aisha

30 Nov

i just realized what’s wrong with my new blog look.  i can be kind of dense, cause it just now clicked.

“aisha” is capitalized.

It’s in all-caps.  And apparently it can’t be changed.  Damn it.

i made the whole thing smaller, and that looks a little bit better, i think.  But still.  

Sigh.

Does it look like i’m AISHA THE DOMME?

It does, doesn’t it.

What?  You wouldn’t have noticed if i hadn’t said something?

O.

Well, when i went to my settings, it was actually wrong there and i changed it, so maybe it just takes it a while to show up on the blog.  Maybe by the time you see this it will be ok.  

i made the print smaller, that helped a little bit.

Maybe i can do a big sticky post that says “aisha,” so it looks more submissive.  

Maybe i should quit obsessing about it and write a real post.  There’s nothing much i can do about it this morning.  i’ve tried some stuff, but it didn’t work.

If i have to change the whole appearance again to fix it?? Nooooo.  i don’t think so.

i feel so out-of-sorts, still.

So, here’s the thing.

My church is going through some more changes that make me think that’s not my spiritual home anymore.  That makes me really sad and angry.

My work is going through some changes that make me feel like the soul of my vocation is being crushed.  (Ooooo, that’s pretty dramatic, isn’t it?  i know that’s not true, it just feels like it.}   That makes me really sad.  And angry.

At work these days, there is often a sense that we’re being attacked by upper level management.  No, of course that’s not the actual truth, but it sure feels like it  So we’re in a pretty constant state of wanting to run or fight.  It’s fairly miserable.

And i have a huge good news/not so good news in my family.  Good news first ~ get ready to cheer ~

My younger daughter is pregnant!  Yay!!!

Not exactly planned, but very wanted, and she’s happy and her significant other is a good guy, and i’m delighted about being a grandmother again, and ~~

~~ here comes the bad news ~~

after the baby’s born, they plan to move.  Out of the country.

Yeah.

Really far away.

Not as far away as Hidden Slave is.  But still.

When i think about it, i want to cry.  i want to stamp my feet and say “NO!!!”   Or throw myself on the ground in a big ole tantrum and just wail.

i feel like i’m carrying around so much sadness.

Even though ~ moment to moment i’m fine, moment to moment i’m ok.  And believe me, i’m an expert at being ok in the here-and-now.  Really.

But underneath are these layers of sadness.  Weights on my heart.  

Church.

Work.

My baby.  And my baby’s baby.

i just want to cry.

So yesterday i was looking for quotes for my FB page and found this one on change:

‎”Unless you are prepared to give up something valuable you will never be able to truly change at all, because you’ll be forever in the control of things you can’t give up.”
~~ Andy Law
Creative Company

And that seemed to carry some important message, at least as far as church and work are concerned.  Not sure exactly what it will mean, how it will play out in my life, but it feels significant.

And as for my daughter and the baby…

Sigh…

i don’t know  When she was 18, it looked like she was going to live in Ireland the rest of her life, and i was all blues’ed out.  So i guess these last 10 years of her being mostly here have been a gift.

And she’s been away often enough that i know i can get through Christmas’s and such without her.

And i can go visit.  

And there’s Skype, right?

And if i get hit by a bus tomorrow, then all this angst will have been for nothing.  Right?  

Yes.

Ok.  

i’m better now – thanks.

And tonight, i get to see my Sir.  And i can lose myself, and all of this, in the world of intensely sensual bliss.  Or just have dinner with Him, that would be ok too.

Smiling again… 

18 Responses to “aisha”

  1. thesubmissivebf November 30, 2011 at 6:27 am #

    Congratulations baby’s bring such joy. Don’t get so wrapped up in thinking about your daughter moving that you miss out on spending time with her right now, live in the moment because that’s really all we have.
    Hugs
    butterfly

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:16 am #

      Thanks, Butterfly, i know you’re right, and i’m working on it. I swear.

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. sin November 30, 2011 at 6:39 am #

    Oh sweetie … yes it does seem tragic that she’d move far away but… take the good, savour it and ignore the prospect of future bad. Focusing on that doesn’t help and steals your current joy. Or something like that.

    And I sympathize, my place of worship and my work are both all messed up at the moment too; they are going in some wrong directions and… I’m trying to detach from both of them and focus on what’s good in my live.

