Archive | March, 2012

A Kinky Night

22 Mar

i am sitting at His feet.  Just home from work in time to meet Him at the house, i’m still wearing a skirt and my new summer-y blouse.

He has placed a towel on the floor and told me to get comfortable while He ties my hands.  He uses the knot He learned from the Knotty Boys video.  It’s a safety knot, it won’t get tighter, and it places a knot right at the palm of my hand.  

My fingers curl around the knot at my palm.  i have something to hold onto when He pulls my arms over my head and attaches them to a hook, holding me steady while He whips me.

And i know that’s coming, the whipping.  The thought of it makes my pussy clench.  But for now, i’m watching Him tie the knot.

When He’s finished, my hands securely fastened, He holds the rope in His hands and questions me about the discussion group on Sunday.  The one about punishment. He wants to know what i learned.

i try to explain it, but already i’m slipping into that head-space where words are harder to find.

He talks about punishment.  “I could be real nit-picky,” He says.  “I could make up some rules about things for you to do, and then you could break them and get punished.”

He shakes His head.  “I don’t want to do that.  I don’t see the point.”  He smiles, the Dom smile that carries warning if you notice it in time.

“I don’t see the point, ” He says, “I can just whip your ass anytime I want to anyhow.”

i catch my breath, because yes, He certainly can.  And knowing that, feeling the rope that ties my hands held secure in His hands, knowing that He is in charge ~ that makes me smile.

And it makes me hot. 

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It’s still March ~ if you have questions, don’t hesitate to ask…

A 10 on the Happiness Scale

21 Mar

Jade wanted to know what the happiest day of my life has been… and i’ve been pondering it ever since she asked.  Well, you know, not all the time, but from time to time.

i can think of lots of joyous occasions ~ graduations, weddings, my daughter’s birth day, homecomings and reuniting, the day we got custody of my stepdaughter, fabulous sex,… i don’t know how i’d pick one as the happiest.  If i think of happiness on the 1-10 scale, with 1 being not happy at all, and 10 being the happiest i could possibly be {yes, i really think like that} then those were all 10’s.  Or 9.9’s anyhow.  

And sometimes, i just look around my life ~ driving down the road, sitting at my computer, standing in the kitchen ~ and just feel happy.  i might be alone, or with family, or with Sir, but it’s an overwhelming feeling of happiness.  And that’s a 10 too.

Having to be at work at 7 a.m. does not make me so happy.  But it is what it is… each day brings its own pleasure and pain.  Who knows ~ this one could turn out to be the very happiest one!

In My Own Head

20 Mar

On Facebook today, i posted this quote:

“Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”
― C.G. Jung

Only after i’d posted it did i realize how odd a quote it is for someone who’s into TTWD.  How do i believe that quote and want a power exchange relationship at the same time?  

It makes no sense.

But if it’s true that i believe both, then it does make sense and is worth looking at.  It unfolds quickly ~

Jung says that power is “the shadow” of love.  In his beliefs, everything has a “shadow,” a dark underbelly, its opposite.  When we ignore the shadow side of something, we’re at risk of having it take over.

For example – “mother love” is a big Jungian concept.  Warm, nurturing, embracing, all good, right?  

The shadow side is “mother love” that devours its young, that doesn’t allow them to separate, to become their own individual selves.  If you only know about the positive side of a mother’s love, and don’t recognize the presence of the shadow, then you won’t recognize when it’s influencing you, either as a mother or as a son or daughter.

Like an object and its shadow, they are connected permanently.  They’re not two different things, the shadow isn’t something to get rid of, together they create a whole.

Most often, in the mundane world, people don’t want to see ‘the shadow” side of things.  Don’t want to talk about it.

In TTWD, we acknowledge  the shadow.   We explore it.  We embrace it.  

