Asking

17 Feb

Yesterday, Faithful had encouraging words for me about my reluctance to ask for what i want.  She noted:

“As my Mother says…… the worst that could happen is the person could say “NO”.”

And that made me laugh.  My mother used to say that too.  i didn’t believe it when she said it either.

My mother was a tremendously strong and wonderful woman who had survived all kinds of hardships and built a good life for herself.  And i’m fortunate that she passed on so much of that strength.  But she was wrong about this one.

If i ask for something, the worst that can happen is not that the person says “no.”  The worst that can happen is ~~

~ they think i’m weak, needy, and helpless.

~ they think i’m stupid and incompetent.

~ they think i’m too demanding, too clinging, too pathetic.

~ they think all of the above.

The worst that can happen is they don’t want me anymore.  They decide i’ve asked for too much.  They recognize that  i want more than they want to give.

They leave.

THAT’S the worst that can happen.  And then it will be my fault because i drove them away.  Because i asked too much.

Ok, ok, ok.  Yes, i know that’s not rational.  i totally know that.  

It is all in my head.  Well, mostly in my head.

i know that this is the residue of childhood issues with my father.  You don’t have to be Freud or Jung to figure that out ~ you don’t even have to be JM, the amazing analyst.

In my head, i know it’s not reasonable.  My dad left because of who he was.  He didn’t actually leave because i needed him.

My mother taught me to rely on myself because that was the lesson her life had taught her.  And it wasn’t a bad lesson.  For sure, for the most part, it’s worked well for me too.

But it makes it damn hard to ask.

In the comments yesterday, Jade said:

“i think that asking for what you truly need in life is very vulnerable……and very brave.”

Thanks for those words ~ i know that’s true for me.  

All that conversation that goes on sometimes about the benefits of BDSM and TTWD ~ for me, this is where it ends up.

When i ask my Sir for something ~ whether it’s more attention, a spanking, or whatever ~ it does make me feel very vulnerable.  In fact, it stirs up those darn childhood feelings of hope and anxiety.

It opens an old wound.

When my Sir comes back, as He did, with a response that reassures me it was ok to ask, the scared, holding my breath recedes, and hope grows, and some healing of that old wound happens.

i don’t think He necessarily has to agree to what i’ve asked for. i think it’s sufficient that He lets me know it’s ok to ask.  That He clearly doesn’t think i’m  weak, needy, helpless, stupid, incompetent, demanding, clinging, or pathetic.

That He won’t leave because i asked.  Because THAT would be the worst that could happen.

18 Responses to “Asking”

  1. thesubmissivebf February 17, 2012 at 6:14 am #

    A great topic because i’ve been in that situation. With the same doubts and fears. Not logical but very real at the time.
    Good for you to be vulnerable and realize that the world won’t fall apart.
    hugs
    butterfly

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 7:24 am #

      Thanks, Butterfly, it is good, and it feels good!

      hugs

      asiha

  2. sin February 17, 2012 at 7:07 am #

    Yes, and mine plays with saying yes or no, based on what he wants, rather than what I want. Which does suck sometimes. And I have to remember that he isn’t going to leave because I asked.
    -sin

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 7:26 am #

      @Sin –

      Yes – and that’s part of the beauty of TTWD! Because then you know that he’s not just going along with you because he’s afraid to go with what he wants. You know that if he does what you ask, for sure it’s because he wants to.

      i’m thinking that makes it a lot scarier though, when he says no. But every time he doesn’t leave is another opportunity to heal – at least that’s how I imagine it.

      aisha

  3. Striving for Peace February 17, 2012 at 7:21 am #

    Yes — that is what we fear the most.

    and we forget

    that

    TTWD?

    is pretty much designed to make us needy and dependent
    to create vulnerability.

    sigh

    and there’s needy….and there’s NEEDY

    as long as you’re not ducked down in your car watching his house at night
    I think you’re doing ok

    hugs

    sfp

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 7:27 am #

      @Sfp,

      Laughing… yes, there’s that whole other layer of lesson about it being ok to be “needy” in the not too pathetic sense. i don’t even want to go there.

      LOL – not ducked down in my car watching his house. Not now, not ever!

