Wandering Thoughts

18 Feb

Just for the record.

When i talk about my fear of being “left” by Him, it is purely emotional.  My mind ~ my rational mind ~ knows that’s ridiculous, on many levels.  

It’s ridiculous because of course He’s not going to leave because i want Him to spank and fuck me, or because i’m brazen enough to ask Him for it.

It’s ridiculous because if He did leave because of that, of course He wouldn’t be worth shedding tears over.

It’s ridiculous because i’m perfectly capable of surviving on my own.  i’ve been divorced from my first husband about 15 years, and lived alone for nine or ten of those years.  

Here’s the thing.  If i dismiss my emotional mind ~ laugh at it, write if off as silly ~ it doesn’t go away.  It gets quiet, but it’s still there, lying in wait to trip me up when i least expect it.

If i don’t honor that part of myself, that part of my experience, then i am more likely to end up reacting from that frame of mind.  Without thinking about it, without realizing what i’m doing, just acting from that emotional space.

You know, it’s really the 9 year old, still alive inside me, who didn’t want her Daddy to leave.

So when she pops her head out, i can be mean to her, and tell her to shut up and go away, that she’s stupid and ridiculous.  Or i can say hi, give her a hug and listen to her .  

Most of the time, i can listen and reassure her.

But every once in a while, she’s noticed something i wasn’t paying attention to.  Some red flag that i need to notice.  At those times, i need to listen and thank her!

But it occurred to me that my last post maybe made it sound like i really am that insecure all over, which is totally not the case, so i thought i’d clarify.  Maybe too psychological for these pages, but there it is.

On a whole different note, i’ve been looking at quotes by African-American women and discovered a writer (you know, new to me) named Audre Lorde.    Some of her quotes resonated with me and seemed to fit with BDSM in some way.  

For example:

“Pain is important: how we evade it, how we succumb to it, how we deal with it, how we transcend it.” 

And then:

“My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences.” 

And even though she’s not talking about kink at all there, it makes me think of how many of us spent years not talking about what we wanted and needed, not acknowledging our submission – or our dominance.  

It makes me think about the community we’ve formed, here on-line.  A safe space to speak our truths, to explore them with each other.

Smiling…  i love youall.

18 Responses to “Wandering Thoughts”

  1. sin February 18, 2012 at 8:01 am #

    Saying it out loud (or writing it down) makes it more real in a way. It legitimizes my thoughts. It lays it out on the table for me to examine. “Is this reality or something else?” It makes it possible for that to be the truth and by doing so, perhaps it settles it enough for me to move past it to the next truth. Or something like that.

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:46 am #

      Thanks, Sin – yes. I think that makes perfect sense. Writing it down lets me take a step back and look at it.

      aisha

  2. Striving for Peace February 18, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    I need to be nicer to that 9 yr old too

    Thanks for reminding me

    sfp

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:47 am #

      @Sfp,

      Yes!! Your 9 year old needs love and care too…

      smiling,

      aisha

  3. faerie February 18, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    I just got the chance to read your last 2 posts. It is comforting to know that at some point or another what I’m feeling is normal and others experience it too. Thank you for sharing and your insight is awesome.

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:48 am #

      @faerie,

      Yeah, it’s pretty cool isn’t it – discovering that no matter what’s going on in your head, it’s not really that weird or different from the rest of us. That is often a consolation for me!

      Thank you.

      hug,

      aisha

  4. Andip February 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    What you said about honoring versus not hinting that side of you made me smile. As I’m a firm believer in living in the real world and face your emotions. My ex often asks me why I was sad or crying or angry, I think it’s unfair and unrealistic to live in a healthy emotional environment and not FEEL or experience what all of that brings( even the fear of be deserted ). I’m glad you publish everyday and allow us a chance to see your world through your eyes.

    • Andip February 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

      Please excuse ALL of my typos lol, made a promise never to post from my phone. But then I’d actually need to read from my computer, lol most days it seems like too much work.

      • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:50 am #

        Hey, no worries, i read typoese. I think we all do.

        aisha

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:49 am #

      @Andi,

      Thanks for the kind words. i totally agree, and the better i get at letting myself feel what i feel and recognizing it as a feeling, the richer and more complete my life gets.

      Thank you.

      aisha

  5. mouse February 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    Yep yep…totally get what your saying…those quotes are very fitting!

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:51 am #

      @Mouse,

      Thank you! I”m glad you liked the quotes. She’s awesome.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. jade February 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    http://www.jstor.org/pss/3856702

    i thought you might like this. Adrienne Rich and Audre Lorde are two of my most favorite authors. i often founds that their words transformed me and went beyond their intention…giving voice to all people who learn to speak their differences. That is the power of art and so, perhaps that was their true intent afterall.

    i loved “On Secrets, Silence, and Shame” and “Twenty-One Love Poems.”

    There is much there that is salient to us.

    “The Floating Poem, Unnumbered” made me swoon the first time i read it and i had no idea (at 17) that the author was speaking of Lesbian Love, only that she had the grace to let love breathe and define itself without fear or shame.

    For the record, i knew *exactly* what you were doing with your inner nine year old. My inner five year old is stil lwaiting for a promised pony

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:54 am #

      Ok, so the link only takes me to the first page of what looks like a fascinating article that I can’t access, so i’m gonna assume the quote at the top of the page is what you were sharing, and whether it was or not, it’s a fabulous quote and I love it. Thank you.

      I will have to read some of the poetry. For sure. Even the titles capture me.

      And I hope your five-year old gets her pony someday!!

      many hugs,

      aisha

  7. MissNaida February 18, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    love you too ❤

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 10:55 am #

      MissNaida,

      🙂

      aisha

  8. caile February 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    I so do not think you are insecure!! I believe you are a strong women and that is shown by the fact that you are able to verbalize your insecurities.

    I think everyone has insecurities, but many don’t ever so speak it aloud. By saying these things you let all the rest of us know we are not alone!!

    Thank you!!

    • aisha February 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

      Thanks, Caile! I appreciate the support – for real, I agree. If we don’t speak what we feel, we are all isolated – and that’s hardly ever helpful!

      aisha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: