Seeking Guidance

20 Apr

i’ve been doing what i want to do for a long time.  

Most of my life.  

i was an outwardly obedient child, but given half a chance, i did what i wanted to do.  And my parents kind of supported that.

My first husband was controlling but not very competent.  So i couldn’t really rely on his decisions, or even trust him to “remember” that he was the one that said we should do it that way and not the way i wanted to.  

But it wasn’t a D/s relationship in any shape or form.  And i spent an inordinate amount of time doing crisis management and damage control while trying to make it look like he was in charge.  Yeah.  Good times.

My second marriage ~ well, you know, he got so lost in alcohol that it’s hard to know what it could have been.  But he wasn’t interested in managing my decisions.  Which is probably just as well.

And sometimes, i do get tired of being “the rock.”


i think there are submissives who are into D/s {at least partly} for the opportunity to lay down the burden of responsibility.   To let go of the need for control.  

For sure, this:

Or this

And certainly this:

are very clear ways to indicate that i’m not in charge at that moment, right?

MoR used to say {not exactly in these words}  that it would be difficult to own me.  He said  i’m so competent that it would be easy to put me in charge of making his life easier, and get lost in the vanilla aspects of a relationship with me.  i think that his way to deal with that was by talking about keeping me naked all the time in the house, or branding me.  

Sometimes, i think i know what He means  ~ what he meant.


i’m not complaining about my Sir ~ don’t misunderstand me.  i’m just poking around in my own head.

i don’t know what i want.

i can’t imagine someone telling me what to do professionally.  Just isn’t going to happen.

Really, i can’t imagine someone telling me how many suitcases i could take on a trip.  It kinda pisses me off that the airlines are limiting me.  {laughing…}

And yet ~ i want to submit, to feel myself slide deeper into obedience.


i don’t know.

i’m not going to worry too much about it.  Some of it is my Sir’s to worry about ~ or to be concerned with.   i don’t need to waste my time trying to figure out how He should Dom me, right?


It’s easier to remember that when He’s got me tied up than when He doesn’t though.  And easier to submit to rope and spankings than to submit to waiting.


So ~ on a whole different note ~ i will ask youall for guidance on something.  

i recently got a request to review a couple of stories someone had written and agreed to do that.  It sounded like fun.  i’ll be posting the reviews on Sunday, most likely.

But yesterday i got an email purportedly from someone with BlogServicesInc , purportedly wanting to link my site to ads.  

So i figure it’s probably some kind of scam, right?  But i did email her back and asked for more information.

What do youall know/think/believe about this?  

17 Responses to “Seeking Guidance”

  1. Striving for Peace April 20, 2012 at 6:58 am #

    Hi Sis

    Not quite sure how those two (or if those two) are connected. I was contacted awhile back about doing toy reviews — and decided that I didn’t want to — and again to run some ads — and chose not to because to pay me for those ads I would have to come out — to someone about my identity — most likely complete with SSN — and decided I wasn’t interested in that.

    I am more paranoid than all ya’ll put together. I won’t even use my real phone number to get discounts at the store.

    as for the rest of the post.

    I think we all struggle with this
    with wanting more

    more than we really want
    more than we really need

    and I think those on the Domly side struggle with that too

    sinking in and really opening the floodgates of what they want to do
    what they fantasize about

    except — in many cases — it would destroy the relationship
    as often — our idea of “more control” would do too

    this is a life of decadence and restraint

    is it not?

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 8:40 am #

      Good grief, Sfp, That was a whole blog post right here. I love the ending, from: “I think we all struggle with this…” to that great line: “this is a life of decadence and restraint”

      Yeah. It is.

      Thank you.


  2. abby April 20, 2012 at 7:23 am #

    Wow, I really like what sriving said, and I agree. I also think that your relationship is still new, those questions, which are good ones, will be answered in time. As you get to really know each other better, as trust grows, my wish is that you both find the relationship that is right fo you….and it may look very different than you think! abby
    I would be leery of the add thing…

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      Thanks, Abby, You’re right. We are new, and very much still finding our way. i think we will grow our relationship into what it needs to be ~ at least i’m hoping! Your words “and it may look very different than you think!” have the ring of truth. And, um, make me a little nervous…

      Yeah, i think “leery of the ad thing” would be good too.

      Thank you,


  3. yesthankyousir April 20, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    Im not terribly aware of the reviewing stories/placing ads connection.

    I did want to comment on the other part. I think we all tend to rush things, rush courting, rush eating, rush spending time together. To get to the good parts. (Sex bondage pain submission pleasure) I’m guilty of it myself. When all sides are necessary. Especially
    waiting, it gives us time to look inward. Cultivate anticipation

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 8:46 am #

      Dear andi,

      Yessss, i know. Patience. Frigging patience. laughing… yes, thank you. i really do know that. It’s just {whiny voice} hard…

      “Cultivate anticipation” has a lovely ring though.

      Thank you!


  4. MsConstanceExplains April 20, 2012 at 9:22 am #

    I think one of the disservices we sometimes do to submissives who are newer to the dynamic is imply submission is easy. I think at times it probably is, I think that when you feel safe and comfortable, it probably is. I had a submissive tell me once that it wasn’t that he could give up control to just anyone, or that he would, but he knew me well enough to trust my decisions, to believe that I had, and used, good judgement, and that he could just relax. He talked about what a relief that was, but it wasn’t instant, either, it was based on knowing me for a while and observing me.

    I don’t think that turning control over is ever easy, and yes, the trappings make it easier, make it, maybe, less your choice, and more the way the universe has set it up for you. I remember hearing someone, who has been a slave to a very strong dominant with a large personality talk about it once. He was actually my slave’s best man at our wedding, in fact. But he talked about how sometimes submitting was hard, even though he’d been doing it for years, and even though he trusted her and loved her absolutely. He said that even so, sometimes he had to remove himself, go to another room, and remind himself that this was what he wanted, what he had chosen, and that this was what worked for him and his life. No one was making him do it, he could, at any time, turn around and leave. But he stayed because he trusted his owner, because he knew that this was the life he wanted, and because he had said he would.

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 8:59 am #

      Thank you, Ms. Constance, good point. While nobody said it would be all fun and games, those first rushes of submission are sooooo sweet… It’s like being turned loose in a candy store. And of course life can’t be all candy… sigh… {laughing}

      It is easier to want to do dramatic things than it is to be patient. The hard part is the little things. Not when you’re submitting with some pomp and grandeur, but the little things that no one would even notice.

      But it’s worth it. Yeah. Worth every bit, to work on building a solid relationship with a D/s or M/s dynamic.

      And thank you so much for the comment!! Like ‘Nilla says, i can hear your voice in it!


  5. Kitty the Submissive Wife April 20, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    It is your comment And yet ~ i want to submit, to feel myself slide deeper into obedience. that intrigues me. I call it kind of a breaking and I keep promising another blogger I am going to write about it. Well, in truth, the post has been written for weeks and I am afraid to let it see the light of day.

    The realization that came from it is that I do want to feel completely helpless and completely submissive for many of the same reasons you talk about above, but I don’t know if I want to feel that way only once or more than once.

    I am not sure if that helps you or not, but as always, I take something from your words.

    PS – Ads don’t bother me from people who are contributing and active in the community, but I assume there are those that would be bothered by it. I haven’t heard of those companies.

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 9:04 am #

      Dear Kitty,

      So now i am looking forward to reading your blog post! i totally know what you mean about “not knowing if I want to feel that way only once or more than once.” That does help, to hear it phrased that way.

      Thank you!


  6. vanillamom April 20, 2012 at 11:48 am #

    in my vanilla life, there are times I LOVE cooking. I love the blending and melding of foods and flavors.

    And there are more days when I stare into my cupboards and go “wtf?”

