In My Own Head

20 Mar

On Facebook today, i posted this quote:

“Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”
― C.G. Jung

Only after i’d posted it did i realize how odd a quote it is for someone who’s into TTWD.  How do i believe that quote and want a power exchange relationship at the same time?  

It makes no sense.

But if it’s true that i believe both, then it does make sense and is worth looking at.  It unfolds quickly ~

Jung says that power is “the shadow” of love.  In his beliefs, everything has a “shadow,” a dark underbelly, its opposite.  When we ignore the shadow side of something, we’re at risk of having it take over.

For example – “mother love” is a big Jungian concept.  Warm, nurturing, embracing, all good, right?  

The shadow side is “mother love” that devours its young, that doesn’t allow them to separate, to become their own individual selves.  If you only know about the positive side of a mother’s love, and don’t recognize the presence of the shadow, then you won’t recognize when it’s influencing you, either as a mother or as a son or daughter.

Like an object and its shadow, they are connected permanently.  They’re not two different things, the shadow isn’t something to get rid of, together they create a whole.

Most often, in the mundane world, people don’t want to see ‘the shadow” side of things.  Don’t want to talk about it.

In TTWD, we acknowledge  the shadow.   We explore it.  We embrace it.  

And by doing those things, we begin to get some understanding of the thing we’re looking at.  Jung also says:

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”

 At the heart of BDSM is the integration of the contraries ~ pain and pleasure, slavery and freedom, power and love.  Opposites, and different sides of the same coin.  We take them out, turn them this way and that, play with them, examine them, revel in them.

No wonder TTWD have such an appeal, hold so much fascination for us.  


On a whole different note, {maybe} i watched some videos of spanking last night.  Well, just short clips, not like a whole video.  It amazes me sometimes how much i can get turned on by so little.

Like my own little fantasies…


“Come here,” He says.  

Somber.  i know i’ve done something wrong.

i stand in front of Him, eyes downcast.

“Did you make the appointment today for your annual check-up at the doctor?”

My heart races ~ omg, no.  No, i didn’t, and He clearly reminded me to this morning.  Damn.  Why didn’t i do it?

The silence hangs in the air a moment too long, and “I didn’t think so,” He says.

“Bend over the arm of the couch,” He says.  “Take off your jeans first.”

The air is cool on my legs, they feel exposed, but so does my ass, even though my panties are still on.

“Push that ass out,” He says.  “You know you have this coming.  I specifically told you to make the appointment today.  Right?”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, my voice slightly muffled since i’m bent over.


And He walks away.  i’m left waiting, lost in remorse, not just because i’m about to get spanked, but ~

i had asked for help.  i had told Him i’d been having trouble with procrastinating, just simple things that didn’t take that long to do.

i’d made a list of 5 or 6 things that i’d been putting off.  Making my annual doctor’s appointment was just one of the things on the list, but it was the first He’d picked.

“That’s a priority,” He’d said.

WHY didn’t i do it?  

Still bent over the arm of the couch, the more i think about it, the worse i feel.  The very first day, and i’ve already failed.  i shouldn’t have asked Him.  Now i’ve just let Him down, let us both down.  He won’t even want to help anymore.

i hear Him walk back into the room, He sets something down on the table.  

He is behind me.  

His hand grasps my panties, yanks them down so my ass is exposed.

“Open your legs,” He says.  “Wider.”

And He walks away.

i wait, even more exposed and vulnerable.  i don’t need to be told to think about what i’ve done.  i can’t think about anything else.

When He comes back, i sense Him behind me more than hear Him.  

“You know why you’re being punished?” He says.

“Yes, Sir.  i was supposed to make my doctor’s appointment, and i didn’t.”

“You were supposed to do the most important thing on the list of things you’ve been neglecting,” He says.  “That’s not acceptable.  I’m disappointed in you.”

My heart sinks, i want to cry.  He goes on ~

“I’m going to give you 5 with the riding crop for punishment,”

i think, o, that’s not too bad ~

“And 5 more to help you remember to do it tomorrow,” which is worse.   “You may count out loud.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say.

i hear Him tapping the crop against His leg, i’m braced.

Then it whooshes through the air, and i manage to hold still and not jerk away anticipating it, but after it lands, O!  Omg, it hurts so bad… and i almost forget, but “ONE!” i say, and then, “Thank you, Sir,”

You know, i do appreciate it.  i’m glad that He cares enough to take the time to ~~ “TWO!  Thank you, Sir” ~~ to discipline me.  Even though i may feel less glad when He gets to 10.

“THREE!  Thank you, Sir.”  My ass is burning.  The third one landed crossways over the first two.  Omg.   Can i take ~ how many more left? 

“FOUR!  Thank you, Sir.”

Tomorrow, i’ll make that damn doctor’s appointment.   For sure.


