Punishment nite

12 Apr

The first text said, “On my way now.”

The next one said, “Punishment nite, your ass is mine.”

That got my attention.  i was already focused when i heard His car pull up.

i was so glad to see Him.  i greeted Him at the door, wrapped my arms around Him.  We have both been close to death lately; He’s mourned the loss of several young men He knows, and i had been grieving my friends’ baby.

In some relationships, He might have held me for a while, encouraged me to talk, offered sympathy and concern.  Instead, He let me fix Him some coffee while He explained my punishment.

“It’s not so much for the things you might have done ~ maybe not calling me Sir when you should have ~ it’s not for things like that.  It’s for the things you’ve done that you can’t control.”

i listen attentively, quizzical. 

“It’s for the times you doubted yourself that you shouldn’t have,” He says.  “When you had no reason to doubt yourself.  It’s for the times you were overly confident, maybe vain.  The times you should have doubted  yourself, should have thought twice, and didn’t.”

It’s for other things too, He says ~ for things i’ve done wrong that no one even knows about, and for things i’ve taken responsibility for, accepted blame for, that weren’t mine to take, that weren’t my fault at all.

And when it is time, He leads me down the hall with one hand, carrying His canes in the other.  Bends me over the end of the bed, pants around my knees.

It isn’t a harsh punishment.  He names what the strokes are for as He goes along ~ 2 for self-doubt, 5 for saying yes when i should have said no, and so on.  He expects me to keep my hands stretched up over my head, and my feet on the floor.

It isn’t harsh, but i feel it, and there is a welt or two when He’s done.  

And a sense of relief.

That pesky little issue i’d apologized for more than once?  Gone.  O, more than gone.  And maybe some other excessive guilt things too.

And the heaviness of heart i’d been feeling all day?  Somehow, it lifted that too.  i am still sad, still grieving, but lighter somehow.  Better able to manage, to absorb the loss, to let the pain become part of me.

So it might sound strange, that He would punish me for the things i can’t control.  And maybe it wouldn’t be the right punishment for anyone else.  But it was what i needed.

Thinking about it this morning, i want to ~ i need to~ go tell Him, “Thank you, Sir.”

19 Responses to “Punishment nite”

  1. abby April 12, 2012 at 6:38 am #

    Having someone in our lives who knows what we need, and is willing t o give it to us….what a blessing! There are times when I marvel that Master seems to know me better than I know myself…scary and wonderful isn’ssst it? abby

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

      Hi Abby,

      Yes! Smiling… It is scary and wonderful. Sometimes more one than the other…

      Hugs,

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  2. sin April 12, 2012 at 6:50 am #

    It’s wonderful that he knows what you need, and that you agree. Although I personally might not call it “punishment”.
    -sin

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

      Dear Sin,

      I think you’re right. It’s not real punishment I suppose. But it’s not exactly funishment. What would you call it?

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  3. Striving for Peace April 12, 2012 at 6:56 am #

    oh — this reads like a fantasy

    just what you needed

    sfp

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

      @Sfp,

      Laughing… It does, doesn’t it? I really liked it.

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  4. poured out April 12, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    So nice that he is so in tune with what you needed. And that you got it.

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

      @Poured out,

      Yesssss. {happy sigh…}. It was excellent.

      Hug,

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  5. yesthankyousir April 12, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    Do you remember a few months ago, you had written out a fantasy, much like what occured for you last night. I responded saying something about intimacy, trust like that takes time to cultivate with one person?

    I think the two of you have cultivated it sweet.

    andi

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

      Hey, andi,

      Thanks – you’re right. Beautifully right.

      Hug,

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  6. Dancing April 12, 2012 at 8:48 am #

    I am happy for you. It sounds like you got what you needed to put you ina better place and that’s all we really want sometimes. Welts are always a plus too.

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

      Dear dancing,

      I read this: welts are always a plus – and had to laugh. It’s true, but how strange that it is !

      Thank you. :-).

      Hugs

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  7. jade April 12, 2012 at 8:58 am #

    Did he feel lighter too? i’m betting yes. i’m glad you got what you needed, at the time you needed it.

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

      Hi, jade,

      I rather imagine he did! If not at that moment, then later for sure!

      hugs

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  8. Amaia April 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this! The concept of punishemnt as a way to move past and move on was a concept that I didnt really understand. Thank you for sharing how it effects you. It did help me understand the “why’s” of it better.

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

      Hi, amaia,

      Thank you- it’s nice to know that what I write enlightens or touches people. I suspect that for those of us who struggle to forgive ourselves this kind of experience can be really helpful.

      hug

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  9. Conina April 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

    Being ‘punished’ for things I have no control over actually is very cathartic for me as well.

    • aisha April 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm #

      Hi, Conina,

      It seems like we often share things like this. What is it about this one? Is it a penitential rite of some sort?? Anyhow, I’m glad I have company.

      Hug

      aisha

      Sent from my iPhone

  10. nancy April 12, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    You are so blessed to have him in your life.. (and I believe as well for him to have you in his life).
    Being punished for things you have no control over but that cause you such stress is absolutely perfect.
    I admit to wishing I would have this experience some day. It isn’t exactly the sort of thing I would ask for but this gives me a lot to think about .. for future conversations.
    Thank you so for sharing.

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