Q & A: Almost Part II BDSM and Abuse

8 Mar

Thank you all for the wonderful comments on yesterday’s post.  i will be answering them, but i need to have time to savor each one and respond mindfully, which is not going to happen this morning.

In fact, i’m tempted to give you the short answer to the second part of Lil’s question and postpone the rest.  Part II of her question was:

“Do you think that, on some level, women who end up in abusive relationships were really seeking D/s, but were not aware of it and the massive differences between the two?”

 It’s a great question, and i’ve thought about that a lot, wondering if women who are in abusive relationships are really misguided submissives.  The short answer is: Sure, maybe, i think that might be true for some people. 

i don’t know of any research on it, which is unfortunate.  That would be a great dissertation for someone…   

If i look at my own relationships, i can see that possibility.  Certainly, i’m submissive.  And i didn’t know that the lifestyle was an actual option until my mid forties, or later.

And my marriage was abusive, although i would not have said that 20 years ago.  

Intuitively, it makes sense to say i must have been drawn to something that is the same between an abusive marriage and a D/s relationship.  At least i guess maybe it does.

i don’t know, Lil.  i had a good answer to this in my head, but now that i get here, it’s not so clear.

i think that early on there are similarities between Dom’s and men who turn out to be abusive.  And certainly, when my husband and i were dating, there were times that i felt a kinky, submissive rush with him.  For sure, that was part of what attracted me.

But ~ i guess i think there’s a question under your question.  And maybe i’m wrong.  But i wonder if you’re looking for an answer to the “why do people stay in abusive relationships?” question.

One answer to that question might be, “Because they’re really submissives who just don’t know about the lifestyle.”  But ~ i don’t know ~ there’s something that feels “off” about this answer.   

Yeah, and here i am, almost time to get ready for work, and i’m wandering through this question, not even sure where i’m headed.  It is a great question, Lil, because i thought i was clear in my own mind and apparently i’m not quite.

So let me back up.  In order to really respond to this, i need to lay out why i think people stay in abusive relationship ~ which is a perennial question.  In your comment yesterday, Lil, you reflect on that idea, pointing out, {not quite in these words} that abuse is different for children than adults because adults have more resources and more options.

Lots to write about, and i will.  i need to for myself.  But not this morning.

Sorry.

Ok, so, {laughing…} not much to see here today… feel free to move along.  Come back when i’ve got something worthwhile to post.  🙂

More

Last night, i saw my Sir.

My nipples are still tender

from the twisting, pulling, sucking, tugging…

i feel His hands on me yet.

My skin has an electric energy,

a charge that tingles.

His scent lingers, 

i can taste Him still,

my mouth longs to lick and caress,

i want more.

i want His body pressed against me,

His hands smacking my ass,

His mouth on me,

leaving marks

so i remember all day long

that i am His.

13 Responses to “Q & A: Almost Part II BDSM and Abuse”

  1. Striving for Peace March 8, 2012 at 7:13 am #

    I get the difficulty in answering part 2

    we do tend to look at you as the “source of wisdom” on all things psychological.

    our own personal JM at times.

    some things may be too complex
    to answer
    too many variables.

    I have theorized that M was attracted to his Ex for a similar reason — not recognizing the difference between a submissive and a helpless woman — getting that same rush of ‘manliness’ in being the one in control.

    I look forward to more on this
    but don’t envy you the topic
    as it is HUGE

    sfp

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

      Dear Sfp,

      I appreciated your response – it is huge and complex, but fascinating…

      Interesting thoughts about M too. I’ve wondered the same thing about some Dom’s I’ve known.

      Thanks…

      aisha

  2. vanillamom March 8, 2012 at 8:40 am #

    And perhaps the backside to the question AND the answer is that perhaps I became a submissive woman because of abuse?

    I can see many similarities between what I like now, and what i hated as a young kid. Isn’t that weird?

    I keep typing and erasing. . . . .

    i never did therapy …it was all self-healing. And eventually, in my late 30’s I could forgive my abuser.(that was about the time that I fully embraced paganism, too) That was the final (? is there ever a final?) part of my deepest healing, i guess you could call it. When I let go of the hate, and took in …joy. Not to say i wasn’t happy before, because essentially i have been a pretty happy person. But there was that black core inside of me…

    *sigh*

    i dunno, aisha. Maybe it’s still there…transmogrified into what i now use for my “smut base” for writing. Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel “unhealthy”…there is a check and balance for it that didn’t exist before I discovered D/s.

    Does that make sense?

