9 Dec

Yesterday, after i finished posting, i read a piece that Dauntless Vitality had posted a while ago.  It’s called Submissive Emotions and the Dominant.    You can find it on his blog here

Yesterday, i was struck with how it connected,  for me, with my post on self control.  Today, i read Little Monkey’s post and saw more connection.

DV says, in part:

“From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved.  How her need will grow.  How this will become an addiction for her.  She has no way to know.  She has no reference point as of now.  I can drill into a sub how intense this can be.  How emotional it will become.  But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can’t know and understand.”

L.M. says:  “…the actuality of what I have been doing is exponentially more intimate than I understood it was going to be.”

Which all spirals around itself ~ the emotion, the intimacy, the intensity ~ and the vulnerability, which is so frightening and powerful.  It creates deep devotion, and love.

We can spend a lot of time trying to define that ~ love, devotion, and so on.  And it’s worth exploring ~ it’s important to wander around in it, looking and touching.

 i think it is all love.  Not necessarily romantic, happily-ever-after love, but deep compassion, tenderness, and devotion, all stemming from the same root.  

If i can peel an orange with love, then it becomes easier to receive love in its infinite forms.  

So, ok, i might be heading down a weird path here.  But you know, once i spot a psychic trail, i gotta follow it.  And yet, it’s not weird at all.

When are we most vulnerable?  Most dependent?  Capable of the most intense devotion?  

Yeah.  As infants and toddlers.

And who suffers, completely, intensely and in the moment?  Only to be all smiles and joy moments later.

Yep.  Two year olds.  Babies.  Little ones.

Even if we have a wonderful family, the pain of a two-year old can be intense and powerful.  And they can be distracted by bright, sparkly and forget the pain pretty quickly too.

A two-year old with an ice cream cone is the picture of joy.  

A two-year old whose ice cream has fallen off the cone is a picture of despair.

Over time, that intense joy/pain level gets muted.  We learn to be more guarded.  We know our ice cream can fall off the cone and melt away before our eyes.  We are no longer totally surprised when it happens.

We learn to blame.  “i should have been more careful,” we say.  Or, “Look what you made me do!!”  

We see patterns. “Bad things always happen to me.”  “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

No matter what things we say to ourselves, getting an ice cream cone as a ten-year-old carries a lot more anxiety than it does when we’re 2.  At ten we know we’re not supposed to make a mess, we need to be careful or it will fall, lick carefully and evenly, don’t let it drip.

At 40, when we get an ice cream cone, we may also think, “Omg, i shouldn’t be eating this, it’ll go straight to my hips, i wonder if i’m lactose intolerant, should i check my blood sugar now?”  and that’s on top of  the ten-year old’s concerns about neatness.

We’ve lost the pure joy of a two-year old with an ice cream cone.

We’ve learned to be guarded and cautious and self-protective. And that’s not bad, there’s nothing wrong with that, it helps us feel safe.

In a D/s relationship, we give up the “feeling safe.”  Hopefully, we don’t give up being safe, but we give up feeling safe.  We make ourselves vulnerable and dependent.

Don’t we?  Yeah.  

Like toddlers or infants.

i think ~ when we are in physical situations that recreate the experience of being helpless and dependent, then it opens the door to the depth of feeling we had in childhood.

For some people, that becomes connected to age play.  Which makes sense in a lot of different ways.  But i don’t think age play has to be part of it.

i think ~ emphasis on think ~ what we’re looking for is that ocean of feelings that we learned not to show, and really, not to feel, when we were little.  So that flood of emotion that DV talks about ~ that’s it.  That’s where our joy has been hiding all these years.

Mindfulness can take us there.  Mindfulness, being able to be fully present in the moment, allows us to get in touch with that intense joy.

And so does BDSM.

i’ve been reading some Buddhist stuff lately.   i’m particularly noticing the idea {already familiar from psychology} that when you have a rush of strong, unpleasant emotion, there is something that needs  attention and psychic work.  Healing maybe, of some sort.

And i’ve got more thoughts here, you already know i do.  But i’m taking a leaf from Smilingsoul’s book, i’m gonna let this all simmer for a while.  

Just holding the thought that our kink creates vulnerability, dependence, intensity, and intimacy.  That this experience allows us to tap into the deep joy and pain of early childhood.   

