Relationships, Kink and More

25 Jul

A friend of mine posted a link on facebook to this article.  The author, who is male, talks about the five ways our culture teaches men to hate women.

It’s a fairly intense article, and kind of left me feeling down.  But Sir and i had a long conversation about it Sunday morning as we were drinking coffee and getting ready for another day, and that shifted my thinking and led to a conversation with Ms. Constance Sunday night, and i ended up feeling much better.

Essentially, i think that relationships between men and women are evolving, unevenly and in painful jolts, but heading for some new ways of us being with each other.  At one time ~ think pioneer days ~ men and women couldn’t survive, couldn’t raise a family, without each other.  It took both of them to do all the chores of farming and hunting and making soap and dying wool and feeding babies and so on and on and on… a never ending stream of physical demands on their time and energy.

Obviously, that’s no longer the case.  We can actually survive without each other, on that level, just fine.  i may have added real coffee to Sir’s life, and the grass in our yard is green again because He waters it, but neither of us would have died without those changes.

i think some women have been more excited about the possibilities in this than some men.  i think some men feel like they’ve lost some entitlements.  

It often seems to me that women have adapted to the changes in gender roles than men have.  Maybe the changes have been more obviously to our benefit, at least in some ways.

But i don’t think that women don’t need men.  i think we do, just not so much for survival as we used to.  i like to think them men want women for something beyond sex and housework.

Sir says that the male drive toward wanting sex is like wanting anything real badly.  Like if you really want a boat, and you’d do anything to have one, you just want to know what you have to do to get the boat.

And if you have a boat, you want someone to drive it.  So to speak.

So He says sex, random sex, is like taking a boat out on a lake.  You can have a good time, but all you’re doing is going round and round, you don’t actually get anywhere.

He says part of maturity is recognizing that you actually want to plan the boat trip.  That the boat owner has to be involved, and you might want to take it out on a river, create a journey that goes somewhere.

We talked a lot about maturity, and the lack of initiation rites for young men, the lack of role models to teach them how to be men.

That always makes me think about the book Wild at Heart.   John Eldridge, the author, says that one of the things boys need is an answer to the question “Am I man enough?”   Eldridge says, and I agree, that they need a man to answer that question.

I can say, “Yes, you are, of course you are,” all day long, and it does not, will not, give a man the answer he needs.

Anyhow, i digress, a little bit.  i think it builds some resentment, though, in some men, when they “take the question to the woman,” as Eldridge says, and then don’t feel satisfied.  i think that some men think that access to sex ~ getting the boat ~  will make them feel like a man, only of course that doesn’t really do it either.

i hate the idea of a man trying to figure out what i want – dinner, flowers, promises of marriage – so he can give it to me so i’ll fuck him.  Ugh.

It makes me feel like the only part of me that exists for him is between my legs.  My “boat” if you will.  And that i can’t trust him, because he’ll lie or do anything to get to drive my boat.  So to speak.

For me, part of the beauty of kink is that the negotiations are different.   For me, kink says, “Hell yeah, you can drive my boat.  Don’t bother with the flowers.  But you have to actually see me.  All of me, not just the sexual part.”

i think Doms welcome that.  i think they want to see ~ and be seen.

i think BDSM relationships are setting new standards for ways we relate to each other.  Ms. Constance, when we were chatting at the munch,  said  the same thing.  We had worked in spirituality too, and the element of spiritual growth through TTWD.

Then, she quoted someone else, whose name i should have written down.  She said that he thinks BDSM is the next step in evolving relationships between men and women.

That means instead of being messed up and abnormal, we’re actually on the cutting edge of relationship wellness.   Interesting idea, isn’t it?

And here’s the link to the article:


14 Responses to “Relationships, Kink and More”

  1. abby July 25, 2012 at 7:57 am #

    You sure do like to make me think early in the morning! But as I look back, this relationship with Master , to me, proves your point. Going to check out the article after coffee. abby

    • aisha July 26, 2012 at 4:57 am #

      Hi, Abby,

      i do like to make you think! 🙂 Glad this makes sense to you!


