22 May

The discussion topic on Sunday afternoon was negotiations.  There was {as always} a long list of questions:

–  What are the differences in negotiating a scene versus negotiating a relationship?
• What are the benefits and drawbacks of using a third party in negotiation?
• How do you assure that you are using the same definitions when negotiating?
• What’s the best way to approach a negotiation with another person?
• Do all parties have equal importance in the negotiation, regardless of power orientation?
• What’s the hardest part of negotiation for a dominant?
• What’s the hardest part of negotiation for a submissive?
• What’s the hardest part of negotiation for a dominant?
• Is it important to put parts of negotiation in writing?
• How do you negotiate changes over time in a relationship?
• Does every relationship require negotiation?
• Do different power relationships have different starting points in a negotiation or do all parties begin equally?

Lots of interesting questions.  In the submissives group, we tend to try to answer all the questions.  So, for example, we could agree quickly that the hardest thing for a submissive in negotiations is saying “no,” and risking not pleasing the person we most want to please.  We didn’t go into a lot of depth around the answers.

We did spend a long time talking about the first point ~ the difference in negotiating a scene and a relationship.  Some of the differences there are pretty obvious – a scene is short-term, a relationship long-term.  For me, the biggest difference is that if i were negotiating a scene with someone i wasn’t in a relationship with, it would be because the scene was something i wanted and not because i was trying to please him.  That might be interesting.

i’ve never “negotiated” the way some of the other submissive have for a particular scene or to experience a type of play, much less used a third party to negotiate.  My first “play scenes” were with Sir D, who pretty much just told me what he was going to do.  i trusted him not to harm me, and he was careful with me.  

Sir D took responsibility for checking in with me and encouraging me to say what i was feeling.  He taught me the importance of communicating what my experience was ~ what i was feeling ~ as best i could in that moment, and more clearly in giving him feedback afterwards.  It was a wonderful experience, but not an exercise in negotiating.


i do think all relationships involve negotiations, and Sir and i are negotiating our relationship in a rather organic way.  Not so formal, but very real.  

During dinner at Donna and Bill’s, He was telling them what He had told me early on in our relationship.  He had said, “Don’t have expectations about what kind of Dom I’m going to be.  I’m not doing this out of some book, so I may not do things the way someone else thinks they should be done, and I’m probably not going to change that.”

That has certainly been true, and if i sometimes think that i would like a more “by-the-book” Dom, i have traded that for a very real man who has great integrity and strength of character.   {Not saying that some of you don’t have all of those qualities in your Dom,  just saying that it’s an acceptable trade-off for me.}

At the discussion on Sunday, it was fun when one woman realized how the whole idea of negotiations in a relationship was a new experience for her and countered her history of either having to give in without question or having to strongly hold one stance without flexibility.  Just the idea of negotiating and having her right to do so  acknowledged and accepted was exciting for her.

It was also lots of fun when the groups came back together to hear Ms. Constance’s ideas on negotiations and what other Doms thought.    i had planned to write about that today, but will save it for tomorrow.

Am wondering too, what are your thoughts on negotiations?  As you look at the questions, are there any of those that you have strong thoughts on?  Leave a comment about it, or blog about it and link back here if you want to.

On a whole different note, i was reading Faerie’s blog this morning.  This was her 100th post, so CONGRATULATIONS on that.  But i noticed today ~

~ she says that she has to get her chores done before she even gets on the computer.   i thought, “what a great idea!  If i did that, i’d get so much more done!!”

But then i wouldn’t be doing this right now.  i never get done with everything i need to do anyhow…  so i probably won’t start that kind of rule.   But it seemed like a good idea for the moment! 


11 Responses to “Negotiations”

  1. Fondlers Anonymous May 22, 2012 at 5:57 am #

    I’m generally on the computer while I’m between classes… and chores don’t start till AFTER I’m done with work for the day. So while I agree with you that it’s a wonderful way to ensure chores get done first, unfortunately for me, it’s just not going to fit my web-browsing timetable. 😦
    (I left a load of laundry in the dryer yesterday that was supposed to already have been folded and put away!)

    • Fondlers Anonymous May 22, 2012 at 8:50 am #

      I APOLOGISE PROFUSELY!!! ok, i’ve changed it on this comment now so any future comments will show up with the correct url. Again, i’m sorry. (I’m usually meticulous about these things… I wonder how I could have slipped up! sheesh.)

      • aisha May 24, 2012 at 7:25 am #

        And no worries, not a big deal, i just wanted to make sure people could find your blog.



