Needy Again

13 Dec

i’m so glad my Sir doesn’t read my blog.

i’ve got all kinds of insecurity running around in my head, twisting my heart, driving me half crazy.

You know the kind i mean.  The voice that says, “He doesn’t really want you.  If He really knew you, He wouldn’t want you.”

i know that’s irrational.  i know that’s a variation on the basic cognitive distortion “I’m unloveable.”   i know that’s not a fact.

And yet here i am.  All irrationally stirred up, certain that it’s just a matter of time before He gets sick and tired of me.

Yes, it goes back to childhood ~ i’m a frigging therapist, i know this.  Yes, it probably has more to do with my relationship with my father than it does with me and Sir X.  That’s how this crap works.

It doesn’t make any difference.  Knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better AND ~~

~~ i hate feeling this way.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Excuse me while i stomp my foot and have a tiny aisha tantrum.

************************

Ok, tantrum’s over – the foot stomping part anyhow.

i ate two donuts yesterday.  A custard filled with chocolate icing and a caramel one.  And half a glazed one late in the afternoon.

Disgusting.  Really, i guess i’m not used to that much sugar anymore, ’cause i felt half sick the rest of the day.  Bloated and gross.

TMI?  Sorry.

It occurs to me now, the donuts were maybe a different kind of  tantrum.

Yes, i told Him how i’m feeling.  Just now, i emailed Him, ok?

i think we’re going to see each other today, but i’m not sure ’cause we didn’t confirm it, and He hasn’t said anything this week, but i’ve been counting on it, and yes, that’s what triggered all this stupid, ridiculous angst, ’cause i said something about it when i emailed Him last night, and haven’t heard back from Him ~~

~~ which means NOTHING.

But now i’m in this stupid tailspin, this ridiculous emotional whirlpool.  And i DON’T LIKE IT!!

Ok?  Is that clear?  ‘Cause really, if i don’t like something, it should just go away, right?

Sigh.

i am a big baby.

Even if we don’t do something today, it is not the end of the world.  It doesn’t necessarily mean He’s tired of me.  Sheesh.

Ok.

Ok, i’m ok.  i know i am.  What would i tell my clients?  {WWiTMC?}

{In a soothing voice}  “It’s ok to feel what you feel.  That’s not stupid and ridiculous.  It’s just feelings, and that’s ok.   Feelings are like clouds in the sky, they come and they go.

But when you judge them, when you say they’re ridiculous and stupid, you’re holding on to them.   They can’t go ’cause you’re holding on to them.

So what if you feel insecure ~ of course you do.  Why wouldn’t you?  Fairly new relationship, and you keep moving a little deeper into it every time you see Him.  Of course you feel insecure.  That’s ok too.”

Ok.

Ok, better now.  Maybe i won’t completely lose my mind.

Going to exercise now.  i wonder, how long does it take to work off 2 and a half donuts?

Never mind, i don’t want to know – really ~ laughing ~ please don’t go look it up on some work-out table and tell me… 

24 Responses to “Needy Again”

  1. Faithful December 13, 2011 at 6:54 am #

    Sorry you are having such angst- sending a big confidence boosting HUG your way today 🙂

    Try to just enjoy today- you can NOT control his actions – (I know you know that)

    Hopefully the exercise this morning helped clear you head and you are feeling better.

    Didn’t look it up but you need to burn 3600 calories to lose a pound… and it goes the other way too on the gaining part. (sorry couldn’t resist).

    But 2 little donuts I wouldn’t worry about!!

    I hope you get to see him tonight and if not, do something for yourself anyway!

    ~faithful

    • aisha December 13, 2011 at 7:27 am #

      Dear Faithful,

      i’m sorry, i am not speaking to you anymore.

      3600 calories to lose a pound? Thirty-Six Hundred???? And i’m sure that’s on top of the 2000 we need to burn every day, right?

      No wonder i’m not losing weight. Sheesh.

      As for not worrying about the two little donuts ~ yeah, not worrying about them is exactly how i gained weight… laughing…

      Thanks for the hug though. 🙂

      hug back, even though you had to tell me that calorie thing,

      aisha

  2. Striving for Peace December 13, 2011 at 7:12 am #

    thank God we have the blogs

    it’s a way to get some of the poison in our heads OUT

    and

    I’m going to say that tantrums burn TONS of calories.

    hugs sub sis

    sfp

    • aisha December 13, 2011 at 7:28 am #

      Dear Sfp,

      No doubt!

      And, um, thanks for the tip on tantrums… laughing…

      aisha

  3. vanillamom December 13, 2011 at 8:32 am #

    you don’t need me to therapist you coz you’ve already done it….

    and you KNOW that TTWD …the root of it is need…

    and gosh? would it even *work* if we weren’t needy and half-crazed at times?

    Its a rollercoaster ride, full of high highs, hairpin turns, and stomach-dropping falls….

    and gosh it sucks when you hit bottom and the climb up the next hill comes slowly, one fucking click at a time.

    Let me simply add this, my dearest and much beloved friend…i spent 4 days with you, and i discovered a multi-layered, sweet and funny, tart and sassy woman. Someone that i’ve grown to like a wonderful lot…so i hope you don’t spend too much time thinking (no matter those old ‘tapes)…that you are unloveable. Coz simply, you are not. so there.

    and the exercise donut thing?

    don’t worry about it…in a month or two you’ll hardly know they’re stuck on your ass.

    mwhahahahahaha

    nilla

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 2:53 am #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      Your comment made me feel so good ~ the reminder that it is a frigging roller coaster ride ~ and your kind words about me. Laughing… Really, you brightened my day. Thank you, dear heartsister.

