A Moment of Happy

29 Jan

A passionate moment, tied, hand and foot, unable to move, being ravished by my Sir?  Bent over His work table while He alternates  stinging blows of the cane with penetrating and probing my wet nether lips, forcing yet another orgasm from me?

Um, no.  

My moment of happy is not anything to do with D/s, not directly anyhow.

i didn’t get to see my Sir last night, He worked til midnight and is up and at it again this morning.  i piddled around here, had a lovely dinner on food from my new eating plan, and fell asleep on the couch early.  Slept late ~ after 6:00! and got up rested and refreshed.

My eating plan is going well, for the most part.  As of last Wednesday, i’d lost 4 pounds.  i’ll weigh again tomorrow.  More importantly, my clothes are fitting better, and i feel good.

Went to Nia again yesterday.  About half way through it, i find myself thinking, “Why am i doing this??? i can’t do this right!  i look stupid.  Everyone else is doing it better than me.  i look stupid.  i can’t do this…”  

But i persevere, and at the end, i feel really good.  So i guess it doesn’t matter if i look stupid, or if everyone else does it better.  {Which is probably not even 100% true anyhow…}  

On the video i linked to, everyone knows the moves, but it’s not like that in my class.  There are all kinds of varying degrees of skill.

This video shows some more interesting kinds of things we do.  And really, my class is more like this, where you can tell some people are struggling to follow along {if you watch the ones in the back, not the ones in the front.}

Ok, that’s probably way more Nia videos than you’d wanna see.  Sorry.

But i was sitting here at my computer about  8:30 this morning, responding to all the wonderful comments you left yesterday, thinking about the different perspectives you each offered.  And thinking about another comment i got by private message that reminded me to let Him know how i felt, not to just endure if i felt too disconnected.

i was thinking how much harder that is for me than being patient, and how not saying what i feel can lead me to that curling in on myself and withdrawing til i’ve gone away emotionally…

..and thinking how that response is “abuse reactive.”  It’s a variation of “hunker down and survive” that John Briere talks about.  A way to cope that we learn when asking for what you want and need doesn’t work.

So there i was contemplating all this, and it wasn’t even 9:00 yet, plenty of time left in the day.

i’m going to have lunch with my daughter and my sister later.  My womenfolk.  Always a good time.  

Winter Wickedness is five days away.  Just five!  How cool is that?  

We got the volunteer list yesterday.  i’m working registration from 11-1.  i was a little bit worried, because i don’t know what the class schedule is yet, and that could be at the same time as one of the classes Sir wants me for.  

For a minute or two, i was real worried, like this was going to ruin everything.  i wanted to apologize to Sir and ~ i don’t even know ~  just a big ole panicky “now you’ve messed up” moment.

Then i thought ~ o, wait, don’t be a dumb ass.  Volunteering at COPE is what got us into chocolate rooms!  

{“Chocolate rooms”  are in the part of the hotel that’s blocked off , even from staff, so you can wear whatever you want and revel in kink the whole weekend.  At least i think we’re in chocolate rooms!  i hope we are.}

But volunteering’s important.  And what’s more important, Sir X is not the type of person to blame me for ruining the weekend if one little part of it doesn’t go the way He wants it to.

Castaneda says:

“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.” 

My Sir has the spirit of a warrior.  So if i can’t be there for the rope class or the heavy flogging class, He’ll take it as a challenge to be worked around, not as something terrible that shouldn’t be happening to Him.

i remind myself that i am not in the kind of relationship where everything in the universe is my responsibility and my fault.   If we decide that missing part of a class isn’t worth having a chocolate room, then we can do it differently next time.  And i felt better about that.

And in that moment, with all of this in my head and in my heart, i was swept with a wave of happy.  It just rolled over me.  Filled me up, made me smile, left me content.

Left me grateful ~ for youall, for Sir, for my family ~ left me grateful to the universe…

12 Responses to “A Moment of Happy”

  1. sarah thorne January 29, 2012 at 11:35 am #

    That was beautiful!! 🙂

    BTW, the picture of the flogger — almost identical to one I have. It’s exquisite! 🙂

    sarah

    • aisha January 29, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

      Hi, Sarah,

      Welcome ~ thanks for reading and for commenting!

      i went over to visit your blog – how cool!! Don’t know how i’ve missed it up til now.

      And the flogger ~ yeah, it’s a nice one! i actually won mine in a raffle – i think it’s the only raffle i’ve every won.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      aisha

  2. K January 29, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Wow beautiful description, aisha…happy for your happy moment. For me those moments of happy are somehow also a reflection of forever. Not sure how! hugs..K

    • aisha January 29, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

      Thanks, K,

      i’m glad you liked it, that it spoke to you.

