30 Jul

We touch often.

First hug in the morning ~ i am up, coffee’d up and ready for life ~ He comes out of the bedroom bare-chested, a little bleary-eyed, and wraps me in His arms.  

A quick caress as we pause to share a story, side by side at our computers.  He squeezes my knee, touches my shoulder.   i walk by Him and stroke His back, kiss His neck.

Coming home ~ we hug at the door, wrapping each other in welcome.

He tucks me in at night, His hands stroke my body, marking me His til morning.  My legs, my hips, my chest and shoulders, back and arms.  My breasts.  i feel His caress like a blessing.


i’ve become aware ~ intensely aware ~ that the touch can shift.   The sensual touch can become the sexual, warmth replaced by heat, tenderness moving into passion, driving me up to arousal.

I am open to Him.  

If He chooses, He can use me, however He chooses. 


This is a dangerous moment for me.  

In my first marriage, my husband would not allow me to deny him sex.  This was not consensual, this was how he was.  If i said no, he’d force me.  Not in a lovely consensual kinky sex way, but in a “i can’t believe he’s doing this too me, omigod, i feel like he’s raping me” way.

He would not touch me tenderly or lovingly ~ it might start that way, but it always quickly developed into a demand for sex.

i needed touch so badly, and sometimes would cringe when he touched me, knowing that it was always just a quick prelude to fucking me.

So it is a risky moment when Sir comes up behind me while i’m doing dishes and touches me, reaching around me to pinch my nipples.  Part of me slips into an emotional flashback, and i feel an urge to pull away, to say, “don’t touch me.  Please don’t touch me.”

i work to remind myself, that was then, this is now, it is not the same.

It really isn’t the same.  i know this.

He has not been demanding in those moments.  He hasn’t tried to push me or force me in any way.   He’s in tune with my physical responses, not oblivious to my reaction.  

Because He is gentle and aware of me, i can be open to His touch.

Lately, i’ve become more aware of my openness to him, aware that He can take me as He pleases.   It gives me a physical thrill, just the thought that at any time He could decide to use me.

And it makes me nervous.

i wanted to be open to my husband, back in the day.  But when i tried ~ well.  It wasn’t really a good idea.   It wasn’t a safe space for me to practice submission.  He wasn’t a Dominant, and He didn’t have the sense of responsibility, leadership or self-control that is necessary to be in charge. 

My Sir is a Dominant, and He is my Master.   Together, we create the space where it is safe for us to be who we are.   

i am so grateful for that.


19 Responses to “Touch”

  1. Greengirl. July 30, 2012 at 9:09 am #

    That is one of my struggles too. But the learning, or reconditioning our skin and our brains really does happen, slowly. Every time it’s a good touch from him overwrites that old pattern. And the fact that you watch this and cooperate with it consciously is so cool. I love reading about the wonderful ways you two are growing closer.

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

      Thank you, Gg,

      You know, i bet this is a struggle for a bunch of us… The process of healing is fascinating, isn’t it?



  2. abby July 30, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    I struggle with this also.. I love the sentiment,,,we create a space where we are safe to be who we are. That’s it isn’t it…and it is such a relief and joy! Master often tells me we complete each other…much the same as you just said.

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

      Hi, Abby,

      Yeah. Lots of us out here struggle with this, i think. And we do, we complement each other, and complete each other in many ways…

      Thank you.


  3. vanillamom July 30, 2012 at 9:21 am #

    I know arguements abound about the choice of words “safe, sane, consensual” in a BDSM community and relationships…yet your post just exemplifies why that is the truth of this lifestyle for so many of us.

    And trust. Trust. Trust.

    I’m so glad you are in a good place with Him. Guiding, caring, sharing, loving…and open to all the possibilities that exist for you both.



    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

      Hey, ‘Nilla,

      Yeah, consensual. i can even skip safe and sane to some extent, but consensual is huge.

      And trust. Yes.

      Thanks for all the support, sister of mine.


  4. Wordwytch July 30, 2012 at 2:22 pm #

    I’m smiling. Really smiling. Your Sir is so gently helping you erase those bad tapes. Those memories that make you flinch and deny who you are.

    I’ve been where you are. I am such a creature of TOUCH that I starve without it. Wolf knows this and knows that my ex was much like yours. We talked last night about how he can now ‘pin me to the bed’ in sleep, and I relax rather than panic.

    And like you, we touch all the time. a kiss, a caress, and hugs!

    Hugs to you aisha!!!

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      It is amazing.

      And yeah, not cringing if you get awakened and being able to be ok with being pinned to the bed are huge!! That’s so cool.

      Thank you.


      • Wordwytch August 1, 2012 at 6:38 pm #


        And it is amazing. 🙂

  5. Conina July 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    Oh, constant touching for the win. This is beautiful, and I love that you observe your own initial responses and temper them to the awesomeness of your new reality. Oh, yeah.

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

      Thank you Conina, for the kind words…



  6. striving for peace July 30, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

    I feel this

    when the Ex touched me
    it was nearly always for sex

    very rarely just to touch me
    and yes

    I began to roll my eyes
    because I knew I was in for 2.75 minutes of foreplay
    and 11 minutes of sex

    and when the sex died
    the touch died

    I was never allowed to solicit sex
    I was allowed to solicit it
    but never have it

    I need to wander off an ponder this

    I’m glad you wrote this
    because writing things helps us think them through


    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

      Hi, Sfp,

      Yep. It’s interesting stuff, how those experiences affect us. Glad you found this helpful too.


  7. jade July 30, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    Every cell in our body has a memory. i’m glad yours are being replaced with something that you deserve to feel….valued, loved, safe, affirmed. And…there is nothing wrong with saying, “i need a minute, please” or “it throws me off when you touch me from behind” if that is what you need to do. But you know that. 🙂 It sounds like you are healing old wounds at an important time in your life.

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm #

      Hi, Jade,

      Yeah, good point. i still tend to forget that i don’t have to deal with my feelings by myself. And if i can’t manage it one day, He’ll wonder why i didn’t say something sooner.


      But yes, all kinds of healing going on. 🙂


  8. falcon9544 July 30, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    Well said Aisha. Yes, we all learn from our past and hopefully draw on our successes and failures. However, your Master is not your ex-husband and hopefully your Master brings a new start as you build awesome memories together. It seems from what I have read, he already has. A safe place for us to be ourselves – I really like that.

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

      Hi, Falcon,

      Thanks for commenting!!

      You’re so right, He is a whole different experience from my ex! A different journey.

      And thanks for the kind words!


  9. Wordwytch July 31, 2012 at 12:35 am #

    By the way… One of my favorite quotes about Touch…

    Touch the earth, Love the earth, Honor the earth,
    her plains, her valleys, her hills and her seas;
    rest your spirit in her solitary places.

    Henry Beston

    • aisha August 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

      Beautiful – thanks for sharing!


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