And by doing those things, we begin to get some understanding of the thing we’re looking at.  Jung also says:

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”

 At the heart of BDSM is the integration of the contraries ~ pain and pleasure, slavery and freedom, power and love.  Opposites, and different sides of the same coin.  We take them out, turn them this way and that, play with them, examine them, revel in them.

No wonder TTWD have such an appeal, hold so much fascination for us.  

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On a whole different note, {maybe} i watched some videos of spanking last night.  Well, just short clips, not like a whole video.  It amazes me sometimes how much i can get turned on by so little.

Like my own little fantasies…

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“Come here,” He says.  

Somber.  i know i’ve done something wrong.

i stand in front of Him, eyes downcast.

“Did you make the appointment today for your annual check-up at the doctor?”

My heart races ~ omg, no.  No, i didn’t, and He clearly reminded me to this morning.  Damn.  Why didn’t i do it?

The silence hangs in the air a moment too long, and “I didn’t think so,” He says.

“Bend over the arm of the couch,” He says.  “Take off your jeans first.”

The air is cool on my legs, they feel exposed, but so does my ass, even though my panties are still on.

“Push that ass out,” He says.  “You know you have this coming.  I specifically told you to make the appointment today.  Right?”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, my voice slightly muffled since i’m bent over.

“Ok.”

And He walks away.  i’m left waiting, lost in remorse, not just because i’m about to get spanked, but ~

i had asked for help.  i had told Him i’d been having trouble with procrastinating, just simple things that didn’t take that long to do.

i’d made a list of 5 or 6 things that i’d been putting off.  Making my annual doctor’s appointment was just one of the things on the list, but it was the first He’d picked.

“That’s a priority,” He’d said.

WHY didn’t i do it?  

Still bent over the arm of the couch, the more i think about it, the worse i feel.  The very first day, and i’ve already failed.  i shouldn’t have asked Him.  Now i’ve just let Him down, let us both down.  He won’t even want to help anymore.

i hear Him walk back into the room, He sets something down on the table.  

He is behind me.  

His hand grasps my panties, yanks them down so my ass is exposed.

“Open your legs,” He says.  “Wider.”

And He walks away.

i wait, even more exposed and vulnerable.  i don’t need to be told to think about what i’ve done.  i can’t think about anything else.

When He comes back, i sense Him behind me more than hear Him.  

“You know why you’re being punished?” He says.

“Yes, Sir.  i was supposed to make my doctor’s appointment, and i didn’t.”

“You were supposed to do the most important thing on the list of things you’ve been neglecting,” He says.  “That’s not acceptable.  I’m disappointed in you.”

My heart sinks, i want to cry.  He goes on ~

“I’m going to give you 5 with the riding crop for punishment,”

i think, o, that’s not too bad ~

“And 5 more to help you remember to do it tomorrow,” which is worse.   “You may count out loud.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say.

i hear Him tapping the crop against His leg, i’m braced.

Then it whooshes through the air, and i manage to hold still and not jerk away anticipating it, but after it lands, O!  Omg, it hurts so bad… and i almost forget, but “ONE!” i say, and then, “Thank you, Sir,”

You know, i do appreciate it.  i’m glad that He cares enough to take the time to ~~ “TWO!  Thank you, Sir” ~~ to discipline me.  Even though i may feel less glad when He gets to 10.

“THREE!  Thank you, Sir.”  My ass is burning.  The third one landed crossways over the first two.  Omg.   Can i take ~ how many more left? 

“FOUR!  Thank you, Sir.”

Tomorrow, i’ll make that damn doctor’s appointment.   For sure.

  

Punishment!

