Twenty-four Hours

1 May

Twenty-four hours is apparently all it takes for me to start feeling abandoned and needy.

Twenty-four hours.

Despite the months of time and energy He has invested in me ~ almost nine months now ~ just twenty-four hours of not hearing from Him and my spirits sink .

With a frantic edge, i check my phone for messages.   Feel a tinge of despair when there are only new blog posts by faerie, ‘nilla, and little monkey,  and someone on fetlife looking for human equines.

How can this be?  How can i so quickly begin to feel anxious?

Feel.  Understand me ~ in my head, i know He has not gone away and left me.

i know this.

And yet.  

You know.  He didn’t answer my text last night.

Or my email from yesterday morning.

The last i heard from Him was night before last, He emailed me about 11:00.  i saw it when i woke up in the middle of the night, and that made me smile.  

But.

i haven’t heard from Him since then.  That was Sunday night, here i am on Tuesday morning, fretting.

And it’s not like i think i’m not gonna hear from Him again.  Good grief.  i’ll see Him tomorrow.  So how can i be on edge about not hearing from Him?

My email dings ~ is it Him?  

No, it’s the local newspaper.  Or an ad for Dress Barn.  Or a reminder of a meeting later in the week.  Not Him.

Sigh.

i piddle around on the internet, reading blogs, checking and rechecking email.

Silly.  This is silly.  i know that.

i think i should go get busy.  Distract myself.  Quit thinking about Him.  Back away.

i think i should email Him.  Tell Him how i feel.  Let Him see how ridiculous i am.  Open myself to whatever response He’d make.

i’m uncomfortable inside, and i want to get away from that feeling.  i feel an emptiness, the sense that something’s missing ~ i think it’s Him.  That must be what’s missing.

Or maybe it’s food.

Maybe eating something would fill the gap.

Then i read some Pema Chondron.  She says:

“It’s a transformative experience to simply pause instead of immediately fill up the space. By waiting, we begin to connect with fundamental restlessness as well as fundamental spaciousness.
~~  Pema Chodron, from “When Things Fall Apart” 

Sigh.

So i will breathe, and try to tolerate that empty space for the time being…  while i wait.

 

31 Responses to “Twenty-four Hours”

  1. striving for peace May 1, 2012 at 7:15 am #

    you know — we train each other to react.

    If normally he answers and email in and hour
    and then fails to answer more than one in a day

    it pushes our buttons.

    so that part of it is normal sweetie — because you guys normally have a pretty fast turn around on things

    I think you’re doing the smart thing
    you’re writing out the anxiety

    and it’ll be easier once you get to work
    home sucks sometimes — too much free time.

    hugs — and shoulder bumps

    sfp

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:18 am #

      Hey, Sfp,

      You’re so right, it is because i’m used to him being responsive to me. And it’s not like He hasn’t warned me. He’ll say, about one day a week, you won’t hear from me. So it’s not a total shock.

      And then i got an email from him about 10 minutes later.

      🙂

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. sin May 1, 2012 at 7:28 am #

    Yeah, I get this. Only too well.
    -sin

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:19 am #

      Hi, Sin,

      {waves}

      Cool. i didn’t know that would be something you’d experience. Thanks.

      aisha

  3. joyce May 1, 2012 at 7:49 am #

    Kinda scary…you sound addicted and suffering withdrawal. Concentrate on something else and time will fly by until you are together again.
    Joyce

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:20 am #

      Hi, Joyce,

      Laughing… is that how it sounds? Yeah, i guess so. Maybe there is an element of addiction there. And He is a better high than crack or meth…

      Seriously, yeah, i can see why it sounds that way. Fortunately, i’m pretty good at managing my feelings when i need to.

      Thanks a lot for commenting!!

      aisha

  4. faerie May 1, 2012 at 7:52 am #

    I’m sorry it was just one of my posts and not an email from your Sir. I get anxious if my guy is late getting home from work, just a matter of minutes and my mind goes to the dark place and the worries overwhelm me. I hope you hear from him soon 🙂

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:22 am #

      Hi, faerie,

      Lol – yeah, but comments are just lovely in their own right, and ones from you are particularly delightful!

      It’s funny how much anxiety we carry, isn’t it?

      And yeah, i did. About 10 minutes after i posted.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. greengirl May 1, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    There is something about this kind of relationship, or maybe about this kind of woman, I’m not sure, but i think maybe the relationship. I went for years of our marriage without ever worrying or questioning him. But it has taken me nearly three years to start to relax with the ups and downs of this new dynamic. For me, it’s not a question of him not physically being around – he’s stuck in that regard – but i question his commitment, i default to thinking he’s going to back out at the first opportunity. It’s easy to say, but there really is so much more exposure and risk and interdependence. We are trained against that – it takes a long time to learn it and to be able to trust it so deeply. You seem to have found some good ways to cope. I think that each time we do cope successfully, we learn the trust a little more deeply.