    Do “normal” people have that black spot inside? Is it the “black hole” of personhood? Or is it only there when born of trauma?

    nilla

    ps…this is a fascinating topic

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      It does make sense, what you’re saying, maybe. Although i’m pretty sure that the abuse doesn’t make us submissive.

      And i believe “normal” people ~ do you mean people who haven’t experienced abuse, like one in three women and one in six men have?? ~ yeah, wait, I started to say “yes,” of course they have that black hole, but you know, I’m not really sure.

      In any case, my experiences – and yours – have made us who we are, and struggling with our own “black hole” is part of the process of growth. i think. Right?

      It is fascinating.

      hugs, lots of them

      aisha

  3. vanillamom March 8, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    as i re-read this, i feel i should add that forgiving my abuser was something that happened…for me, not for him.

    He was dead. Perhaps I could forgive him because i finally felt “safe”?

    sfp is correct…this is a HUGE topic.

    n

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

      @Nilla,

      And interestingly, some people find it easier to forgive an abuser who’s dead – other say that makes it impossible. I’m glad you did it for you, that’s important.

      a

  4. Dancing March 8, 2012 at 8:54 am #

    Yes, this is a tough topic indeed and every single situation is different. I believe I did stay in my abusive relationship because at heart I was a submissive longing for control but not knowing about the lifestyle….I was also young and in love and the good times were really good while the bad times were really bad. I guess the good outweighed the bad for a long time. Walking away was one of tyhe hardest things I have ever done in my life but I knew I wanted children and could not bring them into the world under this type of relationship. I still see him from time to time, he does have young children of his own and his wife…..well she died as the outcome of a freak accident when the kids were toddlers. You just never know when that split will change or perhaps save your life.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

      @Dancing,

      Yes, every situation is unique. Absolutely.

      For what it’s worth, I think that abusive relationships are often a little “bipolar” – either really really good or really really horrible, back and forth, and yes, it’s hard to leave when the good is still good.

      Sounds like you were really lucky to get out of that one though! Good grief.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. lil March 8, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    Lol, your posts are always worth reading.

    Sorry for throwing such a huge topic at you!

    The reason I wonder about this is because Alpha pretty much raised his little sisters. One’s doing great. The other drowns herself in the kind of abusive relationships that leave her in the hospital.
    But she always idolized Alpha, acting like he was the one good man in the world. And while we have not always had a D/s relationship, he has always been Dominant. And he is Sooo far from the kind of man she chooses. That I kinda wonder if she just got lost looking and ended up in the wrong place…Looking for the right thing.

    And then I thought that maybe it was a general question, perhaps sometimes women end up in abusive relationships when they really want Dominance.

    @ nilla, I think everyone has the dark spot. And it come with being human–it just takes on different forms and sometimes it’s so small people never even notice it’s there.
    They are easier to forgive when they are dead.
    I sometimes wonder if I was drawn to ttwd because of my past, but it doesn’t really matter to me–what matters to me is that ttwd has helped to wash me clean. And that knowledge is good enough for me.

    aisha, sorry for responding to comments on you log lol. Was just really struck by what nilla said.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm #

      Dear Lil,

      You can respond to comments on my blog ANY time!

      I suppose you know by now that I don’t think your sil is staying in the relationship looking for dominance. And i think you’ve mentioned drugs, which adds a whole other layer to difficulty in leading and i bet she’s so shut down by now she’s “gone away” a lot of the time. {All of which is really out of line for me to say since I don’t know her and only know what i’ve read on your blog, so be aware that i’m just making that up.}

      Anyhow.

      Yes. What matters is your joy in TTWD.

      Hugs,

      aisha

  6. Michelle March 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    What an interesting question. I often reflect on the similarities and differences between abuse and D/s.

    I also found it really interesting that you chose a picture of Mary Magdalene washing Jesus’ feet as your iamge on this post. I’m sure you chose it as a picture of a woman kneeling in service to a man, but it conjured a lot of comparisons between Christianity and D/s for me. There are more than you think at first glance.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

      Dear Michelle,

      I loved this comment – and yes, i knew that was who the picture is supposed to be of. i totally agree about the connections and comparisons between Christianity and D/s. That’s a topic i think about a lot, and haven’t even begun to tackle writing about…

      Thanks so much for commenting!

      aisha

  7. vanillamom March 8, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

    @lil…

    thank you…

    and you are right…it is easier to forgive when they are gone.

    and yes, for me, too, ttwd has washed my spirit. M completes me…He is dangerous, ready willing and able to hurt me, and be turned on by that…but always fully in control. D/s has given me a ‘safe place’ to understand who i am becoming…

    nilla

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