Q & A: Why Do We?

9 Mar

Lil’s question:  “Do you think that, on some level, women who end up in abusive relationships were really seeking D/s, but were not aware of it and the massive differences between the two?”

Warning :  Triggers All Over the Place Here

i got in my first abusive relationship because he said i was beautiful and he said he loved me.  i was 12.  He was 20.  He wanted to be with me all the time.  He thought i was wonderful.

He made me feel so good.  He paid attention to me all the time, called me, wrote me letters, and he wanted to be with me.  i wanted to make him happy, to give him everything he wanted.

So i made him happy and that made me happy and he loved me and i loved him forever and ever, happily ever after ~~ 

~~~  until  ~~~

he wasn’t happy.

And then it was my fault because i didn’t ~ didn’t whatever ~ didn’t get there on time, didn’t wear something he liked, didn’t want to have sex one more time right now ~ whatever.  And he was mad and it was all my fault and i was sorry, sorry, sorry and ~

then ~

after he hit me, he was sorry,

and he almost cried, he didn’t mean to, i just made him mad, and he was really sorry, really, really sorry

and i stayed because there were lots of happy times and just a few that were not so happy.  

And he loved me.

i stayed because i thought if i tried hard enough i could quit making him mad and do what he wanted and he’d know i really loved him and he wouldn’t hit me or rape me anymore.   i loved him.  And he loved me.  He told me so.  He didn’t want to hit me.  i just made him so mad sometimes.

I stayed because he was sorry and he said he’d die  ~ he’d kill himself ~ if i left.

i stayed because sometimes it was almost as good as it was at first, and he loved me, and he’d kill himself if i left and besides, there must be something wrong with me or i would have already left him a long time ago ’cause why would i stay with someone who hit me unless i wanted it?   So there must be something wrong with me, and no one else would ever want me anyhow.


Ha.  Do you see how that worked?  

It was my fault at first because i made him mad, and then it was my fault because i hadn’t already left.  After that, there wasn’t any point in leaving, because clearly there was something wrong with me and i’d just end up in another relationship just like it because i must like it and i must deserve it because i hadn’t already left.

That really was how it worked, at least partly, when i was young and new.  

i was with him off and on all through high school.  Thank goodness for the “off” times, and thank goodness that eventually i realized what was happening and left.

i thought he was going to kill me, the last time i left, he used to follow me, in his car, when i went to catch the bus, and he showed me his gun once.  If i hadn’t been so young and foolish, i would have gone back then, but i didn’t.  By then i knew ~ and that’s a story for another day ~ i knew that i was not to blame.

i knew that he was the kind of person who would hit anyone when he got mad.  It wasn’t just me.

And i was 16.  We didn’t have kids, i wasn’t financially dependent on him.   i don’t know what it would have been like if we’d been married, had kids, or even if i’d been old enough and wise enough to know

he really might have killed me.

but ~~~

~~~ he didn’t.  And that was good.


 Whew.  i had no idea that was lingering in me, but there it is.  That’s some of why women stay in abusive relationships.

There are other reasons, i think, but that’s enough for today.  Enough for me, and probably enough for you.

It feels good to be able to remember it, to pull it out and look at it, be able to feel it, and then put it back away.  But it’s not an easy journey, and i think i’m going to go do something nice for myself.

You might should too.


22 Responses to “Q & A: Why Do We?”

  1. heather1 March 9, 2012 at 7:31 am #

    No words to offer. Just sadness that you went through this situation and that there are so many still going through it today.

    hugs or shoulder bumps.

    Have a great day you deserve it.


    • aisha March 9, 2012 at 7:56 am #

      Thanks, Heather ~

      And yes, sending thoughts and light and energy to people struggling with these things right now….

      thanks again.


  2. Striving for Peace March 9, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    sometimes I wonder if it isn’t the other way around

    if the abusers don’t see something in a submissive woman
    that they can use and manipulate.

    or perhaps

    there’s just no rhyme or reason for it.

    that all of us

    want love
    and don’t always understand
    that we can love the wrong people
    for the wrong reasons.

    for a child of 12
    who knows nothing of love
    or men
    or the cruel ways
    in which we can manipulate
    and damage each other

    deep thoughts sis

    hugs abound


    • aisha March 9, 2012 at 7:59 am #

      Dear Sfp,


      i think you’re exactly right. One thing i know is that it is not generally the abused women who “pick” abusive men, it is more the man who picks her. So yes, i think you have an excellent point.

      And society supports that in a way by our whole, don’t chase boys, don’t call them, etc, crap which supports sitting back and waiting to be picked.

      And yes, also, it can happen to anyone. Absolutely.

      Interesting thoughts on M. More things to think about… Thanks so much for sharing.

      {trying to stay caught up with comments today}

      hugs, and love and light,


  3. vanillamom March 9, 2012 at 8:03 am #


    And i …it’s the past, and back then there were less “rules” about older guys and (very) young girls…it was *flattering* to have an older guy be “in love” with you, back in the “dark ages” when we were young….

