In the Morning

10 Apr

Blogging in the morning makes me hold still long enough to figure out what i feel.

Sometimes i struggle with it, the holding still.  i bounce around Facebook ~  google some quotes, looking for one to post ~ read some other blogs ~ check my bank account balance…  That just delays the moment.

This moment.

When i have to be still and listen to myself.  Feel my own awareness of myself.  Like a circle, like a dance, turning inward, in tune with me.

My submission is here, my heart, my center.

It spreads through me til my palms tingle.  Relaxed.  Alert.  Waiting.

i wish He were here.  i want to sit at His feet, maybe curl against His legs.  There is something about being at His feet that draws me.

i think He doesn’t understand how deep my submission runs.  i think He thinks it is all kink and fun-and-games.  Or i don’t think that ~ not for real ~ but for right now, i do.

i think He doesn’t understand.  The images in my head, the strength of the desire to be wrapped in Him.  i don’t think anyone can understand.

The intensity of expression ~ spankings, cock worship, obedience and rituals ~ those are ways to begin to manifest the feelings.  Move them from abstract to concrete.

********************************

Yeah, i wanted to write more about that, only it’s not what’s really on my mind.  i screwed up yesterday ~ well, Sunday night really.

It wasn’t ~ i don’t think it was a huge, big deal, but it bothered Him.  i apologized .  He commented on the situation.  i apologized again.  He explained why it bothered Him.  i apologized again.

Do you see what’s missing here?

i’m looking for that “it’s ok,” moment of apology acceptance.

i don’t think He’s going to offer it.

i don’t think i want to ask for it.

Right now, i’m just waiting to see what happens.  i don’t think He’s mad at me.  i don’t think He hasn’t forgiven me.  But i’m curious to see if He’ll do an “it’s ok,” or not.

So that’s on my mind.

After all, better to think about that than thinking about doing my taxes.  {Laughing…}

BTW, when i google “at his feet,” and then go to images, i get mostly religious images.  There was this one:

but it’s billed as a “pre-middle aged gigolo in a tuxedo…” which is not what i’m looking for, and it doesn’t have the feel i want.

This one was interesting:

but still doesn’t have quite the right feeling.

These do though:

And isn’t that interesting?

 

16 Responses to “In the Morning”

  1. Striving for Peace April 10, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    We all make mistakes —
    particularly when we’re learning each other

    hugs

    sfp

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

      Dear Sfp,

      Yes. i’m ok with that ~ honestly. And ok whether or not He says, “It’s ok.” Am mostly just curious to see if He will… and thanks for the words of wisdom.

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. jade April 10, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    i’m laughing over here. My immediate mental image, one that holds fast, is of a nun prostrate on the floor. You know, the moment that she lays down as a woman and rises up as the bridge of Christ. i went looking at the poor Claire site to find the exact picture that resonated with me, years ago. What i found looking on the web instead was….wait for it….Nuns smoking.
    Then i noted that what had an emotional impact on me was views of cloistered nuns. Right til i realized that one Nun was against a wall that looked suspiciously like Sir’s. Um. Yeah.
    Sheesh. Never connected those dots before.

    i had a nice image of a cloisered Nun, behind the iron vines, that seperate her from everyone else but i can’t paste it.

    And….PS …nuns *smoke*?!!?
    Maybe i should have paid attention when my therapist as a kid told me she had many friends who were nuns and they did all sorts of things that were not perfect. i think i plugged my ears.

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:06 pm #

      Dear Jade,

      Quit laughing ~ not funny, not nice to laugh at nuns. (giggling…)

      Yeah, i knew nuns that smoked. i have actually been friends with nuns. YOU are entirely too amused by this! i agree with your friend, they are just people.

      laughing…

      aisha

  3. lil April 10, 2012 at 10:38 am #

    “i think He doesn’t understand. The images in my head, the strength of the desire to be wrapped in Him. i don’t think anyone can understand.”

    I understand. And I also understand the thought that no one could possibly understand. I’m not trying to be difficult, promise lol.

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:07 pm #

      Dear Lil,

      i KNOW you’re not trying to be difficult…laughing.. i know exactly what you mean!

      Thanks!! And hugs,

      aisha

  4. mouse April 10, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    Ya mouse knows that feeling. Omega rarely says “it’s okay,” either. Maybe he just doesn’t think he needs to….but sometimes mouse needs to know that she’s forgiven…yanno?

    There have been times when he’s been sooo angry with mouse he’s just rolled over and slept on his side away from mouse…far away…on the other side of the bed, which at that time can feel like the other side of the world.

    Somehow normally through some action, mouse finds her way to that warm snuggle spot she needs…despite him being suffocatingly warm, the need to be close to him is far greater.

    And there are those other times, many of them where mouse has that undeniable need to crawl inside him…

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:14 pm #

      Dear Mouse,

      Yes. i can imagine that.

      Nice to know it’s not just me. And my Sir. 🙂

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. Conina April 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    I understand. I understand thinking no one can never understand, too.

    We had a brief moment Sunday morning where he sat on a chair and I sat between his feet, my head on his thigh and his hand petting my head, and all was right with the world.

    I want to sit like that more, but it’s a slow process to make that a “normal” looking thing to the others in the room.

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

      Dear Conina,

      Yessss!

      That’s what i’m talking about. Thanks.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. alittlekinky April 10, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    I love the last middle picture.. so safe.. protected.. happy… at peace.
    I hope that you feel the same. We all make mistakes, it’s in using these mistakes as a learning tool to make your relationship stronger.. not hold us back is the key.

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:16 pm #

      Dear Amaia,

      i felt the same way about that picture. Even more than the others, it made me long to be there.

      And yeah. i know that’s true.

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. greengirl April 10, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    I’ve had long discussions with a friend of mine about this kind of thing – the need and desire for me – for my side of the coin- is somehow not at all a mirror image of his – his is no less intense – but it works at a different angle.

    And – i think that there is a balance a Dom must strike in being forgiving and reassuring – and being a bit – gruff, or strict, or aloof – not sure what the right word is. But i think that, for me at least, there is a level of “suck it up buttercup” necessary for me to feel like i can’t push and pull him the way i want. It makes some things feel hard, but i need for some things to feel hard. You’ve found him to be caring and good for you in other things – maybe this is his way of feeling around for his balance.

    • aisha April 10, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

      Dear Greengirl,

      Wise words. Thank you so much for sharing them. i really think you might have a point.

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. faithful April 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

    I have a hard time believing you screwed up anything…. yeah…. I know you are human , but I just can’t believe it 🙂 I did something not so good (okay ..realllllly bad) way back when… long ago… and “its okay” would never have come from Master’s mouth….. even though he did forgive me.. it wasn’t okay.. so why would he say it? He did say..”don’t ever do it again” … but not “it’s okay”. I doubt you did anything close- but perhaps it just didn’t warrant an “it’s okay?”

    okay? 🙂

    ~faithful

    • aisha April 11, 2012 at 5:33 am #

      Thanks for that vote of confidence, Faithful! It really wasn’t anything that bad, and He may not even think it warrants an “it’s okay.” But it’s interesting how much i’ve wanted it, and just watching myself and Him to see if He gives one…

      hugs,

      aisha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: