A Question from Dragon Lady

6 Mar

“okay, i have a q for you…*evil snikker* (yes, i know it’s spelled incorrectly…on purpose)…

if your M ordered you to give another guy a bj, would you balk? (assuming he set up the parameters beforehand for you to be safe from stds, etc…)”

That’s a great question, Dragon Lady, um ‘Nilla.

You know, i think there are different levels or layers of fantasy.  

Story of O was a huge, huge turn on for me, and i found my sexual energy through fantasies of that kind of sexual slavery for so many years.  But do i really want to be taken to Roissy and used by many anonymous men?  

No.  i really don’t.  So that’s a fantasy that stays in my head, it’s not something that i think i have a secret yearning for.

Do i want to be taken by more than one man at the same time, in a group sex kind of scenario?  Um, i don’t think so, but under the exact right circumstances ~

~ if it were two men i knew well and i was attracted to them both and they both wanted to share me, and i was feeling really submissive, well, hmmm, it could happen.  But it would need to meet all those conditions, and even then, maybe not.

On the other hand, there are plenty of kinky fantasies that i really might want to come true.  Some exhibitionist stuff.  Some punishment themes.  You know, other stuff.

Remember me talking about the first real Dom i knew ~ not First Sir, but Mike Moore?  Mike who i loved so dearly, who used to say, “Now, mind me.  I like a woman who minds.”  

Well, he was Irish, and he loved to tell stories, and i’ve probably told this one before.  But he might start, “You know, my friends used to say to me, they’d say, ‘Mike, what do you mean ‘you like a woman who minds?   I don’t know what you’re talking about, you can’t make women mind you, not nowadays!  They’re independent, they’re not gonna do anything just because you tell ’em to.’  

And,” Mike would continue, “I’d say, ‘Well, yes I can make women mind me.  It’s easy.”  He’d pause and look at me, “You know how to make a woman mind, don’t you?'”  

And i, in my wide-eyed vanilla-ness, would shake my head, “nooooo, how do you do that?” even long after i knew the answer, cause i loved to hear him laugh and say,

“Well, you just make ’em do things they want to do anyway!   That’s the secret.  You just tell ’em to do the things they want to do anyway.”  Then he might add, “You’re not wearing panties are you?  See, good girl, that’s what i like, a woman who does what she’s told, now come over here and let’s see how many orgasms you can have right now.  Hurry up, mind me!” 

And i’d giggle and be a little embarrassed, but you know, who could resist an offer like that???

Now i also noticed that if he mostly told me to do things that i wanted to do, or that brought me pleasure, he could throw in a thing or two that i wasn’t so sure i wanted to do, and i’d be so in the habit of saying yes, that i’d slide right into doing those pretty easily too.  

And i thought it was important that i noticed that.

But, i digress.  Getting back to your question…

For me, being made, coerced, or pushed into doing something sexual is a huge trigger for me.  i know that’s the dynamic for a lot of D/s relationships, that the “s” can’t say no, isn’t allowed to say no to sex.

But that’s what my first marriage was like. Non-consensually.  Well, and my first real sexual relationship, for that matter, which was non-consensual by virtue of age and quickly became sexually and physically abusive.  

So for me personally, not speaking for anyone else, i essentially need to consent to each episode.  It doesn’t have to be formal, it can be implicit, and ~ i’m not explaining this well.  i’m sorry.  It’s not like my Dom needs permission ~ that’s silly ~ but ~ it’s like this ~

i know that if i don’t want to do something sexual, really don’t, and He doesn’t help me move into an accepting submission, if He overrides me, and insists, then i will feel like crap afterwards.  i will feel like i’ve been abused.

On the other hand, for example, i have a love/hate relationship with anal sex.  i want it/don’t want ~ and i have past issues with it ~ and i want it as much as i hate it, so it’s a fair playground for pushing my comfort level.  

But if he “makes me,” i will have emotional and even sensory flashbacks and it won’t be pretty.  Or helpful.  

It damages me.

After i got divorced the first time, it took me about a year of therapy to realize that all those times i’d said to my husband, “Please don’t, please don’t, it’s like you’re raping me, please don’t…”  well, it took me a year of therapy after the divorce to realize that when you feel that way you are being raped.

So, back to your question, Ms ‘Nilla, giving another guy a blow job is not a secret fantasy of mine.  If my Master wanted me to do it, he would have to figure out how to make me want to do it first.  And “because he wants me to” would probably not be reason enough for that particular thing.

If he really “made me” ~ coerced, pushed, pressured ~ when it wasn’t something i wanted, i think it would damage me.  And i believe i have some responsibility to not let myself be damaged, so… you know, that could be a hard limit for me, but more importantly, it would make me wonder why he’d want me to do something that could harm me.

Whew.  Bet you didn’t know you’d get all this… hope you weren’t looking for a simple yes/no answer!

More questions anyone?

18 Responses to “A Question from Dragon Lady”

  1. Sky March 6, 2012 at 7:19 am #

    To tell a woman what she cannot do is to tell her what she can. ~Spanish Proverb

    Maybe your Dom Mike had a bit of Spanish blood as well as Irish :).

    I liked your explanation, Aisha. Servicing another man is not something I would feel comfortable doing.

    Fondly, Sky

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:09 am #

      Interesting quote, Sky – thanks for sharing it.

