More Uncertainty

15 Dec

There’s a woman named Pema Chondron who’s written a book called When Things Fall Apart:  Difficult Advice for Heart Times.  A therapist i work with discovered it when she was having some difficult times, and quotes from it often.  In fact – is that where the tiger story comes from?  i think it might be.

Anyhow.  i bought the book, and loaned it to my daughter, still unread, but i already use Pema’s quotes often.  Here’s one that struck me today:

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” 
― Pema ChödrönWhen Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

 i stumbled across this quote too: 

“Embrace relational uncertainty. It’s called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It’s called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It’s called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It’s called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It’s called revelation.” 
― Mark BattersonIn a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: How to Survive and Thrive When Opportunity Roars

i like both of those quotes very much.  

For some of you, TTWD are about going farther and deeper with your partner.  Sin, ‘Nilla, Jake, mouse, Sfp, and scores of others who are already in relationships, and sometimes i envy you that.  i know you had to work hard to get where you are, and i hope to be there someday.

Only not quite in any of your shoes, right?   You know, to state the obvious, your dynamics are not what mine are or what mine will be.

i don’t know what mine are going to be.  It depends on so many things ~ me, Him, our situations, and a zillion other factors.  

i took Sin’s on-line personality test ~ well, not her test, but the one she linked to ~ and discovered i’m a “seeker.” No big shock there, right?

It’s a pretty cool test ~ you pick pictures instead of using words.  Here’s the link:

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1Yr38F/personality.visualdna.com/  

in case you want to find out what you are.  Based on comments on Sin’s blog, plenty of us are seekers. 

It says i:

“…have a bright spirit and warm energy. Chatty and friendly, you feel most relaxed when you’re hanging out with your best friends. A sensitive soul with an expressive nature, you tend to be quite a romantic at heart. Sometimes you love nothing more than escaping into your very own dreamworld.”

It ends with:

“…You have a strong self-awareness and value quiet time away from the hectic pace of life. Even if you have a busy schedule, make sure you have the confidence to carve out that space for yourself . It’ll definitely pay off in the long run.”

No big surprises there.  It’s not 100% accurate, but it makes some good points.

So here’s the thing.  i love Sir X dearly.  For me, submission stimulates love, and i can get all lost in pleasing and wanting to belong and so on.  

Plus, He is an admirable person, has all kinds of qualities i appreciate, and i enjoy Him in all kinds of ways.  He has lots to teach me.

That doesn’t necessarily mean we’re headed for happily-ever-after.  It might mean that~ and i’ll hold that hope ~ but it doesn’t have to mean that.

It does mean i get all lost in the feeling and the wanting, the pleasure and the pain.  Then i need to pull back and look at what i’m doing.  Think about it, evaluate it.

Maybe that’s not submissive, and maybe i won’t do that someday.  But for now, that’s what i do.

And in that space of stepping back, there is ambiguity and uncertainty.  Often, it’s a twinge of pain that drives me there.  Not the good kind of pain, but the emotional jolt of something unexpected, incongruent, and uncomfortable.  

i hope these are growing pains.  i hope i find the way to express the things i need to say so He can hear them and that we end up closer together, or in more complete agreement, or something like that.

In the meantime, i need to tolerate the uncertainty.  And ~ if i listen to Pema Chondron and Mark Batterson ~ not just tolerate it, but embrace it.

Ok.

Big breath.

i can do that.  i can.

23 Responses to “More Uncertainty”

  1. Mick December 15, 2011 at 6:50 am #

    Sometimes you can think too hard. Just Sayin’ Mick

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 6:56 am #

      @Mick, Thanks for the reminder. 🙂 aisha

  2. greengirl December 15, 2011 at 7:02 am #

    “It does mean i get all lost in the feeling and the wanting, the pleasure and the pain. Then i need to pull back and look at what i’m doing. Think about it, evaluate it.

    Maybe that’s not submissive, and maybe i won’t do that someday. But for now, that’s what i do.”

    I don’t really think that not evaluating the decisions we make is more submissive – maybe second guessing the things we do that we’ve been asked to do would be, but it seems to me that there is a lot more value and integrity in really looking at and knowing what you are giving than in blindly handing it over. It seems to me that is a deeper kind of giving and a deeper connection.

    Maybe copy this particular post to him, it explains pretty nicely how you feel.

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 8:15 am #

      Thank you, Gg,

      Maybe i could put less energy into worrying about whether i’m submissive enough, huh? Shoot, maybe that’s what Mick meant!

      And you might have a point about sharing this post with Him.

      Thanks,

      aisha

  3. Sky December 15, 2011 at 7:02 am #

    I am a Seeker, too.