19 Mar

The questions started with:

• Are there kinds of punishment that are appropriate for public and/or vanilla punishment?
• What’s the difference between punishment and a mind fuck? Is it ever all right to use punishment as a mind fuck?
• What’s the difference between punishment and play?
• What makes a punishment effective? What makes it ineffective? Is ineffective punishment worse than none at all?
• What kind of punishment is most effective, physical or emotional?
• Does punishment always have to be fair? Is harsh punishment for minor infractions acceptable?

and ended with:

• How do you get out of a punishment that has become more than you can handle?
• What makes good punishment?
• When should you punish and when should you let it go?
• What if you feel like you have gone too far? Made a mistake?
• Does the age, sex, or experience level play a role in how and/or when you punish?
• Should punishment cause physical and / or emotional pain?
• What is the difference between punishment and discipline?
• How do you let go or get over something you have done wrong?
• Do you use punishment to change behaviors?
• Does there have to be a reason for punishment?

Needless to say, we didn’t cover all of them.  But it was a great discussion.

We break up into groups ~ Doms take one corner, switches have their own area, and submissives are grouped in the center of the room.  There are probably twice as many of us.  

We had a lot of fun.

This morning i’m still pondering some of the questions ~ and answers.  The line between punishment and abuse is pretty fine, and we struggled to find that distinction.  

At the other end of that spectrum is the difference between punishment and “funishment.”  i guess it looks like this:

Funishment ~~~~~~~~~~Punishment~~~~~~~~~~~~Abuse 

We agreed that before punishment, there needed to be a relationship, and a structure for discipline.  Lots of discussion, and the Dom needed to know the submissive well enough to recognize triggers.

We were against being ignored as a punishment, and generally agreed that if it went on too long, we’d leave.  

We talked about the cathartic value of punishment.

The on-line dictionary provides this definition of catharsis:

a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art
b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

Punishment allows us to purge our emotions and let go of the rumination about what we’ve done wrong ~ that “beating ourselves up” that can be so damaging.

i don’t have a bunch of experience with punishment, but for me the value is in the acknowledgment that i did something wrong, being able to pay the price for it, and knowing that it’s over.  That i’ve been forgiven. 

That made me wonder, do Doms need some kind of forgiveness, something to close that loop for them?

Mr. Michael said yes.  He said he likes to be thanked after he’s punished someone.

That caused a little consternation among the submissives at my end of the table, and even an, “i don’t think i could!  Not right away!”

But, Mr. Michael said, it was to acknowledge that he’d taken the time and made the effort to provide punishment.  And  i think i get that.  That makes sense.

A “thank you” acknowledges that i recognize i did something that earned punishment, and that i appreciate you following through with enforcing the limit, backing up the rule.  It acknowledges the attention and the caring that goes into it.

Beyond the “ONE, thank you, Sir ~ TWO, thank you, Sir~” it is a sincere acknowledgement that we recognize the value of punishment, and appreciate the provider.

You know, i can’t imagine Sir X punishing me.  It’s not like we have a bunch of rules and protocols, and He is the most reasonable of men.

And after all, i’m a good girl ~ i am!

But if he ever does, i’m sure i will have deserved it, and will try to remember to appreciate it.  To thank Him afterwards.

And i wonder, just a little bit, why that idea actually turns me on. 

Without Saying It…

18 Mar

When He’s tired, i like to massage His feet.

i like being on the floor, at His feet.  Taking my time to carefully untie His shoes, pull them off with some grace,  Socks ~ sliding a finger under the edge and gently slipping them off.

And then ~

~ Stroke gently, rub more firmly, knead and massage ~ and gently caress…

He says He can feel the tension leaving His body when i do that.   Making love to His feet, really.  My hands say, “You matter to me.  i want you to feel good, to feel treasured.”

As i begin to work my hands up his legs, i pause.  “Would you like to go lie down, Sir?  That way i can massage your back too.”

He agrees, it is almost a moan as He says, “O, yes, that’s a good idea,” and we move to the bedroom.  i long to touch Him all over.

i may never say the words “i love you,” to this man, my Sir.  But i will show Him with my hands.

Later, when He is more relaxed, and i have climbed into bed, naked beside Him, His hands caress me, opening, probing… making me moan.  Pinching my nipples til i whimper.