    My first thought was OMG she was 12… and I can’t help but want to hold that little girl and soothe her, despite knowing that her grown-up self has processed that dark time, and moved on with her life.

    thank you for this really interesting insight. I don’t suppose anyone will ever plumb the depths of BDSM -abuse- consensual abuse…all that dark, gray, murky area.

    Mostly i am just so glad to have found a safe place to be dark in.



    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      That’s so true – I’d kind of forgotten that, but you’re right. I knew a couple of 14 and 15 year olds who got pregnant and married men in their early 30’s. People raised their eyebrows or frowned a little, but that was it.

      Thanks for the love…



  4. mouse March 9, 2012 at 11:24 am #


    Thank you for sharing such a personal story. All the comments were spot on…

    Really have much more to say, but can’t quite put the words together, might come back and write more later…


    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

      Dear Mouse,

      You’re more than welcome. I discovered i really had to go there if i was going to try to answer lil’s question, otherwise what i was writing just wouldn’t work.

      Thank you.



  5. Sir J March 9, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    The men you describe prey on women (girls) who do not or who have not yet had the time to develop a solid sense of self awareness or esteem. They work on that and manipulate and destroy what was there. Usually they do this because of their own lack of self esteem not through some deep, dark, calculated plan. They are as damaged as the women they leave behind, this is in no an excuse. I am not trying to justify or explain away their behavior, it is deplorable. There is nothing manly, dominant or human really in making your self feel better by making someone else feel worse.

    I this regard I believe the answer the original question is no, women do not generally end up with assholes searching for a situation where they can be submissive. Both the men and the women in these equations lack the self esteem and have not done the work to understand necessary to form a D/s relationship.

    Aisha please know I mean no disrespect to your situation, sadly, often the work has not be done by the woman simply because she has not had the time and through no fault of her own. If my comment offends in anyway delete it with out hesitation and I know that you are more than strong enough to know you can do that with or with out my saying.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

      Thank you, Sir J,

      I loved this comment, because you so clearly lay the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, recognizing the victim’s vulnerability. Something about the comment just warmed me.

      I appreciate the reminder the abusive person has his or her own demons too. That is important to keep in mind.

      And once I wrote this piece, it was clear in my mind that i wasn’t looking for a Dom. Your words kind of sealed that.



  6. faithful March 9, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    I hope you do something very nice for yourself today.



    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

      Thank you, Faithful! I did….



  7. Conina March 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    I know a 12 year old girl.

    I can see this sort of thing happening to her, and it makes me sad.

    Thank you for sharing this. It can’t have been easy, but it’s important.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 6:03 pm #

      Thanks, Conina,

      It was important, wasn’t it? i could feel it even when i was writing it.

      And yeah. There’s a lot of 12 year olds who are as vulnerable as i was.



  8. jade March 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

    We are more than our scars. But they are there. Reminders.

    i know you will take good care of yourself today….and while you are at it, do something nice for that 12 year old kid in you too, okay? 🙂

    i think its very important to remember that the physical abuse gets our attention and can tell us something is wrong that isn’t about us. The emotional abuse though? It lingers and lingers and lingers around. The physical body has scars and its the proof that can be seen. Underneath our skin is where the *real* damage takes place. Of course, you are well versed in this. But it needs to be said. Words are sometimes used as weapons and you can be mortally wounded in the attack.

    i’m going to go smoke now. My inner twelve year old is mad at the world today.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

      Dear Jade,

      We are much more than our scars. But claiming them matters. i know you know that.

      And i was good to myself, and yes 🙂 even to the 12 year old…

      And finally, o, yes. Emotional abuse is a whole other layer, and more difficult to identify and yes, in some ways harder to recover from. I could say a lot more about that, but i won’t here and now!

      Hope you smoked one for me…



  9. lil March 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

    I feel like I should have a very detailed and possibly long-winded comment for this post as it came about through my questioning…But I don’t. I just have hugs. And thank you.
    It’s not easy looking back like this at these kinds of experiences.

    • aisha March 10, 2012 at 6:07 pm #


      i laughed when i read this – no, no need for long or long-winded. i appreciate the inspiration. It’s been a while since i revisited that particular story, and it was helpful.

      You are more than welcome – and thanks for the hugs.


  10. Sky March 10, 2012 at 9:31 am #

    Aisha, I read your post yesterday and just could not comment.

    As much sadness as I felt for that little innocent girl, I know you have felt so much more. My heart breaks for her/you.

    I know you have done a tremendous amount of work to become the vibrant, strong, loving woman you are today.

    Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. Sending you a huge hug. Take good care of YOU. And the beautiful girl inside you.

    Fondly, Sky

    • aisha March 11, 2012 at 8:53 am #

      Dear Sky,

      Thank you for the warmth of your feelings – and for the recognition that the 12 year old inside me is just one part of who i am.

      Smiling… i am taking good care of me. Today anyhow.

      Thank you.



  11. Andip March 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    It felt like you were writing my story too. It’s so
    healing to pull it out and look at it all.

    • aisha March 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

      Hey, Andi,

      Yes. It really is…



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