      “A reflection of forever.” Yeah. I can’t explain it in words, but i think i feel what you mean.

      hug,

      aisha

  3. faithful January 29, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    Happy Day on your 4lbs. It sounds like you are going about it the healthy way and not trying to drop weight too fast….

    Regarding Nia- bravo on understanding that you CAN do it and that it really doesn’t matter how you look – only how you feel and to be honest- no one is probably looking at you- they are concentrating on themselves!

    I agree with your PM sender- you have to let him know how you feel- as from everything you have told us about Sir- I doubt he wants you to withdraw at all! It’s all about communication – but you know that better than anyone else.

    Enjoy your “girls” day… 5 days and WW will come up fast!!

    ~faithful

    • aisha January 29, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

      @Faithful,

      Yes, ma’am, i’m not losing weight too fast, and am hanging in there at dance class! Laughing… sometimes you remind me of my mama. She used to say, “If people were thinking about you half as much as you think they are…” and she’d just shake her head.

      Of course i know that’s true. It’s just hard to remember that when i’m right in the middle of feeling awkward and stupid! 🙂

      And yes, no doubt, communication is the key to any relationship, isn’t it?

      Thank you, for sharing your thoughts,

      aisha

  4. MissNaida January 29, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    Weird, I ended this post with tears. Happy ones of course, I love that feeling and am remembering a time when I felt it this weekend. Even though you didn’t get to see Sir, I’d have to say a long sleep is always welcome for me. Hope you enjoyed it.

    Awesome news about the diet, I’m still wavering between 9 and 12lbs of loss but I think I’m ahead of you on day 13 now. We cheated last night and ate a piece of pizza that we made the kids and now we have to get back atter today!

    I know exactly how you feel about your classes, I felt and sometimes do feel the very same way at all the gym classes I go to here. And then I realize (like faithful mentioned) everyone else seems so busy concentrating on themselves and don’t really notice what I am doing. Now that I’ve been at the classes for a little while I am so much better, and I remember what I was like in my first couple of weeks so I’m a little nicer to newcomers 🙂

    I can’t wait to hear about WW, we don’t have anything like that close to us so we haven’t participated. I think I’d be like a kid with wide eyes and asking a million questions lol If it all works out as planned, enjoy the classes and the chocolate room xo

    • aisha January 29, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

      Dear Naida,

      Thank you for the lovely comment!

      And congratulations on being between 9 and 12 pounds! Awesome!! I last weighed the morning of Day Nine -tomorrow starts day 13. We’ll see where i’m at then!

      So I’m glad it’s gotten easier for you at the gym – I know it will for me too. The thing with Nia is there are apparently a zillion different routines, all with different rhythms and different steps… i feel like i’ll never learn them them. But i suppose eventually i will. And it doesn’t really matter, that’s important.

      If you were at WW, i’m sure you would be like a wide-eyed kid, and full of questions – i kinda am too!!! It would be fun to be at an event with you! And you know that’ll i’ll be telling you all about it.

      hug,

      aisha

  5. Striving for Peace January 29, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    You know

    I knew he was good for you
    and I knew you were happy

    but I don’t think I realized how healing this is for you

    I wonder if you know how much your words flow out and cover us
    like a warm comforting blanket

    thank you for this

    sfp

    • aisha January 29, 2012 at 7:49 pm #

      @Sfp,

      Yeah.

      Sometimes i don’t realize how much healing is happening until i write about it. It’s funny cause then i recognize where the wounded places are, and i can see it happening ~ the healing.

      Yeah.

      And i’m glad my words have that effect for you. Nice. When i first read your comment, i thought, like a lullaby i’m singing to myself…

      funny, huh?

      hug,

      aisha

  6. vanillamom January 29, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

    what a nice place to be in, at 930 in the morning…riding a rolling wave of happy…

    how brilliant of you to shine a light on that panic and push it away…and realize that Sir X is not the type to be distressed unduly at such a thing as volunteering for two hours…*smiling*

    and about the aerobic dance (too late and too tired to go look, tho i will in the morning, promise)…i’ll bet that if there are 20 of them there? 3 think they are the cats meow, 3 more think they’ve FINALLY gotten the routines down RAWR, and everyone else is saying…omg i suck at this why am i doing this omg i look so stupid…

    *laughing*

    big hug sis

    (tiredly wrote ‘bug hug’ …good thing i fixed that, huh?? LOL)

    nilla the zombie who really should not stay away until 130 a.m. ever again…

    • aisha January 30, 2012 at 5:00 am #

      @’Nilla,

      “Bug hug…” laughing…love that! 1:30 a.m. is awfully late for you to be up!

      It was lovely.

      And I think you’re absolutely right about the people in exercise class – i do know that at the beginning of class… laughing…

      Hope you got some sleep!

      hugs, {but not bug hugs}

      aisha

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