A Little More

28 Mar

After reading the wonderful comments on these last couple of posts, i think that Jung was definitely right.  We don’t lose that “child”  or “adolescent” aspect of ourselves, we just layer over it.

It seems like D/s allows many of us to get in touch with that vulnerability and feeling of safety and security, regardless of whether we had that in childhood or not.   And regardless of whether we identify as a Little or not, there seems to be a connection that goes deep into who we are.

i think “being a Little” formalizes the opportunity to embrace the younger parts of our selves.  That’s pretty cool.

i’ve finally started reading Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything, by Geneen Roth.   {Fabulous book, yes you should read it.}  She says:

“Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was – just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer – was enough?  When you were enough – not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because everything was the way it was.”  (p. 33-34)

And i thought, um, no, i can’t.  

So i thought back some more.  

Nope.

i can remember being happy some of the time when i was a child.  The summer when i was eight and my best friend and i spent the whole summer outdoors, climbing trees and talking.  Leaving the house early in the morning.  Running back in with a pack of friends to get a glass of water for everyone ~ usually just as my mother had finished doing the dishes.

i cannot remember a time, ever, when the adults in my life did not want me to be more than i was.  To perform better, at a higher level, more consistently.  To learn more, do more, achieve more.

i was not abused as a child, not physically, and not sexually.   {i have experienced abuse, but not until i was 11 or 12 and not by family members.}  But i have no memory of having “been enough.”

And always, always, i couldn’t wait to be grown.  i hated being a child.  i felt powerless and i couldn’t wait to get it over with so my real life could begin.

So i wonder ~ how does that affect the “Little” aspect of who i am?

12 Responses to “A Little More”

  1. Jake March 28, 2012 at 5:57 am #

    I remember times like Ms. Roth describes from when I was a child. I can even remember the last time I felt that way–it was as a young adult, maybe 22, in a campground in Texas. It’s been a long time since then–sadly life and accumulating responsibilities make it harder to feel that way as one gets older, I think.

    • aisha March 29, 2012 at 8:20 am #

      Hi, Jake,

      That’s very cool. Hopefully, as you get even older, you’ll recapture that feeling!

      aisha

  2. Faerie March 28, 2012 at 6:45 am #

    I didn’t feel like that as a child. As an adult I’m learning to embrace my inner child, I finally feel safe enough to let her out to play 🙂

    • aisha March 29, 2012 at 8:21 am #

      Hi, Faerie,

      Yes, that’s one of the nice things about being an adult. For the most part, we can choose when we want to let the inner child out.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. vanillamom March 28, 2012 at 8:48 am #

    Wow…that leaves me so sad for you, my dear friend. I remember being a child…and having it be wonderful. Yes, I was sexually abused by a relative, but not someone we saw more than a few times a year and he lived far enough away that I was ‘safe’ most of the time.

    My Mom, well, she let us be kids. Running wild and free during the summer, and although I was a willful child, I always felt that she approved of me, that I was okay being who and what I was…that only changed when I was …17 or so?

    I always felt like she didn’t prepare me for life…I didn’t know how to cook or clean, really…she did that all, as that was her “role”…and she didn’t delegate or share her tasks. Now I can see that she did indeed prepare me for life… my heart and spirit, I guess.

    I’m so sad that you didn’t feel that same way…that you have striven for so long to be “more”…perhaps being a “bit little” will give you a chance to be a “little less” driven. A chance to let go and revisit that part that you skipped over when you were younger.

    love,

    nilla
    ps…thanks for helping me see my Mom in a new way. That means a lot to me.

    • aisha March 29, 2012 at 8:25 am #

      Hey, ‘Nilla,

      i’m glad that helped you get a different perspective on your Mom! i was reminded of the story of the person who died after having believed that his life was so hard he would have traded with someone else. St. Peter takes him to a room where every person who’s ever lived’s troubles are hanging and tells him if he wants to he can trade his for someone else. He looks and looks and looks, but when St. Peter comes back and asks him who he wants to trade with, he shakes his head. “No one’s” he says. “I think i’ll keep my own.”

      Being raised by perfectionist parents had it pros and cons. i’ve spent most of my life working through rejecting the message of not enough, and will continue to.

      So it’s ok. I’m ok. Promise.

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. Bill March 28, 2012 at 9:22 am #

    Always remember, “Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!”

    • aisha March 29, 2012 at 8:26 am #

      @Bill,

      laughing… thanks. i’ll keep that in mind.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. Amaia March 28, 2012 at 11:21 am #

    Being in touch with you little side, no matter the extent, can be a scary thing. Being a lil really opens your emotions, it gives you a platform for your vulnerability to be exposed for others to see.

    That can be a scary thing.

    If your memories as a child aren’t the best, if your past didn’t allow you the simple joys of being a child, of having people to take care of your emotional needs as much as your physical needs, if you didn’t have that care free healthy life.. It can be even harder to let go as an adult.

    I agree with the other poster that we as adults tend to create layers. We allow some people in more than others.. we keep people at different distances from us and from our vulnerability. We keep our-self safe, and protected.
    This fear of letting those in.. really in, can be a hindrance for your little side to come out. If you (as an adult) don’t feel safe or secure, then your “little side” (that being your care free, vulnerable and emotional side) will have a hard time coming out and playing.

    But, there is hope.. I have found that surrounding yourself with people.. (or a person) that makes you feel safe, that has earned your trust, who is true to their world.. whose actions are consistent and healthy…who is open and honest with you. These person(s) can help in bringing out that side of you, of moving on from past hurts and helping you discover the joys that are awaiting for you.

    • aisha March 30, 2012 at 6:41 am #

      Dear Amaia,

      It’s so clear from reading you that being a Little has really allowed you to find a side of yourself that’s very beautiful, and to enjoy life in a way that lots of people don’t.

      For sure, there are times that i tap into that part of who i am, and i love that. i don’t necessarily label it “being a Little,” but it’s there.

      Yes, being surrounded by people who are understanding and who you can be yourself with is so important. i’m fortunate to have more than one circle of support and love in my life,.

      Thank you so much, again, for sharing your perspective here.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. jade March 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    i sent an email today to someone special who sent me this very open ended task….to write about some about my childhood….
    and what stands out strongly was how much i hated being a child. How much i resented it because i was busy making adult decisions before i was 10. Its funny that people that know me now would not recognize the exceptionally quiet, bookish, loner child i was.

    i realized i needed to really explore this little stuff *because* i wanted to push it away so hard…….and because i kept getting drawn into relationships that were trying to teach me something about letting go.

    You were always enough. Very likely you were way more than enough.

    i had this poster that my brother bought me. It was the first time he ever bought anything for anyone. There was a photo of an adult ballerina from the waist down and a child dancer next to her, on pointe. It read, “So much of growing up is waiting. Waiting for our time to come and for our dreams to become reality.”

    The same thing holds true for “growing little.” 🙂

    • aisha March 30, 2012 at 6:50 am #

      Hey, Jade,

      Yes, of course i was always “enough.” You know, as an adult, i know that. That’s why i’m a fan of the “good enough” school of life rather than the “always do your best” school of thought.

      i love the poster your brother got you ~ so true!

      For me, i think i seek that connection with the inner child through mindfulness now, focusing on the here and now, finding the joy deep within my self. i can see the benefits of making the “child” explicit, there’s tremendous symbolism there, and i really appreciate you sharing your perspective here.

      HUG,

      aisha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: