is going to be the same every single time.

    Enjoy your time with Sir X. He sounds like a good dom 🙂

    • aisha November 22, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

      Thank you Alujna ~ for the kind words, and the comment. Yeah, you’re right, a lot of us spend time looking for redemption where it can’t be found. And then blaming ourselves…

      Thanks – He’s a terrific Dom. 🙂 IMO.

      aisha

  4. sin November 22, 2011 at 7:34 am #

    About trust – this is so interesting isn’t it? Do you think Sir X doesn’t contact you for a day a week as a matter of proclamation, convenience or necessity? I get that it doesn’t really matter, and that he wants you to just deal with it, and it’s not a huge thing to deal with. But I’m curious (nosy!).

    About the movies – I have lots to say here, lots of half formed thoughts. Sorry, I think I’m writing my own blog post in your comments. I am astounded (and pretty judgmental I admit) at the kinds of things people will pay money to see. Blood, guts, gore, tragedy. So I don’t want to go.

    But even with things where I don’t mind the subject matter, I still don’t really want to go. It’s just not a genre that really appeals to me. I’ve never been to a movie by myself. It would never occur to me to go.

    It occurs to me that if you resist movies, something people think of as social, then they may think you are trying to manipulate them and somehow spoil their fun. Don’t get me started about people who think that watching tv is social. It is NOT.

    By going to the movie with him when you felt strongly about it, you put yourself in his hands, wanting to please him, and wanting to be open to the experience with him. You wanted it to be different with him. The watching wasn’t but his reaction to your reaction was. He may take you to another movie, even the same kind of movie, but he’ll know that to expect next time.
    -sin

    • aisha November 22, 2011 at 6:48 pm #

      @Sin,

      Laughing… it is interesting,isn’t it? I have no idea why He said it that way, or why it’s worked out that way. I don’t think it’s necessity, because it’s not the same day every week or anything. My fantasy ~ what i somehow imagine ~ is that six days a week He makes sure that He’s in contact with me, and one day a week, if He’s busy, has a lot going on, He just doesn’t worry about it. That sounds weird doesn’t it? And that’s just what i imagine.

      I share your feelings about movies in general – but you know, i’m often appalled by our culture in general. Not to sound – snobby, but in some ways i am.

      And you’re right. Going to the movies is a social thing to do ~ and it’s a good thing to do, I think. You can go to the movies with someone and it’s a shared experience, something you can reference and know what you’re talking about. But watching TV together really isn’t.

      I quit watching TV when my first husband and I moved to a house where we put the TV in the family room in the basement. He would go watch TV ~ and i wouldn’t. He’d rent movies to watch ~ and i wouldn’t. He was forever coming home with some “Terminator” movie and trying to tell me it wasn’t violent. But anyhow.

      Yes. I did want to be open to the experience, and I did want to please Him. Sigh. Yep, next time He’ll know what to expect! laughing… I’m not sorry i went.

      aisha

  5. Michelle November 22, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    Is TTWD therapy? I don’t know, It certainly seems therapuetic to so many of us. Especially from the submissive side. We get off kilter, off center, if we aren’t controlled, used often or well enough. And I’ve read many of us who talk about being sentered, more calm once we are spanked, or used or whatever. And I know personally I feel so much stronger in other relationshops when I have one in which I’m giving up control. More secure in myself.

    Lot’s to think about, thanks Aisha.

    • aisha November 22, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

      @Michelle,

      Good points! Yes, I think it’s therapeutic in that way too, so yeah.

      Thanks for commenting!!

      aisha

  6. Sky November 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    Your posts often give me south to think about. Thank you, Aisha.

    I have nothing “smart or wise” to say. Just that I will read and reread your post 🙂

    Enjoy your time with Sir X.

    • aisha November 22, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

      Thank you, Sky – nice to think there’s something worth pondering here. That’s a lovely thing to say.

      Smiling… i did…

      aisha

  7. vanillamom November 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    i missed a post! How’d i do that??? OH, wifey/vacation…totally fucked up my reading schedule.

    Sorry for the late response, but wow, what a great post. I love your mind.

    i love that you are building a redemptive and trusting relationship with Sir X and it’s okay that it is happening slowly…if it happened quickly, you’d doubt the reality of it (as would i)…

    TTWD? no matter the reason or the purpose of it, for it…it is to me, a very, very good thing.

    nilla

    • aisha November 25, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

      ‘Nilla,

      I think it’s amazing that you keep up with as much as you do – I couldn’t do half as much…

      Glad you like the post – yeah, it doesn’t have to be fast does it?

      And i know it’s good for you! For me too….

      hugs,

      aisha

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