Negotiation Discussion, Part II

23 May

My favorite part of the Sunday afternoon discussion this time was when the Dominants and switches came back together.  We report back on the discussion we’ve had, and this is a chance to find out what the Dominants think about the topic.

Submissives may think that “saying no,” or “not pleasing my Sir” is the hardest part of negotiation.  Some Doms think that not being given an honest answer and being sure they know how we really feel is the hardest part.  One of the Doms was saying that he really wants to know if his submissive doesn’t like something or doesn’t want to do something.  That feedback is super important to him.

i appreciated his perspective, and shared the story of the time i didn’t tell Sir how i react to violent movies, and how poorly that worked out for me.   Ms. Constance wanted to know if i thought that was something worthy of punishment, and i said, “Of course!” because really, i think it was.  Of course, watching that awful, awful movie was punishment itself.

But anyhow.

Some other people said some things, mostly about how important it is for Doms to know how we really feel.  For us to say what we really want.  

It was nice.  i was starting to feel warm and fuzzy, like negotiations are designed to make sure i’m having a good time.  To make sure i really want to do the things He asks of me.

But it was an odd moment.  There were some other feelings there, i’m not sure what they were.

Then Ms. Constance busted that whole “make sure the submissive feels good” delusion pretty quickly ~ and i’m so glad she did.

Ms. Constance doesn’t really care if Drew feels like getting out of bed, turning up the heat, and fixing her tea.  That’s what he agreed to do and really, he just needs to do it.

As she talked, i felt a sense of relief.  

Her perspective is the mirror image of my own.  

My submission isn’t about finding the right kinky scene to satisfy my submissive self.  Kinky scenes, ropes and bondage, nipple clamps and spanking are great.  But they’re not what my submission is about.

i want to please Him.

And, as Ms. Constance says, if i don’t ever have to do things that i don’t much want to do, then what’s the point?  Ok, not things that would be harmful, not things that violate my hard limits.   But if there’s something that pleases my Sir, it’s ok for me to do it even if i don’t much feel like it right that minute.

Isn’t that the point of being a slave?  To please Him, to provide what He wants?  Even if it’s hard.

Especially if it’s hard.

And that’s where the real dance of negotiation comes in, for me.  If i promise more than i can deliver, i will disappoint us both.

i wanted to watch the god-awful violent movie from hell with Sir.  i’m not able to do that without freaking out.  i wanted to.  i thought i could.  i really couldn’t.

My first husband worked second shift for a while.  i used to go to bed with the kids, then get up when he came home to spend some time with him, then go back to bed and sleep a few more hours til I had to get up and go to work myself. 

That wasn’t something he asked of me, but he had talked about missing spending time with me, and i wanted to spend time with him too.

i did it for a while, but eventually all the broken sleep was just too hard.  i couldn’t maintain that schedule five nights a week.

If he had been a Dom, we could have negotiated around that ~ how many nights a week i could do it, or something like that.  Of course, if he’d been a Dom, he might have recognized that this wasn’t a realistic sleep plan for anyone long term.  He might have come up with a compromise plan before i failed in my effort.

So the negotiation is important.  The things i agree to need to be things i’m able to do, and i’m not always the best judge of that.

The desire to give overwhelms me sometimes, and i know {thank goodness for blogs} that it does youall too, sometimes.   It seems to me that the hard part for the Dom is figuring out how to help us contain that desire and channel it where they want it.

Does that make sense?  What do you think?

7 Responses to “Negotiation Discussion, Part II”

  1. MsConstanceExplains May 23, 2012 at 8:02 am #

    I’m so impressed I’m actually one of your tags for this blog. 🙂

    I do want to know, generally, what the people who serve me like and don’t like. It has been my experience that, if all I ever require of them is crap they hate, I will not have them around long.

    But the thing is, I think it’s about the dynamic more than the specific. It isn’t that drew specifically enjoys, for instance, making tea every morning. Sometimes he has tea, too, often he doesn’t. What matters to him, though, is that he is making it for me. It isn’t the act, it’s the service that matters to him, and to me.

    I do want to know the opinions of the people who serve me, generally, but that’s not an invitation to tell me how little you like making me tea early in the morning and how much you like sleeping in. I can probably surmise that all things being equal, warm and cozy in bed is better than padding around in the cold, waiting for water to boil, letting dogs out, emptying the dishwasher.

    I am aware that sometimes it sucks to be the slave.

    Sometimes, fyi, it sucks to be the Master, too.

    I am less likely to negotiate specifics than generalities. I have two slaves, drew and thomas. Both of them are long-standing relationships. drew has been in service to me since early 2000. thomas has been around since about 2002 or so, though not all of that time has been in my service, but probably half of it has been.

