Day 4 Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

29 Aug

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

That’s a good question.  {laughing…} Well, they’re all good questions, but this one makes me pause.  

If i go to the dictionary, i find that Dominant is an adjective {unless you mean music, genetics, or ecology.}

The on-line dictionary says:  

1.  ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence:

Yes, for sure there are times that i’m dominant ~ often at work as a manager, and as a therapist, in some ways too.  It also says:

2.  occupying or being in a commanding or elevated position.

And again, i say ~ yes, of course i’ve been there.  

If you took a poll among my vanilla friends and asked them if i was dominant or submissive in my romantic relationships, they might not guess dominant, but they’d be sure i’m not submissive.

i’m too old to act like i don’t know the things i know.  In some realms, i exert some authority and influence.  i just do.  Coming to terms with that has been a task for me, but it’s not out of character or something i’m forced to be.  It’s part of who i am.

i could also argue that i tend toward being a “servant leader,” which might speak to the submissive aspect, but i don’t know if that’s true.  Servant leadership is also just a good model ~ if you google it, there’s lots of information.  This is from the Servant Leader Manifesto:

We seek not to lead, but to serve first and find that, in serving, our greatest influence is leading. We seek not to use others for our own gain, but for their benefit and the benefit of their communities.

Here’s a quote i like, from a page of servant leader quotes:

there is great joy in leading with authority, which is serving others by meeting their legitimate needs.— James C. Hunter, The Servant

Or this one:

A leader – whether in the home, church, business, community, or government – has authority due to her role, but her positional power will not bring about good for individuals or organizations unless it is backed up by the capital of character. — Dan B. Allender, Leading with a Limp

i don’t think that makes me a switch, but it’s not the model of submissiveness that is always submissive.

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over?

i’m not in a domestic discipline relationship, but yes.  i can’t imagine giving up control over everything.  The ability to be financially independent has saved my ass more than once, i just wouldn’t put all of my finances in anyone else’s hands.  

Sir and i each have our own bank accounts and a shared one for paying bills. That works for us.

In the same way, decisions about relationships with my adult children and my career are in my hands.  i consult with him, listen to him, respect his opinion, but i don’t think he has ANY desire to make those types of decisions for me.  

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms?

O, hell, no.  In BDSM terms, i am definitely not a switch.  Nope.  No how, no way.

If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Because in a sexual relationship, i am submissive to my Sir.  i just am.  Being dominant wouldn’t turn me on.   And it’s not like ~ you’ll hear people talk about their submission like it’s because they need a break from being dominant in their vanilla lives.  That’s not exactly what it is for me.

It’s ~

     it’s ~ 

i don’t know.

It’s an aspect of my personality.  If we take away the labels, it’s just part of who i am.  i don’t want to be a switch in my relationship with Sir any more than i want to pretend that i’m not a leader in other venues.

Between us, in our relationship, it is not that i don’t have power.  i have power ~ which i hand to Him.

AND ~ i guess i should say this too ~ Sir looks to me for my opinion.  He respects my insight and knowledge.  He is not intimidated or put off by me.  He may not always agree with me, and may not go along with my suggestions, but He respects and considers my input in His life decisions.

That’s a real gift, isn’t it?

i should probably go kiss Him right now.

9 Responses to “Day 4 Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. sin August 29, 2012 at 7:50 am #

    You say, “Between us, in our relationship, it is not that i don’t have power. i have power ~ which i hand to Him.” That’s power transfer I think.

    Can you give me a good example of servant leadership to help me understand better what you mean by it?

    • aisha August 29, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

      Hey, Sin,

      Yeah, you’re right, i think, it is a power exchange. And so i wonder, is that different in some way from regular “submission?” I don’t know.

      Servant leadership example:
      Here’s a “not” example – The corporate office has just announced an increase in productivity expectations. They let the managers know that people who don’t reach the goal should get written up. They ask about questions, or ask people to identify barriers to doing this, but when we come up with questions or identify systemic barriers, they pretty much act like we’re just being difficult and need to get with the program.

      As a manager, I can go back to my staff and do the same thing – and for sure, I’ve seen folks do that. Do a little motivational speech, then squash resistance with a rah, rah, just do it.

      My concept of servant leadership is recognizing that this will be a challenge, and that it’s an opportunity. So I’d present the situation to staff, let them vent a bit, then work with them to figure out how we can work together to overcome the barriers, are there ways we can change the system at our site, opportunities to serve clients in new ways, opportunities for staff development or changes for them. Are there training needs or other tools that would be helpful? How can we make this work better for clients and staff?

      The goal -my goal – is to provide effective client services in a way that’s reasonable for staff, and ideally to stretch their skills and capability as well. I also want to meet productivity standards, and maybe i want to move up the career ladder, or get a good evaluation, but that’s not my primary focus, and I wouldn’t do that at the expense of clients or staff. If i think what the corporate office is advising is unethical or shady in some way, I speak up, even if it’s not popular and in that moment may not make me a corporate favorite.

      Ultimately I think, even corporate authorities grow to respect that because ultimately if you’re not providing good client care and building staff expertise and reducing turnover, then you’re not going to be successful anyhow.

      Does that make sense? Good grief, what a long response!


  2. vanillamom August 29, 2012 at 9:29 am #

    I had to smile at the part asking ….is there any time where you are dominant in your relationship…
    oh yeah. all the time.


    as if.

    ANYTIME i think about…act upon…or try to take the lead (sometimes without realizing that I’m even trying…you know…kinda just acting out the vanilla aspects?)


    He puts me right back in my place.



    • aisha August 29, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

      Hey, ‘Nilla,

      i hear you. Sir wouldn’t actually slam me back in place, He would just look at me in that way he has, almost smiling, but it makes me think about what i’m doing or saying, and then i’d scurry back into place, back-pedaling as hard as i can.



      • vanillamom August 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

        by slam I meant that my immediate reaction to HIS reaction would be falling back into my place with a thud. 🙂

        Yes, He NEVER yells at me. It’s all done with a …tone…dry, kinda…you know the one that “they” have when we …yeah. That one. Or a slight lift of His eyebrow. Or even just…a slow, steady look, if we’re together.

        (it’s only if we’re in playtime that He’d physically “slam” me back against the Wall, or thrust me back on the bed…but never in anger, only to “put me back” where He had me.)

        Just wanted to clarify so that you didn’t think Himself was a beast. He *has* a beast…but He is quite genteel.



      • aisha August 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

        And right after i hit “post” i thought my response was going to sound like that, and i know your Master isn’t like that!! Sorry!!

  3. Wordwytch September 4, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

    Just catching up on all the posts. Aisha, we are very similar. Dominant at work, and submissive at home within reason and “time”.

    As for switch… played with that once and I don’t like it.

    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

      And now i’m trying to make sure i’m caught up on all the comments!

      Good point Wordwytch, we do have a lot in common.

      i’ve never played at switch – although First Sir offered to let me use a strap-on and take his ass sometime, an offer i wish i could have accepted!

      • Wordwytch September 9, 2012 at 2:26 am #

        The strap-on wouldn’t have worked for me either.

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