Just thinking….

11 Dec

Last night, Sir and i had a lovely afternoon interlude, complete with spanking and rope and you know, the usual D/s things we do.  

i turned the fireplace on in the living room so it was nice and warm.  

And He left a welt or two on my ass, although they’re gone this morning.  i don’t know why i don’t get marks that last.  It makes me feel like William’s wife, if you read him ~ The training of my lovely slut.  

For a long time, he ~ William ~ was disappointed because he’d try to leave marks, but they didn’t last.  i guess he’s probably still disappointed, or gave up on that, but he hasn’t talked about it lately.

Anyhow.

i don’t think that Sir X cares a lot about leaving marks ~ i think i might want it more than He does ~ but He does want it. It just doesn’t seem to happen.

i think ~ i don’t want to say this, but here it is ~ i think He’s not doing it hard enough.  “it.”  Um, spanking me.  

Last night was a little bit harder, i think.  Although it’s hard for me to judge, but it seems like it was harder for me to hold still.

So i guess He’s upping the ante a little bit at a time.  That’s maybe my own fault, ’cause i told Him early on in our relationship that if He goes too fast or too hard, i’ll “go away in my head,” which is my term for dissociating.  

While that’s a good survival skill to have, it’s not the way He wants our relationship to work.  Or what i want.

That’s not “going away in my head” like in subspace.  i’m talking about dissociating.  i used to worry a little bit that there wasn’t a difference, until i heard Raven Kaldera speak at COPE.  

You know, the difference for me is that with subspace, the rest of the world disappears and i’m totally in the experience.  With dissociation, i separate from the experience.

Dissociation is a great tool to have for the dentist’s chair.  Not so much in relationship ~ not for my dynamic, anyhow.

And then that brings me back to safety, doesn’t it?  Another turn on the spiral and i’m right back here.

It’s the paradox that fascinates me.  

We feel safe, while we’re doing things that border on abuse.  No, it’s not abuse, but it’s always walking the line, isn’t it?

And we give up feeling safe in other ways.  

Maybe for people who’ve been in a committed relationship for a long time, there’s a constant sense of safety.  But ~~

What do we mean when we talk about our D/M pushing our limits?  Does that feel safe?

Doesn’t matter what your limits are, right?  Having the edges of our limits pushed is scary.  And ~ i’m going out on a limb here ~ we like that.

Don’t we?

i do.  i want to take the relationship further, deeper.  i want to go to greater lengths to please Him.  And i want to be required to do that.

Yikes.

Because somehow, being required to do it, makes it safe.  Makes it safe to give more, to do more, to stretch and test our limits.

And now we’re back to safe ground, and feeling safe, which we also do often.  And we like that too

Isn’t that amazingly cool?