    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 7:25 am #

      Hi, Fondler,

      i think i’m going to have to call you FA, hope that’s all right…

      As for loads of laundry left in the dryer ~ what? You’re supposed to take them out? And fold them and put them away???? No one told me that. i thought you just waited til you needed to wear something ~ or had another load that needed to go in the dryer ~ before you did anything with them…



  2. striving for peace May 22, 2012 at 7:19 am #

    Back when I was on the market Dom-shopping — I got the experience negotiating with someone I thought I would become involved in

    it was intense.

    He asked me to write a document detailing what was and was not on the table. And he would pick at draft after draft.

    “do you realize that you’ve given me the right to…..blah blah blah….don’t you think that’s too early?”

    “do you realize that I could do A or B or C…”

    and he would have me write it again
    and again
    and again

    it was an interesting exercise.

    because I really didn’t want to do it
    and while doing it should have made me feel “in control”
    it made me feel very much like a student

    and his edits made me feel protected

    I thought that he used the process well to make himself my protector, advisor, instructor — AND tormentor all at the same time

    all things that you try to establish in a new D/s relationship.

    and as you know
    things didn’t work out with us

    it was a very interesting experience
    and taught me how to talk about things
    and put limits on things
    and slowly cede control — instead of throwing it all out there on the table from the get go

    interesting topic


    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 7:30 am #

      Hi, Sfp,

      Gosh, i remember when you were going through that. i thought it was pretty cool at the time ~ easy for me, though. Interesting reflections on it now. And it’s a really good example of how they control even when it looks on the surface like they’re not.

      Thanks for sharing this.


  3. vanillamom May 22, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    wow …tons of thoughts from me about this. I think my Master is a LOT like your Sir. That is just about exactly what he said to me at the start. He doesn’t play by a book, by a code of “shoulds” but what He wants and expects from me. He doesn’t want a sub cowering at His feet…but there is NO mistaking that I am not His equal in our relationship. Our dynamic is fluid, …but He has no compunctions about telling me to “shut up, nilla…” which frankly? I love. There isn’t a total “fairness” in our relationship but it also isn’t …*frustrated*…I just don’t have all the words today. It is not that my role is not valued. Nor that I don’t get a chance to state my case…or give my wants or needs…just it’s up to Him to decide the when, or if, or how of it. It’s a relationship in a way, but due to our vanilla lives, not in the way yours (or many others) can be. i am not His girlfriend. I am His slut, His toy, His whore, His friend. Really, I am totally happy with how things work with us…it is a dynamic that suits us.

    Periodically He’ll ask me (out of the blue, usually) about some of my fantasies. And He does His own research…I know He’s interviewed several Doms about enacting one fantasy..we’ll see how that plays out.

    As to the chores before computer time…believe it or not, I struggle with that balance, too. My latest incarnation is that the computer MUST be off by 9 a.m. so i can do vanilla stuff. Then I have writing time in the afternoon.

    Maybe you could do ONE chore before your computer time…and a different one every day?



    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 7:42 am #

      Nope, not doing one chore before computer time…laughing…not ONE!

      ‘Nilla! i get up at frigging 4 or 4:30 in the morning and start my day with a cup of hot water and lemon juice, the sole remnant of the famous 17 day diet. i get on the computer immediately. Maybe micro-waving the water and squeezing a lemon is my one chore???


      And yes, i think there probably are a lot of similarities in our relationships. 🙂 Although your dynamic is more settled – or it seems like it to me – because you’ve been together so much longer.



  4. faerie May 22, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    LOL aisha, I just get the “must get done” stuff done, there is always more to do. I tend to be a slow writer so once I get on and start reading other blogs and writing I can get lost for hours. Not great when you have people relying on you to be on top of stuff 🙂 It’s my own rule, I don’t like feeling like I let him down in anyway, plus I’m a little OCD with housework, lol.

    I love the topic today, we negotiated the relationship right from the start, but more informally. He was pretty clear about the changes he was willing to make and what he expected from me. Even though we didn’t ever say the words dominant or submissive until about a year ago, he has always been the one in charge and I’ve always known that. The clear expectations from and for both of us has made for a very nice 25+ years.

    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 7:46 am #

      Hi, Faerie,

      i’m glad you liked the topic! When i read your blog, i don’t get the impression that “nice” is the definitive word for your relationship with Musicman, but what do i know? i would have said passionate, exciting, and intense. But that’s blog-view, right? 🙂 “Nice” sounds nice to me these days too.

      And i can do the “lost for hours thing too~” and since i live alone, it’s too, too easy. No real conseqences.

      Sigh. Like right now. i need to finish getting ready go to work… bummer. 🙂



      • faerie May 24, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

        Isn’t passionate, exciting and intense nice? I think it is, lol 🙂

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