And that is a gift.  Submission and Dominance are our gifts to each other because thy create the potential for that emotional experience in a safe way…

28 Responses to “Emotion”

  1. vanillamom December 9, 2011 at 8:01 am #

    Well, seems i’m saying this a lot lately, but…fabulous, wonderful post.

    As DV says…”she has no idea”….that is so right. This subgirl had no idea.

    And it is funny…you know how silly and giggly i am…Master often calls me a 4-year old…though age play is NOT part of our dynamic…

    i’m not quite as willful as that two year old, but not anywhere near as guarded as the 10-year old you describe.

    though, upon reflection….Master *might* describe me as ‘willful”…or maybe simply “spoiled”…*laughing*

    This is a great post, and i don’t mean to make light of it, not at all….just now i am still filled to the brim and overflowing with the joy that my relationship brings into my chaotic life.

    it’s a good place to be.



    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:30 am #

      Hi, ‘Nilla,

      I’m delighted to hear you so happy, and i don’t think you’re making light of the post, just bringing your joy to it. I appreciate that.

      And that emotion ~ where your head is at the moment ~ is case in point.



  2. thesubmissivebf December 9, 2011 at 8:14 am #

    Aisha this is one of the best posts I have read in a while. Thank you for giving me so much to think about.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:31 am #

      Dear Butterfly,

      Thank you!! i’m glad it spoke to you


  3. lil December 9, 2011 at 8:54 am #

    Very nice post.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:31 am #

      Thank you, lil, i’m glad you liked it. aisha

  4. Sir J December 9, 2011 at 9:05 am #

    I agree excellent post, I will have to think on this one a while.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:32 am #

      Thank you, Sir J. i’m delighted if i gave you food for thought! aisha

  5. K December 9, 2011 at 11:30 am #

    This is one luminescent “psychic trail” aisha… 🙂

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:32 am #


      Laughing… thank you!!


  6. Sky December 9, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    Thank you Aisha for giving me more to think about.

    I wanted to ask – because I’m so new to D/s… But isn’t part if D/s being able to feel safe? You said

    “We’ve learned to be guarded and cautious and self-protective. And that’s not bad, there’s nothing wrong with that, it helps us feel safe.

    In a D/s relationship, we give up the “feeling safe.”  Hopefully, we don’t give up being safe, but we give up feeling safe.  We make ourselves vulnerable and dependent.”

    I’m confused! 😦

    A huge part of what attracts me to D/s is feeling safe. Having enough trust and commitment to caring with each to feel free enough to be ourselves. To be vulnerable and open and “to feel safe” enough to be those things.

    Take care. Sky

    • Michelle December 9, 2011 at 12:46 pm #


      I agree. I recall the first time I had a session with my first Sir – he asked me how I felt right after, and I said “safe.”

      That feeling safe is a huge part of it to me as well.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:36 am #


      Good point!! Thanks for raising this question. It is confusing, and really, i probably need to sort out what i think i’m trying to say.

      But there’s a duality, right? Because how can letting someone tie you up and spank you be “safe?” We take risks ~ emotional and physical ~ on a regular basis in TTWD. When we talk about something “pushing our limits” what do we mean?

      Ok, i’m doing my blog post here. Sorry. Thanks for pointing this out!!


  7. mouse December 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    Absolutely! While age play isn’t part of our dynamic, mouse does call Omega Daddy. It’s because of the feelings his control has on mouse. It’s deep and very intimate, yet playful and intense. There’s so much safety in being so very vulnerable and it feels that the opposite should be true. But those safe feelings come from Daddy.



    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:39 am #


      Yes, and i can see all those things when i read your blog. So my question is ~ how did you know it would be safe to be vulnerable with Omega? Did it always feel safe? Or did you have to take a lot of risk to get there?


  8. Michelle December 9, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    I love reading your perspective on TTWD, especially as you see it through your therapeutic/psychological background.
    That BDSM is a sort of therapy has been something I’ve been kicking around in my head for a while – I know I am most mindful when on the receiving end of a paddle or cane.

    Great post, and lots to think about.

    • vanillamom December 9, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

      yes, Michelle, i totally agree! Yes yes!

      there is such intent-ful mindfulness when i am with Him. Watching Him, his “cues”…or listening to/for Him if i’m blindfolded…always always just “in the moment”…

      it is only if He draws my attention to it that i realize i’m deep in subspace…and now i’m thinking aloud here, but maybe, rather than being “out there” in subspace….we’re *really* deeply within….within the bounds of our submissive mind, within the depths of our deepest selves….