Like a dance with danger, they, our Sir, our Master, our Mistress, lead up into danger, dangle us off the edge of a cliff.   We hang suspended, heart racing, barely able to breathe, we hang there for the interminable moment ~~

~~~ and then They  pull us back to safety, snatching us out of the danger They have just placed us in.

Laughing…  isn’t that interesting?

i think it’s only one of the ways our concepts of safety get challenged.  But enough for today.  

10 Responses to “Just thinking….”

  1. vanillamom December 11, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    i totally agree with this…because yeah…i did the same thing..

    and finally, finally, i screwed up my courage and talked to him about it, letting him know i wanted more…more intensity, that i could handle more now.

    Even now, after 2 years? It is still hard for me to ask. And yes, our time last week was great, awesome…this is a blogpost. sigh. i keep doing that. But the bruises have faded quickly, and … i *know* He was easier on me because i’d been honest and told Him i was nervous, since it had been three months since we’d had any intense play…so He dialed down.

    Oh, the spanking OTK was about the hardest and longest yet, but for certain there was less of FSCT and the dreaded Brush….then again…He does what He wants….no scripts…

    so was he being somewhat gentler for me because i’d expressed my fears? Likely, yes. So this week i told Him that i was sad that my bruises were fading mid-week.

    “What are you saying little girl” He says.

    there is a long silence.

    finally i said…”i …” *clear throat*….” please, Sir, i want you to hit me harder”…

    yeah…TTWD? its kinda crazy.

    But He laughed, and “got it”….and there are definite plans to “dial it up” when next we get together….

    (next month i might be writing a blogpost that starts with “be careful what you ask for” while i type it, standing … LOL! )

    nilla

    • aisha December 12, 2011 at 4:44 am #

      @’Nilla,

      Laughing… have i told you lately how much i love your comments? They are almost as much fun as your blogposts.

      I can’t imagine how hard Sir would have to whack me to leave the kind of bruises you get – sheesh! Scares me a little just thinking about it. But i love the story you tell.

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. Faithful December 11, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    tell him you are ready for more. Dom’s are smart- but they are not mindreaders 🙂

    glad you had such a wondeful time.

    ~faithful

    • aisha December 12, 2011 at 4:50 am #

      @Faithful,

      Good point – although, like ‘Nilla says, it is hard to ask for more.

      But in this situation, i think He knows i want more ~ He knows i’d like to have marks, ’cause we’ve talked about it, and He’s working on that. i don’t think i need to specifically say, “o, maybe you should try hitting me harder…” Giggling….

      Seriously, i think i need to trust Him to keep moving us where we want to be, since He knows i want marks. But maybe i do need to let Him know that i don’t think i’m at my limits for pain…

      Damn. Yeah, i might need to do that. i think He knows that really, but He might also wait to hear it from me.

      Thanks, faithful,

      aisha

  3. Conina December 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    For my husband to leave a mark on me with force requires a level of pain I can barely tolerate, and even then the marks are little red dots and hardly ever bruises.

    Before we were married, at the end of his first visit, my husband and I were making out in the back seat while my mom drove us to the airport. He intentionally left a hickey on my neck (just barely hidden by my collar) that didn’t fade for over a week… I would stroke it with my fingers after he was gone.

    Not all marks have to come from hitting. 🙂

    • aisha December 12, 2011 at 4:50 am #

      O, good idea, Conina!! i like that! i’ll have to suggest that…

      Thanks!

      aisha

  4. smilingsoul December 11, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

    Yes, as nilla’s possible future blogpost title suggest, “Be care what you wish for…” I get to the point where I want Master to increase the intensity of our sessions, but I stop myself from asking Him. First, because I know He will find harsher implements than He already has on His own. Like last night’s tire thread paddle – nasty thing that one is. He tried it on me at our local Kink Holiday party. He ordered one made from a member of our local community. I don’t bruise easily either, but this will leave a bruise. And second, I’m afraid I will become accustomed to higher and higher pain levels too quickly, I think there is a danger of a of slippery slope kind of thing here. There are years ahead of us for me to experience more pain. I think it might be wise for me to not push it.

    With that being said, the only time I ask for an intense session is when I need a cathartic release. I always explain my reasons for my request. This type of session is the only one where He insists I use my safe word. Let me clear here. I have a safe word, but I choose not to use it. Because He knows I will not use my safe word, He gives me an object to drop when I have reached the release I need. I, of course, obey His request.

    • aisha December 12, 2011 at 4:55 am #

      @Smilingsoul,

      Now you’re just trying to make me jealous with your tire thread paddle story, aren’t you???? laughing… But yes, i hear what you’re saying about having years ahead of you and not needing to push it. In the same way, i think if i tell Sir, “Harder, harder!” and then i have to go back and say, “O, btw, that was too hard, i really shut down that time,” that it won’t be so helpful. i trust Him to move me as He wants…

      i’ve not sought out that kind of catharsis. But in some ways, i’m still so new… Nice that you have found a system that works.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. jade December 11, 2011 at 11:01 pm #

    Much as i may hate to be dangled off the cliff…the more i hate it, the safer i feel afterwards when my feet have touched the ground. i have been assured that no matter what it feels like in the moment, in the end i am more complete, more open, more me.

    i must say i do way better when we are talking about the physical aspects of this metaphor than when its purely mental/emotional.

    • aisha December 12, 2011 at 5:02 am #

      @Jade ~

      Yeah, that seems to be how it works. Which ~laughing ~ would almost just make us adrenaline junkies if it weren’t for all the other aspects of TTWD.

      Interesting point about the physical aspects as opposed to the mental. i think ~ at least, i think i think, if you know what i mean ~ that the physical is safer in some ways. More clear cut. Less likely to have long-term ramifications.

      Good insights, thanks!

      aisha

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