The Punishment or “Paying with my Ass”

7 Aug

It started with the positions thing, which i was very happy about, and still am.   Having formal “positions” carries a lot of meaning for me.  

It is “Slave Girl of Gor,” which i bought not quite realizing what it was, and was attracted to and terrified by for years.   That was way back before i knew anything at all about the real life lifestyle.  

It’s leather households, and all the exotic and erotic feel that carries for me.

Positions make submission real in a way that nothing else quite does.  

So when we have the conversation about it, for real, not just in fantasy, i was thrilled.  

When He tells me i’m supposed to start practicing one of them, with directions on what to think about while i was doing it ~ O, my!  What’s the word for “beyond thrilled”?   Whatever that is, that’s what i am.

A few days later, He asks me how the practice is going.  i’m  pretty surprised  to realize that i haven’t actually started yet.   He seems a bit surprised too, but He just nods.  

“That’s ok,” He says.  “You know, I didn’t put a time line on it.  It’s up to you.”

Relieved, i resolve to start doing it regularly.

Only ~ 

  ~ i don’t.

So when He asks again, i have to say no again.  

And He just nods.  

“You’ve had a lot going on,” He says.  “I can understand it might be hard to find time to do it.”

i say, “Well.  But that’s not really a good excuse.  i ~ i don’t know why i haven’t done it.  i’m sorry.  i’ll start.”

“No need to be sorry,” He says, “It’s a loose structure.  I can make it tighter if we need to, but I don’t think we’ll need to.”

“No, Sir,” i say, with feeling, “i don’t think so either!”

“So then i started practicing every day…”

And i have to pause here.  Cause for sure, you would think that would be the next line, right?

Nope.

“So then i started practicing every day…”

Not even once.

i can’t tell you why not.

Yes, i know i’m a therapist, thank you very much.  i still can’t tell you why i didn’t start to practice.  i just didn’t.

i could make some reasons up:

1.  i didn’t really want positions; i was ambivalent about it.

2.  i was acting out for attention, being a brat.

3.  i was testing Him.

4.  i really didn’t have time to, my life is out of control.

5.  i was depressed about my daughter leaving.

Those were all the possibilities i came up with.  And i suppose any one of them could have been true.  BUT ~~

~~ here’s what i didn’t tell you.  

This is not the only part of my life where i have the “think about it, don’t do it” problem.

Once upon a time, not that long ago, i used to exercise six days a week.  Faithfully.  Now?  i’m lucky to hit one or two days a week.  And that’s likely to be half-assed.  Not in some kinky-ass way either.  Just not really noteworthy.

i have books i haven’t started.

Books i haven’t finished.

Projects sitting on a shelf in the basement for years.

And those are things i like to do.  i feel like the Queen of Poor Follow Through.

Sigh.

So when Sir asks a THIRD time how the practice is going, and i have to say, “Um, not,” only more politely and with regret expressed, i  am not a bit surprised when He says, with a shrug, “You’ll pay with your ass, you know.”

{i think if i worked with that last paragraph a little bit, it could have a rap beat.  Ok, never mind.}

Anyhow.

i’m embarrassed.  i was embarrassed with Him, and i’m embarrassed now.  This is not who i want to be.

After He says that, i do start practicing, and i have, three days in a row now, and i don’t think i’ll miss again.  So when He canes me last night ~

~ bent over the bed, with my face down and my hands in front of me ~

        ~~ and stick that ass out, He says, there, yes ~~

i couldn’t complain.  

Not even when He kept hitting that one spot, right where my ass meets my thighs, and i could feel welts.

He wasn’t angry.  He didn’t even say it was punishment.

He asked me again, earlier, if i’d practiced, and this time i could say, “Yes, Sir, i have been.”

And He just said He was glad i’d started, and wanted to know if i’d thought about the things He told me to think about, which i had.  He asked me about the thoughts i’d had, and made me blush, which amused Him.

And He didn’t make me feel bad at all.  Which was good, cause i felt bad enough already.

i go on to tell Him about the other ways i’m doing the same thing, and how disappointed in myself i am that i didn’t started practicing until He said He was going to punish me.

He nods, and then He looks kind of appalled.  

