Not Enough

12 Mar

Apparently, i’m never actually satisfied.

There’s not enough D/s in my relationship with Sir X.  

i know, we’ve been building our vanilla side, and it’s growing beautifully, He even likes my friends, and i’m happy, happy, hap ~ well, just yesterday, i was all those “happy’s”  Today ~ i’m still happy, but ~

it’s not enough.

This is what happened to Eve in the garden, isn’t it?  {Well, mythically speaking…}  She had it all, and still didn’t have enough.  Had to try the apple.

Sigh.

i know, i know.  It’s a process.  We’re still building our relationship.  But it raises all those unpleasant submissive anxieties.  You know them as well as i do.  The ones that go ~

~ He’s not really dominant.  He’s just doing the things He does to please me.  i want Him to want to do it.  If He’s just doing it to please me, it won’t work.

i know, that’s probably not true.  But it might be!  What if it was?  What if it turned out He really doesn’t want to spank me or control me or be my Sir?  What if He really wants us to be all equal all the time?  Is just humoring me?

What if ~ did you see the article Greengirl linked to?   Omg, that was frightening… i know Sir wouldn’t do that to be mean, but what if, what if??

What if i work myself into a little frenzy of catastrophizing first thing in the morning?   Predict doom and gloom with no good reason?

Yeah, i’m pretty sure that’s not going to help anything…

And you know, really i know, this is part of the process.  i need to talk to Him.

i don’t want to talk to Him.

But i need to talk to Him.  Need to tell Him what’s on my mind.

i don’t want to tell Him, He’s got enough on His plate right now, He’s working so much, i don’t want to put more demands on Him…

He’s given me every reason to trust Him.  i just need to tell Him in a reasonable way.  He’ll listen, i know He will.

Yeah, He’ll listen and think you don’t appreciate what you already have, and you’re going to ruin everything…  

No, it will be ok ~ or it won’t.  Either way, i still have to talk to Him about it.   i just need to think about what i want to say, and when to say it.

{Shakes head}  Ok  It’s your life.  If you want to take a chance on ruining it, i can’t stop you.

{Laughing}  It’s ok sweetie, i’m pretty sure i’m not going to ruin our life.  Not today anyway.

27 Responses to “Not Enough”

  1. Striving for Peace March 12, 2012 at 7:23 am #

    We are junkies for it — aren’t we.

    When I was with Mr. C it was a regular problem
    I would want to keep going deeper and deeper
    and he would have to remind me that

    he’s the boss
    not me

    but another thing occurs to me
    it’s been awhile since you had something that was D/s and vanilla
    perhaps you are just more used to it
    and the vanilla stuff is a bit scary, no?
    a bit real?

    wow — into “not-by-business” territory

    much love

    sfp

    • aisha March 12, 2012 at 7:48 am #

      Dear Sfp,

      LOL – hmpf, so now you’re a therapist? {laughing…}

      You could, theoretically, have a point there. It is just a wee bit scary and ~ yeah, ok maybe.

      For sure i’m afraid of losing that – the vanilla goodness – if i advocate for more D/s…. but i still have to say something, right?

      Thanks, yeah, other ways to look at it….

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. vanillamom March 12, 2012 at 8:48 am #

    I could write this book.

    “he’s only humoring me. He doesn’t *really* want me. He doesn’t *really* enjoy hurting me. He is just doing this coz he’…?”

    Yeah.

    Been there, done that, big time.

    Went out and played on the side (before I was collared, when I didn’t have rules about that).

    And we came )*( that close to breaking up. And we talked–openly and honestly.

    He *is* a sadist (he was holding back, to be sure, but He was thinking to go slow and I wanted MORE MORE MORE MORE….)

    Everytime we get together He hurts me and it makes him smile. He’ll grab a finger subtly, and squeeze until my eyes pop. Or he’ll grab some other part of me and pinch. It makes him laugh to see me writhe and wriggle.

    And when he is overwhelmed with work, some of that sadistic energy is channeled into his work time….

    You do need to talk to your Sir…but…my guess is that He is just…life overwhelmed…just now..(I saw the delight when you tried your first rope nipple clamps, you know.)

    He may be going slow for YOU…but you won’t know unless you talk.