    Times I just HATE the mundanity of it.

    I think submission for me is just like that. Times I wish I’d never given up my “rights” to orgasm whenever the fuck I wanted to. When I so wish He and i were on equal footing so that I could poke and prod into the little nooks and crannies of HIs life.

    But there are far more times when I am just happy to be giving my submission to Him, giving myself to Him. I don’t lose my selfhood while in service…in fact, every time i gain a greater acceptance, and knowledge of who and what I am.

    (ps…i’m not quite as paranoid as sfp (grin) but i too am distrustful of those ad thingys.)

    pps….so so lovely to read Ms. Constance here. 🙂 I can hear her voice as I read her sage words.

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 9:09 am #

      Thanks, ‘Nilla, i love the cooking analogy ~ even though i’m really a non-cooker, pretty much. But yeah, i can totally see that.

      Submission is like taking a journey into oneself, isn’t it? i thought about that yesterday when i posted the quote about doing things you don’t want to do. i love to read your descriptions of your experiences.

      And yeah, Ms. Constance’s comes through clearly in her writing doesn’t it? {smiling…} Very cool.



  7. mouse April 20, 2012 at 2:22 pm #

    Dear Aisha,

    It’s weird, because Omega never tried to control the professional mouse. We would discuss options and he’d always leave it to mouse to decide. He didn’t always agree but he figured it was mouse’s thing…yanno?

    Submission is both easy and hard. Sometimes confusingly so at the same time. Sometimes we really do want it on our terms. Or rather it’s easier to submit when it’s stuff we don’t care about one way or another. Other times it’s sooooo hard and mouse goes kicking and screaming…but then it’s ok too…Omega just lets mouse bitch a bit — because he knows too mouse will just go along…not quietly…but eventually to submit to his will. He’ll wait for it…

    Sure there are a few things that mouse might be able to convince him of…but most times he’s mind is thoroughly made up and won’t yield. His reasons, at least to him are very sound.


    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 9:17 am #

      Dear Mouse,

      Yeah, i can see Omega leaving your professional decisions to you. i think when i start thinking about submission, i always start there ~ “well, i don’t want this” ~ because it’s a clear starting place for me. i had some brief, fun but meaningless conversations with some Dom years ago who kept telling me i’d end up unable to think about anything but him when i was working. After the third time i explained why that would never happen, and he insisted that it would, i decided the easiest way to ensure that was to move on.


      You know i consider you a role model of submission, so your words carry a lot of weight with me. For sure it’s easier to submit when we don’t care about the whatever-it-is! And i know from experience that when we do decide to go along, we can make it work. i really respect the way you and Omega work together. {And forgive me if i keep using the suitcase as an example… smiling… it’s a perfect example of something that’s not really important that would be really hard for me!}



      • mouse April 24, 2012 at 2:45 am #

        (blushing at rhe compliment) The suitcase is a perfect example of it! Totally didn’t mind at all. It is


  8. faerie April 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    Even though I have been submissive for years to my husband, that never included my professional life. But, I never had too many problems leaving work at work. I have a bit of a ritual, as soon as I get home I change clothes from the skin out. For some reason that always helped me to change from work me to home me.

    I’m skeptical of someone contacting you to put ads up for them, But I’ve been scammed before so it is a bit of a sore spot for me.

    • aisha April 22, 2012 at 9:21 am #

      Hi, faerie,

      Oooh, i like the idea of that ritual! i do change when i get home, but not from the skin out ~ well, i take off my bra, i guess that helps… But i think that’s the clearest boundary in my mind, the professional one, because it’s not something that someone else could be responsible for. Being in touch with myself is too strong a component of the work.

      The ads thing ~ yeah. i’m passing. Funny, when i responded to her email, she emailed me back and said, essentially, “Now remind me of who you are?” and i thought, yeah. i don’t think so. So i think it was basically spam, or just casting a net hoping to pick up a fish or two.



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