To Tell or Not To Tell…

13 Jan

… that was the question yesterday.  Whether it was better to keep my crazy ruminating to myself or spill it out for His consideration.

Yesterday morning i was fine with waiting and watching.  By last night, driving home from work after a 12 hour day, i had pretty much slipped into losing my mind.

i knew i was getting a little crazy, i just couldn’t seem to help it.

Emotional mind.  It’s a powerful thing.

And then i really, really didn’t know what to do.  i knew where i was emotionallly didn’t feel good, and didn’t feel right, and it wasn’t going to get better by itself.  Um, i wasn’t going to start feeling better by myself.

So i texted Him.  NOT to tell Him his sub was losing her little mind, but just to let Him know what time we’re having dinner with my sister Saturday, and to ask about a friend of his who was having some health issues.

He didn’t text back right away.  i was ok with that ~ i figured i’d done something, which is better than doing nothing and quietly freaking out.  i was ok with waiting for a response.

When He answered, He was in Starbucks, and we started chatting.

It took about 5 minutes for most of my anxiety to fade away.

As that happened, my heart opened

and then, in a quick series of 3 or 4 texts, i let Him know, some of the anxiety that had been running through my mind.

A little baffled, He says, “But realistically, you know we were together 48 hours ago…” and when He puts it that way, well, yeah…

Actually, i know what happens though, how something can get distorted and blown up in my mind.  At least i think i do.  It works like this ~

Something happens ~ it could be anything ~ but whatever it is reminds me of some situation that ended with me getting hurt.  So it triggers anxiety ~ naturally.  i don’t want to get hurt again.  i want to protect myself.

So i pull back.

And that’s ok.  i pull back and try to figure out if the situation is the same or not.

That’s what we’re s’posed to do, i think.  At least at this point in a relationship, it is.  

But here’s where i can start to freak myself out.   If i’m not in good contact with the person who’s the other half of the relationship, i start to interpret that lack of close contact as a warning sign.  i pull back, and then the fact that i don’t feel as close to Him freaks me out.

Yeah.

Often, just having contact again solves the problem.  But i can reach a point where i won’t reach out.  Where i become convinced He doesn’t care about me.  Or doesn’t care anymore.  

Sometimes, that’s true.

Sometimes, it’s not.

So anyhow.  It feels a little crazy when it’s happening because it is so purely emotional mind, and i keep trying to pull myself back up on the shores of logic and reason.

Sometimes, i need a hand.

Last night, i told Sir some of what i’d been feeling because ~ you know ~ really ~

i come across as really mature and rational and well-balanced and calm.  

And mostly i really am that way.

So if i don’t show Him the underside, the shadow, that needy, anxious, scared me, then how is He supposed to know she exists?  Yeah.  He can’t.

And if He doesn’t know, He can’t help me with that part of myself.  He can’t pull me out of the depths of my own insecurity if He doesn’t know those deep riptides exist.

The way it played out this time was kind of ideal.  i dealt with my feelings ok for a while, and when it got bad, i managed to reach out in a reasonable way.   His response relieved me enough that then i could tell Him what i’d been feeling in a fairly rational way.

And now, i feel closer to Him than ever.  

Yep, this is how relationships grow.  How they unfold.  And yes.  He’s just right for me.

Smiling…

{Note:  i’m not criticizing myself when i talk about having been a little crazy and so on ~ feelings are irrational, that’s all i mean.  So it’s not a logical, reasonable head space to be in, and it feels a little out of control and crazy.  It really isn’t.}

18 Responses to “To Tell or Not To Tell…”

  1. thesubmissivebf January 13, 2012 at 6:34 am #

    I get the same exact way. You know you have something special when you can show that underbelly and he doesn’t run away.
    smiles
    butterfly

    • aisha January 13, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

      @Sbf,

      That’s so true – and particularly in BDSM relationships. I think vanilla relationships sometimes go a long time without getting there, but in kink, it’s hard to not roll right over…

      laughing…

      aisha

  2. vanillamom January 13, 2012 at 8:53 am #

    Great, real, gritty post. I understand the irrationality of that emotional mind as it runs amok. i think anyone forming as intense a relationship as a D/s one…feels that. There’s the endorphin high from being beat (which i am still riding high on, 5 days later)…and there’s the drop to “normal”…which can often pull us lower.

    How wise you are to understand that He wouldn’t have a clue as to what you were rolling around in that head of yours, without open and honest dialogue with Him.

    And you have been hurt. And recovered.

    But heart-memory is a funny thing.

    i’m *so* glad Sir X is there for you…he’s one hell of a guy…and a really dedicated, caring Dom.

    no relationship is perfect…its finding the balance that is so damned hard sometimes, isn’t it? And the courage to reach out and say “hey, i’m feeling ….”

    I’ve seen the magic dancing between you two…it’s real, it’s intense…and it is beautiful.

    Bright blessings!

    nilla

    • aisha January 13, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

      Thanks, ‘Nilla, for the blessings, and for the way you always remind me that the magic between us isn’t something that only i think is true.

      I am kind of pleased with having been able to contained the feelings for a while, and then between the two of us, we managed it pretty well, i think.

      Yes ~ i’m ~ i don’t know if entitled is the word exactly, but i’ll use that ~ entitled to watch for warning signals, and to be careful. And there will always be times when we don’t flow together, times when the child in me rises up and says, “Oh, no, wait a minute, i know where this road leads, I’m not going there again. No.”