    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:40 am #


      Laughing.. no doubt. Nipple clamps bring me right into the moment too!

      Yeah, i think BDSM can be super therapeutic, very healing, in a bunch of ways.

      Thanks for your comment!


  9. smilingsoul December 9, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    Blushing… You honor me. Yes, simmer. Chew it for a while, mull it over. The clarity of understanding will astound you. It does me every time.

    “Just holding the thought that our kink creates vulnerability, dependence, intensity, and intimacy.”

    It does. That and trust. There are times when I am with my Master and I feel myself open up to Him. I wait to see where he will take me. The vulnerability doesn’t scare me anymore. I wait, ready for a cue for the direction He wishes to take. His hands explore my belly, legs, back, breasts and neck; His hands eliciting the direction He takes. He once told me He doesn’t know what He would like to do until He touches me, taking inspiration from the exploration of His hands. Once He has decided and the cue is given, I go. I be what He wants me to be. Whether He chooses to meet His sadist urges, His dominate urge, His need to be loving or His desire to feed off my calmness and strength, I am ready to meet His needs in the way He needs them met. It is a beautiful experience and it connects us in ways that are profound and lasting.

    I am able to be vulnerable in this way because I feel safe. I feel safe because my trust in Him is complete. In my experience, the vulnerability is felt by the both of us. He can be what He wants to be because I open up to Him. He will not be rejected and I will remain whole. The energy that flows back and forth between us becomes more and more intense as time goes on.

    “i think it is all love. Not necessarily romantic, happily-ever-after love, but deep compassion, tenderness, and devotion, all stemming from the same root.”

    I think it is. I don’t know what else to call it. This thing I feel.

    This was such a powerful entry, I had to read it twice. So many points you have hit that are dead on.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:45 am #


      Thanks for your kind words!

      Your description of the interactions between you and your Master is beautiful. I love the way you describe his vulnerability as well – yes, of course you’re right. “He will not be rejected and I will remain whole.” That allows him to do the things he does. How powerful.

      And ~ taking that time to mull? that’s one of the ways we move into wise mind, right?


  10. little monkey December 9, 2011 at 1:54 pm #

    So much to think about. I so appreciate your perspective , aisha, you always have a positive outlook, and in the middle of the emotional spin cycle, I sometimes forget the positivity. You are so right, it does tap into that lost intensity from early childhood. Both the glory and the depth. I’ll be ruminating over this post for days.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:50 am #


      Thanks, i’m glad you liked it, particularly since i was bouncing off of you.

      It seems funny to me that you think of my perspective as being positive when it seems to me i’m often suggesting we embrace some negative. But then i think that maybe just accepting what is feels positive?

      In any case, I’m glad it resonated with you, and hope your emotional spin cycle slows down soon!



  11. sin December 9, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    Very perceptive post. I think we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable because we feel safe, because they create a safe place for us to be. And in that place where we have given up safety, there are wild ups and downs, that we aren’t used to in our regular safe lives. Very smart.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:51 am #


      Thanks ~ i’m glad you thought so. Your comment gives me the feel i had on the safety thing ~ there’s a flowing into and out of safety isn’t there?


  12. Alice December 10, 2011 at 3:59 am #

    Aisha – I can only echo all the other comments. This is such a beautiful and thought provoking post. “Being safe but not feeling safe”is absolutely right – trust in it’s purest form but with freedom to experience built in. Thank you.

    • aisha December 10, 2011 at 4:53 am #


      yep. That’s it – that’s what i’m thinking too. And trust only happens when there’s a risk, right? Yeah.



  13. abby December 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    WOW, thank you for expressing this so well. I wish I had it to read when Master and I were first starting out. The feeling of “neediness” through me for a loop, it took a long time to adjust to it. Having a place where we feel safe and cared for, to be…whoever..and to express our innermost selves, that is a beautiful gift. I agree, it is one we give each other.

    • aisha December 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm #

      Thanks, Abby ~

      i’m glad my thoughts speak to your experience.

      That “neediness” thing is tough for a lot of us, isn’t it? Scary to work through, and so worth it….

      Thanks so much for commenting!


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