10 Jan

Sir and i have a date tonight ~

~ and i have to be at work at 7 o’clock this morning.  Today and Thursday.  The only good thing about that is it gives me some flex time to leave earlier in the afternoon ~ if i don’t have appointments or things i need to do.

The house is a mess ~ again.  i don’t know how i do that… sigh.

And i need to get my nails done.

i don’t know where my time goes…

Ok.  That’s enough whining for today.  But i think i’m not feeling quite 100%, and work was a zoo yesterday.  i mean, i’d barely have time to figure out what a problem was before the next one came rolling down the hall and stopped at my door.  

Not time to solve the problem ~ just time to figure out what the issue was.

i’m not whining about that, that’s just how it was.  So i ended up mostly figuring out what i needed to deal with right away, taking care of a couple of things, and putting everything else on hold ~ um, for today.  Where it’s all waiting for me…  good thing i’m going in at 7.

Green girl wrote an interesting post here about D/s and whether or not submissives actually are “less than” the D type.  i appreciated that she didn’t just dismiss the idea {which i wanted to do too} but really thought it through first.

Of course, i don’t believe for a minute that being submissive means you are “less than,” or less valuable.     What would that even mean?  Less than, or less valuable in what way?

In the vanilla world, many of us hold positions with lots of responsibility and are in leadership roles.  Does being a leader in the vanilla world make you more valuable than someone who’s not in a position of leadership?

And i guess that speaks to what your values are, right?  Because for some people, that’s true.  Some people think that a leader who has a lot of power and status is more valuable than someone who isn’t in that position.

i think if you’re planning to kidnap someone and hold them hostage, then yes, that person would be more valuable.  {Laughing… sometimes i amuse myself… sorry}

But what would it mean to be more valuable as a person?  If you’re into power and prestige, i guess you could base it on that.  i think that’s a false value, but for some people that really is the measure of their worth.

i’m more likely to want to measure who does the greatest good, but there’s really no way to do that.  

i dated someone once who truly believed that men were better than women.  Better in the sense Gg means – have more worth.  It took me several months to realize that he really, truly believed that.  That he thought men were made in God’s image ~ and women were something below that.

{shakes head…}  It still boggles my mind.

But less than two hundred years ago, men who considered themselves philosophers and deep thinkers were still arguing about  whether or not women had souls.

So i wonder if part of this “submissives are less than” is really sexism disguised, but i don’t know.

If we go biblical, we get “blessed are the peacemakers, and the meek shall inherit the earth.”    Which could be more “submissive,” stereotypically speaking.  Although i imagine plenty of subs are neither meek nor peacemakers.

Sigh… it’s just interesting to ponder.  Without even getting into the “are submissives less than” question, it’s fun just to ponder what we would mean by “less than.”  By whose standards?

And can you compare “value” in people?  

It reminds me of that group exercise people do sometimes at workshops and such, where you have six people on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean and you have to pick which three will make it.  Typically, there’s a businessman, a nun, a mother, an artist, a child, and a hippie.  Sometimes, there’s a homeless person or a prostitute or something like that.

It’s a fun exercise, watching people argue, trying to define their values and come to an agreement on who gets to live.

But ok, enough of this, i need to go decide which problems i’m going to deal with today.  Which part of the house to tidy.  When to squeeze in getting my nails done.

Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Gg.  

What do the rest of you think?   How would you decide who has more value?  Who gets to live on your lifeboat?

14 Responses to “Values”

  1. greengirl January 10, 2012 at 7:13 am #

    Thank you for digging into this a bit. The things i had run across took me by surprise – but i suppose – really – they shouldn’t have. All kinds of people have all kinds of ideas about peoples’ value. It’s hardly unique in this community. Thanks.

    • aisha January 11, 2012 at 5:58 am #

      Thanks, Greengirl ~

      You know, I get some anxiety around this sometimes ~ i wonder if there’s a secret fear for me that maybe this submission thing is a scam and it really does mean i’m less worthy… thank goodness i know better.

      And really, i’m kind of with you ~ surprised to find that attitude in the BDSM world. i thought we knew better. But of course not. People are people wherever we are.

      Thanks for giving me so much food for thought!


  2. sin January 10, 2012 at 7:39 am #

    Well of course subs aren’t less than.

    And it’s funny how people value other people and themselves.

    I would say that Big Bad thinks it’s a convenient fiction that the Dom is valued more, or more important, than the sub in a relationship.

    But what this really makes me think of is…


    • aisha January 11, 2012 at 6:00 am #

      Hi, Sin,

      I can imagine Big Bad pretending at believing he’s “more than.” Thank goodness you know he doesn’t really feel that way!