He says, “I’m not going to have to take over being responsible for you exercising, am I?”  Then He adds,  “I mean, I can ~ and I will if you need me to ~ but it seems like you ought to be able to handle that part of your life yourself.”

Quickly, i nod agreement, and resolve to start doing that.

So today, i make sure to practice my positions, and i exercise, and do a couple of other things that i might normally neglect.

i know this is what i want and need, to be held accountable, and i need to do most of the work myself, without expecting Him to drive me every step of the way.

It was not a harsh punishment Sunday night, although it stung a lot and there was ~ there actually was ~ a stripe on my ass this morning!!  Just one, but still.

After the caning, He ties me to a chair and uses the nipple clamps and the vibrating dildo until i’m moaning with pleasure and pain all mixed together; til i don’t know where one begins and the other ends.  

Then He lets me please Him, and i’m happy and glad to be allowed to.  

You know, i still almost never say “i love you,” to Him, i don’t know why.  But i think it often, and then i try to show it instead.

Pleasing Him with my mouth is one sure way to do that.

i feel like we’ve taken a new step in our journey.  In the right direction.  Who knows what lies ahead?

19 Responses to “The Punishment or “Paying with my Ass””

  1. Fondles August 7, 2012 at 6:31 am #

    I was just typing a reply to Tori that I sometimes feel that IF there’s a punishment for not being obedient I might be more motivated to behave, whether that is refraining from doing something, or actually getting my butt off to bed on time. What is it with me? Oh, I’m the queen of procrastination. That’s what.

    • aisha August 7, 2012 at 6:37 am #

      Dear Fondles,

      i’m sorry, you can not be the Queen of Procrastination, because i’m still the reigning Queen. You might be the Princess. Or the Duchess. Or Some-Such.

      laughing…

      aisha

      • Fondles August 7, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

        just cos you’re queen doesn’t mean i can’t be queen in my OWN realm *rolls eyeballs* LOL

        Fine. you can be queen. I’ll be duchess. I’ve always liked being duchess anyway. *hrmph*

        *stomps away like a brat*

      • aisha August 8, 2012 at 5:52 am #

        Lol… i would have let you be queen in your own realm, but i’m glad you’ve conceded. Albeit a bit ungraciously…

        hugs,

        aisha

  2. appy August 7, 2012 at 7:12 am #

    Can you explain about ‘positions’ and what you had to think about? I hope I am not too impudent.

    appy

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 5:55 am #

      Oooh. You’re not impudent at all, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. i haven’t gone into it because it feels real private. Let me think about how to do it without violating the sense of intimacy…

      {wanders off pondering….}

      aisha

  3. yesthankyousir August 7, 2012 at 7:47 am #

    I want to say lots about this. *I need to change my reading time* I find that I also work better with some motivation, except, when its more like request. How silly is that? Give me an order or say “I would really like if you ________” its done. But for me if that request sounds more like “maybe try out __________” well im to busy lol.

    Yay for having a left over cane welt and for loving even though you can’t say it all the time. (Psssst I think you should)

    Andi

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 6:02 am #

      Hey, Andi,

      No, that makes perfect sense to me. A suggestion is different from an order, or a “here’s how you can please me.” i think i feel the same.

      And maybe for real that is part of why i didn’t start doing it right away, maybe partly i needed to see if He was serious about it.

      And yeah, i could probably say it more. i don’t know. That’s something to think about it.

      thanks.

      aisha

  4. striving for peace August 7, 2012 at 7:49 am #

    As I read this, I thought about an interview I heard on NPR yesterday about habits — here’s the guy’s website http://charlesduhigg.com/

    He said that almost everything we do is a habit
    everything
    and we do it for some sort of reward. If you can figure out what reward motivates you — you can make nearly anything a habit

    I poopooed this a bit — when he said, even backing up your car is a habit….but apparently the scientists studied people’s brains as they backed up and the little lights indicated a moment of relief when the person was successful that was the “reward” for backing up.