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. vanillamom February 17, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    GREAT post…and of course, you even have D/s precedent for that feeling. Your rope Sir was good when you were together…but not any kind of a support system when you needed it.

    All steps to growth, all steps leading to your Sir X, but all still painful lessons in “don’t ask”.

    All i can say to that is “you’ve come a long way, subbie”!!

    Hug,

    nilla

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

      @’Nilla,

      Laughing… i have come a long way, haven’t i? And you too!

      Yes. You’re right. And before BDSM, i had all kinds of relationships that were not about having someone to rely on. Absolutely.

      More reason to celebrate now, right?

      aisha

  5. faithful February 17, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    I am vulnerable at times too.. but I do believe that if it is meant to be.. it will be- and my requests or actions (as long as they are not insane or damaging) will not drive someone away.

    If they do… . then that person was not for me.

    I am glad you are able to heal with your relationship with Sir and that he reaffirms that asking will not always bring a negative response.

    ~faithful

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

      @Faithful,

      Yes. You’re absolutely right, and in my head, I totally agree with you.

      aisha

  6. jade February 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    How i define “Love”….
    Love: The Healing Art.

    You are giving him a chance to help you heal each time you ask and there is tremendous power and trust in communicating your needs with him. You know that.

    What if he left because you never asked for what you really needed and there was a deep disconnect because he wasn’t really trusted?

    i think that most Dominants do need to be needed, on some level.

    What if he stayed because you show your vulerability so beautifully that he wants to be The One?

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

      @Jade,

      Beautiful.

      Thanks.

      aisha

  7. caile February 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    I have thought the same thing, felt the same way, and had all those worries. Hugs!!

    I so agree it is very hard to ask someone else for something, I don’t rely on others. When I do ask it is usually something very important to me.

    I am trying very hard to be more open and communicative, and I keep telling my self if they do not listen and at least acknowledge then it isn’t me, it’s them. I am probably settling and need to move on. At least that is what I tell myself. 🙂

    Good Luck!

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

      @Caile,

      Yes. And all we can do is work on it, try to be more open, try to communicate. Of course you’re right, if they don’t listen, they’re not the right one, and it is time to move on. Absolutely.

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. Jz February 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    I’m torn on this. Because I do completely get it, honestly.
    But on the other hand, I also cannot shake the thought, “if me being honest and asking makes him leave, then wtf do I want with him anyhow?”
    (just another little sampling of the pinball game that is my thought process…)

    • aisha February 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

      @Jz,

      Yes!!

      Of course, that’s EXACTLY right!

      Good Lord, woman, i’ve been divorced twice, and ended a few other relationships BECAUSE i keep learning and growing and not settling for less than i want. I’m quite capable of saying, “Oh – no, not you.”

      So – and really, this message is to Faithful too – it’s not even about that. It’s about the part of me that’s still dealing with the feelings i had when i was a little girl and needed my Dad and he was not there, and not gonna be there. It’s not even really about Grown-up Me. It’s about the leftover feelings of wondering how i could get him to be there, and eventually accepting that he wasn’t ever going to be again but somehow thinking it was something i did.

      So yes. If asking makes him leave, i’m well rid of him. The struggle is inside me. If he’s not gonna be there for me, I know what to do, and i can do it.

      The “pinball game” in your mind is most likely just emotional mind/rational mind. Makes perfect sense.

      And yes. If he really doesn’t want me to ask for what i need and want, he’s not going to last long.

      hugs,

      aisha

  9. Giggling Bunny February 18, 2012 at 1:31 am #

    Awww I can relate to the feeling that by asking, he will leave. I have abandonment issues of my own because of my parents and other men that have been in my life in the last few years. Thankfully, Daddy has basically told me that he is willing to work out just about anything with me and he’s in it for the long haul….and I believe him…and I’m so grateful.

    • aisha February 18, 2012 at 4:53 am #

      @Giggling Bunny,

      Yes, that’s closer to what i’m talking about. But it’s a feeling thing – it’s not rational. Rationally, i know what i’m thinking is ridiculous.

      But i’m so happy for you, that you’ve found what you need.

      hugs,

      aisha

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