      Yeah, i think my Dom Mike (who never used the term Dom or BDSM or anything like it) would have said, “Spanish?? Look at these blue eyes, do I look Spanish to you? No, my family came from Ireland, County Cork…” and then he’d have a story to go with it. Laughing…

      Thanks -i’m glad you liked my answer. i bet that’s true for a lot of us!

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. vanillamom March 6, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    I loved your explanation…and it kind of summed up what i know of you…so yes, i’m not surprised that coercion of that form would be a turn-off not a turn on. And i’ve never heard that Mike story, which was priceless!

    For the record? I don’t see your Sir X ever being that way with you, not without tons of prep work…but in my humble opinion, he seems to not be inclined towards sharing. 🙂

    Thanks for a great, in-depth answer…TTWD has so many shadings and gradients, and there can be a long road between what we fantasize about happening to us, and what we really truly would submit to….

    love,

    nilla

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:12 am #

      Thanks ‘Nilla,

      i’m glad you enjoyed my Mike story and that the answer worked for you…

      i think you’re right, i don’t think Sir X has any intention of sharing me with anyone ~ and don’t think He wants anyone else. And that works for me!

      Yeah, the space between fantasy and what we really want is fascinating, isn’t it? Things to think about…

      love,

      aisha

  3. jade March 6, 2012 at 10:26 am #

    i think the line between abuse and TTWD can be summed up not in any activity but in two ways. 1. Intent and 2. How you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror afterwards.

    i think it can be damaging to women who read only narratives that explain how they are the “best slave in the world” because they will rush headlong into anything at the whim of their “Master.” Its a great ingredient for a fantasy, sure. But i, too, think we have a responsibility to ourselves to consider intent (theirs and ours) and how we think we will feel about ourselves looking into our own eyes later. i find, when i ask myself those questions, i tend to know pretty damn fast what i need to say “no” to.

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:17 am #

      Dear Jade,

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment ~ i love when i can borrow someone else’s ideas to round out my own!

      Yes, i think reading material that creates unreal and unrealistic standards can be harmful if we’re not exposed to other perspectives. Just the idea that we still have some responsibility to say no is a key concept.

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. mouse March 6, 2012 at 10:57 am #

    Your answer was awesome. The thought of being shared or sharing O in anyway, is very distressing to mouse — huge trigger. Being forced to remain silent about it just isn’t good either being told to accept it…

    Under the right circumstances it could happen, as you mentioned, but gosh the next day mouse would be completely mortified. Seriously so.

    It’s also weird, mouse read the Story of O years after Alpha died and absolutely hated it. The whole story just skeeved her out…it just felt wrong.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:42 am #

      Hi, Mouse,

      i’m glad you liked my answer. i can imagine that idea would be dreadfully triggering for you, and i’m glad that

      Interesting that Story of O didn’t do anything for you. I”m sure you’re not alone in that, but interesting. I was only about 14 when I read it, and sometimes I’ve wondered if that shaped my kinkiness or if I liked it because I was already kinky. Who knows…

      hugs

      aisha

  5. Conina March 6, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

    This is a wonderful answer to a loaded question.

    I love your story about Mike, too.

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:42 am #

      Thank you very much, Conina!

      aisha

  6. lil March 6, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

    Ooh, I have a question. It’s about something that I have pretty well-developed opinions of (actually have a half written post on it, but it’;s a bit angsty lol), but I would love to read your take on it because you write with wonderful clarity.

    How do you define the differences between abuse and BDSM, and do you think that, on some level, women who end up in abusive relationships were really seeking D/s, but were not aware of it and the massive differences between the two?

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:43 am #

      Dear lil,

      Yep, check out today’s post. Thanks for asking ~ i’ve been needing to write that post for a long time. Can’t wait to read yours!

      aisha

  7. Giggling Bunny March 6, 2012 at 5:10 pm #

    You make lots of good points that I can relate to. I have had fantasies about being with multiple guys too but the reality is I’d worry about what it would do to Daddy and my relationship.

    And as for being ‘forced’ to do something……I mean I’m at a point where I will do things I don’t find necessarily fun or a turnon because he tells me to do them but there are still things I would never do….I could never do for him or anybody….and I think he knows that.

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:50 am #

      @Giggling Bunny,

      Yes – that whole aspect of multiple guys is another piece. You’re right, it would change the dynamic.

      And i agree, i think there’s a huge difference between doing things just to please him and doing things that violate us. good point.

      aisha

  8. sin March 6, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

    A long thoughtful answer to the question.

    I have about a dozen different thoughts on this – all going in different directions. Maybe it needs a post of its own on my own blog.

    -sin

    • aisha March 7, 2012 at 7:50 am #

      @Sin,

      Thank you!

      Hope you do the post – would love to hear your thoughts.

      aisha

  9. Jake March 9, 2012 at 6:15 am #

    I liked this post very much, aisha. I think you have drawn a hugely important distinction. Plus I like your old friend Mike’s line about how to make a woman mind very much! It matches my own experiences very nicely. Thanks, as always, for sharing your insight.

    • aisha March 9, 2012 at 7:24 am #

      Thanks, Jake, i’m glad you liked it! Yes, Mike was quite a character, with his own wisdom, i can see where your management of Joy has some similarities for sure!

      Thanks for the kind words, as always.

      aisha

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