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:24 am #

      Hi, Greengirl,

      Thanks so much for your comment ~ i appreciate the way you build on my thoughts through your experience. It is different. i think it’s the relationship, but maybe it’s something about us too.

      In any case, yeah, the risk and exposure and dependence, and interdependence and all of it is new and powerful. It is the flip side of what i had to learn in my youth, and i think that makes me appreciate it all the more.

      Thank you,

      aisha

  6. vanillamom May 1, 2012 at 8:28 am #

    I find your response perfectly normal, actually. 24 hours would slay me. Master and I have a rule…a morning text from me, and a goodnight one. No matter how happy or sad, if I am mad, or upset…I still *must* send the texts, even if it is just “good morning Master” so that we each know the other is, at the very least, alive 🙂 .

    That sounds funny, to write it like that, but the fact is, we are apart a lot, and …how else would we know if something went amiss.

    There are no guarantees that He will answer any of my rest-of-the-day texts…but I send them anyway…it helps me feel connected.

    and yesterday I checked my email and phone spastically too. Feeling disconnected from everything, I guess.

    you are not alone. I swear it!

    Hug,

    nilla

    • abby May 1, 2012 at 8:48 am #

      I know too well how you are feeling…I have the same rule as vanilla mom, and almost always get a reply, it is reasurring, When master and i were first starting out, I was upset at what I saw as “neediness”, I was into middle age, and had never felt it for another so keenly. I now accept..most of the time,.. that it is part of my submission, it was what makes me vulnerable and open…it is special. abby

      • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:29 am #

        Hey, Abby,

        Yeah, it’s odd growing into accepting that neediness, particularly for those of us who are also strong and independent. i wonder sometimes what middle-age will bring for those submissives who learn submission early.

        Thanks for sharing your experience, Abby.

        aisha

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 6:27 am #

      Dearest ‘Nilla,

      So my rule is at least one email a day, but that’s from me. He doesn’t have any rules. ‘

      {giggling}

      And i know your Master doesn’t either!

      But i appreciate having company in my anxiety ridden state – thank you, “nilla. i can always count on you to “get it.”

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. faithful May 1, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    I understand as well- even after 2 1/2 years- but like abby says what helps me is to accept that it is part of the submission. Perhaps however you and he can agree to a touch a day… even if it is just a quick symbol or “HI” message. Think about what it was like before cell phones and the internet. 24 hours or even 48 hours is really not a lot of time passing. Men are able to compartmentalize so well and that short (long) amount of time to them is just not the same as it is to us.

    Hugs!

    ~faithful

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 7:35 am #

      Hi, Faithful,

      Yep, it would be nice if He agreed to some communication at least once a day. Like i was telling ‘Nilla, He’s agreed that i need to communicate with Him at least once a day.

      HE, on the other hand, has made it equally clear that there will probably be a day during the week that i don’t hear from Him. In my head, i don’t actually think that’s unreasonable. He is, after all, my Dom, so really, He can make the rules up as He goes along.

      Laughing… and really, i’m ok. Feeling anxious isn’t a terrible thing, it’s just a feeling.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • vanillamom May 2, 2012 at 8:25 am #

        one wonders if He builds that “day away” into they dynamic on purpose…certainly there are days when it cannot be helped…but don’t you wonder, sometimes, if he puts that day in there randomly, JUST to make you twist in the wind a bit? A different form of torture, but one that certainly generates a deep response for you?

        nilla

  8. mouse May 1, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    aisha,

    Heck, we live together and mouse feels that way. Sometimes she’ll send him a text and he won’t reply (because he usually will eventually). Then it will come around lunch time and mouse will notice that he moderated comments but never replied to the text….so…

    It causes her to worry…and that worry rises. Until he gets home…

    He was busy and his phone was dying…or he just didn’t think it needed a reply. Or He wanted to wait until we spoke..

    It’s hard…and lately there’s been this needy feeling that’s been ramping up…

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 7:27 am #

      Dear Mouse

      Yep. i can see how that would work. And really, it’s just part of it, isn’t it? Part of the dynamic.

      Hope you get your needs fulfilled!

      hugs,

      aisha

  9. Conina May 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    Like faerie, if my husband is more than five minutes late getting home from work I immediately worry. He’s regular like clockwork, and if he hasn’t told me he’s stopping somewhere I start to panic inside my head.

    A day of no contact without previous arrangements would send me into a spiral too. If he didn’t say “I’ll be really busy for the next day or so,” then I would be the same as you.

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 7:28 am #

      @Conina,

      Funny, isn’t it? And for real, a day is not a long amount of time. And he has told me that about once a week there will be a day I don’t hear from Him.

