My Sir

5 Mar

Something happened the other day, and Sir didn’t respond the way i thought He would, the way i expected.  It hurt my feelings.

Actually, it triggered a massive rush of hurt way beyond proportion to the actual situation.  i knew my response was out of proportion, but i still felt it.

i cried.  i was by myself, at home, and i cried, you know, a significant amount.

i tried to distract myself, but every time i thought about it, i started crying again.

So i started an email to Him.  i wrote a draft and left it.  Came back and worked on it some more.  Put it aside.  Let more time go by.

i remembered to use “i-messages.”  i said, “When {this} happened, i felt {this.}  i thought {this.}

Every time i started to minimize or dismiss what i was saying, i deleted it.  i didn’t say “This might seem silly,” even though it might have.  i didn’t say, “i know i’m probably over-reacting” even though i thought i might have been.  i didn’t apologize for what i felt or thought.  i didn’t take it back or act like it wasn’t important.  i didn’t try to excuse Him, didn’t say “i know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings,” or any of that.

i just told Him how what i thought and how i felt.

Then i went on to talk about some other things ~ our plans for the weekend, some response to His last email.  So the message wasn’t all about my hurt feelings.  But i was clear about them.

This was hard for me.  The situation triggered memories of times when people ~ generally the men i’ve known ~ have taken it for granted that i can take care of myself and they don’t need to be concerned.  Don’t need to give me a thought.  Can just assume i’ll manage somehow.

And really, ok, yes, the truth is i can frigging take care of myself.  Can manage somehow.  But when that’s just taken for granted, it really hurts my feelings.

Back when i was involved with MoR {remember him?} he used to tweak me about this.  He called it “being too competent for your own good.”

And i always thought he was right, in a way.  But my goal is to live somewhere between the extremes of “always broken, please save me,” and “so strong i don’t need anyone ever.”  Because, you know, that’s the reality.  i am somewhere in that middle ground.

It was evening before i was satisfied with my email to Sir.  i sent it with just a touch of anxiety, not too much.

i was a little more anxious when i didn’t hear anything back by early the next morning.   Not panicky.  Not upset.  But a little tense.

i reminded myself that He’s working an awful lot, and that He wouldn’t answer impulsively or carelessly.

But when the email from Him popped up on my iPhone, i held my breath as i opened it.

And i knew from the first sentence that it would be ok.

He explained His perspective ~ not in a “how could you blame me for that?!” way, but just in a clear, simple, “here’s where my head was, here’s why that happened,” kind of way.

He apologized.  Clearly and simply, without excuses or minimizing.  Just apologized.

He told me something He’s going to do that will, to some extent, remedy the situation that caused the problem. Not in a ‘look what I’m doing, you should appreciate this!!” way.   Just in a way that showed i really do matter to Him.

It was soothing balm for my heart.

It was what JM {the amazing analyst} calls a “redemptive experience.”  The situation triggered feelings of hurt that go way back.  The way Sir responded showed me that this time, this relationship is different, it’s not a re-run of old stories.

it was a wonderfully healing moment.  It makes me glad to be His.


i understand March is question and answer month in the blogosphere.  If you have any questions ~ although i can’t imagine what i haven’t already told you ~ but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.   

i tried to update my “about” page today to include my email address, but somehow failed to save, it, so that’s on my to-do list. Until then, if you have a question, feel free to ask in the comments, or email me at:

17 Responses to “My Sir”

  1. Mick March 5, 2012 at 6:37 am #

    the art of apology is under attack.

    Some say apologizing is a sign of weakness and You shouldn’t apologize if something was just a “mistake”, as opposed to intentional. (as in sorry we burned your Korans).

    Some apologies are bogus (as in ” I apologize if you misinterpreted why I called you a slut”).

    So give your Sir credit for getting that right.

    • aisha March 5, 2012 at 7:25 am #

      You’re so right, Mick.

      And interestingly, in my vanilla life, i’m in the midst of some stuff around apologies where i’m on the “making amends” side of the equation. It’s kind of challenging. My Sir is kind of a role model for me at the moment.

      Take care – hope you’re not buried under snow…


  2. lilOne March 5, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    fantastic work! A clear communication..that is key isn’t it, no blame, no damage in return just communication.

    • aisha March 6, 2012 at 6:55 am #

      Thanks, lilOne,

      It is key. It’s not so easy to do, but it makes a difference. And ~ if i’ve been clear and non-blaming, and i get a negative response, i know it’s not just me!!


  3. vanillamom March 5, 2012 at 8:35 am #

    beautiful…that you took time to tell him clearly how you felt without diminishing him or you…and that he responded so clearly and thoughtfully. That so matches the kind of man i feel him to be, just from the few times i met him.

    Really, together you are a beautiful couple, in body and spirit…well matched.

    happy days.

    okay, i have a q for you…*evil snikker* (yes, i know it’s spelled incorrectly…on purpose)…

    if your M ordered you to give another guy a bj, would you balk? (assuming he set up the parameters beforehand for you to be safe from stds, etc…)

    Dragon lady…( do like that!)

    • aisha March 6, 2012 at 6:56 am #

      Thanks, Ms. ‘Nilla,

      {smiling} We really do work, don’t we?

      more happy sighs…

      Ok, answered your question today… maybe more than you bargained for, but that’s how i am.

      hugs, and much love,


  4. faerie March 5, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    I really like the way you described your goal of living in the middle, I may have to swipe that one.

    • aisha March 6, 2012 at 6:57 am #

      Thank you faerie,

      You are more than welcome to swipe that and anything else useful you stumble across here!


  5. mouse March 5, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    What you wrote here, struck a deep chord with mouse…

    “But my goal is to live somewhere between the extremes of “always broken, please save me,” and “so strong i don’t need anyone ever.” Because, you know, that’s the reality. i am somewhere in that middle ground.”

    YES and mouse completely gets that part!! That’s where she lives..or used to…or does…


    • aisha March 6, 2012 at 6:58 am #


      Yes.. of course that’s where you live. Still and always. We may move around in that middle space, closer to one end or the other, but that’s where we are.



  6. caile March 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

    I am so glad you received the type of response that dealt with your anxieties in an appropriate way. I have been there before and I understand how important that is.

    Have I told you how familiar some of this sounds? Again it is wonderful to know that we are not alone and also to see how others deal with these daily issues that pop up!

    Thank you for opening up to all of us in the blogisphere, Hugs!

    • aisha March 6, 2012 at 7:05 am #


      Thank you so much! i’m glad you can relate to it. The encouragement to keep sharing my experience means a lot coming from you too 🙂

      Can’t believe we went to the wrong place for the munch – and you know, the place where it was is like 5 minutes away from my house. Hope to see you soon!


  7. sin March 5, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

    I like that you tried consciously to take out the stuff that minimized your issues, your concerns. And of course that he apologized and that he addressed them. Nice.

    • aisha March 6, 2012 at 7:07 am #

      Thanks, Sin,

      Yeah, it can be hard to do, not dismissing oneself.

      And really, He is “all that.” And a bag of chips…. 🙂 {O, bet they don’t use that phrase where you live, do they? O, well. Diversity is all good.}



  8. Giggling Bunny March 6, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    Wow it’s so good to see communication going on. It is rather frustrating sometimes when people have issues and they just refuse to communicate about it and yet that alone would help them out.

    Good for you for having the courage to say something and doing it in a non-accusing way and good for him for approaching it without getting defensive. =)


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