13 Responses to “In My Own Head”

  1. Mick March 20, 2012 at 6:46 am #


    • aisha March 20, 2012 at 7:08 am #


      LOL. Thanks!


  2. vanillamom March 20, 2012 at 8:03 am #

    *smiling @ Mick’s response* Clever!!

    You know, I really grokked this…it was like the jungian philosophy was a 3-D object…as you described it, I could see that “wholeness” of TTWD…like a ball. One side light, the other dark, and how we toss and turn it and play with all sides of it.

    Embracing the dark…we confront our fears, laugh at them, cry through them, and are made whole, ourselves.. (if even for just that moment)…

    But each time we “play” and confront those fears…doesn’t it make us that much stronger?

    In yoga, we do balance poses. For a variety of reasons, I suck at them. Wobbly and falling out of posture…yet we are being trained to forgive ourselves for falling over. And the instructor says, repeatedly….

    “Every wobble builds strength”

    That’s become a kind of mantra for my whole life. And it really applies to ttwd, don’t you think?

    i’m much, much “whole-r” now, then I was, ever before. Braver, stronger, less…..wobbly.

    There is tremendous power in ttwd…for both sides of the slash! (or would that be both sides …the shadow and the light? !)



    • aisha March 22, 2012 at 6:08 am #

      Yes. That’s beautiful, ‘Nilla.

      “Every wobble builds strength.” I LOVE that. It applies to everything, doesn’t it?



  3. Donna March 20, 2012 at 8:33 am #

    So do you have a string on your finger to help you remember to make your appointment, or will sitting down in your office chair, remind you?


    • aisha March 22, 2012 at 6:09 am #

      Dear Donna,

      Um, i don’t think a string would be necessary… laughing…


  4. jade March 20, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    Mothering is supposed to be good. Smothering….not so much. A smothering relationship is born out of the desire to “be a good mother” not so much a desire to screw up your kids for life. So, yeah, its important to understand and acknowledge all parts of an identity.

    We make up rules for what a “good slave” does. We pass them around and endlessly examine them, measure ourselves. Maybe measure each other. The difference is, if we made a list of what makes a “good mother” there would be a lot of overlap. If we made a list of what makes a “good slave” we could have similar things or totally opposite. i wonder if the process itself should be examined more closely, you know? Its dangerous ground to assume we know the light and dark of a thing and that there is no other way to view it.

    That might be one of the things that i love most about TTWD.

    And, strangely, its a world where everything is to be accepted. Its not PC to say you find something disgusting.

    On another note, have i ever told you that i literally cannot count? Lllike, i mean, i cannot keep count (as in, “one, thank you. two, thank you.” i can barely speak at all (imagine that). i have wondered if my math LD brain just cannot understand numbers anymore when pain is applied.

    okay. Rambling. Sorry. i’m sure there are several questions in there.

    • aisha March 22, 2012 at 6:14 am #

      Dear Jade ~

      Right ~ the smothering mother doesn’t intend evil. Not any more than the mothers in other kinds of animals who literally eat their young, right?

      And yes, any time you reduce something to polar opposites, that’s limiting and not so helpful. i don’t think Jung means to excludes shades of gray at all. i think he was just pushing the idea that nothing is all good or all bad, the other part of it also exists.

      I love the tolerance of TTWD too! I like that we’re not supposed to judge other people’s kink.

      And it’s interesting that about you and numbers when being spanked. I wonder if other people are the same way with it.

      Thanks for the comment – lots of interesting stuff there!


  5. monkey March 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    For me it is the open acceptance of the dark places. After far too many years of shame and fear I’m free. Haven’t figured out what I’m going to do with the freedom…
    There is a technique used in art, called chiaroscuro. You place the lightest light next to the darkest dark, and it gives incredible depth and atmosphere to your piece. My darkest places are what makes my lights shine so brightly. I would say that is probably true will all of us.

    • aisha March 22, 2012 at 6:17 am #

      Dear LM,

      i love that – the chiaroscuro concept as applied to this. Very cool. And yes. It’s similar, i think, to what Gibran says here:

      “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

      Same idea, i think. And yeah, shedding the shame and fear is one of the most powerful things we can do.


  6. faithful March 20, 2012 at 11:00 pm #

    nice fantasy!

    what happens after FOUR?


    • aisha March 22, 2012 at 6:18 am #

      @Faithful ~


      Well, i guess FIVE comes next… 🙂


  7. Fondlers Anonymous May 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    Hi I know this was written a while ago, but i’m still catching up aren’t i? I like the story so much I sent a copy to BIKSS. I think that’s kinda how I feel about the smoking thing. I messed up once. N felt awful cos he was disappointed. He didn’t set it as a rule so i didn’t get punished – which i think is WORSE. Instead it was a choice *I* MADE. Although I’m happy to say that since I couldn’t stick to my own resolve, I’ve asked him for help and he’s agreed. Yay me! Thanks for writing this. It totally resonated with me.

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