      And yet.

      The feelings arise.

      Thanks,

      aisha

  10. nancy May 1, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

    I understand exactly your feelings. If I don’t hear for a day I go nuts..totally nuts. No reason. He gets busy and time goes by and suddenly he hasn’t written in 17 hours.. and I’m a mess! Usually I do know if he is working hard or otherwise busy. Thank goodness because I worry just the way you .. and others do. I wish you peace this time and in advance for the times to come~~~

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 7:30 am #

      Hi, Nancy,

      Thanks – it’s been interesting, and affirming, to see how many people have the same feelings.

      And interesting that we feel that way. Always more to contemplate on in this D/s thing, isn’t there?

      Sending positive energy and peace back to you ~ for whenever you need it!

      aisha

  11. Ali May 2, 2012 at 4:00 am #

    Hugs… as you know, I have major issues with being left so as I read this, I just sat nodding my head. I understand everything you were thinking and writing. Only I would have already texted, emailed, and started to freak out. (clears throat with embarrassment… i did this all too recently) I’m here if you need anything.

    • aisha May 2, 2012 at 7:31 am #

      Hi, Ali,

      Hugs back to you!

      Yep, i do know that about you, and think it’s interesting that i wouldn’t say i have major issues about it, and yet, here i am. Right in the same boat with you.

      Except i tend to keep it to myself and just get crazy in my own head. lol

      aisha

  12. Vanille May 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    OH MAN. I feel you so much on this right now. It’s been about three weeks since my Master & I last spoke. She’s been SUPER busy with work. and I’m just going crazy in the head here. Every time I muster up the courage to text, I put my phone back down because I feel like I’m being a nuisance. -laughs- Just gotta keep busy while I wait for that text tone….

    • aisha May 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

      Hi, Vanille,

      Thanks for commenting!!

      And yeah, I know the feeling of wanting to text and backing off! It’s so hard. Cause really, how bad can a simple text be?

      Three weeks is a long time. You’ve got a lot of patience!

      aisha

  13. Anna May 2, 2012 at 9:55 pm #

    Aisha,

    I have been following your blog on and off for quite a while ( I’m a reader, but I rarely comment.) but this hits so strongly on my own feelings that I had to say something.. Like others have said, you are 100% NOT alone.. My Master and I live 600 miles apart, and we see each other 3 times or so a year.. So texting,calls, & skype is our life line. When we started out our relationship, we would spend literally all night on the phone talking, then on and off all day texting… as we grew closer, and life became more hectic.. that changed.

    Even now, if I don’t hear from him for a day…or, heck, even half a day… I get antsy and wonder what is going on… If we have no ( or very very little ) contact for a full day, my worries kick into super-omg-overdrive & I find myself franticly checking my phone, hoping he’s texted me and..yes, occasionally having complete mental breakdowns *looks sheepish*.. His life is complicated, and though I realize most of the time He is busy and will eventually respond to me… for some reason my mind still goes nuts. I’ve learned (like everyone else says.) to just do my best to keep busy and distract myself. Or, re-read old conversations…

    It’s funny how that works, though, isn’t it? Right when we’re having a mental breakdown, wondering why they aren’t texting/emailing… they suddenly do. It happens with me, more often than not. I’ll be telling a friend that we haven’t talked all day, or I’m worried about…. and then suddenly his text tone goes off and I squeal and attack my phone like my life depended on it, lol. I’m glad he responded to you and things are good now.

    • aisha May 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

      Hi Anna,

      Thanks so much for commenting!

      Sounds like you really can relate to the feelings. Funny, isn’t it? Cause it’s not rational, but it sure is strong.

      I can imagine that being 600 miles apart makes the phone and email and Skype super important.

      And yeah, there’s nothing like that moment when they do respond. {Smiling} It does seem to happen right when you’re thinking it never will…

      Thanks again for commenting – i’m glad this one resonated with you!

      aisha

  14. Fondlers Anonymous May 19, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    Heya.. I have deep-seated abandonment issues. my shrink tells me that’s what it is. so I HEAR you and i FEEL your anxiety. But you’re right… it’s just a feeling and my head KNOWS there’s nothing to worry about, but you can’t help feeling what you feel anyway. Still, HUGS and glad to hear that he made contact 10 mins later 🙂 I felt SOOO relieved for you.

    I’m lucky BIKSS is in constant contact with me unless there’s a soccer game on – but he tells me in advance most of the time when he’s not able to send me replies or if I should refrain from texting him cos he’s going to be busy etc.

    • aisha May 21, 2012 at 5:56 am #

      Hi, Fondlers Anonymous,

      Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to comment!

      Yeah, i think lots of us have abandonment issues ~ sounds like you’ve got a relationship that works for you. Cool.

      🙂

      And thanks for the support!

      aisha

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