The Friday After..

25 Nov

Lots of people are out there shopping like mad ~ i’d rather take a beating.

O, wait ~ yes, of course i’d rather take a beating…  i mean i’d rather clean my house or do laundry, or just about anything else!

i didn’t see Sir yesterday, He was working, and then spent time with some friends, i was doing my traditional thing at my sister’s.  Our approaches to the holidays are going to be very different, that’s clear.

i LOVE the holidays.  Thanksgiving is great, but Christmas?  Christmas is the best.

My decorating is simple {i’m not Martha Stewart} but everything has a story and memories attached to it.  i like shopping and picking out gifts, and am delighted that i can do a lot of my shopping in bookstores.

i like baking cookies ~ ok, most of them are from a roll, but still.  This year i’m coming up with a great recipe for the cookie exchange!  Read about it here if you bake ~ or if you just want to get in on the fun.

Anyhow, you get my point, right?  i love Christmas.  

i don’t think it’s about the circumstances.  Everything around me doesn’t have to be smooth.  i’ve had plenty of Christmases that didn’t go the way i wanted, and i’m convinced that i can find the joy in the season.

i don’t expect this Christmas to be any different.

Laughing… and i just deleted the rest of this post ~ i had written a whole long thing predicting what barriers there would be this year, certain that Sir won’t be present and won’t celebrate with me ~ and really?

That kind of predictive angst is just unnecessary.  It’s a great example of how {sometimes} i’d rather live disappointed than take a chance on being disappointed.  

i was trying to find the video i posted the link to about that, about how we avoid the uncertainty of hope, but can’t find it… can’t remember the name of it, or the name of the woman who did it… damn.

Anyhow.  It doesn’t matter.  The point is that there’s no point in anticipating disappointment, in resigning myself to it ahead of time.  Walking around with my hands in front of me, braced for a fall.

Better to live with uncertainty.  It’s gonna be whatever it’s gonna be.

Tomorrow, i’ll be back into some kinky posts.  

11 Responses to “The Friday After..”

  1. vanillamom November 25, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    Predictive angst….what a wonderful word set that just rolls off the tongue, and so describes how i approach thanksgiving.

    i’ve never liked thanksgiving.

    oh, i pretend to. i go through the motions, and sometimes, like last year? i am happy to discover that it can be a fun time of ritual and sharing.

    this year? not so much.

    whatever, *waves hand in air*…it’s over. And i’m trying hard to shove away that angst, and be done with it,

    i have the entire day at home, alone. Wife and kids gone visiting the MIL so i can be here and revel in the glorious silence. I have a long list of things i want to accomplish and that will push aside the rest of the mental crud i need to expunge, so that i can be ready for the holiday that i love most, Christmas.

    and today i will write in total freedom…no one walking into the room making me kill pages before they see…aaahhh….

    here we mostly call it Yule, but its not the meaning behind the holiday but the history, the sharing, the love and the decorating …those are the parts i love.

    And i know that right now i’m in a crux, a crossroads, where my D/s life banged up against my vanilla life, and i was not a happy woman to begin…and and and…

    i’m breathing.
    i’m working through it
    and i will not engage in predictive angst …for today at least!

    i love you, sis!

    nilla

    • aisha November 25, 2011 at 10:52 am #

      Hey, ‘Nilla,

      Sorry Thanksgiving was tough for you… and glad it’s over! Hope you enjoy your home-alone time totally! I used to love those times…

      And I’m glad you enjoy Xmas too – or Yule, or we could call it Winter Solstice and I’d still love it!

      i’m glad you’re remembering to breathe – and avoiding predictive angst! laughing… i love you too!

      aisha

  2. Michelle November 25, 2011 at 9:36 am #

    I love reading your posts, Aisha. Especially when they could have been written by me.
    “…My decorating is simple {i’m not Martha Stewart} but everything has a story and memories attached to it. i like shopping and picking out gifts…”
    I decorate that way – I can tell you a story behind every ornament and garland (a very INJF thing to do – adding meaning to the ordinary), and I LOVE giving gifts. To me, part of the fun, and part of the gift, is the time I took in deciding what to get and the action of purchasing it.

    And predictive angst? What a perfect way to describe it. It is related to “Better to live with the misery you know.”How many times I have I chosen to suffer with the known disappointment rather than risk getting something good.

    Anyway, Thanks for sharing.
    Michelle

    • aisha November 25, 2011 at 10:54 am #

      @Michelle –

      Cool – I’m glad this post struck a chord with you! It is really the meaning we bring to things that matters, isn’t it?

      And yes, we sometimes can sacrifice a lot for a sense of safety…

      Thanks for you comment!

      aisha

  3. Alujna November 25, 2011 at 10:39 am #

    What if the disappoints come frequently? What if you have to protect yourself from hoping?

    I agree some of the time it can stop us from just going ahead. But it is protective too… at least in some ways.

    • aisha November 25, 2011 at 11:01 am #

      @Alujna,

      Yes! Good point! i’m in favor of being realistic. If someone usually lets you down, then they probably will again, and getting your hopes up does set you up to be hurt.

      When i was married the first time, we never had a holiday without some kind of drama ~ a tantrum or two, maybe something broken, some tears and yelling, whatever. At least one. Nothing I could do about it – it was gonna happen. Hoping that it wouldn’t happen would have been pointless.

      BUT anticipating it happening, thinking about it, fretting about it, wondering what would set it off, worrying about how i could prevent it ~ that would have been predictive angst. No point in it. Time enough to deal with it when it happened. And you never know, one year could have been the miracle year, in which case I would have wasted the angst.

      Does that make sense?

      aisha

      • Alujna November 25, 2011 at 9:33 pm #

        Yeah, it does… need to think about it… hmmmm

  4. K November 25, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

    Oo I needed that reminder to embrace the journey.. uncertainty is inevitable afterall, except death and taxes . _. thanks aisha.

    • aisha November 26, 2011 at 5:05 am #

      Hi, K,

      Cool -glad it resonated with you. Yeah, it’s all a journey…

      aisha

  5. sin November 25, 2011 at 11:57 pm #

    I’m that way with Christmas too – with most holidays really. I just like them. Thanksgiving is good. Christmas is better. Jewish holidays are good too. I’m not very selective, whatever brings families together and gives you a reason to eat and laugh and be happy. As family time. And I smiled at you saying you are happy when you can do most of your shopping in a bookstore – oh yesssss.

    Predictive angst strikes a chord too. For me and for one of my kids. I do that, but he does it way way more. Not in a good way at all. Something to think about there.

    thanks Aisha – happy holidays. And hey, don’t worry about the cookies ok? When we were kids my favourite kind of cookies were smartie cookies – you guys would use M&Ms. I might offer that as a simple cookie recipe this year! It doesn’t have to be (shouldn’t be) stressful.
    -sin

    • aisha November 26, 2011 at 5:10 am #

      @Sin,

      O, cool – nice to know you’re sharing the holiday happiness!

      It’s hard, letting go of trying to anticipate and control the future. I’m real, real good at it too. Or bad,depending on how you look at it, right?

      And ok, I’m not going to worry about the cookies either. Or, I’m gonna try not too. You’re so right, it’s just for fun.

      hugs,

      aisha

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