Filling me ~ my hot wetness ~ taking me deep ~  climbing to that over-the-top, shuddering release ~

~ and lying behind me, spooning me, holding me warm and safe.

He may never say the words either…

***************************************

On a  whole different note ~ saw this on Facebook:

Isn’t that great?
 
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‘Nilla asked:   If you could eat one thing, totally guilt-free…and with no consequences, what would it be?
 
 
Bread.  
 
 
i’m not sure which kind.  Maybe boule.  Maybe ciabatta.  Maybe some garlic bread ~ sweet Italian bread ~ or baguettes ~ or any of those wonderful treats.  Hot, fresh from the oven, with something to dip it in.  Or with a glass of wine, and some cheese, and fruit.   Or with a big plate of pasta…
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yep.  Bread.
 
*********************************************
 
And Jade wants to know:
 
When is the last time you were surprised (in a good way)?
 
i guess the most recent time was when my boss told me she was giving me a bonus.  That was completely unexpected, a little bit of “found money” and even more exciting, a real sign of approval.  It was pretty cool.
 
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Upcoming events:  i think i’m going to the Special Interest Group discussion today!  It’s been so long since i’ve been to anything kinky, i’m really excited.  So i may have a story to tell tomorrow, who knows?
 
 

More Q & A

17 Mar

Faithful wants to know:

Has your Sir ever given someone a collar before- or are you the first submissive to have one under consideration?

Thanks for asking, Faithful.  i wasn’t sure myself, so i asked Him last night.    He looked a little surprised when i explained why i was asking {“Enquiring minds want to know, I suppose,” He commented.}

And He said with a clear “Well, of course” tone of voice,”Well, my wife,” which of course i did know.  But not anyone else.  So i’m not His first;  He’s not a virgin at this collaring thing ~ but He’s not a promiscuous collar-giver either.

And Jade wanted to know: 

Who taught you the most about being healthy and setting boundaries?

My mother, i guess?  i put a question mark there because in some ways she didn’t always have what i think of as great boundaries herself.  

But she taught me to take care of myself and to trust myself, so she gets credit.  The therapist i had before JM gets a lot of credit too, now that i think about it.

We’re anticipating parking issues at my volunteer gig this morning, so i’m on the run, trying to get there half an hour earlier than already too-frigging-early.  Out with my Sir last night til way-too-late.

 Jade, if that didn’t answer the question, let me know and i’ll take another try at it.

Q & A

16 Mar

Jade wants to know:

Do you think your Sir will make a good grandparent? do you want that?

Sir is already a grandfather, and of course He’s wonderful.  His grandkids are wild about Him.  He’s not a Disney-Grandpa, He’s the kind who spends more time with them than money.

i think Jade really wanted to know if i envision Him as a good grandfather for my own coming soon grand-baby.  Yeah, i’m sure He would be ~ i haven’t thought much about it, maybe because the baby’s not quite real to me yet.  But i’m sure Sir will be a lovely grandfather figure for the Little One.

i think Sir sees children as people, and relates to them as individuals.  He has reasonably high expectations for his grandkids and i think they try to live up to them because they want to please Him.  Go figure.  🙂

He’s not a yeller, and didn’t typically spank his own kids.  He is a warm, solid presence.  So yeah, i think He’ll be great with my grand-baby too.  You know, if my grand-baby weren’t moving to Really Far Away after he or she is born.

Heather asks:

What is your favorite thing to cook from scratch? No boxes involved.

Hmmmmm.  i don’t cook a whole lot anymore ~ not out of boxes or from scratch, really.  Lots of salad, lots of store-bought sushi or deli-cooked vegetables.  But i have a few specialty item i can whip up when the occasion calls for it.

i make really good broiled asparagus, with a little olive and garlic, topped with lemon and parmesan cheese after broiling.  (That’s bRoil not boil…}

My let-me-impress-you meal has historically been angel hair pasta in olive oil with sautéed shrimp and mushrooms, maybe some capers and cherry tomatoes thrown in too.  Topped with fresh ground parmesan cheese.  It looks pretty fancy, add a little salad and some garlic bread and people have been impressed.  And it is super, super easy.  

