Smiling Soul and BOLD 2012

24 Feb

My friend, Smiling Soul, who you may know through comments here and on other blogs, went to BOLD 2012 with her Master this month.  A leather conference “Defining Male Dominant/Female Submissive Het Leather Dynamic,” you can go here for more information about the conference in general.

i had asked Smiling Soul to tell me about the classes and workshops she went to, and she’s started that process.  i want to share part of what she told me about a class by slave namaste, who you can read about right here.

Here’s part of what SS told me:

The Four Agreements for Surrendered Hearts by slave namaste
This class is based on the book The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. I am guessing you have heard of or even read this book.

slave namaste felt the four agreements are very useful for the sub/slave in their interactions with their Doms/Masters.  Although there was more to this class than what I am going to focus on here, I think the four agreements are the most important. The four agreements are

  1. Be Impeccable with your Word
  2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
  3. Don’t Make Assumptions, and
  4. Always Do Your Best.

Here is a link to a website that gives a brief explanation of each agreement. I really like this website btw.

I will take each of the four agreements and apply to the D/s or M/s dynamic
1.  Be Impeccable with your Word
Always be honest and say what you mean. The information you give to your Dom or Master is useful to Him to be sure to provide the best guidance or protection. As I say, communication is the key. I would also add to think carefully before you communicate. My added thought: I think it is important to get at what you are really asking. We often think we are saying what we mean, but in reality we mean a different thing.

i read the book The Four Agreements several years ago.  At the time, it had seemed sound but simplistic.  i sort of nodded, “o, yes, of course,” and went on.

Today, as i think about how it applies to my relationship with Sir, i am more interested.  

As a child, a teenager, even a younger adult, i was not always “impeccable with my word.”  Um, actually, i lied to authority on a fairly regular basis.  i lied about all kinds of things.

i lied about where i was going, what i was going to do when i got there, and who i was going to be doing it with.  i lied about why i didn’t have my homework, and occasionally about whether or not i’d cleaned the bathroom.   i lied so i could do what i wanted to do, and i lied to keep people from being mad at me or upset with me.

i was a good liar.  Believable.  i looked innocent and virtuous.  People tended to believe me.  And i didn’t usually get caught.

i suppose i should feel bad about it now, feel guilty and ashamed.  But i don’t.  i read somewhere that people lie when they don’t think they can get their needs met by telling the truth, and i think there’s wisdom there.  

i know that developmentally, there’s a stage at which young children need to lie.  They’re discovering that they’re capable of dissembling -up to that point, they think people {especially mom or dad} actually can read their minds.  It’s part of our psychological growth to discover that it’s possible to deceive.  

Anyhow, this is not really the confessional, and if there are righteously honest subsisters out there, i’m sure they’re appalled by me.  And that’s ok too.  

i lied about facts, mostly.  Particularly as i got older, it became a point of honor not to lie about things that i thought mattered.  i never told anyone i loved them unless i did.   Never promised something i didn’t intend to follow through on.  And it became really important to me that i be honest with myself.  

Nowadays ~ i hardly ever purposely lie.  

My mother was an “I always tell the truth, I NEVER lie” kind of person, and she wasn’t so good with shades of gray.  You know me, i live in the gray.  And ~

There are so many ways of being less than impeccable with one’s word.  Sometimes, we don’t know our own truths ~ does that count as a lie?  What if someone asks me something and it’s none of their business?  Do i have to say “nunya?”  Or can i evade?

What if i let someone believe something that isn’t 100% true?  Am i obligated to delve into their assumptions and correct them?

What if my choice to tell the truth will hurt someone else?  Am i obligated to do it then?

Maybe that’s why i didn’t pursue this agreement back when i first read it.   i’m not saying it’s not true and valuable, it is.  It just didn’t speak to me.  On the other hand ~~

~~ when i think about it in context of my relationship with my Sir ~~

well, yes.  i want to be as honest with Him as humanly possible.  As transparent as it’s possible to be.  Absolutely.  

And the thought of it turns me on a little bit.  Don’t ask me what that’s about.  It just does.

{Thanks, Smiling Soul, for sharing your experience and getting me started on this – hope you don’t mind the strange path this post took…}

17 Responses to “Smiling Soul and BOLD 2012”

  1. vanillamom February 24, 2012 at 9:14 am #

    Wrote a whole long thing then deleted it. Sigh.

    my name is nilla and i’m a liar.

    i lie to be with my Master.

    I was taught a valuable lesson in my early days as a sub to never, ever lie to people you are playing with…so in this life? I never, ever lie.

    On the other side? Not so much there, either, only as much as necessary to be able to maintain a relationship with my Master.


    • aisha February 24, 2012 at 10:09 am #

      “…people lie when they don’t think they can get their needs met by telling the truth, and i think there’s wisdom there…”

      No judgment here, ya know. I live in the gray…



      • vanillamom February 24, 2012 at 10:41 am #

        *giant sized hug*

  2. mouse February 24, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    The impeccable part mouse has got pretty down…lately she’s been saying all kinds of VERY honest shit that she could keep to herself.