    I had to stop listening to get back to work — so I’m going to imagine that part of what was said is that it’s why starting something new is hard sometimes — sometimes when we start something new we don’t get the reward (perhaps because we are critical of how we do it — so instead we feel negative) — and until we do it the first time for sure — we don’t associate it with a reward.

    so I wonder
    for those of us who have a really loud inner voice that is super critical of what we do

    does it make it harder to take the first step and do things the first time — because we’re not going to get the positive “reward” we’re going to get that negative voice.

    mull mull mull

    ok — I’ll give you your blog back now

    sfp

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 6:04 am #

      Dear Sfp,

      THAT is a lot to think over. i haven’t had a chance to look at the website, but i will.

      Thanks for bringing this into the conversation…

      aisha

  5. vanillamom August 7, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    I know you think I am the queen of accomplishing things…but mostly? It’s because I am driven to, if not please my wife (as it was in the beginning), then, keep her from nagging on me. You’ve only lived with Sir X a month, and perhaps, eventually, the thought of Him will be enough to keep you moving in the direction you desire. I’ve got more than 30 years under my belt, which is why I keep on driving…it’s become a habit.

    I love that He is so….calm. Measured. But he is also loving, and kind…and his smile lights up a room. Unflappable, that’s the word. He is correcting you calmly, and you’ve punished yourself far more because of it.

    Mental squirming is a kind of punishment, yes?

    Congrats on the ass-mark…isn’t it the best? Every time you sit, you’ll remember it’s there…and even when it fades, the memory will linger…

    🙂

    HUG,

    nilla

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 6:09 am #

      Hey, ‘Nilla,

      Yes, mental squirming is a punishment of its own, for sure.

      And He is calm, and measured, and methodical, and just right for me. He is very self-controlled. And He is watching me, learning me, learning how i work and think and respond.

      And you are the queen of doing stuff… it amazes me.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. ancilla_ksst August 7, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    I have to be held accountable. Only I would not get three times of slack for something I was supposed to do, unless I was down with the flu or something. I kind of wish my Master were interested in positions, but he’s not, so I really only have one that I use, which he likes. But he’s not asked me to learn any others. If he’s not interested, I won’t pursue it. So I’m a little jealous. 🙂

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 6:13 am #

      Hi, Ancilla_ksst,

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting!

      Yeah, i was a little bit surprised that my Sir was interested in positions too. What is it about positions that has such a draw for many of us?

      Yeah, i was surprised He waited til the third time too. so maybe i was pushing a little bit to see what would happen.

      Anyhow. i don’t think you’ve commented before? It’s nice to meet you…

      aisha

  7. monkey August 7, 2012 at 11:28 am #

    Beyond thrilled = Brilled.

    Nilla is right, with Sir X in such close proximity, the thought of his approval or disapproval will most likely begin to remake your habits without a lot of direct intervention on his part

    I want my crown back, aisha. It fell off, rolled away, and I figured I go look for it later 🙂

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 6:16 am #

      Omg, LM, i love that. Brilled. That’s um, brilliant!

      Yes, i think His approval or disapproval will have a strong influence on me. No doubt.

      As for your crown ~ um, i can only say one thing.

      Mine.

      lol,

      aisha

  8. ava grace August 7, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    Love the post 🙂 i want to ask too (with appy) what you mean by positions? Or what positions? It’s something Master and i use a lot (thank you Krsyta Kaos and The Training of O) and i am interested on your take 🙂

    ava x

    • aisha August 8, 2012 at 6:22 am #

      Thanks, Ava Grace, for reading and for commenting!

      Um, you know. Positions. Body postures. Stances. Lol, i know you know.

      Yeah, it’s a whole separate post, isn’t it?

      {wanders off, still pondering…}

      aisha

  9. Wordwytch August 8, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

    Catching up here! Ummm…. That live in Dom thing… Mental Squirming is an Olympic Sport. As I was reading your post, I’m nodding, nodding, nodding… and thinking of our conversation on the way home from visiting the grandbabies.

    “Oh,… I like the dollar movie thing…” and then explain that in the theater, I can just sit and watch. (see WW, see WW realize about ten seconds later that she’s goofed.)

    “Ah, so you like to be passive while watching the movie?”

    “Umm… I just want to get wrapped up in it. At home I knit or sew while watching a movie or stop it to do something and come back…” (oh sh*t!)

    “So, I need to regulate your viewing so that you relax?”

    GEEP! (f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!)

    Oh, and he still won’t tell me the rest of the things he is going to “check up on”

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