However.  Sir doesn’t eat shrimp unless it’s fried.  So that didn’t work for Him, and we’re all low carb these days anyhow so pasta doesn’t happen much.

When my kids were younger, my favorite meal was Stony Stew.  It’s a simple recipe that the girls’ father and i developed way back in the day before our daughter was born,  just stew meat and a little onion, mushrooms, little red potatoes, a little celery and then some stewed tomatoes.  I’d fix it so the sauce would thicken up and i’d make cornbread to go with it.  It was really good.

But yes, my original recipe was to brown the meat, saute veggies and assemble all the ingredients in the pot, bring to a boil.  “Then you turn the stove down a little bit.  Roll a joint, and smoke it.   By the time you have the munchies really bad, the stew will be ready.”

Hence the name ~ Stony Stew.  But that was all long ago and far away.

And you know, i didn’t inhale….

i love this Q & A thing!  Thanks for asking!  i’ll do some more of yours tomorrow, Jade.

I Did…and Y’all Were Right

15 Mar

i talked to Sir last night.  

He came over for dinner after work, another lovely salad ~ at least He liked it ~ and some chocolate covered strawberries.  i remembered to put the plastic wrap over the plate this time, so they didn’t stick.

We talked about all kinds of stuff, and it wasn’t until later~~

~~ when we were on the couch, and my clothes were off, and my legs spread open ~~

       ~~~  after He had applied nipple clamps to nipples already tender and swollen from His caress ~~~

                  ~~~~ and after a hand on my throat had moved me from sexual pleasure to submissive sexual pleasure ~~~~

after all that, at some point, stuttering, fumbling for words, i am able to let Him know i need more of that.  Please, Sir.

And He assures me that “more” will be coming.

Work is taking up His energy, just like youall suggested, and like i kind of already knew.  So when i say ~ stammer ~ “i thought ~ um ~ maybe you didn’t ~ um ~ maybe you didn’t ~ OMG, that feels good ~ O!!  What?  What was i say ~  mmmm ~ , saying?  Ummmmm, o, yeah… “

And He’s looking straight into my eyes, which doesn’t make it any easier, even if it is dim lighting, but i manage eventually to say that i thought maybe He was done, maybe He didn’t want to go any deeper into D/s…

He looks away then, gets this far away look in His eyes, and it makes me a little nervous til He says, “Oh, no.  No.  That’s not it.  I’ve been thinking.  Planning.  Spring is coming, just wait til this work stuff is out of the way a little bit.  In fact, there’s this video I found on line, about positions, when we get back to your training.  I’ll be showing you…”

My heart beats faster, my pussy clenches, and i know all will be well.

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Heather ~ thank you for the questions!!   i think i can answer them briefly, so that’s good news!  🙂

1.  Favorite color ~ purple, no doubt.  Or pretty much any shade of it from lavender to deep purple.  It’s popular now, so that’s nice, but i’ve always worn a lot of it, and just like it around me.

2.  Favorite flower ~ Mmmmmm, i had to think a while.  i like hyacinths a lot, but i probably have to go with roses, even though that’s kind of cliche.  i really do love roses.

3.  Favorite cookie ~ Shortbread.  Started to say chocolate chip, cause i can eat some chocolate chip cookies ~ although i prefer them crispy not soft.  Omg, Pepperidge Farm Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip cookies…  mmmmmm.   But my all time favorite is shortbread. 

Thanks for asking!!

Jade ~ i’m saving yours, i’ll work my way through them.  They require a little more introspection, which will also be fun!

i like Mick’s suggestion of a guest poster for when i need a break too.  Any volunteers out there in cyberspace?