    Big hug.

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:17 am #

      Thanks, Sin, i know you’re right.

      And i’m sorry you’re going through similar stuff – it’s just difficult, isn’t it? And yeah, i’m working on the detachment thing too, but damn! It’s tough.

      hug,

      aisha

  3. Striving for Peace November 30, 2011 at 7:51 am #

    oh

    I know how close you two are!

    but it’s still a long way away — and plans sometimes change.
    and
    you’ll get lots and lots of frequent flyer miles.

    hugs

    sfp

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:18 am #

      @Sfp,

      Laughing… yes. Things do change, and i guess i’ll be doing some serious visiting…

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. K November 30, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    Wait you mean you’re not a domme? Oh my! Lol…smiling.

    Congratulations for your daughter and you..sending warm wishes for the transitions.

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:19 am #

      @K,

      LOL…. i know – who knew??

      Thanks so much.

      aisha

  5. Sky November 30, 2011 at 8:32 am #

    Congratulations to your daughter 🙂

    Enjoy your time with her and think of all the joyous reunions you’ll have in the future!

    As difficult and as close as you are to your daughter, and as hard as it will be for you both to be apart, be proud that you have done a great job – that your daughter is confident enough to live in another part if the country/world, and that she is starting her own family. You’ve given her a wonderful foundation. That is something I think every parent wishes for their child. For them to be able to stand in their own two feet, and know that YOU will be happy for them and be there for them when they need you.

    I’m sure you will both miss each other terribly, but you can Skype, phone, fly – and the times you DO get to spend together will be special and sweet.

    Take care. Sky

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:21 am #

      Thanks, Sky,

      That’s so true. She’s turned out to be a terrific adult, and i’m really proud of her. For sure, she can stand on her own two feet, and she’s close to me too, so ~

      i guess she’s got the “roots and wings” thing going on – and that’s all good

      Thanks,

      aisha

  6. smilingsoul November 30, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Change is so hard, especially when changes are coming at you in some very significant areas in your life all at once. It is difficult to get your bearings. You start to question your beliefs. The truths you depended on for steady support seem to be weakening or disappearing. This type of change rocks you to your very core. No wonder you are angry.

    Periodically, I have experienced very much the same thing. Every time I came away with the feeling that it was necessary for me to learn the lessons I needed to learn or to change the direction of my life. Just this year ended two years of changes which rocked everything I believed in. But those very changes allowed me to discover this lifestyle and to be open to accept it I don’t think I would be His slave and He my Master otherwise. This lifestyle has consequences for us that would make it difficult to easily accept.

    Still it is hard to trust and accept what is happening because you can’t possibly know the outcome. And it is painful. I understand what you are going through. Keep yourself as positive as you can and know we are here for you.

    A baby is wonderful news! Congratulations to your daughter and you for the joy this special event will have in your lives.

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:23 am #

      Thanks, Smilingsoul,

      You’re so right – and i know that change is necessary and i wouldn’t be where i am either if i hadn’t gone through some huge changes along the way, right?

      Yeah.

      And like you said, that doesn’t make it less painful when i’m in the middle of it.

      Thanks,

      aisha

  7. Faithful November 30, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    Yes- Congrats on the baby news and like all the others said change is hard, but live for today and the rest will just work itself out.

    Enjoy your Sir tonight!!!!

    ~faithful

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:24 am #

      Thanks, Faithful!!

      And yes, smiling.. i did enjoy Him!

      hug,

      aisha

  8. Conina November 30, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    Congrats on the pregnancy!

    I took my husband far away from his parents… now (since our child) they spend two weeks with us twice a year. 🙂 Europeans get a lot of vacation time.

    I think you did quite an excellent job working through the layers of sad and coming back up smiling again.

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:26 am #

      Thanks, Conina,

      Yeah, not being European, i don’t think i’ll be spending 2 weeks twice a year with her, but that’s ok.

      And thanks – i’m working on working through it!

      aisha

  9. blossom November 30, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    Congrats on the good news

    Changes are difficult for us all, emotions run high but all things will work out. im enjoying reading your blog btw

    hugs
    blossom x

    • aisha December 1, 2011 at 5:27 am #

      @Blossom,

      Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting!

      i know, i know, things will work out. One way or another…

      aisha

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