    I’m sorry you are feeling pangs of uncertainty, Aisha. 😦

    I really liked your second quote. Thank you for sharing them both.

    Take care. Sky

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 8:16 am #

      @Sky,

      I’m not surprised that you’re a seeker too!

      And i’m working on embracing the uncertainty, not wishing it would go away! laughing… sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

      Thank you!

      aisha

  4. sin December 15, 2011 at 7:19 am #

    Questioning and thinking doesn’t mean you aren’t submissive. It means you are trying to understand why it works for you and where it doesn’t. I’m not at all surprised that Mick thinks you can overthink things – he’s a guy for one thing, but also he seems so solidly confident in a relationship that works really well for him/them.

    For me, thinking and evaluating how it’s going is critical. It’s what my blog is about, and it’s what lots of my relationship is about. And my Dom loves that in me, and he does a lot of it too.

    Of course you are a seeker and with a bright spirti and warm energy… the picture test is neat isn’t it??

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 8:20 am #

      @Sin,

      Ok, putting away that “i’m not submissive enough” anxiety.

      Breathing.

      And yeah, makes sense that i’m a seeker. Not surprised you’re a striver!

      Thanks, Sin.

      aisha

  5. vanillamom December 15, 2011 at 8:46 am #

    great link, thanks for posting it…i too (no surprise) am a seeker…

    and who knows…maybe your relationship is just going through growing pains…you’ve grown deeper into Him and are uncertain of what that means to Him, looks like to Him. I get that. You know how much i get that.

    I’ll say the same thing i did before…talk, or if talking is harder to get all the points across…write it out. Then talk. Talk Talk.

    (alternatively, you can talk, fuck, talk fuck, talk…you get the idea)

    (then again, that’s me being silly…and i am not making light, just trying to nudge a smile outta ya…)

    hug my dearest heartsister…

    nilla

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm #

      @ ‘Nilla,

      Lol. I kinda like the talk/fuck/ talk scenario!!

      And yes, it really could be growing pains. And for real, whatever it is will be ok.

      Thank you so much for the support.

      HUG

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. Jz December 15, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    I think we have no choice but to learn to accept uncertainty.
    Because, let’s be honest, how much do you trust certainty, anyhow? Doesn’t even the comfortable, “Now I know this” stage open up further questions?

    BG is very fond of the aphorism, “It is what it is.”
    NOT “what we make it” or “what we want it to be” – just “what it is.”
    There’s actually a lot of truth packed in there, in both the positive and negative spaces.

    Mind you, I completely understand the whole “let’s pick it apart until it bleeds” tendency — but it isn’t always a very helpful approach, either…

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

      @Jz,

      Good point The only thing certain is death… Not to be morbid, just saying…

      “it is what it is” is one of my favorite sayings too!! I’ve said it so much that I’m not allowing myself to say it for a while. Laughing… I was getting tired of hearing myself say it!

      But the trick to that is seeing what IS. Not what I want to see, or what I usually see, but just what is.

      Thank you, Jz

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  7. Faithful December 15, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

    I agree with Mick 🙂

    Enjoy today and don’t worry too much about tomorrow.

    Easy to say – but it really does help if you just sometimes try to live in the moment and enjoy .

    Life really is too short!

    ~faithful

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

      @Faithful,

      Laughing… then if i’m finding some enjoyment in my nit-picky over-thinking, it’s all good, right?

      No, seriously, good advice, Faithful.

      Thanks,

      aisha

  8. Mick December 15, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    FAITHFUL GOT MY POINT. MICK

    • aisha December 15, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

      I did too, Mick. Hugs, aisha

  9. mouse December 16, 2011 at 2:29 am #

    Everyone has already said EVERYTHING mouse would say…Next time she’ll try to get here sooner…For now just going to offer hugs!

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha December 16, 2011 at 4:29 am #

      Thanks, Mouse,

      Sometimes hugs are just what’s needed.

      HUG,

      aisha

  10. ewoman88 December 16, 2011 at 7:51 am #

    i can’t finish this quiz cuz I’m not american *grumpy face* still love you tho 😛

    • aisha December 16, 2011 at 8:01 am #

      That’s weird! Some of the other people who took it weren’t from the States. I’m sorry!!

      Hug

      Aisha.

      Sent from my iPhone

  11. yesthankyousir December 18, 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    Ive been super behind on reading stuff, sorry to see you went through some grey areas here. So happy to see you came out bright and shiny on the other side.

    Andi

    • aisha December 18, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

      Omg, andi, clearly in this case reading later is better, right? Thank you so much!

      aisha

      • Andi December 20, 2011 at 1:39 am #

        In this case it really is much better lol!

        Hugs back to you

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