So, it’s not like i’m going to quit posting every day right now.  The same thing that keeps me cleaning the stove til i’m using a toothpick is at work here.  i will have to drag myself away kicking and screaming just to skip a day.

i’m also the type of person that when it’s time to leave somewhere, i announce that it’s getting to be that time long before i walk out the door.  Just saying.

i really appreciate the support i got yesterday in all of your comments.  i didn’t start out looking for support, at least i don’t think i did, but it felt good anyhow.

And ~~

i’m so excited to know that Sir is planning to continue my training.  i can’t wait ~ well, i can, but you know what i mean… 

Changes…

14 Mar

Changes are coming for me, maybe not so much in my kinky life, but in my vanilla life for sure.  Changes at work.   Good changes i think.  i don’t know what that will mean for the blog.

i have this feeling that i may not be an every-day-poster forever.  i don’t know.  You know, i have this vanilla book i need to be working on… but when my work situation changes, i might have time to do it all.  i don’t know.  

It’s funny how i got locked into the whole idea of posting every single day.  ‘Nilla inspired me, way back in the day when i was new to the blogosphere, and i haven’t missed a day in practically forever.   

Sigh…  well, i’m still posting today, even if it’s kinda boring,  so there’s no need for me to worry about it.  

When i think about not posting every day, it feels like i’ll be losing a piece of who i am.  i can no longer imagine starting my day any other way.

On the other hand, there’s a quote – and of course i can’t find it this morning, something about being willing to give up part of who you are for the chance to be the person you can become, or some such…

If i had put this much energy into my book for the last two years, i would have more than finished it.  But ~

if i had not put this much energy into the aisha blog, i wouldn’t have the confidence i need, and maybe not the wisdom either, to finish the damn book.  So there.

But.  i’ve been thinking about that this morning.  Some of the things i write about here, i need to move into my vanilla life.  i think maybe some of the energy that i put here needs to move.

Big sigh.

But maybe not.  And not today.  No changes today.

i’m coming up on another year anniversary for the blog, and getting real close to 100,000 hits.  That’s pretty exciting.  i never, ever thought that would happen ~ or i thought if it did happen, it would take a lifetime to get to this point.

In the past week, i’ve had hits from 33 countries, including Russia, Korea, and the Czech Republic.  How cool is that?  i know, youall do too, it’s just kind of amazing to me that i do.

It’s still March ~ Q & A month ~ so if you have questions for me, call ’em out.  No need to raise your hand, just speak up.  i know, my last answers got a little long and intense, but it doesn’t have to be like that.  {laughing}  You can just ask me what my favorite color is.

Good grief, i sound a little whiny, don’t i?  Ugh.  i hate that.   And really, i’m not upset or sad or anything.  Just contemplating changes…

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings.” 
― RumiEssential Rumi

Home

13 Mar

i hear His car out front.  Hear an engine stop, and i look out the window.

Yes!  It is Him this time, and not some random neighbor!  

It takes Him a minute to get to the door.  He has to get His bag, {His toy bag} and His laptop, and His bag with His clothes.  Close the car doors…

Which gives me plenty of time to stop whatever i’m doing and meet Him at the door.  i open the front door, so i can see Him  as He comes up the path, open the storm door as He gets to it.

In one movement, He steps through the door, drops His bags to one side, and wraps His arms around me, or i wrap mine around Him, somehow, we’re wrapped around each other, holding on.

Pressed to His chest, i think i can feel His heart beating…  if i stretch up the least bit, my lips reach His neck, right at the shoulder, and i kiss that spot ~ and He tilts His head a little so i can reach better.

i love the feel of His skin under my lips, His taste.  i touch the tip of my tongue to His skin and feel Him respond.

His shoulders are solid and strong, i can feel the muscles of His back under my hands.  His arms encircle me, His hands are firm.  i am caught and contained, held…

and my whole body sighs with pleasure and relief.

i am home.