    I do not have contracts with either of them. Part of the reason for me is, it’s hardly worth writing a contract to say, “You will do as I ask, you will allow me to direct this relationship. Your choice is to do that, or to leave.”

    That sounds very harsh, doesn’t it? My way or the highway, but then, that is my way. Now, having said that, let me be clear that while I believe I have good slaves, I do not have perfect slaves. There have been times when both of them have done things that were not what I wanted. There have been hard times in both relationships.

    So, why are they still around? Because sometimes my role is to look past actions into their heart. My role, sometimes, is to look past what they say, or even do, to understand why, and how they feel.

    I wouldn’t show someone the door, usually, for a mistake, unless it were part of a long-standing pattern of mistakes, or something so egregious that it is unforgivable.

    My job is to see their worth as a whole, to allow them to make mistakes and to learn from them.

    My job is to be patient when they are impatient, to be calm when they are upset, to be a consistent and reliable.

    My job is to be slow to anger, to consider my actions before I move forward with them, to hopefully make them and their lives better by providing that support.

    My job is to allow them mistakes, to correct paths before mistakes become larger and more problematic, to give them the sense that I am in control, I am reliable and trustworthy and mostly reasonable, and they can relax.

    That does not mean, however, that I am, or should be, unfailingly calm and caring and wonderful. I know, I know, hard to believe.

    My job is also to demand things of them that sometimes they don’t particularly want to give, to tell them things they don’t always want to hear, to ask for hard things from them.

    If you know drew, you know that he is not submissive at all. He is courteous and respectful to most people because he is, but he is, in fact, dominant. He serves me out of love, and respect, and because he has more than a decade’s worth of personal experience that doing so makes his life better.

    thomas is submissive. He serves me because some of it comes naturally, and because he loves me, and he believes me to be an extraordinary woman, someone whom he is proud to serve. (I’m not projecting, that’s from an email of a couple of years ago.)

    So, despite my sounding like a hard ass – and I AM a hard ass, let me be clear – despite my not caring, on some level, if you’re enjoying what I ask, if you want to do it, it it personally pleases you to do what I ask at this moment, it does matter to me if you enjoy the relationship and the dynamic as a whole.

    I don’t care if you want to get up and make me tea on cold winter mornings, if you want to let out dogs, possibly clean up the mess someone might have made, if you enjoy unloading the dishes, putting them away, cleaning up the kitchen so when I come downstairs,

    What I care about, though, is if you do it.

    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 8:02 am #

      Dear Ms. Constance,

      Thank you so much for leaving this comment – it certainly expresses your viewpoint better than i can! {Go figure…}

      And really, i think it makes perfect sense. i appreciate the clarity of it, and the ~ i don’t know ~ the reasonable Dominance. If THAT makes any sense at all. It does to me.

      And i appreciate the reminder that Drew, who i dearly love, isn’t submissive. i know that to be true, and it fascinates me in some way. It’s helpful to remember that people don’t fit into little boxes, that there’s a vast array of possibilities.

      Anyhow. Thanks so much for adding a Dominant voice to the post!


  2. MsConstanceExplains May 23, 2012 at 8:06 am #

    That should have been, so when I come downstairs the kitchen is tidy. 🙂

  3. sin May 23, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    Very thought provoking Aisha, I do think there’s some negotiation in the relationship as a whole but not that much on the day to day stuff in my relationship.

    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 8:03 am #

      Hi, Sin,

      Glad you thought so! And no, i don’t see Big Bad giving much room for negotiation… {smiling at the idea} although i suppose he must have in the beginning?


  4. vanillamom May 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    aaah, Ms. Constance…it is always a joy for me to see you here. I just love hearing Your ‘voice’.

    And i find myself in agreement. My Master asks little from me, day to day (we’re not 24/7)…and on those occasions when I forget myself and start acting like His girlfriend…I’m reminded of my place.

    I don’t always want to do what He says. I wasn’t allowed to use a vibe the other night when I had permission to masturbate. I was pretty irked about it. And wound up not being able to make it to the goal line….and I sent Him a frustrated text, and later a “non-orgasm” report…

    which He found delightful.

    Because I obeyed. And because there was that element of torture of not being able to get there….and because despite being irked, my email wasn’t pissy…He knew where I stood…and that I was frustrated…and the entire scene pleased Him.

    It is in those little acts of submission that I find myself serving Him fully the way He enjoys…which (in a strange and convoluted fashion) feeds me as well.

    Aisha? great recapping!


    • aisha May 24, 2012 at 8:04 am #

      Dear ‘Nilla,


      It is nice to hear Ms. Constance here, isn’t it?

      And i love your description of how things work for you. Always. These days, he is ~ stretching who you are in the relationship, i think, and maybe who he is too. If you know what i mean.



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