    What really struck her were the don’t make assumptions and do your best…

    The first mouse has been doing a lot of and the second…well not so much…



    • aisha February 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm #


      i don’t know – i think honest is good. And i’d bet you’re doing your best too. But what do i know, right?



  3. greengirl February 24, 2012 at 10:59 am #

    I hadn’t heard of this before. I’m glad you posted it. I’ve been really really struggling with how to move forward and this let me see – not a way forward – but at least why i’m stuck. I don’t lie – at least not outright – but i do withhold – because i take things personally, because i make assumptions. I’m trying more honest honesty – we’ll see… thanks.

    • aisha February 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm #


      O, cool ~ i’m glad it spoke to you! It’s like it says on the website, these things are simple, but they’re really hard to live.



  4. lil February 24, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    For me, I think the honesty and transparency is such a turn on because it makes us so much closer. It removes even the invisible little barriers that we erect in our lives and leaves…Just us.

    Perhaps I’m a bit like your mother on this one, but the world itself is grey. So it’s difficult to exist in black or white, to live that all or nothing approach…

    Wonderful post!

    • aisha February 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm #


      i think you’re right ~ honesty and transparency create intimacy and a sense of being seen. i think we all want that.

      And things would be easier if it were all black and white, wouldn’t it?

      Thanks, i’m glad you liked it!


  5. little monkey February 24, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    You’ve been peeking into my head again, aisha. I have been struggling with a post about deception. This struck me right in the heart.

    “i read somewhere that people lie when they don’t think they can get their needs met by telling the truth, and i think there’s wisdom there.”

    Hi, I’m monkey, and I’m a liar. sigh.

    • aisha February 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

      Dear LM,

      Actually, i have a special crystal ball that shows me exactly what you’re thinking….

      Ok, i’m glad it spoke to you.

      For what it’s worth, i think we’re all liars some of the time, by commission or omission. But you know, it can be helpful to look at it. And it sounds like that’s what you’re doing…


  6. smilingsoul February 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    You are welcome, aisha. I don’t mind the direction my notes took you. When a thought provoking essay (or notes in the case) comes our way, we get what we ready to understand and process. It is pretty remarkable how a message is tailored to the needs of the reader.

    “What if my choice to tell the truth will hurt someone else? Am i obligated to do it then?”

    When do I tell another person the truth? I have often struggled with this myself. I think you can, but in a way where an individual is not singled out and always convey the intent behind the conversation. Please not think I go around telling people the brutal truth. I am careful to note when it is my place to do so.

    As for my dynamic with Y, I struggle with this a lot, but I have learned to better at being truthful and honest, including when I see Him make a mistake. It can be painful and the fear of repercussions can make transparency difficult. But my rewards are many. He trusts me to not be His “yes man”. He will often come to me for my opinion and will think about what I have said. He loves me deeply regardless of my faults. Another reward: He is tender when the hurt and vulnerable child that resides in me is exposed. He will not leave despite what He knows about me. He knows me as no one really has a right to know me. I have grown as a person and in my dynamic because I chose to trust Him with the truth and with my truth. Still, it is good to be reminded how important it is to “Be Impeccable with your Word”.

    • aisha February 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

      Good Lord, Smilingsoul, your comments would make good blog posts!

      i was feeling pretty self-confident til you started talking about being honest when you see Him making a mistake. Sheesh. That’s a whole other area for me to contemplate. i might be ok there, but i hadn’t even thought about that.

      you’re right – figuring out when to speak up and when not to can be a real challenge.

      And i love the way you describe your relationship with your Master. That sounds very like what i want…

      Thank you again – looking forward to hearing more!


      • smilingsoul February 25, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

        Please don’t be hard on yourself. We have been together for 22 years; married for 18. We have built a life together and had to depend on one another. That creates opportunities for developing the type of relationship we have. It looks so fantastic because we have had years of practice and learned from lots of mistakes. We have smoothed a lot of the rough spots and in the process grown up together.

        I also must make a note about pointing out when He makes mistakes. I only point out the kind of mistakes that have a great impact on Him or our family life. There is learning when one makes a mistake. I wouldn’t want to deny Him that opportunity. It takes a bit of wisdom to know when to say something. So when I do point out one, He knows I do because it must be important.

      • aisha February 26, 2012 at 7:45 am #

        Thanks, Smiling Soul,

        Of course you’re right, i don’t get to start out with the benefits of a long-term relationship that both parties have worked at!! It’s just nice to have an image of where i want to be someday.

        Ok, that helps, on the pointing out mistakes, save me the time and trouble of having to weigh it out myself. Cause my tendency for sure is to sit back and let things unfold…



  7. smilingsoul February 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    slave namaste has posted her thoughts regarding BOLD 2012 on Master Obsidian and her website, House Obsidian. BOLD 2012 was quite controversial because it focused on Male Dominant Het Leather/female submissive relationships. Here are her thoughts on the conference

    • aisha February 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

      Hey, SS,

      This was way cool too ~ thanks!


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