      But that’s ok, cause yep, He’s pretty much perfect. Um, for me. And between us, we got through it.

      hugs, and thank you ‘Nilla,

      aisha

  3. Mick January 13, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Deep disclosure via text message does not seem like a good idea to me ut then my texting machine is rather primitive. No emoticons.

    Mick

    • aisha January 13, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

      @Mick

      Once again, your comment is succinct and accurate. That probably is a foolish thing to do. But it’s hard to have a phone conversation when one party is in Starbucks – probably easier to get a blow job there than have a private conversation….

      Mwhahahahahahahahah… yeah, ‘Nilla’s post today….

      aisha

  4. greengirl January 13, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    It’s so perfect that you have a way of doing this that works – that you recognize what is happening and respond in a way that letst both of you hear each other. Whatever insecurities are particular to each person i think don’t ever really disappear – but life is a lot smoother if you can manage them. Wonder if i’ll ever learn 😉

    • aisha January 13, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

      @Gg,

      But you do manage them ~ you’re still with your husband/Dom, you’re still alive, and you function… JM, the amazing analyst, says this kind of thing keeps happening, that it’s part of differentiating, and if it didn’t happen the relationship couldn’t survive. It lets us know what’s Him and what’s me, and when there’s conflict particularly, you have to be able to tease that out.

      And apparently we’re all at risk of falling deep into ~ i say emotional mind, he says falling into a complex from childhood. Either way, we can’t avoid getting a little crazy with it.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. Faerie January 13, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    I really like the term emotional mind, my husband calls it being a deep thinker, lol. I think it is one of the major differences between men and women, men seem to be able to remove the emotion and be logical much easier then women.

    Young love is a great thing, young love with the maturity brought on from experience is even better.

    • aisha January 13, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

      @Faerie,

      Yeah, interesting isn’t it? But the fact that often men go more with logic isn’t always a strength you know. They need a balance with emotional mind just as much as we need logic. At least, Linehan’s model {the DT therapist who i’m a huge follower of} says that when emotional mind and reasonable mind are talking to each other, we get wise mind. But you have to have both, to be in touch with both.

      And yesssss. {smiling} It is a wonderful thing, young love.

      aisha

  6. mouse January 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    aisha,

    This was exactly what mouse meant. It’s taken a long time to turn mouse’s edit, effectively off. It took her a long time to understand that he can’t help if he doesn’t know what the problem is. And there might not be any problem at all. He will often hand mouse a dose of rational explanation that fills the void she felt. The feelings don’t come out at that moment but are stored and do come out when it’s appropriate. Sometimes it’s in the blog, which Daddy reads and finds helpful. Sometimes it’s during pillow talk (which honestly, we’re not getting a lot of right now). Sometimes it’s a text message, which is more often than mouse will care to admit. The point is feeling safe and secure to let those feelings out. To allow him to see the “crazy,” mouse. All the little bits about herself that she hates…the doubtful, the wicked, the hurt, the triggers..

    But what happened. at least for us, is that by being honest about those things and him really really caring, he changed it. He made the angst and fears go away. Like monsters under the bed, he covered mouse in a magic bedsheet so they can’t touch her.

    Love and hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha January 13, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

      Dear Mouse,

      Yes. I hear what you’re saying. And i thought about you when i was walking out on that limb, telling him how i felt.

      i love the image of Omega and you and the magic bedsheet! like a fairytale, isn’t it? Thank you so much for your supportive comments!

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. Faithful January 13, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

    “if he doesn’t know”… I love that part of your statement and it is really so true.

    Hopefully you and Sir X can discuss more on your Sat night date ( I like Mick believe texting should be light and fun.)

    You can also go back and read some of your more positive posts and see the picture of Sir you have painted for all of us.

    You and He are a good fit. Now sit back and enjoy the ride and stop worrying so much 🙂

    ~faithful

    • aisha January 14, 2012 at 4:56 am #

      @Faithful,

      You’re right – making sure we don’t really expect them to be mind-readers is super important.

      Yeah, i don’t know that we need to talk about it more, but if we do, we will Saturday for sure.

      You’re right again when you say i have positive memories to anchor my feelings about Him, and that did help when i was in the middle of it. It would be nice if we could just avoid feeling those doubts and uncertainties ~ i’m not sure that’s realistic in the best of all possible relationships.

      No worries – i know we’re a good fit, and i’m enjoying plenty! Thanks, Faithful, for the support always!

      aisha

  8. lil January 13, 2012 at 10:10 pm #

    Mature, rational, well balanced, and calm…Perhaps one day I’ll at least be able to fake it lol.

    It’s interesting how our minds can build things up and the right conversation at the right time can change everything that our mind spent so much time obsessing about…

    • aisha January 14, 2012 at 5:02 am #

      @Lil

      Laughing… you know, i was one of those “born old” kids in some ways. It’s a blessing and a curse. Funny, i hadn’t thought of it this way, but ~ if you’re learning to be more calm, etc. maybe i’m learning to embrace the child in me that isn’t those things…

      But yeah, the conversations we have with ourselves usually benefit from outside input at some point. You know the risk is that sometimes we allow ourselves to be talked out of a valid reality. i don’t know how many times i ended up accepting some bullsh*t because some guy explained all “rationally” why what i was feeling was wrong.

      But i do love the way Sir helps me settle…. yeah.

      hugs,

      aisha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: