“Helping”

29 Feb

Sir is not feeling well ~ a cold, allergies ~ one of those kinds of things.

i want to help.  i want to take Him chicken soup, rub His feet, fluff His pillow.

Now understand that i’m not really very good at any of that sickbed stuff, and in fact, i get bored with it pretty quickly.  i mean, once you’ve fed, rubbed, and fluffed, what’s left?

But the urge to do it is strong today.

When i’m sick, i mostly prefer to be left alone, with little bits of attention from time to time.  But mostly i just want to sleep.

And actually, Sir seems to be pretty much that way too.  

But we’d planned to do something tonight.  

i’ve been particularly looking forward to it, partly because Thursday, i have to go to the funeral home.   It’s  the kind of funeral home thing where i’m close to the survivor and knew the deceased, and it was a sudden death, and i will need to stay a fairly long time, and i’m totally not looking forward to it, of course. .  Sir has offered to accompany me, which is sweet, and makes me feel good, but of course i don’t want him to spend several hours there, and He couldn’t take off work for it anyhow, which i’m going to do, so ~ yeah, i don’t know exactly what to plan.  We’ll see

In any case, tonight would be a pleasure, time for us.  

The munch is this Saturday, and i’d like to go to that, although we haven’t talked about it yet, but He’s usually good with that.  So then for sure i want alone time tonight.  And ~ and ~

~ of course if He’s sick, He’ll need ~~~ um, what?

You know, i want to jump up and down, wave my arms, and call out, “Let me help!! me!  me!!  Call on me!! i’ll be right over!” 

Yeah.  Probably not so helpful.

So i’m letting go.  i know that He knows i want to help.

Um, actually, i might have done the jumping up and down, waving my hand in the air thing last night.  Figuratively that is.

So i’ll back off.  Wait for Him tell me what He needs tonight.  That’s what helping is really about, right?

Sigh…

This is a symbolic sitting at His feet  and waiting for instructions.  i know that.  i get that.

It’s just not nearly as much fun as doing it for real, with all the sensual underpinning of leaning into Him, touching and stroking and…

ok, enough of that.  i can’t do those things, certainly not right now.

i will not email Him to tell Him i want to help.  i will not email Him to tell Him that i’m not going to tell Him how much i want to help.  

i have already sent Him my “good morning” email.  

i need to remember, this is not about me.  i don’t need to ask Him to reassure me that He’ll let me help if He wants me to.  i don’t need to give Him permission not to need help.  

This is not about me.

They also serve who only stand and wait.  

14 Responses to ““Helping””

  1. Mick February 29, 2012 at 6:16 am #

    “Not about Me” is always a hard lesson to learn and remember after you learn it.

    Mick

    • aisha February 29, 2012 at 7:32 am #

      Hey, Mick – I know! You’d think at my age i’d have it down, but i think it’s forever… aisha

  2. thesubmissivebf February 29, 2012 at 6:30 am #

    Let’s hope he gets well soon.
    smiles
    butterfly

    • aisha February 29, 2012 at 7:32 am #

      Thanks, Butterfly!!

      aisha

  3. Striving for Peace February 29, 2012 at 6:35 am #

    Just spend some time together

    I’m sure that by taking the pressure off of him
    so that he doesn’t have to be “ON”
    will be soothing

    hope he feels better soon
    (and sorry for your loss)

    sfp

    • aisha February 29, 2012 at 7:34 am #

      @Sfp,

      O, that would be nice, but no, He’s not going to want me around. It’s not like you guys – it’s not like this is our only opportunity to be together for weeks. It’s totally not.

      And really, i’m the same way. I don’t want someone around when i’m sick, you know, unless i literally need the to bring me food or something. But i’d rather not even feel a need to talk.

      So yeah. “Feeling better soon” is my best hope! 🙂

      And thank you.

      aisha

  4. sin February 29, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    Sorry for your loss.

    And really don’t you think it’s better this way, just wanting to help and not able? Especially if, as you say, you aren’t very good at it? You’d get bored with it, remember?

    • aisha February 29, 2012 at 7:35 am #

      @Sin,

      Thank you.

      And ~ omg ~ ok, yes, good point. Laughing… It’s a lot easier to bemoan not getting to “help” when there’s little chance of that being reversed!

      Yep.

      Thanks for seeing that!

      aisha

  5. vanillamom February 29, 2012 at 8:53 am #

    i did smile.

    okay and just a`wee tiny giggle..”i will not text him to tell him i’m not going to txt him..” omg that was hysterical—and spot on. i totally and completely grok this,

    i do.

    M had to travel on business–my email is almost non-existent, and even texts are sporadic. and gosh its only been a few days since i got beat, and fucked…

    so–no. im not gonna text him to tell him i won’t text him…see? we are in the same fucking boat!

    nilla

    • aisha March 1, 2012 at 6:35 am #

      @’Nilla ~

      i know – it is funny, isn’t it?? The way our minds work…

      and it often amazes me how often we ARE in the same darn boat!

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. Sky February 29, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    I hope your Sir feels better soon. I am sure he doesn’t like feeling sick.

    I’m with you – I don’t like people around me when I am sick. Just leave me some water and let me sleep LOL

    I know where you are coming from though – wanting to reach out to him, fluff his pillows, bring him a magazine, soup, TLC etc.

    Maybe when he is all better you could give him a nice massage or something? Still pamper him but AFTER he’s better!

    • aisha March 1, 2012 at 6:37 am #

      Thanks Sky, i’m sure He will feel better soon – well, unless he has this awful crud that’s going around that’s keeping people sick for weeks… no. Not gonna think about that.

      Yes, of course i can do that ~ pamper Him when He’s feeling better, when He can actually enjoy it, right? Something for me to look forward to anyhow…

      Thanks,

      aisha

  7. mouse March 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    Yesterday…O and mouse had some problems…now eventually we did work through them and are better for it…

    But gotta say the whole day…wanting to call him..wanting to text…wanting to call to ask if he tried to call…Which is eerily close to texting about not texting…

    And mouse didn’t…now partly that was because 1. He needed distance and space, 2. Deep down mouse was terrified what the answer would have been. Instead she checked the blog like a 1000x to see if he moderated a comment. Seriously…

    Now that we’re fine again, really good..better than a long time, mouse can really see the amount of restraint needed for that kinda wisdom.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha March 2, 2012 at 7:26 am #

      Hi, Mouse,

      Yes – funny – calling to see if he’d tried to call would definitely be in the same category! And checking to see if he moderated a comment would be a lot like what i do sometimes – checking to see if He’s done anything on facebook – particularly if He’s “liked” anything I posted.

      I’m so glad you two are fine again!!!! And yeah, it takes some serious restraint, doesn’t it?

      Hugs,

      aisha

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