Slut Shaming ~ The Discussion

11 Jul

i love your comments on yesterday’s post.  i’ll respond to them all, but there are some things i noticed, things i love about youall.

You responded from your own perspective.  You didn’t jump in talking about how other people are or what other people should do differently.  You shared your own thoughts and experiences.

You looked at yourselves while you were doing it.  You questioned yourselves.  You didn’t announce that how you see it is the only way to see it.  You were respectful of other people’s opinions.

In my opinion, that’s how a sex positive discussion works.  And i think that’s how we work.

i agree with Sfp.  We don’t stick around other people’s blogs if their kink is not our kink.  i think she’s right that we have a range, close to our own spot on the continuum, that we’re comfortable with.  If someone’s too far out of our comfort zone, we just quietly walk away.

i’m not sure that makes us clique-y or mean.  Maybe… i guess it could.  

But i don’t think we go away and talk bad about them behind their backs and make fun of them.  That’s slut shaming.  If you hear me doing that, tell me to stop it.  Please.

So i agree with Conina.  i think what we do is a sex positive way to handle differences.  We don’t feel the need to leave a nasty comment telling people how awful they are as we drift away.  We may think “Ick, i wouldn’t do that in a million years, or “tsk, that doesn’t sound consensual to me,” but

{i think}

 ~ we don’t usually think, “O, they’re disgusting, that should be illegal,  i need to make them see how wrong they are, they need to stop doing that right now.”

In real life, i am fortunate  to be part of a small community of people who are very intentional about being sex positive.  They work on being aware of their own stereotypes and judgements.   i’ve learned so much from them.  

In a sex positive culture, people are not pressured to have sex.   It’s ok to say no, and your “no” is respected.

That’s why faerie’s comment about her experiences were not off topic at all, they were right on target.  Being able to say “no” and have that respected is as important as being free to express yourself sexually.   And ~ in a sex positive culture ~ my “no” trumps your “i want to” every time.

Of course, if you’re being abused, your “no” means nothing, and the victim learns that what they want and need doesn’t count.  That moves us way down the sex continuum from sex positive to rape culture.

If you’re not familiar with the term, this blog from Shakesville does an amazing job describing it.   WARNING:  this article may be a trauma trigger.

And here’s a great example of something i learned to think differently about, from Views from the Couch.  The article is called, “You Didn’t Thank Me for Punching You in the Face,” and it could possibly be a trauma trigger too, although i think it’s less intense than the rape culture one.

Anyhow.  

Don’t feel obliged to read either of the articles, of course, but if you’re interested in the topic, they’re one perspective.  If my short links didn’t work, the addresses are at the end of this post too.

In the meantime, life is good here.  Tonight is date night for Sir and me, and it’s a good thing, cause i need some kinky attention.

i’m pretty sure i’ll get it too, cause when i asked Him what He wanted to do for dinner, He said He’d pick up a burger on the way home.  Then He added, “I don’t think we’ll have time for dinner tonight.  I think we have other things to do.”

THAT made my heart beat faster ~ and, um, made my pussy throb.  {There’s that word again, ‘Nilla.}  Good times ahead…

***********************

http://www.shakesville.com/2009/10/rape-culture-101.html

http://viewsfromthecouch.com/2012/02/12/you-didnt-thank-me-for-punching-you-in-the-fac/

11 Responses to “Slut Shaming ~ The Discussion”

  1. vanillamom July 11, 2012 at 9:01 am #

    *throb*

    I think it is the only word that fits there, really. 🙂

    It was an awesome discussion yesterday. I’ll check out the links later..but it was a good topic. Thank you for making “safe space” for all of us to talk openly in. Lovely online-bloggers convention!!

    Hugs,

    a non-throbbing nilla

    • aisha July 13, 2012 at 8:35 am #

      Thank you, ‘nilla. For the kind words and for your thoughtful comments. O, and for approving of “throb”. 🙂

      Aisha

  2. Kitty the Submissive Wife July 11, 2012 at 10:39 am #

    I love online-bloggers convention and I love that you called us out on being respectful – that was a very nice thing to do. Made me feel good to be here!

    I was just thinking it had been some time since we heard about some domination from you – I hope you have a geat evening and that it works out.

    • aisha July 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

      Thanks, Kitty! i’m glad you’re here too! 🙂

      And yep, well, you already know it was… 🙂

      Am i smiling too much?

      aisha

  3. faerie July 11, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    I’m happy my comment made sense to someone, lol. I’ve worked hard for a long time to turn something as negative as the abuse I went through into something as positive and beautiful as I have with Musicman. Having someplace as respectful and intelligent and stimulating as this community, and in this instance your lovely blog, to discuss it is a gift. Thank you 🙂

    • aisha July 15, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

      Dear Faerie,

      i love your comments, and i can tell that you’ve done some powerful work on healing. Thank you for the kind words…

      aisha

  4. Conina July 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

    I love that he said that.

    Indeed, thank you for starting the discussion – it was a good one and I was delighted to be able to participate with all the wonderful thoughts flying around.

    • aisha July 15, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

      Hi, Conina,

      Laughing… yeah, me too.

      Thank you! i appreciated your thoughts!

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. Wordwytch July 12, 2012 at 12:51 am #

    Aisha, you are beauiful and I hope you had a wonderful mindblowing date. 🙂

    As for the post and the two articles. Oh. My. The one on rape was one of those… yeah, I know… oh shit, ticking off the things listed.

    It was the other one though that made me cry. I lived with mental abuse from my ex for years. Way too many years. I did so even though I know I should have left. I stayed for a lot of reasons. Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt, and the thought that it was better to give my kids a two parent household.

    I tried to fix it. Tried to live with it. Tried to figure out where I went wrong. Always feeling it was me that was the problem. It had to be me, because I wasn’t fitting the stereotypical mom and wife. Oh, and don’t forget to wrap my kinky-bi-poly self in there too.

    Five friends, all who had survived abusive relationships, in less than two weeks literally stood on my feet and told me I was hurting me, and that it wasn’t MY fault. I cried. I listened. And I ran straight into Wolf’s arms. (#2 of that bunch) When I finally did stand up to the ex, he yelled and screamed and slammed a door so hard that he dislocated his shoulder and warped the door. I walked. Walked and left and while it took a while to get where I am today, I was done.

    Now, I have Wolf. Life is Safe, Sane and Consentual. We don’t fight. We don’t yell. We don’t tell our daughter that it’s okay, he hits/abuses/argues with you because he likes you. Not ever.

    Damn, I need a tissue.

    • aisha July 15, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

      Dear Wordwytch,

      Thank you for sharing this here… i know it can be painful to revisit those experiences, i’m so glad you’re out of that.

      We are really good at believing it must be something we’re not doing right, aren’t we? It’s so good that you had friends that were able to get that message across, and a place to go once you got it! There are so many reasons that we stay, and i totally think we all make the best choices we can based on the information we have.

      Thank you again for talking about it here.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch July 15, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

        And thanks for being you and having a blog which brings up things that need talking about. I obviously needed too, otherwise it wouldn’t have affected me the way it did.

        Wolf and I talk about how there are little bits of healing going on all the time. Some days we don’t even notice and other days they hit us right between the eyes.

        And yes, we are really good about talking ourselves right into the shit we should stay out of and then some. It’s a bad thing and a good thing… and when you have a Sir that lets you work thought those things, it’s even better.

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