      Except for that mean part about the donut being stuck on my ass! That was uncalled for!

      laughing…

      aisha

  4. Alice December 13, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    Oooooh I love those cream filled donuts, my absolute favorite. I’ve done that too before, eaten too many sweets ’cause I’m having a tantrum and I’m feeling sour and cranky and moody… I like to think that the tantrum-calories I eat don’t count. 😉

    Sorry you’re feeling so insecure. I was actually just talking to another friend about this new relationship insecurity thing. I told her that the insecurities never really go away, they just find some other way to make you feel worthless. Insecurities SUCK!

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 2:58 am #

      @Alice,

      Laughing.. yep, food and tantrums. i like the idea that the food you eat then doesn’t have calories but i’m pretty sure that’s wrong…

      And thanks for letting me know that the insecurity doesn’t go away! Damn! Laughing… it figures, right? Like when i was married the first time, i used to say that after 10 years, 15 years, we were still fighting about the same things we fought about the first year, we just didn’t expect it to change anymore.

      Thanks for the support, Alice.

      aisha

  5. abby December 13, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    I have so been where you are….I think we all have. I used to get up in the middles of the night and send Master an email…and if there was no answer in the morning…you don’t want to know what I ate for breakfast! Eight years later, I know the neediness is a part of this journey. HUGS…abby

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:00 am #

      @Abby,

      O, that’s funny – and i do that too – email him after he’s probably in bed, and expect an answer before he’s up. It is part of the journey, thanks for reminding me.

      aisha

  6. Bill December 13, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    Hate to bring up science, but, have you looked at the other ingredients in those donuts? We as a society seem to just add chemicals to everything theses days and then study the results. I had some sugar filled donuts on my recent bus trip to Washington but the folks that ate the cream filled ones seemed to react to them more than the glazed ones.

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:02 am #

      Thanks for the scientific input, Bill. i’m sure i’d be appalled by the other ingredients in the donuts. For a while there, i was trying not to eat processed food for that very reason.

      Just for the record though, it was custard filled, not creme. Much better, albeit not better for you.

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. littlemonkey December 13, 2011 at 11:15 am #

    No advice, you gave it to yourself already, but I do want to say your little bitty aisha tantrum was adorable. I recognize my own feelings in your post, know how uncomfortable they are. Hugs.

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:04 am #

      @LM,

      Ok… laughing… the tantrum was not supposed to be adorable!! Seriously though, thanks for the support. It is uncomfortable as hell, isn’t it? And really, i’m much more comfortable with you being uncomfortable than i am when it’s me ~ go figure, right? LOL

      HUG,

      aisha

  8. mouse December 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    It’s hard when we feel like that…and we all do. It’s harder to let them know that we feel like that. To admit that we’re cranky because…

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:06 am #

      Thank you, mouse, it always makes me feel like it must be really normal if you feel it too…

      hugs,

      aisha

  9. Mick December 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    Love the self-therapy thing. Do you send yourself a bill? Pay by visa, cash or check?

    Mick

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:07 am #

      @Mick,

      Laughing out loud…. really, this cracked me up. Maybe i’ll pay myself in donuts. Hahahahahaha…

      aisha

  10. jade December 13, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    maybe the calorie count went to little aisha instead? In which case, its very much real but–invisable–like aisha(nods). Yes. That sounds about right.

    Feel free to use my doctor. If you look sick enough when you come in, the nurses don’t weigh you. i found that out today. Thats nice…since little jade ate way, way, way too much cake last week. i’m not checking my little’s ass for evidence. Cuz thats taking the little experience just a bit too far for me. Really.

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:12 am #

      Dear Jade,

      Ok, if i “get” this ~ you’re suggesting that my “little” could take on the calories for me and then they’d be invisible, like “littles” are invisible? LOL – i love that idea. Um, i don’t think it’ll actually work, but love the idea!!

      As for not getting weighed if you’re too sick ~ first, i’m really sorry you’re sick ~ second, i don’t know how to tell you this, you might want to sit down ~ the pounds are there whether you get on the scale or not. i know ~ i know ~ i was disappointed when i learned that too!

      As for “checking your little’s ass” – LOL – i don’t even know what to do with that, so i will leave it alone. Figuratively, and literally.

      hug,

      aisha

  11. jade December 13, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    opps…cold meds at work…make that…invisable like LITTLE aisha. Of course you are not invisable. That would be silly. Sheesh.

    Let’s review:
    Little aisha and weight gain from donughts? invisable.
    Big aisha? Able to be seen.

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:13 am #

      You crack me up ~ you and your cold medicine should probably go to bed.

      asiha

  12. nancy December 13, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    SO hard to have a tantrum isn’t it! I have them.. insecurity and fear and worry and darn.. then Sir finds out.. and one way or the other.. makes it all better.
    I hope you feel better.. FAST!
    hugs~~

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 3:14 am #

      @Nancy,

      Thank you so much for the support! Yes, my Sir often has a way of making things better too. Thank goodness!

      hugs,

      asiha

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