One More Thought on “Being Broken”

13 Jun

In the comments on my last post on this, Joyce asked a question and i wanted to make sure i’m being really clear on this one.

Joyce seems to bring what the Buddhists call a “beginner’s mind” to the blog world and this isn’t the first time one of her questions has sparked a whole post.  This time she asks:

“Do you effect changes in behavior (pushing the limits) or “break” and completely restructure the basic personality of self to suit the Dom?”

So, i don’t know how one would completely restructure someone’s basic personality to suit the Dom, or to suit anyone.   “Basic personality” {not a technical term} is a combination of temperament and early experiences.  While you could damage someone so much that they no longer seemed like the same person, i can’t imagine that being anything positive.  i think Mouse and Jade both make that point in their comments.  

Mouse says:

We come here with our personal baggage, mouse’s baggage includes being broken and damaged by an uncaring dominant type.

i’m glad she says “dominant type” because i would argue that someone who abuses another is not “dominant” but simply abusive.

Jade says:

i have been broken in ways that destroyed my sense of joy, peace, excitement until i felt less than human

but then she goes on to say:

And that–has absolutely nothing– to do with what i think a slave is truly seeking when they are walking the path you speak of.

i was relieved to hear her say that, because it’s essential to recognize that when we’re talking about “being broken.”  Even in the extremes of TTWD, there is a difference between M/s and abuse.

Getting back to Joyce’s question, LM asks for the experience of “being broken.”   She says, “i want you to break me.”

Later, she goes back and defines that as:

Breaking me is pushing me past my boundaries, exploring my limits, making me cry, pushing me to painslut sub space where I completely rely on him to be everything in that moment, my tormentor and my savior, simultaneously.  When I am there all the noise in my head stops and He rules…. a very simple, visceral place, that moment..

It reminds me of The Teachings of Don Juan, where the seeker finds oneness with universe through peyote. Some people may even reach their version of “that moment” through mindfulness.

But the key factor here is that LM wants this.  Yes, her Dom originally says the words, but she wants it.  

Joyce, i think you’re thinking about some kind of intense training in which a Dom might teach the slave to behave in certain ways.  i would still argue that “basic personality” is not going to change, but i could be trained in ways that are pleasing to my Master.

“Being broken,” in my mind, is part of a spiritual journey of the submissive or slave, not for the benefit of the Master or Dominant.  So the experience is not really about Him or Her, it’s about the slave.   

This is only one of the ways that BDSM crosses paths with spirituality.  Back when i saw Raven Kaldera’s workshop at Cope last year, i became more aware of and more comfortable with that concept.

And i’ve been thinking about it as we talking about “breaking,” so i was delighted to see that my friend, Ms. Constance, has blogged about the connection.  

{Yes, ‘Nilla ~ our Ms. Constance has her blog up and running, isn’t that cool?}

You can read what she says here.  i’m curious to see what youall think about what she says.  And i’m glad to have the chance to introduce you to Ms. Constance.  She’s interesting and funny and wise.   i think you’ll like her.

In baby news ~ we have contractions, ~ well, my daughter does, not i, thank goodness ~ but they’re not regular yet.  Maybe today…  🙂


15 Responses to “One More Thought on “Being Broken””

  1. faithful June 13, 2012 at 7:55 am #

    I had a dream that your Sir sent us a blog message from you that the baby came today and all was well.

    YES – Seriously


    • aisha June 15, 2012 at 6:54 am #

      Dear Faithful,

      That’s too funny!! How cool…. i love that idea.



  2. vanillamom June 13, 2012 at 8:37 am #

    I have such a crush on Ms. Constance…she is so *amazing*… 🙂 I’m thrilled she is blogging, and sorry for the rest of the world that they can’t meet her in person. As to your post? Aisha, as usual, you do such a wonderful, clear job of explaining a concept that is, in reality, terrifying. Once you “grok” it…from our POV…it’s not. You have a gift for defining and clarifying that I envy.

    HUG…(and hoping for a safe and healthy delivery for your baby, and grand..)


    • aisha June 15, 2012 at 7:02 am #

      Hi, ‘Nilla,

      i know, Ms. Constance is amazing, no doubt.

      And thanks for the kind words. i’m glad my description of it speaks to you! 🙂

      And you know, thanks for the hopes for my grand-baby. Obviously, they worked!!



  3. mouse June 13, 2012 at 11:25 am #

    It’s funny aisha, mouse really wanted to say “assholes,” and sat for a long time trying to figure out how else to say it. LMAO.

    Just wanted to be sure that ALL Dom’s weren’t lumped into the same category.


    • Conina June 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

      This made me smile. You have far more tact than I do mouse, because I just say “assholes.” 🙂

      • aisha June 15, 2012 at 7:40 am #

        i’m with you, Conina!



    • aisha June 15, 2012 at 7:07 am #

      Hi, Mouse,

      That’s funny ~ i think “assholes” would have been very appropriate! Lol…

      And yeah, i think it’s super important not to lump all Dom’s in the same category – for sure they aren’t all alike!! Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Mouse.



  4. joyce June 13, 2012 at 3:14 pm #

    Thanks for answering my question and clarifying the term. I’ll check out the blog you mentioned. And yes, I have a beginner’s mind about BDSM. Very curious about it and my reactions to what I read.


    • aisha June 15, 2012 at 7:11 am #

      Hi, Joyce,

      Thanks for helping me think about what i was saying! I appreciate the way you help us look for what we really mean!


  5. monkey June 13, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

    One more comment on the topic of breaking, lol….

    Big Bad has said from the beginning, in regards to training, that he is not going to change who I am, just refine and define some of my behaviors. You can extrapolate correctly that I had some concerns along those lines early on. I am not at all concerned now.

    He helps me to be not only a better submissive, but a better person, but still the same person.

    David does the same, leading me to places where I can make that step myself. They have both been my guides on my journey. I think that is one major similarity all good Dom/Domme’s have in common, the desire to be a positive force in the subs life.

    • aisha June 15, 2012 at 7:21 am #

      Hi, LM,

      You make good points here, and i appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experience. i think it’s difficult for people to realize that BDSM serves a higher purpose ~ at least for many of us, there’s a lot of growth involved.

      i so agree with you.


  6. Wordwytch June 13, 2012 at 11:48 pm #

    This has been an interesting derivation on the theme. Wolf and I have been talking about this thread. We both agree that behaviors can be changed for the good of the sub, but not the personality. To do so would be unconscionable. Wolf says that BDSM is hacking the psychi. I agree. And, yes it can bring you closer to ‘god’. Most religions have a form of this and it seems that the farther to the extreme you go, the bigger the reactionary response. What has to be remembered is that M/s or D/s is a two way relationship. The Dom is in charge of the scene and the sub is in charge of the relationship.

    • aisha June 15, 2012 at 7:29 am #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      “Hacking the psychi?” i LOVE that. It is, isn’t it?

      And “the Dom is in charge of the scene and the sub is in charge of the relationship” is a fascinating way to put it. My Sir and i are chatting about it right now i might have to blog about it… Thanks!


      • Wordwytch June 16, 2012 at 12:38 am #

        Yes, it is hacking. Wolf is a computer geek and so many of his phrases come from that paradigm. He is spot on though. As for his other comment…. It is a good way to put it and I keep looking at it from so many angles. It just keeps making sense. Looking forward to your blog post on it.

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