    Hug…

    nilla

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:13 am #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      Yes, ma’am, i hear you loud and clear. We’ll talk. You know, i couldn’t talk to him yesterday cause i didn’t see Him. And i need to do it when we have time and it feels right. But we will.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. vanillamom March 12, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    and i have to add that i find it amusing that your post today is titled “not enough” and mine is “ignored”…

    *giggling as I picture your eyeroll…*

    nilla

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:14 am #

      Laughing… Yes, big ole eye roll, because you will notice, the similarity ends right there ~ mine is NOT about dogs licking me… ewwwwwww.

      LOL

      aisha

  4. abby March 12, 2012 at 9:21 am #

    Been there too, parobably will again. In fact, master and I talked about more just last week….talking is not demanding..you know that too! talking is scary though, but we both know you will drive yourself crazy until you do! hugs abby

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:16 am #

      @Abby,

      It’s always nice to be reminded that it’s not just me who’s a greedy slut… if you know what i mean. It is a little scary – not the talking part, it’s still the “asking” that bothers me.

      Thanks for the support! 🙂

      hugs

      aisha

  5. lil March 12, 2012 at 9:44 am #

    Ooh, I hate that feeling!
    I often wonder why it is so very important to us that they do it not because we want them to, but because they want to…
    Talking can be surprisingly difficult can’t it?

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:18 am #

      @ lil,

      It HAS TO be because they want it, otherwise we’re not submitting, they’re doing us a favor!!! Laughing… sorry, didn’t mean to yell. Ok, got that off my chest…

      Yes. It sure can be tough.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. faithful March 12, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    I could tell things were… off….. at least from the D/s perspective.

    Communication is the key..(you know that 🙂 and good for you for taking the steps to help build what you and Sir have long term into something that fulfills you in every way.

    If you are clear on what you want.. albeit daily rules, rituals….. that should make the conversation flow easier.

    Submission is indeed a wonderful gift….. hopefully it will be what he is looking for as well.

    ~faithful

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:26 am #

      Dear Faithful,

      That’s great ~ if you could tell things were off, you probably know me better than i know myself! laughing… No, seriously, i wouldn’t say things are “off,” we’re just growing.

      The “what i want” piece of this is complicated by the fact that i want ~ um, whatever He wants. So it’s not quite like sitting down and saying, Ok, now gimme some rules and rituals, please and thank you. But i’m sure it’ll be a valuable conversation.

      Thanks!

      aisha

  7. monkey March 12, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    I would guess it is as ‘nilla said, much of his dominant energy is being channeled into conquering work. My other thought is that he might be waiting for you to ask. Those types do have the disconcerting tendency to do that, make us ask for what we want. He might be enjoying observing you work yourself around to it.

    Your title made me laugh. I am not at all saying I’m glad you are conflicted,I’m not, it’s uncomfortable to see oneself so clearly, but I am glad to know that I am not the only one who wonders, “Will I ever be satisfied?”

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:33 am #

      @LM,

      That’s probably true too… that work is eating up a lot of His energy, and He may be waiting for me to ask. He’s certainly capable of doing that.

      i’m glad you could relate to my title, and my greed!! 🙂 You know, maybe that is the real point of the Eve eating the apple story…. hmmmm.

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. mouse March 12, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    aisha…

    It’s all about ebb and flow…Right? Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t…that’s why there’s Mounds and Almond Joy.

    Unfortunately mouse HATES coconut so she’s kinda screwed either way. :-/

    There’s a point in all this somewhere…um. It can’t always be hot and sexy all the time…you need those “vanilla” times too. It’s the vanilla times that sustain us when we don’t have time or energy for much else…yanno? Then the hot n sexy times sustain us through the vanilla periods…

    If you can’t work both ways…ha. Well, ya…if you can’t do the hot n sexy and vanilla times well the relationship won’t last.

    Truly it sounds you have both under control….you both do…

    hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:39 am #

      Dear Mouse,

      Omigosh, i HATE coconut too!!! Totally! 🙂

      And yes, we do need the vanilla times for sure, if we’re going to have a sustainable relationship. And – yes, vice versa!

      i’m really pretty sure we’ll be fine. It just helps me to think stuff through here first, and i love to hear your feedback. Thank you.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • mouse March 14, 2012 at 1:42 am #

        Omg….O loves coconut!! He believed that everyone should love it…so once he eating a macaroon…which he rarely shares…so he had mouse close her eyes and he popped a piece in her mouth.

