Riding the Rides

14 Dec

i always wanted to be a carny.  Not to run away and join the circus, but the carnival.  Maybe run a booth, try to lure in the visitors, calling to them as they pass by…  Maybe run a ride.

To live in the middle of the excitement, even knowing that then the excitement would become commonplace.  It would be my natural habitat, the lights, late nights, the gritty underside of life…

That doesn’t have anything to do with today’s post, but i was thinking about roller coasters and how often we use that analogy when we talk about TTWD.  

So is this my own personal version of living in the carnival?  Laughing… maybe.

You know, when i go to the state fair, which i do every year, i have to see it all.  The cows and pigs, the little “farm” where you get to pet the animals, the booths and exhibits, the quilts, the shows, the midway… i’ve seen it all before, but every year it’s a little different, and i love doing it all again.

And i don’t even know where i’m going with all this fair talk.  The fair comes in August.  No reason to be thinking about it now.

i did see Sir last night, and i’m better today ~ don’t ask me better than what.  Someone ~ i can’t remember who it was now~ used to always say he was “better than nothing.”   You know, like if i said, “Hope you’re feeling better now…” he’d say, “Better then nothing.”

Omg, it might have been Bob!  There.  i don’t have to have that question nagging in the back of my mind.


So because this is real life, and my relationship with Sir X is real, last night resolved some issues and didn’t resolve others.  That’s ok.

We’ve only known each other about 3 months.  Amazing, isn’t it, how intense things can get so quickly.  But the reality is that 3 months is not very long.  


We’ll see.  In the meantime ~

i’m pondering Sfp’s post on codependency still, and Sin’s latest post, which touches on contempt vs humiliation.  So much to think about.

Wondering if i really have a clue what i’m doing in the lifestyle.  Or in a relationship.  Maybe i don’t even need to be involved with anyone.

And if i weren’t, would i stay in the lifestyle?  Or just go back to living my vanilla life?  Do i really frigging want to ride the roller coaster?

24 Responses to “Riding the Rides”

  1. Jake December 14, 2011 at 5:50 am #

    My cousin, who is about six months older than I am, ran away with one of the carnival when she was 16. This was one of those carnivals that travels the country, setting up in supermarket parking lots and places like that for a few nights, then taking everything down and travelling to the next town. She was with them for about two years running one of the carnival games, and according to her, it wasn’t a bad life. She said she made great money (of course, you have to remember she was a teenager, so “great” is relative), and that the things you might be afraid of (rape, assault, etc.) never happened to her. But eventually she got tired of it and dropped back into more mainstream society.

    I’ve never asked her if she was into TTWD, so I don’t know if she rides our particular brand of roller coaster. She might, though–I wouldn’t be surprised…

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 7:31 am #


      O, that’s way cool!! See, I probably should have done it back when I was 16!! It would be fun {well, for me} to know if she were into TTWD. In fact, there’s another great dissertation topic – does that kind on non-mainstream lifestyle coexist with TTWD or are we more cautious in our regular lives??

      Thanks for sharing the story!


  2. Mick December 14, 2011 at 6:06 am #

    enjoy the ride while you can, AIsha.

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 7:32 am #

      Thanks, Mick! 🙂


  3. abby December 14, 2011 at 7:25 am #

    Who can resist a good roller coaster ride?? abby

    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 7:32 am #

      @Abby ~

      Point well taken ~ except i don’t ride them at all IRL…. Funny, isn’t it?


  4. Striving for Peace December 14, 2011 at 7:27 am #

    I read this and then went into the shower to think about it

    well — because I’ll be late if I don’t
    but also because I needed to gather my thoughts

    I think that having doubts about the lifestyle is the most rational thing in the world



    it’s the most insane idea ever.

    we ARE going to the fair — only when everyone else is riding the tilt-o-whirl — we’re riding the “widowmaker” —

    there should be all sorts of forms to complete rife with disclaimers — notarized and on file with the courts

    because it doesn’t make sense


    for us it does make sense

    so I say — explore your doubts — feel your feelings —

    but know that it IS a rollercoaster — and don’t make decisions when you’re at the bottom or the ride — or at the top — because both of them are altered states

    hugs sis


    • aisha December 14, 2011 at 7:46 am #


      Omg, you’re so right! Forget the disclaimer, where’s the insurance! laughing…

      Yeah. Good point ~ thinking about it when i’m not at the top or bottom of the ride. Maybe I can find the “pause button” to hit for a minute, right?