  2. MsConstanceExplains July 25, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    The gentleman whose name I mentioned is Master Skip Chasey. He believes that S&M is, in effect, a “gift” we are given, a tool that we can use to expand our mines. It’s a pretty common in more primitive cultures to have an ordeal, that rite of adulthood that aisha mentioned. There are Walkabouts and Sweat Lodges and Ghost Dances and Trance Dances and more that test your physical prowess and your endurance.

    It’s an interesting concept, and were he to respond, he might correct me here and there, but that is the gist of it, anyway.

    • aisha July 26, 2012 at 5:01 am #

      Hi, Ms. Constance,

      Thank you so much! I knew I wasn’t doing this piece of it justice, and I started to text you and ask, but it was awfully early in the morning…

      i really agree with him about the link between S & M and initiation rites or ordeals that push you to physical – and create spiritual growth in the process.

      Thanks again for the input.


  3. striving for peace July 25, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    Let me say the one thing that should cheer you about that article.

    It’s in

    the source of all the base humor of our youth
    that the writer (I love him -he does good work) — is using his little strange corner of the world
    to call a brother out on his shit

    and yes
    I think he’s right

    and while I hate that he’s right
    I also love that he’s calling it
    and he write for an organization that targets
    men from 13 to 30

    it’s only sad that he’s not a radio shock jock
    because he could reach millions more


    • aisha July 26, 2012 at 5:02 am #

      Hi, Sfp,

      Hey, thanks for the perspective! That does make me feel good about it. Cool.


  4. Kitty the Submissive Wife July 25, 2012 at 9:50 am #

    The boat analogy is really good. H and I have talked also about the way that boys are currently raised. And the negative impact that it has on our society. I agree that there has to be a man to give a boy direction, and I think that is why it is still important to have both people around doing the raising, if at all possible. You need the softness and the strength for kids. Great post.

    • aisha July 26, 2012 at 5:05 am #

      Hi, Kitty,

      Yes. Two parent families do help, or at the least someone close to the family so the boy has a male role model for this type of growth ~ and so girl children have a better shot at healthy male/female relationships. You’re right, they totally need both masculine and feminine aspects.



  5. Wordwytch July 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    The article was interesting. Especially as I’ve been reading news articles on all sorts of Men vs Women issues from vaginal plastic surgery in order to have a ‘perfect pussy’ to ratner horrifying ones on FGM. (female Genital Mutilation) All of it has this ‘power over’ tone.

    I find it amazing that even in this day and age that the sexes are so screwed up and that some of the healthiest relationships I know come from the Kink or poly community.

    • aisha July 26, 2012 at 5:29 am #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      i know ~ vaginal plastic surgery ~ that’s obscene.

      And i’m beginning to think that kink and poly relationships are onto a healthier way of relating – so it’s not surprising that we find thriving relationships there. Pretty cool…


  6. Wordwytch July 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    PS…. love the picture. It goes right along with one of my favorite quotes from Practical Magic…

    “My Darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is
    not a virtue, it rather denotes a lack of courage.”

    Aunt Francis from “Practical Magic”

    • aisha July 26, 2012 at 5:30 am #

      And i love that quote!! Not familiar with the book, i’ll have to check it out! Thanks…


      • Wordwytch July 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

        The quote is actually from the movie. One of my favourites.

  7. Bridgette July 27, 2012 at 9:29 am #

    I just found this blog and I have to say thank you. I agree that children need both men and women in their lives. My daughter is three and since my husband past I seriously worry about that. He was the kind of manly man who enjoyed and respected women. I knew when he proposed to me that he was the kind of man I wanted to have my future children around. Now that he is gone I know that I won’t ever be able to fill that missing role. I will be the best I can for her and I do not feel guilty about it but hope one day she will have a good male role model in her life. I appreciate the boat analogy and hope I remember to use it when the time comes. Bringing up BDSM to her though……I am just not sure about that, especially since her father and I had a mostly vanilla relationship, but again I agree that D/s is on the cutting edge solving many problems with relationships because I believe there is more of an awareness for the need to define and recognize each person’s role in the relationship. My husband cooked and fixed broken things, while I did the finances and the schedule. I made most of the day-to-day decisions but if he put his foot down that was what we were doing because he was the head of the house. This made us happy even though our roles weren’t strictly 1950’s conventional. That kind of love that includes versatility, respect, and accountability I hope to be able to teach her somehow.

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