        So mouse chews and chews and chews like a cow chewing on its cud, with this look of disdain on her face. He was like how can you not like that?! So, mouse spits out this chewed wad of coconut and asked sweetly…what the hell do you do with the left over muck?

        Really…it’s nasty stuff.

      • aisha March 14, 2012 at 7:08 am #

        O, that kind of makes me shudder just thinking about it! 🙂

  9. greengirl March 12, 2012 at 11:09 am #

    I wonder if any of us have come along and not thought about “is he doing it just for me?” I still do at times and it is still the biggest stumbling block to our peace. I had thought i was more unique in this – that if only he had discovered the whole thing first and been the one to start it – or were into it already and i just had to follow…. Not so simple though apparently.

    And i’m sorry – i didn’t write about that article to cause anyone else distress. It is such an extreme example. But a place for my husband and I to start a conversation about out needs and expectations.

    I know you’ll find a way to talk to him about it – you’re excellent at that. And he seems to be very good at telling you the truth, and not what you want to hear – and i bet that the truth will in fact be the right thing for you to hear.

    For us, there are a lot of factors – like Nilla said – his energy gets re-channeled and he won’t be heavy handed with the D stuff if he feels he can’t focus on it adequately. Naturally that’s when i want it so much more. And i think – i believe – that the D/s is sooo much better, so much more intimate and natural if the vanilla is grown along with it. But yea – if it were up to me – i would love to give all my attention the D/s and let the vanilla do what it will.

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:42 am #

      @Gg,

      Yes. And i’m may have mentioned before in these pages that my 2nd husband ~ one of the last things he said to me before the divorce was “And all those things we did? I didn’t want to do any of them. I just did it for you.” In the book A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex, they identify that as one of the cruelest things you can say to a submissive, and it really did sting. Fortunately, i knew he was lying…. to me and to himself by then. But anyhow.

      i do think it’ll go ok, i just want to do it at a time that He can hear me clearly. And for real, i do trust Him a lot.

      Laughing… the D/s is the fun stuff, isn’t it?

      hugs,

      aisha

      • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:49 am #

        Dear Gg,

        AND i’m glad you posted the link to that article, it was extreme and scary, kinda like watching a horror show ~ A Slave’s Nightmare. But almost funny – it’s like that old joke – the masochist says to the sadist, “hurt me, hurt me,” and the sadist says, “No.”

        It would certainly be a good starting place for some conversation! i may use it myself some day.

        Thanks again.

        aisha

  10. jade March 12, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    You know whats funny? Last week, i went and made a vision board with Mel. The word that jumped out at me instantly was *balance.* That is what i was (am) most needing. What are you most needing, right now?

    If you can’t trust him with how you feel and what you *need* then you don’t have much, right? Trust yourself. Trust him.

    i would imagine, frankly, that being a sadist is like having a hungry beast living inside of you. When you care for someone, when you love them and feel responsible for them, i’d imagine it can be scary to let that out in the light of day. Maybe the vanilla stuff is important to build, in us, the sense that they are not only a sadistic beast.

    At the end of the day, you deserve to get your needs met most of the time. Either he will meet them. Or he won’t. Feel it out.

    And now i am going to blog to figure out what the hell is going on with me .

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:44 am #

      @Jade,

      No worries, i do trust Him. i just like to twist myself into knots before i actually do anything… laughing.

      i don’t know where He is on the sadist scale. i suspect time will tell. But yes. i know that’s something that Doms struggle with.

      And now i’m gonna go read your blog!!

      hugs,

      aisha

  11. Conina March 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    You know that talking to him won’t ruin your life.

    You also know he’s not doing any of this just for you. 🙂

    AND. Even if he was… what an amazing thing to do for someone, no?

    It took me about ten years to get there, though, so I get it.

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:46 am #

      @Conina,

      Laughing… i know it won’t. And no, i really don’t think He is. i think this is just part of our growth together.

      The AND part though – i guess. i don’t know. i’ll have to think about that… thanks.

      hugs,

      aisha

  12. nancy March 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    Good luck to you talking with him.
    I’m feeling the “more, more, more” itch myself.
    I know why there isn’t more right now but dang it is hard to wait~!

    • aisha March 13, 2012 at 5:46 am #

      @Nancy,

      And once again, i’m just grateful that it’s not just me! Thank you!

      hugs,

      aisha

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