      Thanks, sister of mine,


      • sin December 14, 2011 at 8:09 am #

        Umm, is it the roller coaster if you have insurance and disclaimers?

      • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:41 am #


        laughing…. o, good point!


  5. smilingsoul December 14, 2011 at 8:26 am #

    Another thing to know about this lifestyle is that everything moves in hyper-speed. It does because we engage in risky behaviors and we come out of just fine. That would develop trust (on a certain level) and bonds us to the partner which we are already emotional connected faster. It may something to consider as to why you are feeling so insecure. Too much too soon may cause to you to feel your normal reactions of insecurities in an vanilla relationship more intensely.

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:43 am #

      Thanks, Smilingsoul,

      Of course that’s true, and it’s good to be reminded of it. i think it’s ok to slow things down a little bit, right?


  6. Faithful December 14, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    I think regardless of vanilla or D/s the 3 month mark is that point where you think.. “is this what I want?” “is this going where I want it to”. So what you are feeling/thinking is natural and like SFP said don’t make any decisions during the high or low points.

    The one thing I always go back to … if I have to work that hard at the relationship…. is it really working for me?

    Not to say you are at this point with Sir or not, but IMHO he should be taking away any angst by communicating his intentions clearly: where you stand, where the relationship is going and what his expectations are.

    Hopefully you resolved some of that last night 🙂


    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:49 am #


      You know, i think you’re right about the 3 month mark! i mean, there are other points that you think it too ~ i wonder if that’s what it is when we talk about the “seven-year itch?”

      For sure this relationship is important to me, and it’s not by any means like i’m wanting to end it, or think it’s too hard. I’m not sure He can take away my angst, exactly, unless He could predict the future with any kind of certainty.

      Thanks, Faithful,


  7. Faithful December 14, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    p.s. I didn’t mean to say that working hard in a relationship is not needed or important.. just the level of how hard based on the time I am in it. I work hard to keep Master happy and our relationship is the most important thing to me besides my Son.

    It is just that it is NOT difficult for me to be in it.

    Hope that makes sense.. will stop rambling now.


    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:49 am #

      @Faithful – Got it – and you weren’t rambling… aisha

  8. Bob December 14, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    WOW!! I’ve made the big time, being quoted in your blog!!

    Remember, life IS like a roller coaster. Enjoy the ride!!

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:51 am #

      @Bob ~

      Funny…. and i think you’ve been quoted here before, actually! lol

      Thanks for the reminder ~ yeah, no doubt. i will. 🙂


  9. lil December 14, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    “Wondering if i really have a clue what i’m doing in the lifestyle. Or in a relationship.”
    I think it’s fair to say that teenagers are the only ones who know everything…Then they grow out of it and discover they got most of it wrong…
    I believe that asking those questions means you Do have a clue. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be asking them.

    You Did say not to stop making comments pre-coffee! lol.

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:55 am #

      Thanks, Lil ~

      Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with uncertainty, is there? i appreciate that perspective a lot.

      Thanks. And you’re right, i still love those pre-coffee comments!



  10. Sky December 14, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    Aisha – I think SFP had some great advice. Taking time to think about things when you’re not on a high or low point.

    Im sending you a big hug. I don’t have any wise words.

    Take care. Sky

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 4:56 am #

      Thanks for the hug, Sky! aisha

  11. greengirl December 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

    To be waaaay off topic – sorta…..Is that the Beast??? It looks like the Beast….I used to love the Beast!

    Just sayin.

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 5:00 am #


      LOL ~ You know, it think it might be the Beast! Wouldn’t swear to it, and when i went back to try to find the pic of course i couldn’t. But yes, i think it was!

      i don’t even like roller coasters IRL.


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