      But sometimes i think it’s important to remember there really are folks who think like that.

      And – i have to confess – your last sentence lost me. What it really makes you think of is what????


  3. smilingsoul January 10, 2012 at 11:32 am #

    I can see how easy it is to place a submissive below the value of a Dominant, At first glance, the nature of the D/s or M/s relationship seems to lend itself to that placement. IMHO, I would suggest that those who conclude this placement, haven’t a clue about the dynamic a D/s and M/s relationships create. I would venture to say they haven’t had the experience of a healthy D/s or M/s dynamic.or they would known how much influence the Dominant and the submissive have on each other. Each grows and becomes a better person. The growth each experiences has tremendous worth, and a profound effect on themselves and others.. In an healthy D/s and M/s relationship, it becomes apparent that the Dominant and submissive are nothing without the other. The “value” then becomes equal. But then again, I wonder how many in the BDSM community have experienced this type of relationship.

    • aisha January 11, 2012 at 6:02 am #


      Yes. Well put as always. Thanks for sharing your insight.

      i would go a step further and suggest that ultimately the relationship not only enhances personal growth for each but supports them in making a difference in the community – kink, vanilla, local or global ~ some difference that’s generated because the relationship has grown and because the D and s have both grown.


      • smilingsoul January 12, 2012 at 8:30 pm #

        I agree. Positive attributes and behavoirs learned through this kind of relationship have a far reaching effect. Because of my relationship to Master, I tend to be very respectful to others (Dominant or submissive).
        I am also aware that others look to our relationship as a model. I am careful that not only do I present myself well for Him, but to the communities we are involved in, as well. We also have had a positive effect in the vanilla aspects of our lives, too. I was aware of the influence we had long before we discovered the BDSM community.

  4. Conina January 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

    I see a lot of that sort of thinking, even by certain kinds of dominants themselves. I couldn’t enter into a relationship with a person who didn’t hold my value equal to or higher than his. I say higher than, because in my ideal world, each partner thinks he or she has the better end of the bargain. 🙂

    It seems to work that way in my relationship, but I see a lot of others in which it doesn’t… both BDSM and vanilla.

    Perhaps it has to do with your own estimation of yourself. If a submissive thinks he/she is less valuable then that will attract the type of dominant who agrees?

    • aisha January 11, 2012 at 6:05 am #


      Yes, i think you’re right, there are Doms and subs who think that way.

      And that’s an interesting point – if it has to do with your own estimation of yourself. In a way, i would agree. But i more often think of it as being that if you don’t have solid self-esteem, it’s easier to get sucked into a relationship with someone who won’t value you.

      Having been in at least one of those relationships myself, maybe i have a bias here…



  5. Sir J January 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

    well written and spot on. Your comment on it potentially being sexism in disguise was great insight I think. I would advise any sub to very leery of the Dom who thinks he has more value be virtue of being a Dom.

    • aisha January 11, 2012 at 6:06 am #

      Thank you, Sir J,

      You know those words mean a lot coming from you.

      And i think it’s really helpful for us to hear from a Dominant to be leery of Doms who would think they have more value!


  6. Alice January 11, 2012 at 4:01 am #

    “Value” like “Quality” is one of those words that starts to tie you in knots when you start to think about what they actually mean especially in reference to human characteristics and life situations. So I’ve been very tangled up since I read this post trying to get my thoughts straight. Unfortunately what we value as a society – money, power and control bears little resemblance to whatwe value as individuals – caring, intelligence, empathy ( oh andfor some of us maybe a little control 🙂

    • aisha January 11, 2012 at 6:08 am #


      Good point – interesting, isn’t it? We do seem to have different values as individuals ~ and yet we individuals make up our society!

      Laughing… and yes, i’m with you on valuing a little control.


  7. vanillamom January 11, 2012 at 8:28 am #

    i actually had to think about this for a while…

    coz, first of all…if everyone is a “chief” …what are they chief of?

    There have to be …. i dunno…support staff? for things to get done. Sometimes the leader is a figurehead…and sometimes a powerful force to be reckoned with…

    How that plays into D/s? i think that leads back to my post today…that it is a very individualized thing. Much like on a public street…everyone wears their own style…i wear long skirts, and you wear jeans…neither is “wrong” … because it’s right for us.

    i’m sorry that work is chaos just now…same for my wife (and me on my shift last weekend)…what’s up with that?? Post holiday stress ramped way up…

    As to the lifeboat thing…um…yeah. That’s a discussion that would take hours and hours, wouldn’t it?

    sending calming waves your way!


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